slightly OT- whether or not to attend a funeral

14 years ago

My husband has an aunt who is in very ill health with kidney failure. She is currently hospitalized and it's anybody's guess what her actual prognosis is, but it doesn't look good. We personally cannot stand this woman (and most other family members don't like her either) because she is rude, obnoxious, and just plain evil. Mostly due to these reasons, DH had initially told his parents (aunt is married to his Dad's brother) that if the aunt dies, he probably wouldn't attend the funeral. Plus, we live in WA and they're in CA; hubby does not get bereavement time because the aunt wouldn't be considered immediate family. DH is now reconsidering this, saying he really should be thinking of showing respect to the family. While I do agree with this in principle, I told him I would support him going when the time comes, but that I did not want to go, although I'm very close to his parents (but not at all to the uncle).

To complicate matters, I'm dealing with my own grieving. I just had to enroll my Mom in hospice because she has end stage liver disease and is only 65 lbs. now. She lives in the same town as the in-laws, and I've been flying to CA more often because of her illness. I was there over Christmas, a week ago, and plan to go again the end of March to celebrate her 75th birthday, if she even makes it that long. This of course, is much more important to me than feeling obligated to attend a possible near funeral of someone I personally can't stand.

Is this petty of me? What would you all do?

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (4)

Burtsmomforever
14 years ago
drcindy,
I have had two aunts pass and I did not attend their funerals and they were right here in town. The first aunt was my mother's sister and said some very bad things about my parents, who did nothing but try to help her, and the other aunt was married to my mother's brother and was just always a pain in the butt. I didn't not go out of protest, but I chose not to go listen to the lies people were going to say about how great they were, and how giving and all the drivel that flows during a funeral.
If you happen to be in town with your mom when your husband's aunt passes, you could show your respect to your in-laws by showing up for them. But I personally wouldn't feel obligated.
I am sorry about your mother, my mother has stage 4 non-alcoholic cirrhosis, but is fighting to stay alive as long as possible. I know the day will come when I have to see both my parents pass. I don't look forward to that day because I have recently lost my son, my little sister and another aunt...all within the past year.
Do what makes you the most comfortable. If you think that you will regret not going, reconsider. I can't say that I regret not going to either of my aunts' funerals.
mav63_2007
14 years ago
I have heard "funerals are not for the dead, they are for the living". Just saying!
Related Discussions
Funerals, food and money
Q
Comments (15)
Sherrmann, I'm just reading between the lines, but it sounds to me like you would like to have a gathering of some kind. I will throw a few ideas out here for you to consider. Mind you this is not good old home cooking but it gets the job done, and everyone likes to eat and visit after funerals and such. Subway Sandwiches makes 6' subs, any way you like them. You pick the meat and cheeses that you want on them, the lettuce, tomato and other vegetables are on a platter on the side. They provide the condiments too. They will slice them for you and they are supposed to feed 20-25 people. Included is some plastic ware and napkins. They also have cookies that you can purchase. Our local subway charges 65.94 for the above. The cookies are extra. You should call the day before to order. You may also consider buying some pizzas. If you have a Little Caesars near you they have large pepperoni pizzas for $5.00. I don't know how many servings per pie, but you could probably figure it out pretty close to what you'd need. And you should probably call ahead, so there would be enough already prepared. Depending on the time of year you could go to a park, or maybe be able to use the towns community hall, for a small fee. So it can be done much cheaper than the $750-$1200 you would pay at a restaurant. It would just be fast food, but it doesn't hurt on occasion. Oh, and I don't have any interest in either of these places, I've just had to get together lots of food in a short amount of time! We had two 6' subs for my grandsons BD/DD's surprise engagement party and they fed well over 50 people. We also had potato salad, chips, drinks and cake. It was held at a local park that had large shelter houses. No cost, just had to reserve it in advance. I have been where you are. Peace. Di
...See More
Dessert for a post funeral gathering?
Q
Comments (22)
