Hang in there, Jan! Let us know if we can help in any way, even if it is just to amuse you.

Jan ~~ are you a Wisconsin teacher? ~~ I'd be depressed too, if that's the case ~~

I'm sorry Jan. I've been there. Last year felt like a pressure cooker and I honestly thought I was going to lose it for real a couple times. Felt like I was fighting to keep from slipping into a black hole. (Classic depression.) I should have talked to someone impartial and in-depth, but didn't. (Well, I tried once, at a different 'support' forum I had never been to, just for anonymity. Huge mistake. I swear it was filled with hateful strangers and smart mouths. Some of whom probably weren't a day over 15 but pretending to be adult. It's awful the stranger-hate that's out there, it's like they're taking their pent up aggressions out online. To someone vulnerable, it only hurt all the more. So I'd avoid that route unless you study the ebb & flow of the forum for awhile. Had I done that, I would have seen it's how they treat anyone reaching out.) Talking to family didn't help, some of them were part of the problem. :/ My family doc knows some, and is a good listener with good advice, but that's not really his area. I should have sought a minister, professional counselor, someone. But didn't for various reasons. (Looking back, even my friends here would have been a good source of support had I opened up.)

Please don't let the bad things swallow you up in darkness. We're here if you need us. ((hugs))

jakabedy - Thank you so much.

lefleur-1 - Yes, I am affected by all of the attacks on WI public sector unions, unfortunately.

moonshadow - Sorry to hear about your negative online experience. I definitely could use some support, although, again, due to my life circumstances, I'm quite isolated right now. I don't even have a real "best friend".

Jan - many of us have been in your shoes and I ache to read your last comment about not having a real "best friend". Please, please don't succumb to the feeling of isolation - there truly is a community of support for you here. And some of us just may be close enough for a real - not virtual - cup of coffee. You can email me through GW

Deb

Jan-I am going through a rough period myself. Here are some of the things I am doing to survive. Everyone's situation is different, of course, but this might give you some ideas.

I started keeping a 5-year journal. It helps me record events, ever so briefly, and the idea is that eventually, I can look back and see how things have gotten better. I have done this at other times in my life, and it does help.

I try to go for a walk every day, preferably during daylight hours.

I reach out to friends and family. Spending time talking, according to information I've read, has healing properties. It can be a balm. One doesn't necessarily need a best friend to do this.

I reach out when I need distraction--I will call a friend and ask to go out to coffee, or lunch, or a drink. This isn't easy for me to do, but it helps me, and I think others feel good because they are doing something for me that is tangible.

This sounds obvious, but I no longer spend time doing things I don't want to do. I have given myself permission to skip out on those things that drain me. Special dispensation during dark times.

I have a friend who is going through a very difficult time, herself. I try to do things for her--bring over a loaf of homemade bread, a nice soap, that sort of thing--small gestures that let her know I'm thinking of her. Doing that, interestingly, helps me feel better.

I watch old, funny movies. It really is true that humor can help.

Having said these things, I also believe that therapy and/or antidepressants should be considered, too. Your health care provider can help.

The other day I found a card that says "Only in the storm can you see the art of the real sailor." I'm hopeful that your storm is short-lived.

Karen

Jan, I can pretty much echo Moonshadow. Without going into detail, last year was the worst in my life. Faced with a parent with a terminal illness, one needing major surgery and a grandparent that I am basically responsible for that I had to place in assisted living. Still dealing with the after effects but I will say that having a good support system for yourself is CRITICAL. You have to take care of yourself. The one good thing that came out of this situation was how much closer my sister and I became (my brother also but he is out-of-town). My sister and I basically had it all on our shoulders. We could not have made it without each other. I personally could not have made it without my husband, who is my rock and as loving to my family as his own. When I was about to drop - he stepped in. I also have a good support system of friends and a church family that went over and beyond to help my family. So, what I am trying to tell you is you must definitely find yourself some support. Whether it be a church, a counselor, family, friends, whatever. You need to take care of YOU in order to take care of the situation - whatever it may be. I wish you the best of luck and if you feel comfortable talking here - please do. Please feel free to email me if you ever want to talk.

tina

Deb - Thank you, and I may just take you up on the email offer.

