I'm looking for some advise in establishing a new perennial bed along a picket fence that is approx. 8-10 ft. from an oak tree. Although the shade is a real treat & opens many new options to me here in Florida, my problem being the ground is very difficult to cultivate due to loads of fine "feeder" roots under the soil. I am thinking I may be able to just boarder with rocks & raise the bed, which I am sure will also give my new plants a much better chance at success. Can I get some advise as to if weed block or black plastic should be used to keep the weeds (little trees) to a minimum if so, what depth should the bed be raised to so that the new plant roots are above the feeder roots & will it be necessary to add gravel etc. for drainage?

We have gone through some marriage counseling recently that I highly recommend. Our situation was different (DH rewarding bad behavior, not being honest about $ and his adult kids, etc.) but it truly made a huge difference for us. How I wish I'd done it earlier! Let me say that I have not figured out how to deal w/ the rejection and divorce poisoning. Why is she doing it? To make herself look better to the kids and for her to feel better about her choices that obviously put her kids' needs LAST, far behind her own selfish wants. But, the 'why' doesn't help much. Do you feel the kids have issues w/ you? Would they see a counselor? It never ceases to amaze me how kids have that loyalty to a mother. She could be abusive, a drug-using prostitute, but the children will still call for her in the night - or from the ER, even when she landed them there. It's a strange thing to comprehend as to me, there's so much more to being a 'mother' than giving birth. You and your fiance need to support one another and be sure, before you tie the knot, that you're up for a life of these ups and downs. It isn't easy. The ex in our case had an affair, I dated DH over 1.5 yr. later, she pinned me as the homewrecker, kids hated me, etc. A few years later, the affair guy (who had dumped her) moved back into town and began shooting his mouth off about their affair w/in the vicinity of my OSD (he was her tennis coach). The X had also found religion, told the kids the truth, but so much crap had transpired that it was nearly impossible for us to be close like we could have been had she just been honest from the start. Good luck. Give more info - kids live w/ you now? On and off? Do they like their SF? What is their beef w/ you and their dad? Dana

Hello, music teacher! It seems that there is a lot of this going around - custodial Dads that dump a large portion of raising of their (ill-behaved) kids onto SM's, but try to curtail the SM's authority. The good news is that, yes, there is a chance of it changing, but you've got to get DH on board. My suggestion is family counseling if you can, but if not, then try the DIY approach. First make a list of a few behaviors of SD that drive you stark raving mad; maybe lying, not cleaning up after herself, whatever, and try to tackle those first. Sit down with DH sometime when you are both feeling fairly calm (not after a blow-up with SD; DH will be feeling defensive and will want to take "her side"). Then have The Conversation - the one where you explain that you have no intention on being a long-term unpaid babysitter with no authority, and if that is DH's goal that you will opt out and he can make alternative child care arrangements. If DH does not trust you to enforce agreed-upon rules than he has no business trusting you to watch his child at all. (Perhaps a bit more tactful phrasing would be helpful - perhaps not!) Then try to work on some agreed-upon rules and penalties or consequences. It was much easier for DH to deal in the abstract, ahead of time, and agree that lying is wrong, for example, then at the actual moment of truth - he tended to wimp out and start making excuses for SS. Now you've got some back-up, so to speak, and can gently remind DH that whatever consequences are being enforced are something that he agreed to. What you want is for DH to realize that you are only enforcing rules that he decided on, and thus breaking them is a violation of his authority. Start small. If a few rules are consistently enforced and SD's behavior starts to improve at all, it will be much easier to work on additional changes at that time. Remember that if DH is used to a mentally ill ex, one of his concerns may well be random, arbitrary "rules" from the ex. That's why it's so important that he decide on rules and consequences; and you are just enforcing them when he is not home to do so. Also, I have found that DH was more likely to listen when I calmly explained why I was concerned about how certain behaviors would affect SS's future. To me it seems pretty obvious that (deliberate) lying, for example, is a very poor habit to form - but DH sometimes seemed to think that he'd just "grow out of" bad behaviors (like magic!) The thing with the presents from the aunt is a great example; that sort of behavior will undeniably adversely affect her (God know that'd be the last present I would be buying for her!)

I can not even begin to imagine what you are feeling. Just the thought breaks my heart, brings tears to my eyes and makes me feel almost like I am suffocating. My Mother In Law lost her oldest son a few years before I met their family. Its been about 25 years ago now that he died. While most of the time, she does well and can talk about him just fine, a few months ago she had a really bad day. My Step mom lost her only son several years ago. Just a few months ago she said, "I have taken myself off of my anti-depressants." His birthday was last Thursday. She took the day off of work. Its only been a few short months for you. Bless your heart. ((((Jamie))))