skip to main content

How to grandparent?

21 years ago

First time here. Just found out we will be grandparents in the Spring! I do not want to miss out on anything I am suppose to do. We live 3 1/2 hours away from the kid's. Is there an "instruction" manual? busybody_t

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (5)

denora
21 years ago
Hi Busybody T
I am a new grandmother as well. So far I have learned to listen and respond only to things I am sure my daughter wants answers to. So far "What I did in olden days was..." seems to work. Also, "This is what I did... but ask your pediatrician/other new mothers." Of course, I live closer and will be babysitting when my daughter goes back to work.
My best advice is to concentrate on loving your grandchildren unconditionally. I talk constantly to my granddaughter (she's only 6 weels old) and let her know I love love love her.
ladieg
21 years ago
Since you are 3 1/2 hours away, by the time your gc gets 2 you can send mail, mine love to get mail. I buy special cards and since mine are a little older now, send a piece of gum, a dollar, and draw pictures for them, and if I am not with them for a birthday, I send a pkg, never forgetting the other two. When they visit I always have some little things I have bought. I always think we are making memories. Ladieg
Related Discussions
Hurt by Grandparents
Q
Comments (3)
Oh my, you poor dear! I can totally relate. My daughter is 21 years old and when she was born I got no help from either set of grandparents. That's okay though...I wasn't expecting or asking for help. The annoying thing has been constant, nagging requests for us to travel and to be more involved with our parents and helping our siblings...mostly on my side of the family. (Even though I am the youngest, they have always thought that my job is to rescue them all!) My mother is very manipulative and I had to put good boundaries in place many years ago in order to protect myself and my daughter. And that is what I would advise you to do. Decide on how often you and your husband and child can travel (once every 5 years overseas would be more than generous enough...perhaps once every two years for a trip to Chicago). Continue to be a loving, respectful daughter/daughter-in-law and send occasional photos of your little one to the Grandmas, but if you don't get a response, make that less frequent. (You can protect yourself from being hurt by recognizing that you are doing too much for folks that don't appreciate it...stop doing so much.) How silly for your mother to try to make you feel guilty because she bought a crib for a child that doesn't live with her...it may have been a sweet gesture or wishful thinking on her part, but her threats to send it back are silly and manipulative...if I were you I might tell her that if it were possible to visit more frequently, you'd be coming to visit HER, not a crib! She should send it back, by all means. Decide what you would enjoy in your relationships with your daughter's grandparents and what you feel your obligations are and stick to that like glue! Don't be bullied, don't be manipulated...remember that you are setting an example for your child...you can't lose by being calm and kind but also strong and decisive and able to make the choices that are best for you. Families can be complicated. You can make yours less complicated by simplifying your approach to them. Stop worrying about pleasing them and learn to please yourself. You'll be setting a great example for your daughter.
...See More
Missing my grandchildren
Q
Comments (10)
Why didn't your son go to court and fight because his ex was preventing him from seeing them? He should have done something other than just give up custody totally! That's like saying he really didn't care and just left the kids. It will leave a mark that may never ever be able to be fixed on these children. The mother had no right to keep her kids from his father and if he still was able to see them, then so would you. I had an ex-SIL who was keeping her kids from their father. She claimed that his new wife harrassed her and sent nasty letters and things but there was really no proof that the letters came from the other couple. She also made sure not to EVER pick up the phone if the Caller ID said out of area and he lived out of the state. She ended up leaving my BIL and finding a new guy but at the time she was talking about abandonment and having my BIL adopt the kids. She told the kids their father didn't care and yet stopped any form of communication between them. You have no idea what this woman may be saying or doing with these kids. Look into Grandparents rights and maybe also you need to talk to your son about getting back in his kids life. You don't stop seeing them because the mother makes your life hard. My step father has been bad mouthed and blackmailed and everything else by his ex-wife but it hasn't stopped him from trying to be with his children. It's going to probably be a long, bumpy ride but you have to decide if the children are worth it and do it.
...See More
Uninterested Grandparents
Q
Comments (102)
The more I read on here, the better I feel. I grew up with no grandparents, they all died when I was little. My kids grew up with only one set of grandparents because my dad and their dad's dad were far away and didn't care too much. My mom and dad lived about 4 hours away. We saw her every Christmas and sometimes in between when I could afford to go visit her. So my kids didn't get to see them too often, but we had good times when we did. Did it bother me that my mom didn't come to visit me? Yes, but I never cut her off for not being the perfect mom or grandma. But I vowed I would do better. I have 4 daughters, and when I got my first granddaughter, I still had a 5 year old and 11 yr old, and 17 yr old. By the time I had my next two grandsons, I still had two daughters at home. It was like having more kids, especially since they all lived with me when in financial crisis, when going through a divorce, etc. I remember my daughter telling me it was my job as a grandmother to babysit the kids and I should want to, and besides, I had nothing else to do anyways. She was dating online at the time and I finally said no more. I would babysit for her, but not every weekend while she was going out with a new guy each time. Now back to the present where she has cut me out of her life......when she was throwing all the stuff about me being selfish and not spending enough time with the boys, I asked her why she never invited me over her house to visit.... bbq or play cards (I had mentioned it to her more than once) and her only excuse was she couldn't afford to bbq because her bf wasn't working enough. When I asked her why she never came over when I invited her and boys to go swimming.....well, she ignored that one. Two weeks before she posted about me on fb, I finally got them to come swimming, but she brought this new friend of hers and her kids with her and spent the whole time talking to her, so I think that was the only reason she finally came. One week before she posted the fb post about me, I had emailed her from work asking if they wanted to go to a baseball game cause my work offered me free tickets. I thought the boys would enjoy it. She refused. Two days before the post, I had emailed her because I knew her birthday was coming up and I offered to babysit the boys (including her bf's son) so they could go do something special and she said no thank you and don't ask why. I thought at the time it was cause she was mad at her bf. And then I get the post about being such a bad grandma-so I truly was it total shock. I had to stay home two day from work I was so upset. I just don't understand.....if it all really mattered to her, why doesn't she want to make it work when it's offered? Instead she says no, I don't care, I don't miss you, the boys are losing much, and I'm embarrassed to call any of you family. That was also even after two of her sisters said sorry for not visiting more (even though they live far away)
...See More
Dinner tonight
Q
Comments (7)
The host of the party rides at the same barn where my wife keeps her horses. So they see each other several times a week. Plus I have been to many other parties where this couple has also been in attendance, I just had never been to their house before, which is just up the hill from the castle. Another feature that I saw as I was driving in, but didn't get a chance for a better view, was a spring-filled swimming pool. This is the view of the overpass from the interstate as you go up the mountain. It really isn't anything special, it just is an odd location such that when I would drive under I'd think: "Hmmm, I wonder where that goes." Also both Skyline Drive (the main road that runs the length of Shenandoah National Park), and the Appalachian Trail run across a corner of the property. The AT used to go to a peak on the property with 360 degree views, from which you could see the castle, but after several people hiked down to the castle from the trail, and caused some problems, they asked the park service to re-route the Appalachian Trail slightly.
...See More
moumine_2006
20 years ago
I know how you feel.I have two grandkids which I don't see that much and it hurts.But I guess that we can't have it all,at least that's what their dad tells me.So I try and talk to them on the phone and sent them gifts but I would perfur to hold them in my arms and tell them that I love them.
rosajoe_gw
20 years ago
I love being a grandparent and we live 2 miles away, we are moving to about 4 1/2 miles away. It is sad, but it is the best for us.
The most important thing a grandparent can remember, in my opinion, is that as much as we love them we are not the parents. I do not criticize the parents and I ask before I buy them a big purchase.
I had wanted to buy them a TV for their bedroom and when I asked my daughter she said no, she wants the family to watch TV together.
That is OK with me, I took the money and bought them savings bonds.
We still spoil them of course and if I thought the parents were harming them in anyway I would be the first to speak up, but they are both kind and caring parents.
Just pay losts of attention to them and love them, they grow up so fast!!!
booboo60
20 years ago
How delightful to find a "grandparents" forum!!! I have some grandchildren close by and some hours away but I have been at the birth of them all and consider that to be a huge blessing!! My dh and I always make time to see them and have them over and we "love them up" as much as possible. We never forget who the parents are and truthfully I don't want to "parent" my grandchildren! I enjoy them going back to their parents but give them love as much as I can. I babysat a couple of them when they were small and to tell you the honest truth when they got to be toddlerish and older I did not enjoy being the disciplinarian!!!! Leave that to Mom and Dad!!! I love the "grandparent" role and think it was meant to be that way!!! I do, however, so admire grandparents that have taken on the role of being parents or that have custody of their grandchildren. It is not easy the older we get but you can't find anyone to love them more!!!!! Thanks for the opportunity to talk about the loves of my life, hope it was helpful!!!!

