Of course it put a strain in our relationship. But, we had agreed prior to making this decision that it was going to be a very bumpy road. We've never had a fight, or raised our voice at each other, and this was no reason to change that. Yes, it got a lot better after we moved in, but it's not over. We still have to make one more trip (rental Penske and all) in order to bring the rest of the stuff. The problem now is that we have way too much furniture and things to fit in this "downsized" house. But, DW wants to have EVERYTHING here, and THEN decide what to keep and what to let go.
We try not to become slaves to the house project by doing other things, like today we drove up to Canyon Lake and went hiking. Then, we drove down to Gruene to attend their Market Days gathering. We ate at the ole Gristmill River Restaurant, it was very pleasant. Tonight, we're baking a cobbler (goes good with Haagen Dazs), and we're watching the NASCAR races.
Building a house is serious business, but just don't take it TOO seriously.

Willie, Yum, cobbler!! Warm, where the ice cream gets all melty. Mmmm. My dearly departed grandma made the best, enjoy it!

mcassel, Think of it as a rollercoaster, which it is. Up the hills I'm nervous, with a pit in my stomach and sweating bullets. Down the hills it is such an adrenaline rush, I love it. That has been the last year and three months for me. I have to say that we haven't had words over the house at all. We have a pretty good give and take in real life (when not building), and we have automatically adopted that attitude while building. That's not to say we haven't disagreed, but it is usually over money. I don't want to spend any more of it;-) Regardless of our feelings privately, we always present a united front.

Now, that's not to say it has been a smooth road the entire time with our builder and his minions. But that too seems to have settled down.

Take a deep breath and follow willie's advice. Step away from the house occasionally, and nobody gets hurt....

Good luck,

Amy

mcassel,

I'm really sorry to hear of your troubles. In a perfect world building would be well...perfect. And what are the chances of that!!! But, it doesn't mean it should be something out of a horror movie either.
I just posted that I was having to take deeeep breaths for something DH didn't do that is now causing a minor problem. But, as far as being at each others throats, we just aren't having that kind of build. First, we have a basic understanding of what each of us likes. In the beginning that allowed for me to make some decisions while he decided other things. Then we would come back to one another for final acceptance or refusal of our choices. What that did for us was immediately cut the stress levels by half. And, it didn't matter what part of the house we were working on, he did my kitchen cabinet color, I did the plumbing fixtures. He did exterior lighting in the front of the house, I chose the fans on the back porch. He chose the carpet and I chose what the bannister would look like. But we always came back to each other for the other's right of refusal. By the time we got to interior paint and wood flooring we were having fun "together" laying stuff out and planning.
I hope something like this might work for you too.

After four plus years of building, we're staying together for the sake of the house.

When it's done, we'll see...

lorrianeal,

You're so Funnnny! you make me laugh!

So who gets the wee ones? You know the "small" rooms?

:)

Heface=times new roman color=black size=4> can have the house...

I'll be happy to settle for the 3000 sq ft of garage space with the guest suite above. Just as long as get to keep all the 'toys', too.

(Lord, I can't wait for this house to be done. I miss my motorcycle.)

After being a GC for years, I've seen a lot of relationships go bad over building and remodeling. A house is ONLY an object, nothing more. People put so much into it that it scares me. Would you divorce your spouse over a car? A camera? A favorite cooking pan? It's an object, nothing more. Relationships are far more important than any object.

I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with building homes and relationships, but c'mon; divorce and anger over paint colors? That relationship needs help.

mcassel I'm sorry your project is turning out to be so stressful. One thing DH & I are doing that really seems to help with the stress loads is to clearly divide the workload between us.

I have very set things that are my responsibility (basically, I was responsible for "picking" out everything, narrowing down choices for his approval as well, then ordering my materials when advised by DH that we were ready. Oh yeah, and all facets of our bank construction mortgage). DH is responsible for the building of our house, right from initial sub-trade quotations, awarding of contracts, administration on-site, and payment. I even volunteer to make phone calls for him where I can.

