I lost my mother 11 days ago.

13 years ago

I am a 32 year old man and my mother passed away Jan. 14 after a courageous and inspiring battle with cancer that lasted for five years.

I would like to explain how I feel, but I can't. I love love her so very dearly and I am more than lucky to have gotten to be her son.

I've been living on the other side of the country for the last three years, and have gotten to see her only a handful of times. I wasn't even here when she passed. We never had a bad or distant relationship, but my God how I wish I would have made an effort to be closer to her.

I am to receive a large sum of life insurance money. I don't even want it. I would not hesitate, not for a second, to pay every last dime of it to have one more hug with her so I can tell her how much she meant to me. I can't. I will regret for the rest of my life not letting her know more often how much I love her.

I will miss her painfully and mightily for the rest of my life here in earth.

One more hug, that's all I want. And I can't have it. I have no idea how I'm going to get through this.

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Comments (6)

mboston_gw
13 years ago
I am sorry to hear of your loss. It sounds as though you are putting alot of guilt on yourself that you didn't get to see her more often. I wish you could have that one more hug - but perhaps your posting will encourage someone who may be in a similiar situation to follow through with seeing their loved one before their passing. Allow yourself to grieve and cherish the memories of the moments you did have with her. As far as the money - if you don't need it then perhaps do something in memory of your Mom. Think of what she would like to have done with it - donate it to a school or a church - or if she enjoyed plants or gardens, donate it to one in her city.

Hopefully someone here will read your posting and touch bases with a loved one they haven't spoken to recently.
Maybe there is someone else in your family that you should talk with too.
nana2010_gw
13 years ago
I am so sorry you lost your Mother.
I think everyone has regrets when a loved one dies.
It is part of the grieving process.
I think it would be nice
to do something in her memory.
Your Mother will always be with you,
through your memories of her.
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Hello all... thanks for all the kind words. I am still trying to struggle through the day. Somedays I am ok, but others not that great. It was her birthday on October 20th. She would have been 64 or "39" as she would have said. We went to the park and fed the ducks... she always liked to do that. I also brought daisys and popped the tops off and placed them in the water. I miss the way that I would call her and she would be willing to go with me on what ever adventure I wanted to go on that day. She was always there for me. I know I am lucky to have a person like that and that it was my Mom, but it hurts no less. I am trying to build a new "normal". It is rough though because everything I do reminds me of her. I started to move around furniture in our house and I was thinking that everything I touched we bought together. She was a great decorator and I have no decorating sense at all. I just wonder when the feeling that I am completly lost and alone will go away. The holidays are coming and I hate it. I think we are going to plan a vacation at Christmas so I don't have to think about it. I don't know about Thanksgiving. Mom used to make the best mashed potatoes. This is so freaking hard. I think I am going to check into counseling again. It is so hard because I put on a strong face when I am out, but crumble when I get to my car or at home. I talk to my husband, but I don't think he really understands. What do you all do for the holidays?? Any ideas on how to get through them?
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steppschild
13 years ago
I am sorry for your loss and I know of what you speak. I no longer have either of my parents and I would give everything they left to me to be able to see them again. I bet most everyone feels this way. I'm sure your mom knows that you love her. I also bet that she would have rather spent her last five years in this world seeing you live your life and your dreams rather than having you watching her decline.

The insurance policy she had was her gift to you. I encourage you to bank that money for at least one year because you don't want your emotions and guilt to be the root of any rash and foolish decisions. SHE WANTED YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY otherwise she would have left it to a charity herself. Honor her memory by accepting her gift and using it wisely.
ah_hotmail_se
13 years ago
So sorry to hear of your loss. I recently lost my mother to cancer as well, so I can relate to how you feel.
I firmly believe that all mothers -including yours- are aware that we, their children, love them very much. It's just a part of that child/parent bound. Rest assured, your mother knew (knows) how much you love her, in the same sense that you know how much she loved (loves) you.

This love is still there, in your heart. I'm sure you can feel it.

You are blessed to have had her as your mother, and it's a good thing that you didn't have a bad relationship.

One more thing that maybe could bring you some comfort: I do find that it helps me to talk to my Mum. I'm not particularly religious, but I do believe she can hear me when I talk to her.
Maybe you can try to talk to her..? Light a candle next to your favourite picture of your Mum. Tell her you love her. I'm sure she already knows, but it does feel good to say it aloud as well... God bless and remember that the gifts your mother gave to you - unconditional love and care - will always be with you.
jamer221_aol_com
13 years ago
I lost my mother 11 years ago....not to cancer, but to a heart anuerism. I know everyone says that we are supposed to live life in their honor and make them proud, and thats what they would have wanted...but sadly, my heart still hurts. My body still goes numb time to time, and the memories of her make me cry everytime. Not a day goes by that I do not think about her, or wish I could see her and touch her one last time. I was waiting for the school bus. I was 14 years old and said that I would see her when I came home that day. She went to work, and sadly, the next time I saw her was in a casket. She was my everything, and now she is my angel. People say the pain eases with time, but I feel like the more time goes by, the more I miss her. The memories of her get weaker and weaker, which in turn makes me sadder and sadder. I am 26 years old, and sometimes I wish I could come home and hear my mother tell me everything is going to be ok. I try to talk to her, but i have yet to hear a reply. Life right now, for me, is a struggle. I cant get a teaching job and I feel like all of my hard work was a waste. I wonder if she would be proud, proud of her daughter who is a waitress. I dont know how to be happy anymore. I am trying to stay strong, but its difficult. As for money, well, maybe save it for your children so they can go to school. She left it to you to use for things that you will need in life. You are lucky, not because of money, but because your mom loved you enough to make sure even though she isnt here, she is still able to take care of you. She loved you more than you or I will ever know, as my mother did me. Life isnt easy, and she always told me that. Stress is what killed her, and I feel like if things dont change I may end up the same. I want a family, and children, and most of all happiness. Thats all any parent wants for their babies. No matter what age you are, no matter how or why they die, they just want to see us happy. She is always with you in your heart, you know...and she is in every breeze that blows by. Just close your eyes and when you feel like you cant take it anymore, just remember that its ok to be upset, its ok to cry, and its ok to feel like you want to scream and tear your house apart...it doesnt matter what coulve been, how often you saw or didnt see her...she loved u just the same and she always knew you loved her too...I know how you feel. Our mothers are our angels now...
y_piedras_yahoo_com
12 years ago
I am also 32 and lost my mom on Jan
14th. The doctors actually didn't turn her machines off until the 15th but we knew she was gone. I don't know how I'm suppose to feel. I was always the strong one so I keep it together for my son, siblings, and especially my dad. They were married 35 years and it hurts me to see him hurt. Plus instead of dealing with my feelings I block everything and don't think about it. It feels like someone is fixing to scream "april fools" any minute now. My mom went to the Cardiologist for a heart cath and wound up being rushed to the er after going into cardiac arrest for a triple bypass. But her heart wasn't strong enough to survive. And the thing that haunts me the most is that she cried because she was scared and there was nothing we could do to take that away.

I lost my mother 11 days ago.

Comments (6)

mboston_gw

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