Related Stories

FEEL-GOOD HOME Simple Pleasures: Treasuring the Gift of Grandparents

By Laura Gaskill

You can enrich your family life by bringing generations together for shared meals, quilting projects, storytelling

EXTERIORS Great Design Element Our Grandparents Knew All About: Awnings

By Becky Harris

This time-tested feature for shading and cooling is enjoying a resurgence

DECORATING GUIDES Channel Your Grandparents for a Fresh Take on Retro

See How to Turn Tradition Into Fun and Unexpected Interiors

PLANTING IDEAS These Aren’t Your Grandparents’ Junipers

Dislike junipers? Maybe it’s time to discover new varieties and new uses for this garden workhorse

REMODELING GUIDES One Big Happy Expansion for Michigan Grandparents

By Bud Dietrich, AIA

No more crowding around the Christmas tree. Friends and extended family now have all the elbow room they need, thanks to a smart addition

OUTBUILDINGS See a Guesthouse Built by Grandpa for Summertime Fun

By Becky Harris

Lucky grandchildren get a camp all to themselves, thanks to tents and a bathhouse with beds in their grandparents’ backyard

HOUZZ TOURS My Houzz: Making Room for 3 Generations

A Salt Lake City home creates privacy and independence for grandparents, parents, kids and dogs

HOUZZ TOURS My Houzz: 2 Dwellings Keep Things All in the Family

By Louise Lakier

Grandparents get a newly built guest cottage in Portland, while the main bungalow benefits from a major overhaul

HOUZZ TOURS My Houzz: Family Efforts Pay Off for a 1915 Home

By Esther Hershcovich

Everyone from the kids to the grandparents helped renovate this Montreal house — and the results show how much they care

MOST POPULAR A Magical Tree House Lights Up for Christmas

By Sarah Greenman

From the Most Popular file: An incredible tree house takes things up a notch for the holidays. See how it came to be

Sponsored

River Mill Construction

2 Reviews

Delaware County's Customer Focused General Contractor