By doing it this way, we each have our set responsibilities and the project doesn't seem as overwhelming. It also ensures that each of us is aware that we are equally pulling our weight so one doesn't feel they are doing "more" than the other.

I don't know if this would help you, but it sure is working for us "most" days lol.

Lora

DH and I have worked together in two different jobs and have run businesses together, we retired together, and have been remodeling homes together for the last 12 years. Being together 24/7 is normal for us. Building or remodeling can be stressful but the problems pull us together, not apart!

Of course we disagree sometimes, after all we are two fairly strong minded individuals, but we have a lot in common and a great deal of respect for each other's abilities and wishes. I think it works because we understand that we both have the same ultimate goal - to create the best home for us that we can......we simply have to figure out how to achieve it. I can't say that the sun never sets on a disagreement but the sun never rises on one - we always work it out. We laugh a lot too. That helps!

Our problem hasn't been about making selections but rather, how to deal with people. I'm fairly easygoing and DH is, well, NOT. I get upset when I think he's being to harsh with the builder and he gets upset when he thinks I'm being a pushover. In the end, we never go to bed angry and we always have an, "I love you" for each other several times a day.

Still, I can't wait for this project to be over!

really strong relationships will survive no problem
fairly strong will survive and become stronger
weak ones will fall apart slowly over the duration
really weak ones will crumble hopelessly

mcassel: I can relate and we're just in the DESIGN phase. But it's much, much better once I adjusted my own attitude. You know, "Be the change you want to see in the world" and all that. Because, truly, the only one you can change is you. Not him.

So, what I did that dramatically turned around a very tense relationship was a few things:

1- I decided to get over my martyred attitude. It is true that I'm doing most of the work. There are good reasons for that. But I realized that I hate the martyred attitude when it comes my way from someone else. So, I keep reminding myself it will only bring bad things back to me.

2- I initiated a heart-to-heart talk, after checking my own heart to see that it was really true. I said "You are more important to me than this house. I know I get caught up in all the details, but truly they are secondary." Then I shut up. And watched his whole body relax. I think he'd gotten the message that the house came first.

3- I told him I wanted him to be happy with the house and asked him what was most important about it and what was least important. We sat there together and I wrote down his list and then made my own. We looked at them together and developed a division of labor consistent with those values (respecting the fact that I have more time available for it and that it's just overall more important to me, so I'm willing to work harder.) He's spent a lot of time he didn't think he had researching mechanical systems and things that matter to him. I've deferred to him there. Mostly, he feels more involved with the house now. His woodworking shed and his office are totally his. Sometimes he'll ask if he can do this-or-that in one of those areas. I say "It's yours to do with as you wish." Amazing the power of that.

4- I've taken responsibility for monitoring my own levels of anxiety and fatigue. Whatever you do for that, do it. Do it BIG time. Because you can't exist in overdrive day after day; it's physically impossible, no matter how much you want to.

It's something you will have to deal with throughout the build. Any mismatch in your personalities or styles and any existing conflict in your relationship will only be magnified by any project of this size. (They say couples should never wallpaper together and look at what all you're doing!) Oh--and I finally figured out the biggest thing for my own attitude, which was much like yours. I gave up the mistaken notion that this SHOULD be fun. Maybe some of it will be. But most of it won't be--it'll be hard work, stressful. Who told you building an entire house SHOULD be fun. I never wanted to build a house; I just wanted to live in the perfect house that some magic prince created exactly like I wanted it. Now, what's fun is fun. What's not is not. I try to take it on its own terms, like the rest of life. I'm breathing better and it's reflected back to me from DH.

Sorry for the long post, but I wanted to be specific. Good luck to all of us who build, especially in imperfect marriages. (I have no intention of fighting over who gets the house!!!)

Did building your home put a strain on your relationship with your DH or DW?

Not really. We always viewed it as a team effort, the goal of which was to give both of us what we truly needed, and to as much as possible what we both wanted. We spent a fair bit of time before starting to build, discussing exactly what it was that we needed. And those were not "brand XYZ sink" kinds of things, but "an away space of my own", "a place to do woodworking", etc.

