I just found out yesterday but it happened on sunday April 4

We had a long distance relationship and due to financial reasons (paying for the funeral) his sister did not have her phone activated and wasn't able to contact me in time for me to make it to the funeral...

I'm actually glad that it worked out that way though because he was cremated and I'm really no good when it comes to funerals..

Oh gosh where do I start...I met him almost a year ago its so strange how this person who I didn't even know for that long impacted my life so much...he was truly my soulmate/love of my life/best friend...we just brought out the best in each other...really...

He was such a beautiful person and I kno everyone says that but he was really a wonderful man who loved me in a way that was foreign to me...

Its so crazy just looking back on the week before he passed its like God was preparing him (and us) for his death but I'm just so hurt because I didn't get to see him...

Just the night before he passed he had asked me to marry him and on that day he was supposed to move to where i lived for 4 months for work. He always worked so hard (he is a single parent of a 4 year old the mom signed away her rights and everything) so we didn't get to spend a lot of time together and we would make plans but they would ALWAYS fall apart....whenever that would happen he would be so hurt and feel like he wasn't good enough for me or always disappointing me but I never cared and would always assure him that when he moved up here for those 4 months we would make up for lost time...

We had sooo many plans...I talked to him from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed EVERY day there was nothing I couldn't tell him. I remember joking with him about how we never ran out of things to say with each other...

Its so strange the night before he passed we stayed up all night until the sun came up talking and he told me that he loved me so much and had just told me things that he never told anyone...

I've been keeping busy hangin out with friends just so that I won't go crazy and last night I was feeling pretty good but this morning I woke up and it just hit me all over again...its like that movie groundhog day...

All last week I was sooo worried about him because I was waiting for him to call me and tell me that he was on his way up but I never got that call...I emailed his sister and just waited...I would go to work everyday and cry and cry and cry and finally on thursday I just prayed and talked myself into calming down...

Then that next morning I finally heard the horrible news from his sister...I spent the day talking to her which helped so much...

We just talked about all the silly things he would do that drove us crazy and how great he was...I told her about convos we had and she was so happy to know that he had met someone who he could be free with and she told me how she had never seen him so in love

*sigh*

I just miss him...we had so many plans,dreams, he was my biggest cheerleader and I kno he's here with me (I've gotten some signs) but I just want to see him and hug him and do all those things we planned on doin and just see in his face how happy he would be...

Like I just don't know what I'm supposed to do...I know I have to keep living (he would always tell me that my strength and ability to deal with tough times inspirired him) but I just don't want to be in this place that I am now...like why did this have to happen???

Am I supposed to do all those things with my life that we wanted to do together?? And if so, how can I do that and enjoy it...

I know I'm going to have to get some counseling at some point but waking up each day knowing he's not here is truly killing me

I miss him so much I can't even put it into words...he was my angel...when I was with him I was just in a state of peace and happiness that I've NEVER felt before...

I'm sorry this is long...I just stumbled upon this site and thought someone here could maybe help me

My heart is truly broken