This may not be the right advice....you being gay....and perhaps him straight...
But give him a hug....
There are not many who don't respond to the human touch.....just go over and give him a hug....and say...I am here for you...as I hope you would be for me. I don't know what you are feeling because I haven't been there....but perhaps someday I will be.
Is tehre anything I can do for you? Can I make you a meal? Are there any errands you need to have done? Anyone you need to have picked up at the airport?
I know you are hurting and I want to help."
then see what he says....
Linda C

Kev was me, 11 months ago.

Linda is right, give him a hug. Gay or not, I don't think it matters. Also, he may not know how or what to ask for.

Send him a dinner, stop in and talk, or just sit. Share a beer or wine. Offer to run an errand or sit with Mom if you can while he gets out, even for 15 minutes of fresh outdoor air. Run the vaccuum for him, or walk his dog if he has one. Do a load of laundry. Ask him about Mom, what he loved best and what he hated. If he cries, you be strong and let him get it out.

If he has hospice care, include them in meals or treats. They deserve the best, as they are angels.

And if you see his mom, talk to her, for she can still hear you. She may need to know that Kev has freinds and will not be alone. Both Kev and his mom are on a journey.

Bobby, you have a good heart, so use it. If you are not sure about soing something, just ask him. Losing your mom is not for the faint of heart.

And most of all, tell him he is a good son to help mom now.

Hugs to both of you, and a wish for an easy passing to his mom.

Peppi

Thanks ladies. I guess I did leave out a couple details. He is single/gay as well... Typically, we do a quick embrace as a greating or salutation when we have a visit... but I think a lingering hug would be more appropriate considering the circumstances. The only other family he has is a brother who he's not close with because his brother his a selfish prick who wants mom to die so he gets what's in the will.... according to Kev.

I DID do the marketing for him Monday because he doesn't want to leave his mom for one second and they both needed some things (like a bed pan, they are impossible to find!).... Hospice is starting next week, so that should help him quite a bit. They helped when my grandfather had a brain tumor.

I thought about cooking for him, but he really isn't eating. He's too upset. Maybe I will anyway, and if he doesn't eat it I will not be offended.

Should I send or bring flowers? Is that appropriate? Would I do it "before" or "after"? He's going to fly the body back to Mass. for the service, so I coudn't do it after.

Food right now....not flowers...yet.
He may not want to eat....but we need to eat to live.
And you know me....I feed everything "You hurting? have a cookie, you happy, here's some soup...you bored? Come have dinner..."
You know as well as I do..."cooking is love".
So whether or not he wants to eat what you cook....it will help you to cook it.
Andw ho knows....he and hius mother and other caretakers in the home may find comfort in what you take.

Well, I brought over a tupperware of homemade chicken soup. He said he hasn't been eating very well because all his time is devoted to her. I certainly haven't run out of things to do... shampooing his carpet, taking his brother to the train station, going to the store... I'm glad to be able to help out, but it's really tough to see his mom the way she is right now. Hospice brought the hospital bed over and she sleeps all day. She's on oxygen... she barely talks anymore. He wanted to try to make some food that he could feed her... the pills have to be crushed up and put in food now because she can't chew. I brought my food processor over so he could try to make "homemade" baby food.

It's just hard to know what to do after she dies... I wonder if I should give him space or spend even more time with him.

You're a good friend. Everyone should have a friend as good as you are to Kev.

Don't worry about what to do after she dies There will be time enough for that, and in your shoes, I'd just continue to offer the same help that you've been doing already. He'll let you know if he needs to talk or if he needs more company. But don't feel rejected if he doesn't want more company, especially at first. Just let him know that you are there, and follow his cues.

It sounds like he might have to go back to Boston maybe for a funeral and to take care of the house and her estate. I recall when my Mother died three years ago, my husband and I loaded up her small apartment's contents, moved it all into our living room, and I spent months sorting thru things and shipping off boxes to my brothers (who couldn't bother themselves with being here for her, but that's another story.) I could have used someone to help me pack or take boxes to FedEx, or just take me out to lunch or a movie when I was exhausted and sick of being at home, working on the leftover items of my mother's life. I was fortunate enough to have several friends help, too.

I'm with Linda, feed everything that ails someone. Soup is lovely, don't forget other meals, like some muffins for breakfast and nibbling, or a frozen casserole to be popped in the oven, fruit already cut up that can be kept in the fridge, no preparation necessary. You follow your instincts.

Hugs to you all.

The direct approach is best I guess.. Just tell the guy to ask you if he needs anything to call you for sure.
Careful on the hugs... I'm definitely not a huggy person nor is anyone in my family. We all recoil from them and find it very very uncomfortable. Honest..