It may help that we'd worked together on the job for several years before tackling building the house. We approached house-building with some of the same emotional tools. We figured out who enjoyed (or least hated :) aspects of the task, and let that person drive it. For example, I really, really enjoyed researching options for all aspects of the build. DW didn't. So, I would gather what I thought were reasonable alternatives, and ask her if she felt strongly for or against any of them. I never felt "put upon" to do this; if anything, I often felt guilty that I was "getting to do it" -- but she was happy with the way it worked, as I was.

We also know how to listen to each other. If anything, we were both more likely to push hard for the other's wishes than for our own. Neither of felt like the other was "getting more". I so often hear that kind of thing expressed in forums like this: "Well, if he gets X, then I darn well can get Y." We were more likely to say, "Hey, I'm getting Y. You should get X if you want it!"

And, it didn't hurt that we kept a sense of perspective. When all is said and done, it's just a house. I would be happier living with my DW anywhere, than I would living in this house without her. Nor would I be happy living here if she was unhappy here.

--Steve

My husband has the benefit of having built a house before. I do not. He was in a previous relationship during his first build and his partner did not participate. We talked about that before we started because he only wanted to go ahead if it was something we could do together.

Now we are just starting actually building and we've had a few incidences where we've been tense but nothing serious. Mainly we've decided what are the important areas for each of us and each of us make the decisions that mean the most to us. It seems to work.

Of course it puts a strain on your relationship. DH and I divided up responsibilities and did not interfere with each other's areas of responsibility unless asked--unless one of us picked something that the other absolutely positively could not live with. I look at things in our house that aren't my first choice, but I know that they were my DH's first choice so I live with them and I'm sure he does that same for my choices. I think you get into the most trouble if one spouse insists on having everything his/her way--you have to compromise because if you can't, based upon other couple's I know who have built, you may end up choosing between some feature or your marriage without realizing that that was the choice you were making. I love our house and so does my DH and I think it is important that you end up with a house that you both love. But both spouses need to be willing to talk about what they want and if one is fighting without expressing the real reason for the fight--money, etc., then I don't know what you do. Or if one spouse is not talking because every time he/she starts to say what he/she wants or what he/she doesn't want/like about the house and the other spouse doesn't let him/her finish or else gets emotional so the other spouse can't finish, then that's a big problem. I hope that things get better for you and good luck.

The build certainly does cause tension, but I also think it's strengthening our marriage. We will celebrate our second anniversary in three weeks and having to make all of the house decisions and adapt to changes and figure out problems together has been eye-opening in our young relationship. It has forced us to figure out how best to communicate with one another.

We tried to go into this with eyes wide open. We read some book before the build began (something like, "What you need to know about building a house that the pros won't tell you"), and it had a chapter or page or paragraph about the stress it causes on a marriage. The book said a couple needs to designate one contact person for the builder and subs to talk to, and that the couple must have a united voice to the builder and contractor (no arguing or questioning the other's opinions in front of builder and subs). We've tried hard to follow that (except that DH designated himself as the point person and relinquished it two weeks into the build when he realized how time consuming that role is). We've also tried to divide certain decisions and we're very good about only being passionate about decisions that we really care about. For example, DH wanted the third bedroom upstairs to be designated as the "ManRoom" and wanted a pool table in there. I wanted it to be a "ManRoom" that was adaptable into a guest room when necessary. The pool table required taking the closet out of the room to expand the space. I was adament about not losing the "bedroom" designation when it came time to resell. But, DH finally said, "This is really important to me and I'm going to enjoy this entire house so much more having a space to entertain my friends, students, colleagues, and I grew up with pool tables at my house, my grandparents' house, and I want to continue the billard tournaments that marked most holidays growing up." Once he put it into perspective, how could I care about whether we could call the room a bedroom in the hypothetical future when we sell the house? He also agreed to hire a contractor to build the closet back into the space when it came time to resell.

