My daughter's emotionally blackmailing me, with my grandbabies.
nanakate
14 years ago
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daisyinga
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agomariend
14 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Are my grandbabies bonded to me?
Comments (2)Relax, they are so bonded to you. You are so special to them that you seem like the parent to them, not the grandparent. They see you more than their parents, so when dad shows up after being away, it's a surprise and a treat for them, same for mom coming home from work. They don't get excited when they see you because you are the most stable person in their lives and they trust that you will be there for them day after day. This will pay off in the coming years. Enjoy them, you are getting such unconditional love from them....See MoreHELP! My Daughter's Wedding & My Finance's family
Comments (18)Hi, I think we're going to have to presume a "worst case scenario" here for the sake of argument, to get at the roots of this dilemma, and clarify the issues. (But we can certainly hope for the best!) Worst case scenario: Daughter tells you ---for whatever reason (BM interference or her own personal feelings)--- "no way", she won't consider inviting them and she wants only you there. Your decision now is whether or not you go solo. I feel very strongly that you should, and I'm going to explain why via responding to your list of concerns one by one: "1 - My fiancee is very family oriented and has gone out of her way to bring us together as a family" That's fantastic, and to me is evidence that this situation ---even in the worst case scenario--- will work out fine b/c if she's very family-oriented she will understand that you need to go to your daughter's wedding with or without her, as this is an extremely important day for her and b/c your kids have recently expressed their need for you to be there for all of them. I don't think I need to tell you that if you, as her father, were not present for her wedding, especially after the recent conversation about "being there" in general, that would definitely spell the end of that relationship at great loss to you and she. But it is not going to spell the end of what sounds like a great relationship with fiancee and kids if they don't go. It's the most important day of your daughter's life but one family function out of many to come with your fiancee and her kids. "2 - If my fiancee finds out that she and her kids were not invited, my fear is that she would feel rejected and possibly think it was her and call off our future so that I can be closer to my kids." Again, I really don't think that's going to happen, based on how family-oriented she is. And the way she feels about it can be somewhat modified by how you present it to her and what you do for her to ensure that even if she feels rejected *by your daughter* that she is not rejected by *you*. You might even be able to soften the blow of rejection altogether (i.e. "ex-wife's relatives are being crusty and old-fashioned about this and don't consider fiancee part of the 'family' until you're married...it's nothing personal", or "the guest list was made a long time ago and they can't change it" or "this wedding won't be the last chance we'll have to be together as a family and forge family bonds"). Yes, she'll probably still be able to detect that there's opposition to her being there behind whatever excuse you give, but then she has a choice: push it or not? A matter, for her, of picking battles. She's still relatively new in this situation and also would be well aware that if she pushes coming, she would be putting you in the same "middle" spot of having to choose that others may be attempting to do. She's most likely not going to want to do that, nor take the gamble that an ultimatum will fail. She'll probably decide to let this one roll off and do her best to form family bonds at future functions. And then you can further help the situation by encouraging/arranging plenty of those future family functions. "3 - My kids seem to like my fiancee but have not gotten close to my fiancee's kids" What are the age differences? Also, if they haven't seen each other but a few times, and never alone, they probably haven't had the chance to build bonds just yet. Especially because the blending of families is always an ambivalent thing and takes plenty of time. As I wrote above, this wedding will not be the only chance for the new family members to be together and grow closer. "4 - No, I did not have an affair with my fiancee before I divorced. I think my ex-wife still have not gotten over the divorce nor admits we had problems while we were married for 19 years. She has also stated that she doesn't ever want to meet my fiancee." Well, that is her issue to deal with. Hopefully she will be an adult and not continue to pressure her daughter to make an "either/or" choice which bio parent she wants at the wedding, thereby also setting the stage for others to possibly insist you make such a choice. Maybe BM will remove herself from the equation if she really can't handle co-existing at the same geographical location for the sake of her daughter's important rite of passage. But unfortunately we can't count on her rising to this level and certainly not her backing out. So you have to make a firm decision on what you will do regardless of what BM does. 5 - Yes, I'm paying a large portion of the wedding but this is not a leverage that I care to use - it is not a financial exercise. To me, it is all about bringing together my old and new family as closely as possible. I desperately need this.... I really hope your daughter and/or BM will be gracious adults and not exclude their soon-to-be-new family. But even if they refuse, this one event is not the last chance ever to bond, and is not insurmountable as a slight if you handle it well and make an effort to be as inclusive as possible in the future. Remember: your daughter's exclusionary behavior in this instance doesn't have to keep YOU from being all-inclusive. Hopefully, it might even encourage her to be more inclusive in the future, once she sees how welcoming you and fiancee are to her and those bonds continue to be formed over time....See MoreMy Husband is nasty to my daughter please please read
