This was supposed to be a rant....

18 years ago

I had the most terrible day yesterday with my MIL- everything I did was wrong, everything I cooked was bad, every item I touched I put back in the wrong place, the hot water wasn't hot enough, our house is too cold, the rain was too heavy, the whites weren't white enough, there was dust under the bed....

I literally ran around the house all day doing everything wrong.

I intended a thousand times to sit down here and write a rant to deal with it all but I simply never had time to do it. Then she fell asleep and so did I.

Presto change-o magic happened- we woke up this morning and everything is all better.

So far :) :) :)

At any rate my point is that just knowing I have somewhere to spill out all my aggravation makes it easier to deal with everything. I stomp around thinking how I will phrase my rant and I feel better.

She's not a bad person- she is just old and in pain and mad at the world for leaving her sitting here this long. She has little quality of life IMO and is herself just waiting to die, I think. Lord knows everyone else is.

There.

I said it.

Actually my feelings about her are 100% polarized- I vacillate between extreme pity and total aggravation and frustration.

It's an old story everyone here can relate to I guess.

[/non rant]

So- she's had a wash and a lovely breakfast, I'm fixing to go have mine, and today shall be a better day!

Thanks y'all!!

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Comments (11)

Connie Kru
18 years ago
Rant away
That is what we are here for
I will listen, cause I remember when I was in your position.
Connie
shambo
18 years ago
AMEN! ... to what Connie said.
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Barker_Tx, we are in Austin, Tx and if you have any suggestions, please email me at bevangel_72(at)yahoo.com. A big problem we're having is the cost of all the facilities in Austin. MIL gets about $1100/mo social security and about $900/mo investment income. All of her money is invested in CDs however and none of those mature until next March, so even though know she needs to start spending down the principal, we'd very much like to wait to cash one out to avoid the early withdrawal penalties. In the interim, DH and I are supplementing her living expenses. But, both our jobs are currently "shaky" so we really can't afford to supplement more than about $1000/mo and even that is a MAJOR stretch. If either of us actually loses our jobs, we're going to eat through our own financial cushion very very fast! In Amarillo, MIL's social security and investment income came really close to covering her expenses and she would cash out a CD about once a year to put enough in the bank to cover the rest of her expenses for the year. The only thing we were supplementing was her medication management at about $400/mo. Moving her down here and paying the $3000 non-refundable move-in fee to the Meridian ate thru pretty much all the extra cash she had on hand. So, until next March, we're going to have to supplement every penny above about $2000/mo that it costs her to live. As for the Meridian... I have talked to the administrators until I am blue in the face. They just keep shifting their stories to cover their a**es. First they claimed that they intended for another resident who attends almost all the activities in the main area to go and get MIL and befriend her... but that that resident moved out shortly after MIL moved in. When I pointed out that 1) they never TOLD us the volunteer resident had moved out and 2) THEY were the ones who made the promise and, if they couldn't find a volunteer to fulfill the promise, they should have assigned a staff member to do it, they changed their story. They NOW claim that the only activities they EVER promised to take MIL to were the ones in the Platinum Plus wing and that, if we understood anything else, it was just a misunderstanding on our part! They won't respond to the fact that we talked repeatedly about how much MIL enjoyed playing the dominoes game called Forty-two, which was shown on the MAIN schedule 3x per week and is NEVER shown on the Platinum Plus schedule, and which they very specifically stated they would make sure she got to play. They also ignore the fact that we talked very specifically about my concern that she would get lost trying to get all the way down to the main activity room by herself and discussed the need for her to have a scooter because it was too far for her to walk. The area where they hold their once daily platinum plus activity is right around the corner from MIL's apartment. She can find her own way there quite easily and doesn't need a scooter to go that far. But, "we only said we'd get her to the Platinum Plus activities" is now their story and they are sticking to it. As for the non-events on the health center calendar: According to the administrator, the "current events" activity on the health center calendar would have happened except that the volunteer that leads current events on the weekend was unexpectedly called out of town. The "worship services" on that calendar was a reference to the worship services happening in the Platinum Plus area (as if any one living in the Health Center could POSSIBLY have made it up there since it is at least a 5 minute walk by a healthy person!) The "social hour" was a reference to the fact that, about 3PM the nurse came around and gave each resident a cookie and some cranberry juice! As for the non-events on the Main Calendar: their story now is that "our independent residents lead most of the events that are scheduled and, if they decide not to hold them, we ask them to let us know so we can revise the calendar but, if they don't, that is nothing the Meridian can do." And, as for scheduled afternoon game time that didn't happen in the Platinum Plus wing: "our staff member was there at the scheduled time to lead the activity but none of the residents showed up, so after a few minutes, she left and went to take care of other duties." As I said, they're covering their a**es! As the situation now stands, MIL is back in her apartment and we have been told that they will "remind her of all activities, including those in the main building, when they go in to give her medications." They will also tell her where the activity is happening (as if she can possibly find it on her own) and that, IF a staff member "has time", one will walk her down to occasional activities in the main building. I would bet a million bucks that no staff member will ever have time!!!! Bottom line, she will be left to vegetate in her room until we can move her out. The only reason we even looked in Temple was that Austin seemed so expensive and, as one went further out from Austin the prices seemed to drop. We figured we could afford the time and gas to drive 50 miles to/from Temple once or twice a week more easily than the prices of similar places in Austin. BAD PLAN! 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agnespuffin
18 years ago
I know what you mean about thinking about how to phrase your rant. I have rehersed over and over what I plan to say to a SIL if I manage to get a word in edgewise. So, by the time I have to put up with her, I have already gotten it out of my system. LOL. It helps.