The big sticking point for us was the master bathroom. We had diametrically opposed visions for that space. I would bring tile samples home from the tile store only to be vetoed by him. He finally visited the tile store with me, which only confirmed we had very different ideas. So, we hired a designer, whom I told upfront, "I need you to mediate a design decision like the HGTV show Designing for the Sexes." He walked thru the whole house with us as we talked about what we loved about each room and how we planned to use each space. Then, we ended in the master bath. I had pictures of my vision and of DH's vision, and the designer came up with something very different that incorporated what I wanted most and what DH wanted most in the room. The tiling hasn't started in that room yet, but I'm confident we'll both like the design. And, his design is less expensive than either of our ideas!

So, what's worked for us is (1) to maintain a united front to the builder and subs; (2) to recognize what's really important to the other person and assign responsibility accordingly; and (3) recognize that we need help at roadblocks. Also, we took away all right to complain or question the others' decisions where responsibility has been assigned and a decision made. For example, when the windows were installed, DH questioned why we have windows that open (long story to explain that question). I glared and simply said, "You didn't want any part of the window decision." He smiled sheepishly, kissed me on the cheek and said, "I love the windows."

Some very thoughtful posts and insights here (esp bjatlanta and soonermagic)

Before I retired DH and I had worked together, so we understoond each other's thought/work process. Because I'm retired, most of the legwork and interfacing with the builder fell into my lap. We thought of ourselves as a team. When we had differences of opinion, I reminded myself that my marriage was more important than the house.

Yes, it was stressful at times. At other times it was thrilling. Overall, I think it made us closer.

It has been stressful at times to be sure but not really on our marriage. Soonermagic put it best "..we took away all right to complain or question the others' decisions where responsibility has been assigned and a decision made." That is pretty much how we do it. Actually, it is pretty much how we split our lives. Works well. Remember, too, that no relationship ever is 50/50. Hopefully it will average out to that over time but may never be perceived that way.

I can't thank you enough for your responses. I feel a little overwhelmed by this out-pour of advise and am very grateful... thank you.

A little more info about us. We have been together for just under six years but have been best friends for closer to 10 years. In all that time we maybe argued once a year all of our other disagreements lasted minutes cause they where really silly... Before this project we where as happy as could be.

I have taken the lead on building/designing the house and essentially bring three options to the table for us to discuss. Now this may seem not fair but our tastes are so similar that we normally pick the same items. The house we have had designed is perfect. We both love the design, my partner has an art studio which was a must have and we have changed our living room layout to be more Home Theater friendly so I can have my HT... Besides that decision we agree on everything for the house from room size, layout, plumbing fixtures, cabinets flooring etc. We had no problems through out the "design" phase... And we both have the house we have dreamed about for years...

Our relationship started to go down hill only a few months ago when the added stress of construction hit us... Normally my stress level is very low and I am able to help with my partners stress, which is great due to a confrontional and conflict filled work place. But I don't have the energy to be there to help out and the little arguments that used to last a few mins now turn into whole weekend long fights... For example: Yesterday we went over the the house to layout our furniture in the house with duct-tape so we could try an figure out if we needed any new pieces and how the space would feel... But we got into fight over how to find the center of the room, stupid I know... But we both were getting so stressed that I had to stop and come home... later yesterday I tried to approach my partner to talk about what happened (I am the one who likes/needs to talk about a problem)... I started by talking about the additional stress we where both under trying to make a good no-blame conversation but I was met with a "you do this and that and always have" and I had to walk away saying something like "Great conversation, great." I then went to a friend's house and played Nintendo Wii till 3am.

i can understand how some couples could be really stressed over the process. i'm one of the lucky ones. my dh and i have the exact same tastes and priorities. his selections and choices have been fantastic to me, as well as mine seem to him-----whew! we also work as a team---
(i DID make sure we got a freezer big enough to put him in, though! LOL!!!!!)

My DH and I are lucky to have a very competent builder, general contractor who takes care of EVERYTHING!! All we have had to do is pick out things we want he does it all. It has been a bit stressful and times, but we are in this together like others have said, seems to have brought us closer together. After all, in the end its just a house. We try not to get caught up in all the "material" things..those things just aren't as important as our relationship and other things that really matter.