Comments (22)I haven't read all of these messages. But I have to tell you that I grew up in a home where my step father treated us like DIRT! Kids were to be seen and not heard! That was his favorite line! At 16 I was ready to move out on my own. Life was horrible. I got NOTHING- yelled at, told I was lazy- you name it. I had to buy my own school clothes my own everything. He controlled the whole household. I never got a kind word spoken to me, never a praise, never a pat on the back. No help for college. NOTHING.... He had his own two kids, to this day he still supports them. They are both lossers. But those two kids got anything they every wanted. I didn't want much REALLY As hoaky as it sounds, I just wanted a dad! Someone I could call dad again- not Phil. I was about 12- had lost my dad two years previous. I missed my dad- I missed my family- we moved out of state. It was a sad childhood. My mom was the calming force. She kept the peace. But it wasn't enough. The constant stress from the day to day living with this man. I stayed out of the house as much as possible. I had a horse. I rode for hours. When that wasn't enough I found a boyfriend. At a very young age I became more 'involved' with my boyfriend then I should have. I worked, anything not to be home. I HATED it! As an adult I would wait for the man I was dating to turn into Phil. See, he wasn't always like he was when my mom married him. He was actually one of the nicest men I had ever met. Until the vows were exchanged. We weren't bad kids. We accepted him. He never could or would for us. I can't stress enough what your doing to your daughter. SHE WILL NEVER forget this. You are destroying her piece by piece. My advice is to leave this man. You will get over the loss- she just might never get over what he is doing to her! I know this man your married! Not in the literal sense, but I LIVED THIS...... I still think about my 'lost' childhood from time to time. But you know what, I BEAT him.... I'm succesfull! I'm happily married with two kids. I have a wonderfull relationship with my mom and brother. And my husband is NOTHING LIKE HIM! My mom left him about 6 years ago. Sad it took that long. My brother who was younger then me, lived with him from a small boy up. I see the horrible traits of Phil in my brother. My brother grew up thinking he was dumb. He drifted from job to job. NEVER a harder worker, but he had trouble reading and writing. So he'd drop the job as soon as more responsiblity was sent his way. It was sad.... He's just recently regained some of his self esteem. He's 29 years old! Took him all this time. He's found his place in life. So have I! Guess what! I can even eat food in my living room LOL.... So can my kids.. I'm sorry if this is harsh and I'm sorry it most likely didn't make sense. If it helps your 16 year old daughter then I'll sleep better at night.... HUGS to you and your daughter. Kristi...See MoreMy daughter outed me!!!
Comments (24)Well, count me in on the Laundry Detergent Paddy Wagon when they come for us. lol I've gone all out powder detergent hoarder and I'm totally fine with it. At first I thought I might have a problem that popped up out of nowhere, but nah! I'm fine. With the help (or should I blame? :) you folks here, I've really had the "Ah-ha!" moments in the last few months re: detergents and over my dead body am I going back to luke warm water streaming into my hot cycles and liquid detergents building up in my laundry and washer. No thank you! lol Another Ah-ha moment came last Friday when I was hanging DH's t-shirts out to dry in the sun. His 4 and 10 year old t-shirts where the same blazing blinding white as his brand new t-shirt with a silk screen of his fav football team. I did it! :))) I beat the dingies with the help of all of you and powdered detergent! I won the dingy battle! I was going to take a picture of the t-shirts drying to show you all, but I thought if I did, that might be the moment I slip over to the 'you have a problem' side. He-he. So you know what? I hoard even more after that! lol DH was a dear and went to Costco and got me a big box of Tide powder with $6 coupon. I already bought one last time I was there and he helped me find a spot to store it in our tiny house. DD went to the Mexican markets in So Cal to buy more bags of Ariel powder for me because I cleared out the stock of our Mexican markets here in Nor Cal. I bought 4 boxes of Cheer powder because I love that stuff so much and now that I know how to get it (order on-line). I can't imagine being caught without a couple year's supply if they stop making powder Cheer. Omg. I'd be so sad! I love my detergent stock pile! I look at it on the shelves above my washing center and it makes me so happy. Joy joy joy! I look at in the cabinet where I keep the extra stash and I love it!! I am lucky that I have the help of DH and DD to enable me in my 'problem'. They too never want to go back to how things used to be with BO clothes and dingy everything. I like to think us detergent nutz are being proactive to ensure a quality of life standard can be maintained with that looming thought that they will stop making Product X that gets our laundry nice and clean. ;) I hope your daughter feels better soon Jody. I know how hard it can be so see them suffer. One of my family members has been greatly helped by Reishi mushroom capsules for anxiety. She reports much improvement and overall more comfort. It's not hallucingentic (sp) mushrooms...no. These balance out the energies and support the immune system. Just a suggestion. Always talk with your doc of course. I started taking them myself for autoimmune disorders I live with and it does seem to help. My blood work came back more balanced on last check. Doc told me whatever I'm doing, keep doing it because it's working! I didn't have anxiety so I can't speak to that myself. That shrink might want to have a look in my laundry stock pile too. lol I'll be smiling so big and when tries to tell me about my problem, I'll have to laugh and laugh and tell him, that I'm fine--really. I'm totally fine! And so are you. Don't let it bother you. <3...See Morecarol_in_california
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