Hello alices,
I, too, recently lost my Dad. Please accept my condolences. I stopped in to visit your blog. Read about your visit home and felt for you as you dealt with the emotions conjured up there.

From what I could gather your Dad was in his 70's when he passed. Mine was a bit older (86). Although my Dad had no vices, he came from a very tough generation having gone thru the Great Depression and been a veteran of WWII as well as the first generation born in the USA. His Dad (my grandfather) was a drinker, gambler, fighter etc. However, my father was not although he was somewhat dogmatic and authoritative. It made it difficult for us (his children) to get very close to him. I often felt he talked at you and not to you. Even so, I was not very conscious of it when I was growing up. He had so many very good qualities that it balanced out. Actually, he was too good. He would often talk about how awful his own father was and I think, perhaps, in a way he tried to fix it in himself by being overly generous to us...with his time and patience. Although money was often tight for us growing up, he gave us the best he could. The generation of my father obeyed or got a licking. I would like to note that my father's brother is a carbon copy of my grandfather. Perhaps, he did not realize that he had a choice.

I have a sibling (mental case) who constantly battled my father. This overtly rebellious and destructive individual took pleasure in engaging him in battle. Not even Mother Theresa could rein herself in with regard to this person. Unfortunately, my father felt that if he kept after him, one day he might change. Perhaps, stubborness was one of my Dad's shortcomings as this situation was his and my mother's undoing.

I think I can understand why your father may have evolved as he did. I'm glad that you have found a medium for your expression and have been able to draw good for yourself out of it.

I think that if you might be able to imagine him growing up as he did you might feel some empathy for him. Forgiving does not necessarily make us forget but releases the power that the hurt holds over us and sets the prisoners free.

I have encountered some difficult people with "issues" of dependency and the unfortunate aftermath of it. These circumstances lead me down a path of considerable personal discomfort. I wanted to "fix" them and couldn't. I wound up at Alanon which helped me to understand that I cannot fix anyone but myself. I was shocked! The realization that I had to change myself blew me away but set me Free. There is nothing and no one to blame as you are responsible for yourself and your own reactions. Obviously accepting means letting go and that can be very hard to do. It hurts to let go of a dream. Although some people may have experienced a gentler life, does not mean we are entitled to the same. We cannot measure our lives aganst anyone else's life. There is no right way and no one to blame. I am also glad to have learned this concept which was new to me. It has helped but I am also aware that there are many miles to go before I rest.

Wishing much Love Peace Joy and Hope to you in your Journey.

Best Regard,

P.S. Am a great fan of Lewis Carroll. I often thought of myself as Aice......