Add my condolences on the loss and kudos for the kindness of helping out. I agree with bar cookies, brownies, bars, etc, fruit slices (maybe apples with caramel dip), and though cake is such a traditional item, cupcakes would be far easier to deal with. Maybe mini cupcakes, donuts, donut holes or mini muffins? Even the cliche Rice Krispie Bars are still popular. Don't hesitate to buy things to make it easier and helpers can certainly buy things too to spread around the expense. My one other suggestion is get a couple rolls of paper towels and/or towels set aside and ready for the eventual spill that so easily happens. Put a can of air freshener in the bathroom too. Some people will have upset stomachs and be rather embarrassed... need I say more? Oh, either a roll of paper towels in the bathroom or extra towels. Some people these days are rather careful about germs. Maybe even put out some hand sanitizer if there's some people very concerned. The old adage, hot food hot, cold food cold! At our picnic last year I brought a sliced ham and took three disposable foil trays. In the bottom one I placed ziplock bags filled with water and frozen for ice blocks, then set the tray on top where I placed the ham, then used the third one as a cover. Worked great. You wouldn't need three, and might want to use nicer than foil trays but some ice under things is a good idea for some things. Crockpots, electric roasters, electric frypans all keep things nice and hot. Extra wastebaskets with liners so it's handy to throw things away will save on mess and cleanup. A thermos or two, insulated carafes or something for coffee? Then you could have the pot running as needed if coffee is a big thing there, possibly some teabags and hot water. Simple things. Lemonade is also rather easy and refreshing. Around here alcohol is very common with funerals. Often a cooler in a vehicle. We usually drink a toast to the departed.
...See More
don't want my S/D at my father's funeral
Q
Comments (56)
The problem is always trying to find the answer to who is right and who is wrong. The "right thing to do", if what you are looking to do is improve your relationships is to stop trying to make everything so black and white. Sometimes you are right, sometimes somebody else is right. That is the nature of relationships. Unfortunately, if you can't get past all of the percieved wrongs somebody else has done to you, you will not move on and your relationship will not change. Thurman is on here seeking advice, but everytime he gets advice that he doesn't want to hear, he ignores it. If he would try to get past whatever beef he has with his SD and if he starts to see her as she truly is, he would be much better off, and so would she. It doesn't matter what she does, in Thurman's eyes, it is never right. If she did something nice for Thurman, he would view it as being underhanded and for some alternative purpose. Colleen...I agree with kkny and finedreams that anybody who wants to send a card and to whomever, it's nobody's business exept for the sender and the reciever. So, if you sent a nice card to you SD's inlaws and she blew up at you over that and only that (and nothing else), then you are right and she is wrong. However, what difference does that really make? Why dwell on that? Why not try to move forward and try to make the relationship better instead of focusing on who is right or wrong?
...See More
OT: DB may move to Toronto for six months (Dec 2016-May2017)
Q
Comments (36)
Thanks for all the help and suggestions, but as it turned out, Sony decided not to send anyone to Toronto and is going to let the staff in Toronto work it out on their own without a director. I guess that is one way for them to save money. So I will wait for warmer weather before I visit Toronto, and Kevin will not be there, unless he goes with me. Last week a friend asked me to go to Brazil with him some time next year after April. He has to settle an estate there, and he knew that I could take the time off. We'll see if that materializes. I would like to visit Brazil, but I've been afraid to go because I do not speak Portuguese, but my friend does, and that would make me feel more comfortable. He will be mainly going to Rio de Janeiro, but would be making side trips to Petrópolis and other places.
...See More
asolo
14 years ago
Ditto mav63.

At the risk of seeming callous, I must observe that people do, in fact, die all the time. There are frequently important issues in people's lives that cannot be ignored even to attend funerals...or weddings...or reunions...or insert whatever you wish. I think your situation with your mom is in that category.

For example, I'm a full-time caregiver. There isn't anyone else who can do it and hired help is incredibly expensive. I can't tell you the number of otherwise-obligations or preferences I've declined over the years. Specifically, I don't attend distant funerals. I send flowers and cards and things with regrets. Normal people understand this instantly. Life and the needs of the living must prevail over wishes and sentiment, IMHO.
lovingmemory
14 years ago
I agree. In this instance and in many like this (and every family seems to have it), a card will suffice. It is sad to see anyone die but I feel it's almost hypocritical to go and attend the services. A well chosen card, a heartfelt note that you are sorry for the loss goes a long way and let's face it, life happens. The best you can do emotionally, physically and mentally has got to suffice.

slightly OT- whether or not to attend a funeral

Comments (4)

Burtsmomforever

mav63_2007

Related Discussions

asolo

lovingmemory

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US