That was nice Mboston.

Very nice, Mboston. I love your sentiment but I have another view.

I lost my fertility at age 15. I loved kids. Wanted them badly. Did the foster parent experience and the test tube baby (now called IVF). I gave myself one cycle as I didnt want to waste money on something that wasn't certain. I knew people who hyper focused on infertility and did not want to walk that path.

On the other side of parenting with three children grown, I'm grateful for the boys I adopted; grateful for the infertility that led me down the path toward adoption.. Grateful for the experience few people know.

If one wants to be a parent bad enough, there are many ways to achieve that goal. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. Adoption opened my heart and mind in ways I never expected. It stretched me as a human being. I will be forever grateful to my infertility and the path that led me down. My boys are too.

Emerald, I know people can get hung up on infertility and get stuck in that mode. I hope you keep the focus on parenting and do what you have to do to become one. Society needs parents, regardless of bodily flaws. The love and commitment is no different. Adopted kids are just as cute as biological kids. Promise.

Pregnancy requires nothing from you except watching your diet. Parenting requires everything right out of the gate. Don't confuse the two. Have a Mother's Day. It is totally possible.

So very thoughtful of you mboston. I'm sure she will appreciate it immensely.

Hope all is going well for you, too, Esmeraldis. Your future is bright again!

Mboston, your post made me cry! Thank you so much for posting a message to me.

It's been an exhausting few months of waiting and more waiting and I just didn't have it in me to write up a huge post with no real information except maybes and more maybes.

I also had a small email issue with someone here on Gardenweb and she tipped me over so I haven't logged back into my emeraldisle email since then. The gall of some people sometimes. But I shouldn't let that take away from all of you wonderful people. :)

I saw my oncologist at the end of March after seeing the fertility specialist the week before. We needed my oncologist to give us specifics on time (she gave me until September to get pregnant!), we needed her to say if I could carry the baby or if it would have to be a surrogate (she said I definitely can carry the baby!), I stopped taking the Megace that same day (so the worry is the cancer will definitely grow back but there is no way to determine how fast and/or aggressive it will be) and it's a no to any hormone treatments to stimulate eggs as my cancer is hormone dependent.

So...after stopping the Megace, I had to wait for my cycle to reset itself (I hadn't had one since June) and then the fertility testing would start. 6 months seems like a lot of time but really it's not! I got my cycle and then 2 days later had to get to the fertility doc for blood tests and an ovary ultrasound for them to count the eggs. It was a couple of days after the marathon bombing and it was overwhelming (to put it mildly) to have the armed National Guardsmen and their Hummer vehicles standing outside Mass General. I actually starting crying at the sight of them as this is the world we live in now and I'm trying to bring a baby into the world. And my heart broke knowing I was thisclose to the victims that were brought to MGH.

Of course during the ultrasound I hear everything the doctor doing the procedure (not my doc) is telling the nurse. So I mentally make my notes and I'm googling everything on my phone before we even leave the hospital. My appointment with my doctor was the following week to discuss results. I only have 3 eggs on each ovary (low for someone my age not in menopause) and one of my hormones is very low. My doctor told me not to panic yet as it doesn't mean that I can't get pregnant naturally, it's just not ideal for egg retrieval. Plus he can't give me hormones to stimulate any more eggs due to the cancer. My doctor is so sweet, he's determined to help me and says he thinks about my case all of the time and what he can do for me (safely of course!). He's never had a case with my variation of issues so it's a first for him and his staff. I was talking to one of my cousins (she's a nurse at MGH) and she said these one of a kind cases get a lot of attention as it's both a challenge and an opportunity for them, so that made me happy.

My doctor decided to wait until my next cycle (whenever that would be as I don't have a real cycle schedule) and re-test everything to confirm the numbers. I figured it would be 4 weeks or so, turns out it was just 3 weeks later. So I went again last week for another ultrasound (still only 3 eggs on each ovary) and more bloodwork. I go back at the end of this month to see what the next step is.

I also saw my OB/GYN last month and she said I'm the most determined patient she's ever had and can't believe how much I've been through in the last year trying to figure this all out. She said if I end up pregnant after all of this, she will make sure my story makes it into a medical journal as it deserves to be. I told her I'm just doing what I can, it's all I know how to do. I never ever give up without a fight!

So, in a nutshell, here I am! Still patiently waiting and worrying about only having 4 months left now to get pregnant. My oncologist is allowing me to wait 6 months for my next D&C as she felt confident to do that. I trust her literally with my life and I know she wouldn't allow it if she wasn't ok with it. It's definitely a risk I'm taking but my husband and I talked it all out and it's what I wanted to do. At this point, what is 6 months. (I hope I don't regret those words!)

Mothers Day this year was really hard for me, I didn't expect it to be so emotional. It was like I was mourning something I never had. My mom went to my brother's house and I decided against it. I felt bad but I had a long talk with my mom and she said she understood. I haven't seen anyone in my family for a few months and I didn't want a million questions about everything plus I didn't want to take away from it being my mom's and my brother's MIL holiday. And...I definitely didn't want to have to stop by my in-laws house. My mother-in-law and I are on the outs as I couldn't take the pressure of the constant texts asking how I was doing, wanting all the details, etc. I know she cares about me but I finally had to tell her this was between me and her son and no one understands the stress I have right now. I know she's angry but it's really too bad. I have no room in my life for drama at the moment!

You ladies are so sweet. I still read here all of the time, I just didn't have it in me to post. But now you sure got an earful (or would that be an eyeful!). All of your prayers, good vibes and thoughts are on my mind every single day. I couldn't have made it this far without people like you sending up your prayers to the big man upstairs. :) You have no idea how thankful I am for you.

This post was edited by emeraldisle624 on Tue, May 14, 13 at 12:46

Thank you so much for the update. I have been following your story closely as I dealt with infertility for 4 years before finally getting pregnant. I had a benign fibroid in my uterus and once that was removed through a c section type procedure, we were able to get pregnant on our own 6 months later. As I type, I'm 14 weeks with number 2. I know what it feels like to want a baby so bad, especially on Mother's Day of all days.
I will say this...along the lines of what golddust said...waiting for a baby for 4 years taught me a kind of patience I never knew before. I know it was in God's plan for it to go that way, because I am a better mother now because of it.
You will get your baby. I don't know if you are religious, but I found so much comfort in the story of Hannah in I Samuel chapter 1. My son's middle name is Samuel because of it. :)

Glad to hear things are still moving in a positive manner. I will the prayers going and sending strength to carry you through the next couple of months.