Rant away. there will always be those here that know exactly how you feel.
cearbhaill (zone 6b Eastern Kentucky)
Original Author
18 years ago
It's just a roller coaster ride of emotions- at times I am the most patient and forgiving person in the world. Then it all gets to be too much and I hate having taken this on.

It all started when she complained that I had not washed her bedding on the seventh day. She demands weekly fresh sheets, which makes perfect sense except she does not sleep in the bed. She sleeps on the bed- on top of the sheets, on top of the bedspread, and on top of the comforter that is on top of that.

So silly me for thinking that sheets could go eight days. I'm a filthy slob.

Never a dull moment around here :)
jimjimjo
18 years ago
EVERY caregiver needs to rant sometime -- at least I know I do. My problem is there is no one to rant to -- my husband is the oldest of 8 children but he hasn't communicated with any of them in the 30 years we've been married -- they are a VERY disfunctional family. He has been on hemodialysis for kidney failure for almost 9 years and has had to have some of his colon removed and now uses a colostomy bag. He feels fairly well most days but refuses to do anything other than lay on the couch, eat, sleep and watch TV. In the 30 years we've been married he's never once even mentioned our wedding anniversary or my birthday. EVERYTHING has to be done according to his specifications, and if I do it different all hell breaks loose --- it's like he has to control EVERY aspect of our lives, including when I prepare meals, when I do laundry, when and where we shop for groceries, when we go anywhere, etc. Anytime I try talking to him about our situation he gets angry and starts telling me how I wish he was dead so I wouldn't have to care for him, etc.

I am SO tired of hearing about everything that I do wrong and never hearing anything good, joyful or happy. He is just angry at the whole world and refuses to even discuss therapy -- I can't even get him to discuss our problems with our minister. What can one do in a situation like this?

Sorry if I sound angry --- actually I'm just frustrated, tired, lonely and very disappointed with his actions.