Mcassel,
Thanks for a little more insight into how your relationship works with your partner and what's been happening since the beginning of your build. I wish we could help but fighting over how to find the exact center of the room is an example that there may be other serious issues at hand. Things we here on the forum have no right to try and fix for you.
You registered here about 3 months ago. And, in that time you should have seen what I consider the "GOLDEN Words of Wisdom to Live By" on this forum numerous times...

CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES....and drop all the other "carp" that really doesn't matter if you hope to be around for the long run.

This year we will celebrate 20 years together. When it came to building the house DH wanted to GC and I wanted to hire someone to build it. One of the main things I was concerned with was how we would handle making decisions and disagreements. We had many deep discussions on my concerns before I agreed to building the house.

When it comes to making decisions DH is much quicker. I'm much slower needing time to consider the options and how they will effect other things (I am much more detail-oriented). So when DH makes a suggestion I let him know that I need to think it over. And he knows now that if I don't immediately agree it's because I need time to think it over.

We are both very independent and use to making decisions on our own. Building a house meant that we had to agree that we would make all decisions together. This was a change for both of us and it's been a good change that has carried over to other things besides the house.

Building a house is often about compromise. Sometimes the decision is based on who it is more important too. I am more of a creative problem solver than DH. Many times I think "outside of the box" to try to come up with a solution that offers both of us something that we want.

I visualize more in 3D than DH does. Often drawing an illustration or using my home-building software to show a 3D picture helps DH to understand better what I'm suggesting.

We each have areas that we are better in. DH is great at landscaping and I've given him full reign to do whatever he likes. He's a hands-on builder and perfectionist. I'm better at research and finances and have also handled most of the subs. DH ever defers to me as "the boss" when we have subs. For us it really helped to divide up the things that needed to be done.

Some of the disagreements are because I'm the one handling the finances and have to say "no we can't afford it". DH sometimes takes this as "I don't want to do it" rather than "we can't afford to do it". I have to let DH know that I don't like being the one to say no.

I am by nature much more easy-going than my DH and I am less likely to give voice to something bothering me. DH by nature changes moods as the wind blows (worse as he gottens older so I'm thinking it's male menopause). If he runs into a problem you'll hear about it! The problem becomes not about the house but his attitude. When he gets in a mood he's uses a not very nice tone of voice and has a sharp-tongue. This IS his personality and was before we started building the house. It was also one of my main concerns that I expressed to him. He has made an effort here and there is improvement.

I knew going into building our home we would not agree on everything. We were both surprised by how much we did agree on! We discussed how we would handle making decisions and disagreements before we started and it's really helped us. We had a good relationship before we started building the house but I think it's made our relationship even better!

We haven't broken ground yet for various reasons, but finally yesterday we got the driveway started--whoo hoo!!(And I had just posted yesterday that we hadn't done that and low and behold the excavator showed up--he was only supposed to start in MARCH!!,(ugh--from both DH and I!). I think what our arguments will be about will be the bottom line or the $$$ not the actual house if that makes sense. We have the same taste and frankly, my husband could care less about colors, knob styles or moldings. He just wants to get to know quickly an easy path from the garage, to the kitchen, to the sofa, to the bathroom, back to the kitchen and finally to the bed LOL! We've already had some, ah..."issues", on what to cut off of the house to save money. I want to put money into things that I don't think we will ever replace in our lifetime, such as the exterior, front entry doors, windows, etc. Hubby wants more interior gadgets. Both of our eyes tend to be bigger than the wallet. Compromising stinks when you really had your heart set on something, but in the end, you do what is right/mature. This house is bittersweet for all of us anyway, because we are moving closer to DH's job and away from family and friends. We have to stick togther on this one, 'cause we will be starting over and we will need each other to get through the changes moving will bring, esp. for the kids.