Karen - Distraction and physical movement definitely help. I was able to clean the house for a while today, but just can't seem to get myself out the door for a walk. The commercial about depression causing a person to have to wind herself up just to function rings true.

Tina - I would benefit from a support system. My family can't be that for me right now for a variety of reasons. My life is very unbalanced due to work and having special needs kids. There is simply no time left over. It's a chore just to fit in a haircut every so often. That's why I haven't had the opportunity to develop friendships, hobbies, or social involvement outside of work and home. I accept that for the time being, although, right now, I could use a confidant, for sure.

I hope you find one Jan and if you really think it is depression, then please, I urge you to find a counselor. I'm sorry things are so rough right now.

tina

Jan -

I haven't read all the replies yet but want you to know that I'm here in Madison and am a public sector employee, too.

It's been several hard months (since the election, IMO) of not knowing what to expect, fear, sadness, anger, disbelief. Please know you're not alone and I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

My life is very unbalanced... bingo
There is simply no time left over. It's a chore just to fit in a haircut every so often. That's why I haven't had the opportunity to develop friendships, hobbies, or social involvement outside of work and home.

Same spot I was in. (Caregiver in all phases for 10+ years, health, finances, etc to a very ill parent, my mom passed away end of last year.) Figure it will easily be end of this year before life has any semblance of 'normal'. (I forget what normal feels like to tell you the truth.) Am sure Tina can attest (as you can), whether it's kids or elderly with needs, pile on top that other problems (family, spouse, work, our own health, etc.)... try as we might we just can't do it all. Or be everything for everyone. Sooner or later we'll crash and burn.

My 'escape' was at the end of the day, I'd curl up with some mind-numbingly stupid magazine or tv show and just float away. My brain literally could not absorb anything beyond that. I also steered clear of reading or watching any news. I couldn't discuss current events nor did I give a rip. It was just overload.

I'll extend the same invitation: vent, scream, cry, whatever you need, feel free to click on my ID and shoot me an email as well. You have friends here who 'get it' and care.

I wish you the best of luck in finding what you need to give you a push,
feel free to vent here as much as you want.

I ditto what mitchdesj stated. Please vent here as much as you need; I think you'll always receive only empathy and a virtual warm hug.

As a retired public employee, and a resident of Ohio, which is facing the same ignorance of public service as Wisconsin, I find myself very angry about this wave of hatred towards public employees.

As for dealing on a day to day basis, do what HAS to be done and ignore the rest. kk_md has some great advice.

And, best friends are great, but therapists are better when it comes to dealing with depression. Your place of employment certainly must have an EAP. Ours permitted individuals to attend up to 6 sessions, free of charge, during work hours, with a licensed clinical social worker. Check it out.

I'll be thinking of you.
Dee

((Jan))lot of good advice above. I will be thinking of you and hoping that your path becomes easier.

Jan,

I am so sorry for your dark days. I have experienced lots of those in the past few years, and I know how hard it can be. You have gotten excellent advice here, and I want to applaud you for having the courage to open up and express your feelings. I hope that things get better for you.

Jana

Jan, I'm here for you. I'm a public employee too, and I can understand where you're coming from feeling the negativity from some of the private sector. I hope it brings you some measure of comfort to know that there are MILLIONS of others who support you guys in Wisconsin and will stand for you.

I've had the year from hell myself...and I had to take some advice and go to our EAP. I also got myself on some anti-depressants which have helped a lot. And I vented on this board. The support from my 'virtual' friends has helped me tremendously. While I've not met the majority of these wonderful folks here, I feel their generosity and spirit as I feel with my 'real life' friends.

Please don't hesitate to reach out, even if you feel you must do it in an email privately. You have way too much on your plate to handle it all on your own, and you do need some respite. Hugs to you Jan.

Jan, I'm sorry that you're in such a hard place.

You mentioned having special needs kids and not having enough time. Have you checked into respite care? Even a couple of hours to do something for yourself can make a huge difference.

