Trailrunner, I hear what you are saying about the value of work, & how it contributes to lives, to society, to who we are. We are interdependent & couldn't get through a single day without the contributions of 100's of people! Isn't that a humbling thought? The efforts of so many are simply vital! One week without trash pick-up illustrates that reality beautifully! We really are all connected. We also live in a world where WORK is given so very much attention & adulation for all the wrong reasons! What people do to earn money (& of course how much they earn!) often defines them to an extent that I personally find bizarre. I know you know what I'm talking about! That is why I care less about how people earn a living than with other features of their humanity. What interests me the most about the people who have impressed me over the years, is a certain "quality of attention" they give to a task, no matter how grand or humble it may be. That presence, that "flow" as it has been called, is being fully human, & is strikingly beautiful. The way someone who is mindful & present sets a table, prepares a meal, interacts with a child, speaks to strangers, can mesmerize me. We can witness life in it's fullest, most whole, complete & beautiful, by seeing even the simplest thing done with great care. But, moments like that can easily be overlooked & or seen as meaningless in this world so obsessed with career paths & success strategies. Still, indeed, I well agree that a person can perform the work they do for a living with the care, attention & presence I am referring to, & when that happens, we are all made better! (Actually, you, your dh, your son & his wife (at the restaurant) impress me as fine examples of people who live like this!) You nursed the sick, you sang opera, you ran the trails. You have seen others nurse, sing & run as well. I would imagine that you did all of these things attentively, lovingly, mindfully, but certainly you have witnessed these tasks performed robotically or in a "check list" sort of fashion. For me, it is not the "what" but the "how" that leads to completion, wholeness, fufillment, whether we are "working" or not. Whatever we are doing, matters little in the end, but what could be sweeter than to feel content with "how" we've done things, no matter what they were, no matter how small or insignificant? To live with true quality of attention, to do our best, no matter if anyone is looking or a paycheck is in the mail. With this approach to life, when one "retires" the habit of living mindfully & being present has enriched the heart & mind so fully that a "deficit" or void of any kind is not perceived. Life in all of its fullness continues to surprise, delight & offer rich rewards, even without the job, title, paycheck & all the status & approval from others that those things confer.

I do not find knitting socks to be difficult and was surprised after reading everyone's concerns here. What I do find is that the pattern often calls for needles that are just too big and I end up with a huge sock. I am making some Magic Stripe socks for a friend's daughter to use as dorm socks. Only problem is that though I can make a pair from one skein of Magic Stripe, there is not enough yarn in this particular kind of striping to start the second sock exactly where I started the first-the repeats are too far apart. Soooo, I guess she will get that second sock just slightly off the striping of the first sock. By the way, Magic Stripe is so cute to use in making booties for little boys. Not feminine enough for girls IMO, but I will make a baby sock and add a row of eyelet holes at the bottom of the cuff and crochet a tie to lace through the holes. Nice small booties for a young baby and so preppy looking for a boy.