Thanks for listening, Jimmie
lindajewell
18 years ago
Your MIL sounds like my mom! I have never, my entire life, been able to do any thing that truely pleases her. She will throw in my face that I am not married, and I throw back, but mother, if I were you may not have anyone to do for you! Even when I go to see her in the nursing home she orders me around to pick up this, move that, and so on. I have decided the next time she starts I am going to say "mom, you have a choice, you have your daughter come visit with you or you can have your daughter be your maid, in which case I will come in, pick up your room, get your laundry and leave!

Dad and I stopped to see her yesterday, beautiful day, wanted to visit and take her outside for a while. I made the comment to another resident that we may not be in today. Well, mom started in on me about how we should stay yesterday and then come back today. I said, mom you don't see these other ladies (she was in the dining room with a bunch of others) having their families here every day, all day! So I gave her a choice, visit with us or we would leave and come back today. She choose today, jokes on her 'cause the weather is not going to be that great, which means she won't get to go outside.

See, you hare not the only one to rant!!!!!!!! I am just glad ya'll are here, otherwise I would have no one to talk with. My friends don't call anymore as they know I can't just jump in the car and go........they don't come here to visit. Guess they are not really my friends.............

Linda J
agnespuffin
18 years ago
..." My friends don't call anymore as they know I can't just jump in the car and go........they don't come here to visit. Guess they are not really my friends............."

Nope, they are still your friends, but you have one BIG problem in your life that they can't relate to. So, they feel awkward.

I have sort of the same problem. My husband and I have always gone and done things together. He even goes shopping with me. Great, except now all my friends that I like to be with are widows. I feel very awkward because my life still revolves around him and our marriage. They no longer have that in common. It makes a difference in conversation and planning, etc. However, he's worth it....I think! LOL
asolo
18 years ago
Agree with agnespuffin....people's lives change and evolve. There are new balances to be struck every time you turn around. Suggest flexibility in your thinking about it.

Also suggest self-evaluation. I've had a number of friends that got so stuck in their own groove, they couldn't talk about anything else and became self-centered and boring. Not saying that's you. Just suggesting you make sure it's not. I'll bet all the old sparks are still there. No matter what happens one still has to stay sane and keep reaching out. Easier some days than others. And there's never enough time or energy to cover it all, is there?
lindajewell
18 years ago
Guess you are right about being "uncomfortable". When I do talk to my friends I do not talk much about what is going on with me as I don't want to talk about it all the time. Now, if they ask how mom is then certainly I will tell them. However I really would like to just be able to "chat" about every day things, like how the gardens are doing and so on................

I have one friend that I use to drive every where, she does not drive, but I did it all the time and we always had fun. Since all this has happened she just quit calling, never will ask her DH to drive her over. They know I don't have the freedom to just go anymore but it would be nice to still be asked to do things with them. I could get someone to stay with dad once in a while..........I guess I just get tired of always being the one to call....
Connie Kru
18 years ago
Been there done that advice.
Pick up the phone and call your friend that does not drive and say-Hey I miss you and I can't leave the house, but I would love to have lunch with you-when do you think your hubby could drop you over.
Having a friend takes work and often it is more one sided, but you need to keep you friends, because one day and it may be sooner than you know, you will be free again and you will want to have a circle of fiends to hang out with.
Connie
(I cared for my mil for 5 yrs and 2 of those I was pretty housebound)
agnespuffin
18 years ago
It would be a great idea to arrange someone to watch your dad for a day. Then call up your old friends and tell them that you are going to be free for lunch that day and try to arrange seeing at least one. They know you are busy and are not able to just drop everything and go anytime that you want to. They may even have gotten the idea that you are so busy that you just can't let go and visit with them.

That would be the time to tell them that you have missed chatting with them and wanted to catch up on all of their news and happenings. They probably don't really realise just how you are cut off from others. Time passes so quickly that sometimes that we tend to forget.

This was supposed to be a rant....

Comments (11)

Connie Kru

shambo

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This was supposed to be a rant....

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cearbhaill (zone 6b Eastern Kentucky)Original Author

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cearbhaill (zone 6b Eastern Kentucky)
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