As a yoga teacher I have a couple of quick suggestions. How we carry ourselves usually reflects how we are feeling. Sadness and depression show up as some degree of collapsing in the chest and moving toward a fetal position. The breath is shallow and constricted. It won't fix your life, but you'll feel better physically if you breathe diaphragmatically. Crocodile is an easy pose in which it happens automatically. Lie on the floor on your belly, with the arms crossed under your head. Rest the forehead on the wrists of the hands. Close your eyes and breathe. Try to allow your body to soften into the floor a little more with each breath. That's it. If by chance you've studied yoga at some point, now's the time to revisit back-bend poses because they energize us. (More room for the breath.) Otherwise, whenever you sit on the toilet you can lengthen your torso gently from the groin up to the head, gently lifting and opening through the chest and inviting the breath into the belly. It will only add a few seconds to your bathroom break.

Please keep writing. There's nothing worse that feeling isolated. We may not be your best friend, but we care.

Here is a link that might be useful: Respite Care Association of Wisconsin

Well, I logged in this morning, and I'm so touched by all of your responses - that you would take the time to post some words of encouragement and support.

Tina - I'm sure that what I'm dealing with is situational. The "situations" are pretty bad, and were it not for them, I wouldn't be in this place. I'm considering my options for finding a professional therapist.

pugga - I can only imagine what it must be like living in Madison right now. I'm so thankful for the protestors there. What an amazing turnout. Both my hubby and I work in the public sector, and if we both lose our jobs, it will be devastating financially. The uncertainty and vocalized disdain of public employees is hard to take.

moonshadow - I so appreciate your thoughts. I've been trying to take time for myself, as depression makes everything seem overwhelming.

mitchdesj - thanks.

Dee - I'm seriously considering the EAP thing. I have the information, so I'll probably look into it this week. Confidentiality is really important to me.

cooperbailey and texanjana - thanks for posting.

pesky - I'm humbled by your kindness. Thank you. Again, the EAP is a good option.

yogacat - We have never used respite care, although we've thought about it. I know I would feel terribly guilty doing that. I don't know a lot about yoga, but I am familiar with the importance of breathing for anxiety problems. I will try the things you suggested and to increase my awareness of how I'm breathing.

Jan, I am so sorry to hear your news. My mother was President of CSEA (California Schools Employee Association) for 23 years and I Facebooked my support for the public employees of your state. If we lose our unions, we will lose our middle class and we are well on our way toward that end. What is it? The top 5% wage earners make as much money as all the rest of the people combined. (Don't quote me but it's something close to that figure.)

Please reach out. This is a pretty great place to reach out as there are so many wonderful people here who really care about each other.

Stand tall, stay focused and make sure you are taking good care of yourself. You won't be any good to your kids if you don't take care of you first!

golddust, it's this: "According to the most recent information, the Forbes 400 now have a greater net worth than the bottom 50% of U.S. households combined." Sickening and disgusting.

I thought of you last night after reading this, jan. Folks have said very wise, caring things and I just want to add my voice to those sending support. These are such tough times in so many ways...you're not alone, even if the situations may differ. Maybe we all on g'web can take advantage of this community we've built, dkeep buoying each other up--provide different voices from those who seem to be shouting the loudest locally and nationally.

Clarification: reading "this" meant reading your post. It stuck with me for a long time and I was sending energy to you to hang in there and reach out for the support that will help you.

I didn't mean that I read the Forbes 400 quote and thought of you. That would be strange. Just wanted to be clear.

I just wanted to send you a hug Jan. Do not feel ashamed about respite care, at all. I have a son with autism and my husband had ruled out respite care and at the time I agreed but our lives (and that of my son) would have been improved greatly if I could have just a break once in a while. This year has been hard for many and seems like the hits just keep on coming. Do what you have to do to survive, even if it means respite care.

golddust - I'm trying to take care of myself, as you said. I plan to get outside and take a walk. It will be the first time in a long while. I know physical activity helps with worry. Worry is so toxic and draining.

flyleft - I so appreciate your post, and I have heard that astonishing statistic as well. I was afraid to post that I work in the public sector, but people have been kind here. FWIW, between my hubby and me, we have over 12 years of college education, plus licensing and certification that we've had to achieve and maintain. We love our work and perform to the best of our abilities. I think the thought of both spouses losing their professional positions at the same time (two kids in the family too) would be terribly frightening to most families. Yet, I've seen comments telling public workers that they deserve it and should have seen it coming, etc. Not only are we facing these extreme circumstances, but then people line up to kick us while we're down besides.

tishtoshnm - Thanks for the hug. Since you have a son with autism (bless you, from the bottom of my heart), you know all about the challenges involved. I will consider respite care, at least.