I'm trying, so is he and that is all we can ask for. We've got a long way to go in this build, but we have been through a heck of a lot worse in our lives. There will be arguments, tears and laughter. I/we will learn how to breathe,(thanks for teaching me that one early Allison LOL!), but just like our relationship, it's a wonderful journey. I consider this one of those good problems to have. We're human, not perfect and it is just a house. But I'm not giving up my stone...LOL!;)

mcassel: did you ever know a couple where the husband started feeling ignored when a new baby was born? Your DH is in that position now. You were the comforter, the nurturer, helping him to deal with all his workplace stress. And now your energy is, of necessity, going to the "new baby." He's hurt and frustrated, but can't just whine. After all, he's a grown up and understands the new baby's needs. So, he gets irritable and angry and blames it on YOU.

You have been carrying your own load and his as well, as his counselor/mother. It's a role you are good at and enjoy. But now you suddenly want him to provide you some of that nurturance, or at least carry his own weight. What you're describing isn't silly little fighting that doesn't end. It's a relationship that has worked one way for ten years and now you need/want a fundamental change in its terms. That's not going to happen without a lot of work. It might just be easier for you to suck it up, be polite for the duration of the build, and then return to the roles you've both been enjoying all this time. Oh, and never have a child or take on this big a project again. And do find a source of emotional support from a someone that's capable of providing it.

Why should you have to do all this? You shouldn't, but it's the role you have in your marriage and possibly the only one you can have with your husband. On the other hand, if you want an equal partner in life, and anticipate times you might actually need it, then you could try for that. You can wait till after the build is over, and get some professional help with exploring a change. Or, you could start that now, if you're both up for it. You might find out that he has more to give than you think. Or not. You really do have a lot of choices, but just not all the ones you might want.

Since we are just starting to design a new home to build, I can't comment on what is yet to come. However, having lived through 2/3 of this house being remodelled about 12 years ago, I can say it did put a strain on our relationship. Living in a home with no kitchen for 4 months and all the dust was trying, at best. HOWEVER,

What really made it harder were the following: First night they tore off our roof we had a major rainstorm. The tarp blew off and leaked into the bedroom we were sleeping in. It was like a river running all the way down to the basement. We grabbed every bucket, box and towel in the house to try to stem the rain. The wallboard ceiling was ruined, so was the wood floor in a room that was not even being remodelled. I remember evenings in our basement typing reports for work while swatting away the mosquitoes. We had set up a kitchen in the basement, but with all the dust and changes we ended up eating out all the time at a local grocery store. They got to know our entire family!

Then our 11 year old indoor (declawed) cat decided she had had enough and took off through an open garage door that was left open.. of course all the walls were down to the studs. We never did find her. Then our dog went absolutely nuts. He decided to tear down his dog house board by board when they tore off the back of our house. I came home and the workmen were eating lunch and watching him shred it to pieces. I guess he was so disturbed that he couldn't see the house that it made him nuts. He also was freaked out by the power drills. During another rainstorm several days later, I had to lock him in bedroom that wasn't being remodelled while I left for work. Of course, I got a call from the builder as the dog decided to dismantle my bedroom. He ripped off door frame while trying to get out all the way up, then tore all our clothes off the hangers in the closet.. shredding an expensive gown before trying to chew right through the wallboard in the closet. I know .. stupid move on my part to leave him there- this dog was not happy in a crate unfortunately!) The workmen moved him and tied him in my master bedroom that was being redone where he proceeded to rip some sheet metal to shreds. When I came home he was a bloody mess...The dog was so beat up by the end of our build that he did not live too long afterwards. He was neurotic by then and had a bad case of arthritis from jumping all the time.

Then there was the almost fight in the driveway between my GC and the Kitchen and bath man who didn't know how to measure anything right. My GC who was bi-polar, obsessive compulsive (he really needed medication!) did a great job, He had to be treated with kid gloves all the time. I think he also underbid the job and was stressed out. Also, he constantly had to show me every little thing that the architect was off on. I just got tired of hearing it all EWVERY DAY FOR 4 MONTHS. I had no where to get away from it!

I was home in the afternoon and had to answer ALL the questions and help solve the problems) My husband travels alot so I got stuck with most of the direct contact with contractor, subs and had to keep my GC from killing my kitchen and bath man! Luckilly, my kitchen came out alright, but we told the Kitchen guy to take all the cabinets back for our master bath and we hired a carpenter to finish that for us. (That added another 20K to the job)

Needless to say after all was said and done, I had a very difficult time enjoying my completed remodel. It took me at least 5 years to get over it so I could enjoy my "new" home My spouse and I managed to come out of it ok, but it was a definite strain on our relationship.

