Been there, done that. In pre-school, I was asked if a girl could come to my house to play for a couple hours... Of course I said 'yes'. That couple hours turned into the next day, with no word from the parents. I was frantic. (I really didn't know the family outside of school.)

I didn't even know what to say to the child about her parent's tardiness but when questioned, I quickly understood this was usual for her. Our kids didn't like her much and she didn't seem to much like my kids. This mom was nice too. Just a flake. By the time they picked her up, I knew we were not a good fit.

The next time they asked if their daughter could come over to play, I was honest. "No. Our family doesn't work well with your lifestyle and your daughter doesn't work well with my kids. It's not a good fit." I watched her go through other families until we were all done. Then she left the school.

It's not your responsibility. Tell Grandma you don't have the time or energy to mentor anyone right now. Good luck.

The grandmother is desperate to help her grand daughter. You are not the appropriate person to help. So, just smile and keep saying, today is not a good day, thank's though. Then move on. She will get the message, eventually. If you say no to her and then someone comes up and asks for the same time, feel free to say yes. No worries for you. Make playdates with the children your son likes. It took me a while to learn this, but your friends are your friends and his friends are his friends. It makes it easier for you if they overlap, but they really don't have to.

If the kids don't get along, for whatever reasons, then they don't get along. It's perfectly okay to say something along the lines of, "The boys don't seem to be happy playing together, so I'd rather not do playdates for a while. Maybe in a year we can try again."

As for the grandmother with the daughter with problems, much though I feel for the poor grandmother, you do not have to mentor her daughter. And again, if the two kids didn't have a good time, what's the point of having a playdate? It sounds as if neither child is a good fit with your son, so just use that. "Timmy and Tommy spent more time crying and fussing than playing. I think right now, they're just not suited to playdates with each other. Let's take a break from the playdates for both their sakes."

You can't, unfortunately, do anything to get the mothers or grandmothers to stop asking. But if you give them the same answer every single time they ask, a) you get out of the playdates and b) there's always the hope that someday, they will get the message.

Igloo, I didn't understand your first paragraph at all. lol.

From what I can gather, the mom of the boy is a drug addict and her mother (grandmother) wants you to befriend her. Am I close?

So where is the addicted mother during these playdates and how did she come into the picture? And how did the mentoring come into play? Were you supposed to hang out with the boy's mom while they played?

Back to the two boys. I'd be honest and tell the grandmother the boys don't really get along and if she tries pushing it, stand your ground.

I think camlan gave you some great advice. It's polite and to the point and should do the trick!

tina

Excellent advice above!

Well done on everyone's ideas!

As for your question about people -- the honest answer is: NO, most people do NOT understand or CHOOSE not to understand a simple "No"!! Sigh. Believe me, I do know and have dealt with type of situation (people not listening) in many ways ....

Trust me -- you will have be VERY firm about your BUSY schedule -- and continue to repeat the phrase the camlan suggested. The old "Broken Record" approach ...

Obviously the grandmother is indeed hoping that you can/would/should mentor her troubled granddaughter. That is a HUGE assumption on her part ... and could become a very sticky situation .... so it is best to back off the whole thing ...

Oaky, yup you got it. I get a play date with the addict and ds gets to play with the kid. She literally asked me this the first time I ran into her at the market when the kids recognized each other. She thinks I would be a great example to the daughter and yet, heck I could be boozing daily....she does not know what my lifestyle really is like. As others mentioned, she's desperate, and honestly I feel for her situation (she has the kiddo most of the time because the mom isn't fit) but I don't want to bring the situation into my family.

On a totally side note, maybe that's half her problem. Do you really want a perfect stranger to mentor your children? All she knows is where I live (because we had a party for the school here) and what I drive (she comments on it too much). If those are the requirements for a mentor you are barking up the wrong example tree. Mentors should be people you know, inside and out. A decent car and house does not a good person make (ie OJ).

Cam your post was spot on. Thank you all really. I am starting to hate this so much I nearly run out of his school at pick up LOL. I'm a social butterfly and hermit heh heh. I enjoy my time with ds at home and must admit I hate the play date thing. I have to be in the mood and it's hard to get in the mood when you really don't care for the parent.