Jan; I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know nothing about what's going on there; just did a quick google.. we're facing our own Union hell as my hubs company is striking tomorrow. Last week; the paychecks were cut by 20% retroactive. They direct deposited it & took the 20% back. Amazing that there is not much news about it. We feel the company is trying to get rid of the union; we'll see.

So I can relate. I'm disabled, we've been trying to recover financially from hubs cancer in 09 but his company has been stopping us due to things they've been doing. We can't even break even; so I've been working around the house as much as I can; trying to get it ready for sale in case we have to list it. It took me a week to paint one room.

I'm trying to think if I know of any message board for support; nothing is really popping in my head. I also don't have RL friends or family; I bonded with a gal I met online but she hasn't had time for me due to her brother being on his deathbed; so I don't know what I'm going to do. If I happen to find one I'll post.

~Hugs

Sending along my own hugs to Jan ... (((((many hugs, tea and dark chocolate)))) You are not alone. We are here. Post when you can -- and keep us close.

Another one here in "interesting times" since 2001 -- and believe me -- I know how the darkness can easily close in.

So tonight -- light a candle.

Yep -- I send this invitation to all here -- tonight we ALL light a candle .... and push back the darkness.

Jan at Rosemary Cottage

Jan - Your comment about a special needs child caught my attention. I don't know your exact situation, but I had a special needs child that didn't fit into the typical category of "special needs". He had a lot of issues going on that most people couldn't even begin to understand, which left me in a very isolated place. I was stuck for 20 years in a marriage I didn't want to be in, because my son needed me at home and I couldn't work. My son is now 21 and doing so much better and I'm finally divorced, but it takes time to recover and get your life back. You may not want to share the details of what you're going through online, but we're all here for you if you do. You can also email me if you'd like to talk.

Laurie

((hugs)) Jan and all my GW friends who are having a rough time of it. Sincerely hoping for bright days for each and everyone one of you.

Lori

Jan another ((hug)) coming your way from a fellow Wisconsin public sector worker. The uncertainties and yes, the hateful comments and divisions both within communities and families, are really hard to deal with right now. My husband's job looks to be in jeopardy as well, although he is not public sector.

Know that you are not alone and that there are many pulling for you! Try at least once each day to think of a good thing in your life and give thanks. I know that has helped me. You are more than welcome to shoot me an email anytime you need to "talk".

roselvr - So sorry to hear about your hard times. I would have to think that there is support on the web somewhere. Look at how great this forum group is - off-topic and all.

teacats - Isn't it interesting that it is in the darkness that a candle's light is so much more apparent?

Laurie - Both of our boys have special needs, although the younger one's autism spectrum disorder poses the biggest challenge. You're right about others not having a clue as to the very real and significant stressors this places on a family. Things have improved with therapies, but every day is difficult at times. When other life stressors occur, the resources to deal with them are that much less.

funcolors - thank you.

mary lu - These tough times do offer a unique opportunity to evaluate priorities and find gratitude for the many things we do have.

I am feeling a little better today, but not great. This group has made a big difference. Thanks for taking precious time from your day to lend your support. Really, you would be surprised at how much it helps.

nice to see you posting anyway, Jan. Sorry life is so stressful. And it surely is...

Red

Jan, sounds like you very much need some time to heal and restore after a period of time that's been demanding and intense for you. I know you'll find ways to get your groove back!

We all go through rough times, and I'm so glad that you reached out here for some support and to get some of your worries off of your chest.

No one has a perfect life, but so many of us walk around with the "everything's great" social face, fearful to share any of our disappointments or worries.