So are we CRAZY to build a new home? At least I don't have to actually live in it while it is being built!

Our builder gave us the following advice in the very beginning and she was right?

"This process can be as fun or as awful as you want it to be. It's up to you."

My new mantra when I stress is "This too shall pass"

zoe52, you sound like a bad country song!! Oh, my, I'm sorry you had such a rough go of it. Years later, can you laugh about it? That is what I keep saying to myself, and I only get nervous when I answer myself back....just kidding. Really, I try to look at the bigger picture.

I was having a tough time with this build, we didn't clear the land until 13 months after we started working on the design of our home, and our relationship with our builder and his brother was tough at times. That only pushed my husband and I closer together. We (meaning the builder and "us") are doing better now, and can see that our home is going to be solid and well built. It helps all of the little things roll off like water on a ducks back. But building a house is exhausting work, mentally and physically. I try to keep things in perspective. It's just a house.

Amy

I need to thank you all again. We had a long talk last night and got a lot of issues out in the open. It was mainly down to our increased stress levels which lead to short tempers. We talked about how we would like to be communicated with and the things that irritated us, along with generally how the project and job responsibly was prioritized... All in all we had a very good conversation and I think that the help that this thread gave really helped me focus in on some areas for us to discuss and sort out... Many were in areas that I would have never brought up on my own.

Once again thank you. I hope others who are are having trouble now or in the future read this thread in their time of need because it will very much help any strained relationship due to building a home.

I could understand the stress of building my own house but as a Plumber should the customers stressful build be effecting my relationship?

Four years ago I signed a contract to plumb the house which originally had a construction schedule to be completed in 4 months. Ten days after signing the contract they had to call the police to the jobsite because the DW hit her hubby with the shovel during their groundbreaking ceremony, fortunately I was not there for that episode.

We put in the septic tank, house sewer and rough-in under the slab, which was inspected and the slab poured the following day.

Two days later I was informed that the project was now on hold because the DW had served her hubby divorce papers on the jobsite.

The next day when we went to retrieve some tools and equipment that was prepositioned on the jobsite I was informed by a Deputy Sheriff that the property ownership was now in dispute so nothing could be moved.

I called my attorney and was informed that in order to recover my equipment I would have to file a "Writ of Replevin" and go to a court hearing, all of which cost me about $900 and I had to wait 45 days for a court hearing.

The court informed me that we could recover tools and equipment but no building materials could be taken off the site. I argued that since the customer has not made a single payment they had no legal title to the materials. Wrong- I was informed that I could file a mechanics lein for the work that we had already performed and sue for the cost of the remaining materials on site, but I could not remove any materials.

In February I got a letter from the DW informing me that she and DH had got a divorce but they had now reconciled, got remarried and they are now proceeding with the build.

Three days later I got a letter from Hubby asking me to meet with him to set a schedule for the stackout phase. I called DH and informed him that I had officially retired over a year ago so he would now need to find another Plumber.

A week later I was served with a lawsuit informing me that there was no firm completion date listed on our original contract so they are now attempting to sue me for Non-performance of Contractural Services. Not only are they contending that I must perform the service, they further contend that I must do so at the original price, never mind in the last four years material costs have nearly doubled and labor has increased about 35%.

And to add insult to injury, my DW and I have been planning a trip down the Ohio and Mississippi river on our boat since last August, but now we have to put our trip on hold because I have to be here for a court date in June.

All I can say is, if this is representative of the type of customers we have today, I am certainly glad I retired.

Our house building has brought my DW and I closer together. After living in a trailer since 10/05 thanks to Katrina we feel like we can handle anything at this point. There's no secrets in a FEMA trailer.

