blfenton, what a nice, no foolin', April 1 thread! I don't post on a lot of the more personal threads, but I do read some of them and am always struck by the wealth of knowledge-even though not related to decorating. People are very nice in this forum, too. Glad the meringue turned out...I didn't realize bestyears had recommended the same thing...I was happy to read your guest wasn't also vegan, so thought of meringue immediately. :)

This is not about Santa .... this is about something much deeper. I agree it is the daughter's decision to make, however, how the daughter has chosen to manage this situation is inappropriate. If there were not underlying motives on the part of the daughter such a topic of disagreement would not have caused this breach. The Santa scenario is a mere vehicle for the daughter to use against her mother to punish her for a historical 'perceived crime' against her. Such situations are inexpressibly complex. One thing is for sure .. if the grandmother was disproportionally better off financially than her daughter and was socially connected, had a large circle of friends and a significant other with whom she was happy .... I can guarantee the daughter would be behaving very differently. Unfortunately the daughter is taking advantage of her mother's loneliness as well as her emotions. The daughter may have a deep-seated grievance but whether it is legitimate is another matter. Without doubt the daughter cruelly lacks judgment and has the classic attributes of the Narcissist.

dear justine grower, I have lurked at your last post and having witnessed the end of my mothers no good marriage, and remembering my position as her young daughter at the time, this is a I need to see through. I spoke to a friend of mine who is a psychologist, he says that your husband is displaying classic sociopathic behavior, he may not a murderer, but he is void of actual feeling, and everything and everyone is simply being kept neatly in their rightful place in his life because this is where they are in his mind. He will never divorce you, but you will never feel loved by him, you are there simply to play your role, as your daughter is. But I am afraid for your daughter, because when she develops into a young woman with wants and needs contrary to daddy's ideas for her, her self esteem will be crushed by him, because she will too, be kept neatly in place and eventually grow in to a woman who will not make a decision without, specifically, his direction. If this is the case for her, what will happen to her when something happens to him. She will never individuate from him, he will be the extension of her that gives direction to her life. May I ask, what happens when you have an idea concernign some decision for your daughter that he opposes? Does your idea stand a chance, or does he go on proving his postition by making you of no effect in the direction of her life, except when it corresponds with his ideas? I am sorry that you are sad, and that you feel the natural loving and maternal need to save him, or help him heal, but you need to realise that his way of thinking and analysing real llife aituations is not going to change, or even get better without some serious therapy, multiplied years of therapy, and he must be submissive at that, now honestly, do you really think this is possible? He feels safe only when things can be controlled, which is why he is great at work, there is no emotion to complicate the work environment, there is simply a formula to follow, the rules are straight laced, he walks the beaten path everyday, and can follow the same rules over and over and over again to make things work for him there without question. But with you, when he follows the same rules over and over and over again, there are questions, complications and unhappiness, which he cannot understand anyway 'I can't connect to his personality, he says one thing today and something else tomorrow, doesn't even remember or says 'well that was yesterday'. Sometimes I wonder who the hell he really is?' You are not loved, you are simply filling a role normal to an adult male in his adult male life. So is your daughter, 'Like he never memorizes things about me, after 10 years he still gets me wrong presents and red instead of white wine. He is not on my side if somebody hurts my feelings' It is obvious that your role as 'wife' in his life had been fashioned in his mind long before you even met him. You are in a position that fits no one but him, in his mind the wife he has isn;t anyone but someone he made up, I guess that you were the closest fit, or a woman who was easy to mold, or make fit into what he envisions. Was he abused as a child, why was his emotional development so stunted, that he plays life? You do realise that he isn't living it right? And I am sorry, but you cannot save him in time to save your daughter. Get out for your daughter's sake, even if you are convinced that you love him and want to see him better, then look on him and support his progress as a friend. Please get your daughter out of there.

Perhaps you're feeling a tiny bit conflicted because, in a good way, you were the witness and ultimately, because you were, he went to jail and has now died. Be assured you have no reason to bear any burden from this experience. What you are feeling is post traumatic stress as the whole incident is back in your mind again. Know that this will pass, your mind will sort it all out and lay it to rest. Replace the uneasiness with a sense of pride that you saved a girl from being a potential victim. You're our heroine!!! Now smile.