dunmoanin, I am so glad i have read your post. My situation is not what you have discribed but i see some similarities. I had a blow out with my husband last week. I understand that men from divorce are stuck between two families...but last week just took the straw for me. I'm lucky , very lucky in one sense because my sd does nto live with us. She comes EOW. BUT she manipulates and tries to hog alot of time from her father when it suites her. IE she is very jealous of her own brother when he spends time with his dad when they both come over. My dh puts her in her place but this jealousy has been there since i'm met her when she was 5 years old. She definitely was jealous when i came into her dads life and he again put her in her place. So in none sense , dad doesn't put his daughter all the time on a pedestal BUT he does favor her above both his sons...which i find disgusting. He does share way too much info...i mean, all daily activity with her on the phone when she phones. She use to phone all the time...but thankfully that has stopped because she is older, in her teens and fights with her dad because he now has opened his eyes. But what happened last week really stabbed me. I have been testing her by telling her about plans ahead of time...and she sabotages them. I only told my dh 2 days ago. I blew up...God help...i've never been so angry in my life and some of the things i said were so vile towards him and his daugther but i just erupted. i basically said that he should marry his daughter and go......i wont say it further...but you get the gist..... i told him she says jump andhe says how high...that he backstabbed me as a wife and friend. He knew we had plans but the dear daugther phones and he promised to take her to lunch and watch her game and dumps all the plans out the door for the entire family for her! Well i told him off , told him my feelings..and also told him to keep his plans wih his daugther and that i would make other arrangments. i slept separatly for 2 nights We spoke, mended...and low and behold she phones again..says someting to him that shocked him and he defended me..and told her to stay at home ... I'm drained....i'm unhappy...not at my husband...but at the events that unfolded. The stupid games...andi todl him last night that i'm starting to hate her, resent her and not care....its building. I wnat to let it go..but i do not trust her and she plays games.....Been taught by her mother , she's influenced by her mother....so there is nothing i can do about it....but i do notsee it gettign any better when she is older. I just see more games...i just pray that my husband keeps his eyes open. He does buckle from time to time. He said he wanted to give a diamond necklace for her sweet 16....keep in mind he doesn't havea penny to his name! He wont give jewellery to me but he wants to do it for his daughter!!!!????? I'm not jealous. Honestly i'm not. BUt i just do not think its normal for a man to share every detail moment of his life with his daugther....he's also pulled back from doing that now as well. But how long will this happen? After reading your story, i just cannot believe you stayed that long and took so much disrespect. I had one incident last week and i made sure he knew exactly how i felt adn i told him he goes down that path, i will be out the door...no lie there! I encourage him to see his kids and be with them....but not to leave me hanging because of sd manipulations. To make him choose between me and her..or now...her and my son. I hate it. I hate the games. Its disgusting me this week and i'm sooooooo upset about this. I really have no interest in seeing her next time. I need a break

Hi, wow, thanks everyone for taking the time to read my post and respond to it. I came here for advice and other opinions on my situation and I sure got what I came for. One thing that keeps being asked is why she moved out. Everyone wants a clear cut explanation but teenagers are never that simple. The most obvious and probably the main reason is not hard to figure out. Tell me truthfully why do you think an 18 year girl old would want to live in her boyfriends house, hmmm... can't figure it out, could it be SEX. No couldn't be, she must've left because the evil stepdad makes her live under his awesome CONTROL. Please people, some of you have really hurt my feelings, do you really think I would be at a site like this, asking for help, if I was like that. Is that how you were taught to treat people who come to you for help and open their hearts for all to see? But what does that matter I'm just the evil stepdad, I deserve to be treated like dirt, right? But I do realize that none of you could possibly know all the details of my situation and you might fill in the gaps with things from your own experiences. Another reason she left is probably the same reason many young adults leave, they want their independance and freedom to do as they please whenever they please. No surprises there, just a typical teen. The last reason is probably me, I do take responsability for being part of the reason she left, however this takes some explaining and sets some of the blame back in hers and my wifes laps. But this also leads me to something else many have wondered about and that's why we don't get along so good. To explain this requires some background and explaining and a little bit of speculating. My wife was in an abusive relationship with her ex husband, he was a part of their lives until about 6 months before I came into the picture (kids were 14 (yes there's a brother, they are twins and I get along just fine with him)). The ex husband attacked her one time in front of the daughter, the daughter attacked the father and soon after my now wife obtained a restraining order against the father. That should not be taken lightly, I will say again, the kids have seen their real father abuse their mother. I should also explain that both my wife and stepdaughter suffer from depression and they both take antidepressants, nothing wrong with that just that they are known to have some extreme moods. My stepdaughter was also known for her temper tantrums, one example is, at a birthday party she spread her body over the candy that spilled out of a pinyatta (I don't know