Had a laugh about that this past summer when a BBQ was being held in moms backyard.. Me, sisters, BIL's and my nephews new GF who is now his wife. When I was getting ready to leave and drive my elderly aunt home this new GF jumped up and proceeded to give me and then aunty hugs. We survived.. but once in the car my aunt commented she doesn't understand all this hugginess and then we had a good laugh.

You already said it Bobby - "I don't want to bother him or get in the way while he's spending the last few moments on his mother's life with her, but I still want him to know that I care about both of them" - tell him exactly that. Or,write it in a card. Just be yourself, be available to him, let him know you are available.

You're such a good person Bobby I wish we lived even closer to each other; you'd be a great neighbor to have.

Sending prayers for a safe journey for Kev's mother.

Sounds like you're doing pretty well, Bobby, and have gotten some good advice already. One thing occurs to me, be willing to talk about his Mom. Often when a grieving person just wants to talk about the loved one they are about to lose/have lost, we feel uncomfortable and don't give them that opportunity. It's hard but something the grieving find comforting.

I think whatever a person is going through with regards to grief, is very personal and will be different for each person. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to be. The most important thing is to be PRESENT, help in whatever way you can, offer whatever support you can, but realize you can't fix it. Life sucks sometimes and you just have to ride it out with him if you can. Just be present and don't be afraid of grief. It's part of life.

I don't post much here (but I do read alot!) and am not as familiar with you all but thought I'd add my two cents. I lost my mom a few years ago and here's what I learned from being a primary caregiver.

When you are the caregiver, you feel very awkward asking for things. You start to feel like you're placing a burden on others, no matter how many times people say "Call me if you need anything". So, keep on making soup, dropping in for visits and generally continue to be a good friend. Just being there is important and in the long run, will mean more than anything.

I'd say you're doing the right things already by not pulling a disappearing act just because it's a sad/uncomfortable situation. Like Shaun said, just be yourself. It's ok to say "I don't know what to say, but I want to help."

Someone said above that people often feel awkward asking for help. Sometimes you can alleviate that by changing how you ask from "Let me know if there's anything I can do" to "I know you want to spend as much time with your mother as you can. What can I do for you that will allow you to spend more time with her?" When I volunteered with Hospice, I would make specific offers such as "I'm going to the post office and grocery tomorrow. Can I drop off/pick up anything for you?"

Soup is good. Not only can it be reheated quickly in small amounts, but most people equate it with comfort food.

Trying to get his mother to eat is a whole other issue. There comes a point in the process of dying where the body no longer needs, wants, or can physically handle food. This is hard for family to understand because we so often equate food with caring and the person's refusal or inability to eat feels like rejection or negligence. Hospice will be able to help him understand when his mother is at that point.

You're doing fine. Just being there for him as much as you obviously have been is a wonderful thing. Soup, errands, a listening ear, honest sympathy -- all are excellent suggestions.

My DH and I cared for my dad, age 92, in our home on hospice the last couple of months of his life. Although it was certainly difficult and heart-rending, it was also a rich, joy-filled time for both of us as we re-connected on a deep level.

Two things stand out in my memory as things I particularly appreciated. One was for someone to sit with Dad for an hour, so I could get out. As much as I appreciated being with my dad, it was refreshing and good for me to meet a friend for coffee, or go to the library. My life for those weeks was distilled down to taking care of Dad, and it was good to feel, briefly, a part of the outside world. You might see if your friend would like that.

Also, my DD and DSIL arranged for a cleaning service for a few weeks. They just came once every two weeks, but it was a Godsend, because Dad had visitors every day. All I had to do was keep the public areas picked up, and underneath, I knew everything was clean. It was a wonderful gift.

Blessings to you as you care for your friend, and for him as he cares for his mother.

Arlene

Just wanted to give the final update. Kev's mom had been asleep for about two weeks... alive, but barely.. just sleeping. She passed yesterday at noon. Kev was upset because he called Hopsice at noon and the body wasn't removed until half passed five! I was at work when it happened, but when I got out, he said he needed to get out of his apartment and get some fresh air. So, he came over. He didn't cry at all, he seemed more tired than anything. He seemed to be handling it better than I expected, but maybe he was still in shock, or trying to be strong in front of me. I gave him a big bowl of hearty potato soup (with bacon, cheddar, chives, sour cream, very much comfort food)... he said he hadn't eaten all day! We talked about what a good person she was. He told me how upset he was with the entire Hospice experience. I just listened, didn't have to talk much at all. Which was good, because there isn't really anything that can be said in this situation. He likes pets and doesn't have one of his own (though he talked about looking into it last night)... so my cat Jasper gave him some extra special attention and loving. Like he knew "something" happened! I think animals can help in a way that people can't. He fell asleep on my armchair and I cleaned the kithen and ironed work shirts until he woke up. Then he went home to go to sleep... this will will be busy flying to Mass. clearing the house, arranging the service, settling the will. I don't envy him.

