Oh my! I understand the roller coaster you're on, garden wench. Mum had a stroke in July 04 and is back home with me, mercifully. It's difficult to watch a parent struggle with things that used to be reasonably simple. It's difficult to be "in charge" of not only care and medical decisions, but finances, as well. Clothing: pull on pants are WONDERFUL! I bought 4 pair of the pull on, stretch cordouroy ones that were in the Lands End catalogue last fall. Mum LOVES them; they wash and wear like a dream, and they fit her well. I had good luck with LL Bean in fall 04, buying slacks in a heavy-weight knit AND buying the coordinating tops, too. Mum has trouble with buttons, so I try to find things that pull over the head and have buttons as a pretty detail, or a pretty neckline/collar. I've had great luck at Eddie Bauer, too... lovely cotton sweaters and stretchy turtlenecks. I generally order 1 of something from a catalogue, once it's been tried on and receives the thumbs up I get right on line and order several. Buy things that will tolerate the industrial laundry service at a nursing home. Mum lives with me, so I am able to spend time with stain removal and the few "handle with care" items she has in her wardrobe. I was trained as a tailor, and I sew for a living. I do all the required alterations myself, saving snippits of the fabric to take with me when I stop by a store. I'm able to match things and get wonderful bargains. I insist that Mum have socks that match her slacks, lol, I insist the woman who helps her bathe use them, too! Mum was very fashionable before her health crashed and I have maintained that aspect of her life for her. She has pretty scarves, nice accessories, and they are all there for the "bath lady" and Mum to peruse and choose. I have patterned things that she likes particularly well, and have made new ones for her in new and exciting fabrics. I have found several stores where the saleshelp is patient and fun. I scout the stores for "good stuff" and then take Mum OUT, we go midweek when things are not very busy; we have a blast. I find shopping for shoes to be particularly trying. She is incredibly fussy, and she has to have "good, sensible shoes". I have to take her shoe shopping again, and I dread it. I take her for a haircut every 4 weeks. She has great hair, and gets a stylish, short haircut (easy to maintain and style), and has her nails trimmed, shaped, and buffed. I refuse to allow her look "shaggy", sloppy, and "old". Even her eyeglasses are fashionable! and we have to address the need for some sunglasses, a new wallet, and a "user friendly" handbag, too. Ugh... The helpmeet is often frustrated by our lack of freedom, too. But he is wonderful with Mum. I get her up in the morning, make sure she's washed and dressed and at the breakfast table. I usually see that she has taken her morning meds. and has her bowl of fresh fruit and a cup of tea/coffee (decaf. only). He takes over and prepares her an egg, pancakes, french toast, etc.. He returns home for lunch and sees that she has lunch with him. I'm home in the afternoon and see that she has a snack, water, and goes outdoors for exercise. I do the lion's share of her care (urostomy changes, and requisite daily maintenace), involving her as much as is practicable, but he is wonderful with her! good humored and patient beyond measure. I have to do her finances tonight, as a matter of fact. It always seems worse than it turns out to be, but it does add an additional 1/2 hr. to what's already been a long day. I understand. Hang in there; you will find a way to make it all work, but it takes time, patience, and sense of humor.

Give it a little time for things to work themselves out; might be a little hard to believe now, but they generally do. One thing that might be beneficial to you is to get to know the home routine - they usually publish a little calendar of daily events and activities planned for residents. Get familiar with meal times, bath/shower/hairdresser days, art and craft sessions, music programs... sometimes planning visits around times when there is interaction with other residents takes the burden off you in carrying the ball. Also, get to know the staff, make sure they see you. It helps them to know you're your mother's best advocate. Let them know little things about her, what she liked and didn't like, hobbies and pasttimes, etc. If they have a little personal information, they have something to distract her with when she's feeling angry and alone. If your mother likes music, make sure she has a radio. A few well chosen family pictures in her room, a favorite quilt or throw. I have to admit, as gut wrenching a decision as it was to have our mother placed in long term care (I was her live in caregiver from mid 2001 until late 2006 and watched her slide from moderate to severe Alzheimer's), we were spared any real drama. But over the 11 months she was in LTC, I witnessed plenty of drama with other residents and their families. And I participated in (still do keep up with those) a couple of different care givers support groups - really good for information gathering/sharing, moral support, etc. It was all a real learning experience - and now looking back on the whole thing - one I wouldn't trade. It was a priviledge and there's a kind of sweetness about it.

I feel for you Goldenpond! Friend needs to be placed somewhere as getting angry & family afraid he will take it out on wife. Also talking about buying new car(keys taken away few yrs ago) & getting a job(88 yrs old) He was in WWII & qualifies for V.A. benefits & was getting runaround so I thought I would check at a nursing home where I was visiting patient(asked if they could give me any suggestions)they took me to director of nursing. She said a lot of nursing homes have VA patients under gov't contract & he would get in free also spouses get some benefits too.He needs lockdown placement so he doesn't wander off. So I sure didn't know that. Wouldn't hurt to find out if they have that in your area if he is a vet., he have to be checked out by their Dr. & then you can do Internet search, you could do search before hand, have to know his service info etc.Google "dementia lock-down V.A. nursing homes" But if he gets to be too much for you at home might be the way to go. Amazed that he is walking again. They do over-medicate at lot of those places. I came across medical records of lady who had been member of our church. Somehow her papers from nursing home ended up with things they brought to church for her son to pick up,he got killed so I said I would clean out her stuff & was shocked to see that her main complaint was stomach pain & the 3 drugs they had her on(for yrs) all reacted against each other & Physican's Drug book tells you not to mix them,cause abdominal pain!! Duh! She was such a sweet lady but I hadn't seen her for yrs as went over to different church & when we came back over to build this 1 up saw that she had passed away. She originally had cancer & got cured of it so probably didn't need to be in a home if she was off her meds. Very sad. So important to check the side effects & even talk to pharmacist to be sure they are compatible, tho smart to also check in medical books as some may be in it for the money. Bet your dad is thrilled to be so close to you! Good luck & hope he does well! I remember a pic of him at nursing home having fun!!

In my state Medicaid does not cover long term care in the home. Coverage may vary in other states or there may be other public assistance programs that do provide it for those who qualify. I like the idea of having more control over what services I can receive and from who - rather than being at the mercy of the government. My grandmother was also in a nursing home for quite a few years - paid for by Medicaid. One thing I thought was a big advantage for my MIL, whose care was covered by LTC insurance and other personal funds, was that she had a private room. She had some of her own furnishings and room for visitors. We spent a lot of time there over the years and it was nice not to have a roommate. Who knows what will matter to you though if the time comes. Some people rarely if ever have visitors.