how to spell) so that none of the other kids could get HER candy. Picture this, a single mom raising two kids that she does not want to have a good relationship with their abusive father. He would give them anything they wanted to keep them in his life and then mom would do the same. To a teenager this must have seemed like she could run them both, anything she wanted she would get it from one or the other, she learned this early. Then comes the attack and the restraining order, she is cut off from her father. She started slipping away, I don't know why, I am no psychologist, she refused to go to school, withdrew from activities and friends, and worst she became aggresive towards her mother. Then I appeared, about 6 months after the attack, I met my wife on the internet in a chat room, we chatted, then phone calls till all hours of the night, we didn't know where the time went, until finally we met face to face and we knew we were in love. The daughter was not too happy about this, now she had to share the only parent she had left. The first words I ever heard from the girl was a very long email about how terrible her mother was and the awful things her mother had done to her (all lies or greatly exaggerated truths) and what a terrible person I was for even thinking about having a relationship with her mother. Her mother tried family counseling with no affect, until finally the daughter became violent with her mother and brother. I remember my wife telling me that she had to put a lock on her bedroom door because she was afraid to go to sleep at night. Soon she had her daughter enrolled and staying at, a school for troubled teens, all this done with the guidance and advice of trained professional counselors. She was not sent away and forgotten, my wife was a big part of her life, there several times a week and to take her out almost every week. While she was there she seemed to mature a little, but she also learned some wonderful things from the other girls, like self mutilation (yeah cutting herself to feel she was in control of something). My wife and I continued to date, long distance, two states away, for about two years. Then we got married and they moved to my state where we bought a house big enough for the four of us. (I should also mention that my wife is not so good with finances, we could not get a loan if her name was anywhere on the documents). I brought the family back together and made it clear from the start that violence would not be tolerated. Well, the daughter started right in trying to do whatever she wanted without regard for anyone else, she was not easy to be around. I really did try to have a good relationship with her but she would ocassionally express her disrespect (aggressively) and it would all fall apart. I know I am partly to blame here I am sure I could have reacted differently, any parent knows children can try you patience and being an inexperienced parent I guess I let her get me riled up. She had been used to telling her mother what to do and she would do it, now her mother would stop and say she needs to see if thats ok with her husband (some of you will try to twist that into controlling, give me a break, some decisions husbands and wives need to check with each other on). This new stepdad was getting in her way, now she really needed to get rid of me. My stepdaughter was in our house for about two years and that brings us to when she moved out. Not very eventful, she started dating this guy he was 25 years old and had his own house, she was 18 so she would stay with him most nights for about two months until she moved in with him. She knew exactly what she was doing and decided to give up living with us so she could be with him, she knew she was welcome to stay and she knows she is welcome to come back. But she also knows if she comes back she will have to follow a few rules and help out around the house. The way she has it now, she can come over and do whatever she wants when we are not home, not contribute anything to the household, then leave the mess and go sleep with her boyfriend. She gets the best of everything and none of the work or responsabilities. As for helping her with college, she does her homework at school, they have wireless at the library, and I should mention that my parents (her step grandparents) are helping to pay for her tuition. We do not provide her with food she works in a restaurant and her boyfriend is so cheap they don't have a full kitchen yet. Where all their money goes is a mystery, they both work, they heat with wood (in other words free) his mother bought the house they live in (no mortgage), no tv, no phone, I am surprised they have electricity. And guess what, drum roll please, she's pregnant. All the more reason I will not try to get in the way of her and her mother having a relationship, I guess I really don't mind her coming over when we are not home as long as she is respectful, the problem is that she is not. We do not even know she is coming and the only way we know she has been there is that things have been moved around, messes have been made and food is missing (yes she eats alot, she weighs about 250lbs). The time my wife told her not to come over when we were not there was when we both came home late from food shopping or something and we wanted to relax a few minutes and watch tv but the remote had disappeared. I know that I am welcome to go to my parents house anytime but I wouldn't dream of being disrespectful about it because I know they would tell me to not come over anymore. That's what my post is all about, my stepdaughter does not seem to understand that she has made choices and with every choice there are consequences. I was taught that parents are supposed to teach their children how to get through this world and be responsable, respectable adults. That's my real question is it better to let her do as she pleases or help her learn an important life lesson. It is not a matter of control it is a matter of an adult trying to help a child understand this world. Listening to some of your posts, I think it is way too late, and I need to let it go, so my wife can get to know her grandchild and try to be happy. Thanks again for all your posts, take care and god bless you all.