We were shocked that it happened so soon, even though it was expected... He is regretting having had the radiation done because it was after that that she lost all of her energy and became a vegetable. Just wanted to say thanks to all the people here who responded to help get me though the caring for the caretaker. Now I can go back to being a supportive friend, which is needed now more than ever.

It's rough.....but I know how he felt....the inevitablew as facing him....and finally it was over!
I believe part of his anger with Hospice is his own anger about not being able to do anything...well I know the helpless feeling.
As for waiting all that time for the body to be removed???? Why didn't he call the funeral home ior crematorium or medical examiner himself?
Linda C

Bobby I'm going to come cry on your shoulder when I need a friend. You would be exactly what is needed. Just hold the bacon out of the soup, OK?

You can cry on mine too. Heck the whole forum is here. Sounds like Kevin is lucky to have you as a buddy.

You are a wonderful friend.

Now I want some of that soup...

Bobby, you are a good friend. Later on your buddy may need some more support. I know after my mom passed away nobody came around after the fact and I could have really used some support. I know there is nothing anyone could say that would have made anything right, but people are afraid of saying the wrong thing and some support would have been welcomed. My mom was buried three years ago today, and although I never will 'get over it' the pain lessens a bit over time. My point is..stay supportive of your friend through the next months and even years if you are so inclined.

Duane

Bobby, I don't know how I missed this thread! Your friend must be so glad to have you to lean on.

Be sure to ask about plans for the funeral and offer to drive and help. My mom passed away last spring and it isn't easy. I think if you just keep up offers of meals and bottles of wine, a cup of coffee now and then, your friend will feel blessed to have you in his life...... everyone needs a good friend!

Grace

I agree, be sure to ask about the funeral. It will be difficult for your friend and he'll be exhausted after it.

As has been mentioned, just offer a meal, a glass of wine, or just some company. I'm one of those very odd people who didn't want company or help or coffee after Dad died in August, I just stayed very busy doing everything that needed to be done. I appreciated just being able to sit down at night by myself and open my email and find a couple of messages from people who were checking on me. I didn't "need" anything, but it just felt better to know that my friends were there for me. That's the only thing I needed, to know my friends were thinking of me.

My stepmom, on the other hand, needed a lot of attention, constant companay, lots of phone calls "checking in". Everyone is different and your friend will let you know what he needs. You've already proven yourself to be a reliable friend and that's probably what he needs most.

Annie

I can't drive or help with or even attend the funeral because it's in Boston and we live in FL... I have to work!

Thanks guys... I will continue to be there for him. Linda, I think he was under the impression that if he was using Hospice, they had to take care of everything.

My sympathies to you and your friend. It is not easy watching someone pass through the stages of their final time with us.

If you use Hospice, they take responsibility for everything until the person passes. They are responsible for removing the deceased as well.

Bobby, a big hug to Kev and to you for being there for him.

One year ago today, Mom left me and Dad. Kev is stunned right now and tired. Oh so very tired. And yes, hospice did fail at the end, for they should ahve taken care of the his Moms remains.

your kitty done good!

Bobby I'm sorry for your friends loss. I know you'll be there for him in any capacity that he needs you. Sometimes just a touch is the best thing for someone who is hurting from a loss. You'll know what to do, your a good man and a good friend, your instincts will be right you're a very caring person. Peace to your friend at this awfully hard time. My sinceres condolences to Kevin and his family.

Having been in Kev's position once, I think it would help him if you acknowledge, after he returns, how much he did for his mother & how well he did it. Many of us have guilt problems after a parent dies, & question ourselves. It would help to hear from others that he did the right & honorable things.

Another thing that will help is to mention his mother occasionally; sometimes, once a person is gone, they are not brought up in conversation to avoid bringing on sadness. But, it's comforting to remember someone with another who knew that person.

Bobby, you are a great friend. I wish all of us had a you in our lives.

Kathleen

You're a great friend Bobby. If ever I need a shoulder, I'm calling you. And I love bacon in my potato soup. Gimme Jessy's.

Oh Bobby you are truly a good man and a great friend.

Funny after a loved one finally passes it's somehow not as hard as it was watching them in their last days. At least that was the way it was for me. He may be "just fine" for awhile but there comes a time when he may crash. Just let him know you care for him , that's all you can do.