Unfortunately, it truly is wise sometimes NOT to share too much personal info with some people. Haven't we all experienced negative reactions when sharing that something in our lives is not too great? There are people who take advantage of our vulnerability, or act as if we're a sandwich short of picnic, or just express disinterest because they don't want to hear any bad news.

So, we need to limit our conversation when in the company of some people to the most superficial topics. Sometimes we need to limit our time or even avoid certain people who rather than lift us up, just drag us down more. Just saying, it is wise to practice discretion and trust your instincts when choosing with whom and how much to share.

This forum is a good place to talk, and I'm so glad you did. Sending you hugs and wishes for smoother sailing ahead!

Jan, please don't feel guilty about getting respite care. As I have mentioned before, I am a special education teacher (another public employee wondering what they nare talking about when they cite high salaries, amazing benefits and huge retirement funds-not sure I can ever retire and the rest is a myth too). I also have an older sister on the spectrum, although back in the 50s it wasn't labeled as such. You and your husband both deserve a break now and then, so please take advantage of whatever you can. With everything so unsettled, you need to take care of yourself first. If you don't, you certainly won't be able to take care of anyone else.

Even if you get someone to come in for a couple of hours a week, that is enough time to get some fresh air, go to a funny movie, find a cozy chair in the library or even a hotel lobby where you can read undisturbed.

I am another you may email if you need to rant or cry or whatever. I am sorry I don't live nearby (born in Marinette when my dad was out there for a couple of years, but grew up on the East Coast). I would love to be more help.

((((hugs))))

I want to echo what others said about the guilt over seeking respite care. I know you are trying to be the best you can be for your loved ones. Getting a break will help you to be better at whatever your doing...being a Mom or wife or daughter... It's been said a million times, but you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.

When I have struggled with dark times, it has helped me to have something on the schedule for myself. Whether it is a class or a support group, something to force me to get out and be out is critical. Otherwise, I just wouldn't do it on my own.

I also cannot overstate the value of good a therapist. Even if you find one and it doesn't feel like a good fit, keep looking. Any therapist is better than no therapist, but ultimately, you should find the right one for you, who helps you see through the murky stuff.

I wish you the best and encourage you to keep coming back here for some much-deserved support!

I see you are keeping it together, that is already an accomplishment.
Keep aiming at getting a walk outdoors, I totally can relate to not quite getting to it but aiming for it. I had a year of semi depression where I would try to get through each day hour by hour; I eventually got stronger and realized this black cloud was gone.

I am always amazed at how resilient we can be. I knew enough to realize I was on the brink of depression, but I was strong enough to get through each day and fight it, getting showered and dressed by 10 a.m. was my ultimate goal for a while, if I could do that I knew I'd be ok that day.

Hang in there but at the same time don't ignore your symptoms if you get worse.

Jan, I've been following this thread and I do hope you are feeling better today.

Isolation. I can relate. Living in the country has isolated me from my old friends. Thank goodness my SIL is my best friend and I call her when I need to vent or cry.

Situational depression is what you're going through, and I've been there done that and other than anti-depressants to stop the crying, nothing else works, until the situation gets better. That's the worst kind of depression there is, because it follows you everywhere, no matter what you're doing, or how "happy" you are in the moment, it's always just THERE.

I don't know what respite care is, but if it can help you, even if you need to check out and go to your bedroom for a nap, then do it.

Is there a family member you can reach out to, even if they live far away?

Check in with us, and I also like what Stinky said about being careful about who you choose to confide in through email. But talking with someone here in email will definitely help, I can attest to that.

Oakley, I was actually talking about being careful in person, not through e-mail, but that's a very good point...e-mail requires perhaps even more caution!

Hope my post didn't sound negative or nasty. There are a lot of good, positive, helpful, caring people out there who are great listeners.

Guess being cautious and careful was at the forefront of my consiousness because I recently had my own experience sharing something with a few people whom I regretted sharing with.

Taught me a lesson to be choosier with whom I confide. Taught me that just because someone is "nice" and a good friend in many ways, does not always mean I should reveal certain details of my life to them.