Goldie...OMG on your experience. Honestly, I'd probably have had the police involved after a few hours. How sad for that poor kid!

No additional advice because what you've received already is spot on. This is a long story about my son in early grade school but I think you may find it of interest.

My DS had a classmate who didn't quite fit the mold of the students from our town. His manners were lacking, his play was rougher, his entire demeanor was somehow 'coarse' even for an 8 year old. That may sound like harsh judgement, especially of a child, but the differences were obvious. The mother was the adult version of the son, with an added component of being pretty open about her pot use. Do what you want in your private time but if you make that part of your public persona, I don't want my young DS exposed at the tender age of 8. Yet the wild child continually asked my DS for play dates and the mom continually called to try and arrange things.

At that point in my life I didn't have the cajones to speak my mind so always hemmed and hawed my way out of the dates. My DS then started asking to have the wild child come to our house to play and I had to do the 'we're busy dance' with him, too. It continued for a long time until I finally told the truth to my DS, that I didn't think this boy was good friend material, that he kept getting in trouble at school and I didn't want his actions to be part of my DS's life. My DS did not miss a breath and responded by saying, "Don't you think I might be a good influence in HIS life?" I felt about 2" tall.

From then on, and with my supervision, the boys had periodic play dates. When the were old enough that a hovering mom was no longer appropriate, I decided to talk openly with the mom. She understood, respected my choices and we actually developed a peripheral friendship over the years. We'd take her son on camping trips or boating, she would take them to rock concerts that would have driven us nuts! When the boys entered high school their interests changed and they had only the very occasional contact. When my DS graduated a year early and went to college, contact fell off even more since the wild boy stayed in town after high school and started a series of minimum wage jobs.

And then a few years ago, the mom called with one of those calls you never want to get - her son was dead, killed in a car accident 1/2 mile from home. Alcohol was involved. My DS came home for the funeral and the mom thanked him for the friendship he had shared with her son who had always been more of an outcast than an integral part of any social group. We all attended the service and my DS & DH were asked to be the witnesses for the cremation - she couldn't do it and believed her son thought of us as family.

No real moral to this story, But you just never know....

dlm2000, how generous of you and what a sad outcome. I had my hands full with a wild child of my own. LOL!

As for the girl that spent the night without invitation- I was pretty new at the school but had the phone tree list and called other parents that knew her, expressing my concern. After I got the scoop (I was just her most recent victim), I didn't call the police. I just felt duped and vowed never again.

dlm-- wow. What an amazing story. Just beautiful.

No advice. I avoid playdates and socializing w most moms. Eventually I have to do work for them somehow and I have enough to do.

I am just getting into the whole realm of "playdates". My son is 7 and recently for the first time got asked to play at a schoolmates house. I knew and trusted the mom and he had a great time. Then not too long after, we had one of his friends over for hours one weekend at our place and it worked out so well. The kids had so much fun playing together that not once did they need me, other than for a snack, and I was able to get tons of work done around the house. I have come to realize that if you can find parents whose parenting style you trust and your kids get along, reciprocal play dates can be nice.
Personally I think the really difficult part comes not when the kids play at your house, but rather when someome whose parenting style you are not sure of wants your child to go there. Yikes I am hoping i can avoid that sticky situation.

Lol Jenny that's certainly the crux of the play date issue for me. We do have a couple of his friends who have been over for play dates and it's been great but we also really enjoy and trust the parents/grandparents of those kids so I would have no issue with taking ds to their home for a date.

Elm, I wasn't sure how to respond to your story but I will thank you for sharing it. I would imagine that when ds goes off to his next school next year we will develop more long term friendships and hopefully they will have positive effects on our son and the kids he wants to hang out with. The issue I have with the drug stiuation is a lot more than pot (which I really don't have too much of a problem with if it's not done around our child) but more that it's an ongoing serious issue, and that the grandma really does not want the play dates so much for the child as she does for the mother and I as If that will magically fix the problem. The kiddo is challenged, but that isn't such a big deal given we've hung with much more deeply challenged kids in hospital, but I don't want to be nagged to death to bring mom into my life. That might sound selfish, and maybe it is, but I'm ok with being selfish in this case. I would rather limit my mental resources to what I can handle and not overwhelm myself with someone elses issues which would only serve to make our family life difficult.