Hi Tisha, I don't think there is any problem having a wedding of 16 people that include only close family members and friends. This is your wedding and you can do what ever you want. If anyone has a problem with that, that is just tough. My first wedding had 12 people in it. Grandmothers, parents, brothers and sisters, and one good friend were the only people present at my first wedding. Aunts, uncles and cousins were not invited. Neither were any other of our friends. Sure, there were a few people who felt a little left out, but it was explained to them what we wanted and again if they didn't like it, that was too bad. I had an uncle in particular who was really put off, but then I just consider the source. My second wedding was also small and intimate. It was at the houses of my best friend. She had a big house. Another friend of mine married us. It included about 27 people. It also included a small reception. It was a little different though. We timed the wedding to correspond with having our honeymoon include a 75th birthday party of my wife's mother. So as not to burden my wife's family with having to make two trips (one to the family reunion and one to our wedding), we suggested that people not come out to our wedding and make it a 75th birthday party and wedding reception. Nobody who was not invited to the wedding made any comment at all about being left out. People understand that not everyone can be invited to an intimate wedding. The people at the wedding thought it was very nice. I have been to several small weddings. Some of the people had small weddings and a larger reception afterwards. I have been both invited to a wedding and reception afterwards and only invited to the reception afterwards. I never thought anything about it. I also never heard of anybody saying that it was weird. Again, some people will feel that it is their business to voice an opinion and that opinion may not be very pleasant. I believe that one cannot satisfy everyone. No matter how big your wedding is going to be, someone will feel left out. That's just the way it is. As far as invitations work. People invited to the wedding will get wedding invitations and an invitation to the reception. People invited to the reception only get an invitation to the reception. It would not be very kind to to use the same invitation and then say to some people that they were invited to the reception only. A separate invitation should be made for those people. That makes it a little more complicated but that is what I would do. Weddings are for the bride and groom. It is their day. Weddings are stressful enough. It should not be a day where everybody else determines what one should and should not do on their special day. I hope this helps, Larry

And you know what else it isn't about? The OP's relationship with his wife. Reading Chase's post about there being a tradition of the groom's mother and bride's father walking out together made me see this differently, even though I agree that no rule in the world is going to make a difference in this situation, and even though I still would give the OP the same advice. What made me think about this is the brief detour into discussing Jewish weddings, where all the parents escort and stand with the couple. Obviously, where there are remarriages and stepparents, this could get complicated. But people manage just fine, and the reason, I realized, is that they are participating as their children's parents, not as their current spouses' escorts. If both parents are alive, they participate as usual; if one is dead, the surviving parent does, sometimes with a stepparent, especially if that stepparent helped raise the child. Most people handle it graciously even where there are hard feelings between ex-spouses, because they both still are parents to their child, and new spouses understand that this isn't about them, it's about the parent-child relationship. It's the same thing here: the OP will be participating in the wedding as the bride's father, not as his wife's husband. We have no way of knowing if the bride would not have asked for exactly the same thing were the OP still happily married to her mom, whom she adored (and maybe she does indeed love her stepmother). Especially now that I know that in some weddings, this is even seen as traditional, I would not take it as symbolic of anything about the OP's marriage, much less a slap to anyone. After all, he is planning on walking down the aisle with his daughter, not his wife, for the processional -- and that doesn't seem to bother anyone (except maybe me, but that's a whole different story!) -- I mean, no one sees that as "ditching" his wife. His walking out with the groom's mother wouldn't be, either. I still think that this bride is kind of juvenile in her choices. But as I suggested earlier, the OP is being pretty self-centered himself if he thinks anyone is going to be focusing on him or his marriage. It's just not about him. If there really is a problem in this family about the OP's remarriage, the daughter's wedding is not the time, after 12 years, to be working it out.

I decided to redo this since the format got messed up on the above. What I’ve realized being a SM for over 16 years: • As a SM, you will never have a traditional marriage. • Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = Step hell. • Most people will see you literally as the second wife, meaning that BM gets to overrule you any time, any place, over anything. In the US, BM gets to overrule her ex- too. If bio-dad remarries, he is still seen as being owned by and an extension of BM/his -ex. He is incapable of independent thought and just a remarried old fool that BM (and SKs sometimes) still gets to play on. This is the imagine often portrayed in the media and what most people think. • There is very little genuine research that has been done on SPs, and even counselors will lap up unproven "givens" about SPs. For example, the so-called given that SMs hog all of dad's time and won't let him see the kids. For me, and I know for other SMs, since day one, I have nearly begged DH to do more with his kids, and he would definitely have an even lesser relationship with them if it wasn't for me. • More than likely you will get screwed at weddings and other similar family events. Since society sees you as the 2nd submissive wife, with BM in control, everyone will expect BM and DH to hang out together at family events. Yes, BM and DH are parents, but they are NOT a couple. Despite you and DH being married for 20 years, for example, whenever BM is around, pretty much everyone will think and treat BM and DH like a couple. Even after 20 years of marriage, if you try to take your place next to your husband, you will be accused of trying to usurp BM, and “how dare you!!” At these events, SM or step-dad is usually seen as an annoying object in the way, because everyone knows that BM and bio-dad are the REAL couple, despite that fact that their first impulse when laying eyes on each other may be to beat the living crap out of the other. • You will never get anywhere near the kudos you deserve for what you have done for DH’s family and how you have kept it and them all together throughout the years. As a matter of fact, you may even and probably will be punished for your good efforts. • AT the end of the day, try to put up with it the best you can until the SKs are adults, and then if the family still hasn’t figured out that you and DH are a couple and deserve to be treated like a couple 100% of the time, disengage from a family that expects you to continually pay the price for their divorce that happened XYZ years ago and that you had no part in. Just say NO whenever you feel No. Use NO wisely and use it well. You don’t have to go to events where you are treated little better than cattle fodder. The divine family can all hang out together and sort out their own family ills. Granted, they may not miss SM, but they will miss their scapegoat. • YOU on the other hand, love your DH, let him deal alone with the adult SKs (and SGKs) every chance you get, and enjoy yourself! You know you’re married to your DH, and your DH knows that he is married to you.

Is it normal? Certainly not typical. I can sort of understand where he's coming from, but I think he's very mistaken in his perceptions of how his Ex will feel. Unless relations are very friendly, the wedding is large, and the Ex needs to bring the children, I can't imagine how an Ex would expect to be invited. Would I be happy about it? No. But I would trust him to deal with is Ex, and would just request that he word the invitation in such a way as to give her the option of a graceful refusal if she thinks an invitation is as wacky as you (and I) do. There are ways of issuing invitations that could make it clear that the invitation was issued out of courtesy and grace only, and that the recipient isn't really expected to attend. Something along the lines of "We certainly wouldn't want to insult you, so you're welcome to attend if you'd like to be there, and we'll mail you an invitation. It'll be a very small wedding - only 20 people or so - but DD might be more comfortable if you were there." Would I try to talk him out of it? I'd try to talk him into reconsidering, and if he wants to invite her, into modifying his wording.