Lazypup, thanks for including your story! I'm reading along shocked at the audacity that the customers would hold a workman's tools hostage in their personal "war of the roses". Then to hear they are back together (although it sounds like they deserve each other) and want to sue you for non-performance under a 4 year old contract. It is just beyond me that people can actually act like this. Sure hoping what goes around comes around for them.

Sorry you and your wife are missing your vacation to settle this. I'd be looking to see if I could counter-sue them for ANY reason (they surely deserve it).

Wow lazypup. You could make a movie out of what's happening to you...a horror movie!

And what's up with these judges for allowing that carp!

Liketolearn.. You were correct..what goes around, comes around.

I just had a long talk with my lawyer and he informed me why the homeowners are so intent on trying to coerce me into continuing to work on their house.

As I already knew, building permits have a cutoff clause which states that if there is no progress on the project for a specified period of time the permits are cancelled.

When the original project came to a halt I as the plumber and the masons and framers all attempted to collect for the work that we had done to date. Having failed to collect any monies for over a year we then filed mechanics leins against the property, not that a mechanics lein usually nets us anything but in this case it seems to be working in our favor. It seems that the county will not issue any further permits until the existing mechanics leins are satisfied however, if the homeowner can coerce the lein holders into continuing on the project the leins would automatically be waved on the grounds that we have negotiated an extension on the original contract.

If we, the lein holders do not re-enter into an agreement with the homeowner they are left with no option but to pay us in full plus interest computed at the prime rate for all work previously performed plus they have to pay all attorneys fee's and court costs associated with the project before they can obtain permits to continue their house.

It looks like I may collect monies that I had long since written off so even though my vacation will be delayed a bit in the end it should work out okay for me.

lazypup, I hope you keep us posted about that. I'm a sucker for a happy ending!!! Good luck,

Amy

Mcassel
We are on 3 yrs of building a house. Hubby and I have been through A LOT in the 35 years weve been married and I have to say this has been one of the most difficult 3 years of our lives. This is the second home we are building. We were practially kids the first time.(we fought then too) LOL

We have gotten over the roughest parts and that was designing. We pretty much know where we are going from here. But sometimes I wondered if we would kill eachother or get divorced.
(after thought) Then again there is the issue of the downstair bathroom.(sigh!!!)

This was perfect, and I agree.

Posted by jca1 on Sun, May 20, 07 at 0:37
really strong relationships will survive no problem
fairly strong will survive and become stronger
weak ones will fall apart slowly over the duration
really weak ones will crumble hopelessly

Remember the basic principless of patience, understanding, deep breathing, meditating, respecting one another and chanting. My favorite chant is... "honey, will you fix me another totty?!"

Just wanted to say thanks again. It has been a couple of weeks and things have been great. We had that long talk and tried to understand each others positions and stresses and we could not be better...

It would appear that every dark cloud truely does have a silver lining.

Went to court yesterday and expected that perhaps i would finally get paid for work performed and materials left on site. Boy was I fooled..The entire hearing lasted less than ten minutes with the following results:

Judge awarded actual damages of full payment for all work performed to date plus 8% per annum compound interest on the money from the date work stopped until the date the debt is actually paid, but not to exceed 60 days.

Court ruling, the debt must be paid within 60 days or the court will seize and sell the property to satisfy the outstanding debts.

All respective contractors must file a letter to the court confirming that our portion of the debt has been paid or if it goes past 60 days we have to report non-payment to the court.

Judge further ordered an additional punitive damage of $5,000 for each contractor who had filed a lien.

The balif was instructed to get a list of all contractors and suppliers who have worked on this project to date and either get a letter confirming that any outstanding debts have been paid or they are to come forward for recognition by the court to confirm a payment schedule.

Under no circumstances may any additional construction permits be issued for this lot and parcel or to this homeowner on any other lot and parcel until all outstanding debts are paid.

Whoopee! lazypup

THAT is totally awesome!

Here is a link that might be useful: {{gwi:1447964}}

Now that's what I call a happy ending!! Congratulations lazypup!

Amy

Glad it all worked out for you,lazypup.It's common place to hear of ordeals where the trades person is the bad guy. Your situation shows that it can be the other way around.

There IS justice! Good for you! We have been thinking about you!