I'm a pretty open book, so I needed to learn this the hard way. Rather than feel "hurt" I just decided to become more aware!! Learn the lesson and move on.

My take-away is to trust, reach out, and confide, but practice discretion!

I do think these boards are a great place to share and get feedback. There are a lot of smart, caring women here who have been through so many different experiences. It's great to be able to draw on and benefit from so much wisdom.

Jan, hope you're having a nice weekend!

Re: Respite care... It is my opinion that it can be a win-win situation for all involved. It does you good to get a rest and it promotes the development of new relationships with the kids. This is a good thing, right?

Just a note to thank you all so much again. I have a better outlook right now. Letting go of the things I cannot control is something I continue to strive for. Each day has enough worries of its own, right? So why borrow more trouble from the future? I'm trying to prioritize and keep things in perspective.

I have been traveling and away from my computer for 2 weeks so i am just catching up on the KT. I would like to add my hugs and good thoughts to the others. I have been through some tough times, we all have, and it does help to have someone to confide in. I hope that things get better for you soon.

(((Jan)))
I am late chiming in, but I just want to know you are not alone....

I am a state employee, and I completely get it. So sorry for what you are going through. Work is stressful enough without the added burden of politics and controversy. In my case,for over a year, there has been endless ridiculous drama resulting from employee complaints and an internal investigation. It has been incredibly stressful.

I have struggled with depression throughout my life, and the work situation in combination with other life stresses pushed me over the edge to being very depressed. Crying in the car between meetings, losing interest and motivation, feeling completely trapped and hopeless.

It has gotten much better since going back on antidepressants. I am again realizing I probably need to stay on them forever. I don't like it, but know that I truly need them. I also encourage you to find whatever support systems you can-- the EAP program, a trusted friend, this board, respite care, family, whatever you can access. You HAVE TO take care of yourself. Even if it's one evening a week, you must find time to do whatever YOU need to do-- sleep, read, shop, sit...

Lastly, my DH is a special ed teacher (and another state employee). Autism spectrum disorders are very challenging and exhausting. It is 100% normal and acceptable to use respite care. The very reason for it is to give exhausted parents, who have a 24-7 responsibility to their children, in addition to jobs, family, other children, a much needed break!

You are a human being under a lot of pressure! Please be kind to yourself. Great big hugs & lots of empathy from me--
Jen

Jan-
I'm thinking of you too. Be supportive of JAN first! She deserves it!! Allowing oneself to worry/speculate obviously saps the mental energy we need to be healthy. Ultimately...it accomplishes nothing.

I'm ONLY saying the following for the humor effect (which can help too!)...
Do you remember the Newhart (TV comedy show) story-arc where Michael (the Yuppy!) came back from some therapy, and started a goofy movement, where his mantra to the townspeople was...
"Let it go, Forget about it...Try smiling!"

Dang, those episodes were funny!

But view them in a serious light...in a way, it makes a lot of sense. Smiling, and just letting-go of peripheral things which you can't really change anyway, can help a person focus on truly important/useful, and uplifting matters.

Faron

Great advice, Faron!!!

It's so true that we are in charge of our thoughts, and our thinking then leads to our feelings. It definitely DOES take effort, but it's so worth it, to create and choose positive (or even neutral) thoughts over negative. Even singing "row, row, row your boat" provides a reprieve from the negativity, and can give us a "bridge" to thinking in a different, better, more helpful way.

This is something we ALL have to work at, but I think it's really empowering to know that we are in charge of our minds, not the other way around. No one tells us this growing up (at least no one told ME this!) I thought we were at the mercy of any and all thoughts that came in to our minds. Then, I assumed, we were at the mercy of any and all feelings that would ensue!

I have a bumper sticker that reads, "Don't believe everything you think." I aspire to live that way, and to choose which thoughts I will entertain, and which I will ignore and replace.

So much great advice here, & Faron, Stinky, love your last two posts above! So true!!

"Don't believe everything you think."
If I had repeated that in really rough times, it would have done wonders. But I'm going to print it out now, because it's perfect! Thanks! :)