This is the first time in a while I've had a chance to read through the more recent posts. I have to say my heart goes out to Melissa Stewart, who never did post again, sadly. My first impulse was to suggest putting a lock on the bedroom door! BTW, maifleur01's post of August 28, 2016 wasn't very clear to me. I think what she was saying was that AL facilities might be helpful to early/moderate dementia patients, but not all of them are willing to be moved there. This is very true. My MIL did not want to move. However, we did not give her a choice. She had lived with us for 7 yrs and it was stressing my DH's (her only child) health. The facility we found for her is a world away from the "just sitting in chairs" places. It is a 5-acre secure campus, complete with its own senior center and as mentioned before, a full schedule of activities every day. The regular routines and voluntary activities helped very much in slowing down the progression of her dementia. Her anxiety lessened, and she no longer needed the anti-depressants or BP bills either. She was the ideal candidate for a facility because she was very social but personally awkward at making friends (she felt it was being "pushy" and unladylike to be the instigator). The casual, regular social interactions enabled her to finally make new friends. This non-profit facility is the third-ranked of its type in the state. It has the lowest staff turnover percentage and one of the highest staff-to-resident ratios. The downside is, you need $$$ for this. Without exception we found the better quality full-care facilities did not take Medicaid patients. IF you passed the interview, had a signed evaluation of your mental/physical health from your doctor, and could claim sufficient financial assets for at least 5 yrs of rental expense, you could be accepted as a resident. In such case, as a current resident if you needed care in the future and ran out of funds, the facility can CHOOSE to apply for Medicaid on your behalf so you may continue to be a resident. Most non-profits will do this. Many for-profits, which unfortunately comprise the bulk of the industry and who are rapidly buying up existing non-profits when possible, do NOT do this. No funds = no residency. Always be sure, if you are looking for a facility for an elderly family member, that you make several visits, research their rankings (both federal and state inspections), and ask as many questions about "what if?" as you can. Just FYI, an article last week in the WS Journal on "We're running out of caregivers" said the average cost of a home health aide, full time (8 hr day) is now $49,000/yr. Remember if the aide is hired directly, you are also responsible for Social Security and other taxes, as an employer.

We are dealing with my father who has had signs of vascular dementia for a few years as in being forgetful. He has some health issues which has landed him the hospital with an infection in his leg which traveled through his blood stream. He has been so weak, he can no longer walk and get to the toilet without assistance. Up to a day ago, he had a pick line with antibiotics still. He was sent to a rehab hospital where he refused medication, refused rehab and pulled out his pickline. He wants to go home, but my mom can not care for him at home. He was discharged to a skilled nursing center with an excellent rehab facility on Friday night and we have hired Home Instead to have people sit with him at night. He is extremely angry, uncooperative, threatening to take us all to court because he wants home care at home. He is cussing out the Home Instead people at night and calling us at all hours of the night asking why he is there and is unable to hear any logic due to paranoia(we are all out to get him) and/or stubbornness, but until he starts cooperating, it's hard to get him home. Such a catch22. Just looking for advice. I live out of town and for the last few weeks, I have been going up to support them, but it is wearying. Not sure if this is dementia or he is just being self absorbed.

Oakley, I don't think we know what we are going to want or how we are going to feel until the time gets close. My MIL got nervous when I was away. Everyone told me she would ask for me repeatedly. "When is Golddust coming home?" As her needs became greater, she appreciated a female helping her with dressing, toileting and hygiene. Her sons were clueless. They were loving, willing and wonderful - but totally clueless and uncomfortable. I didn't leave her once in her last three weeks. Her sons would do anything at all, including taking the dogs to the vet, so they didn't have to stay with her alone toward the end. Better make good friends with your DIL. I think your DS will delegate your care to her more than you know. My MIL deeply loved me and appreciated me stepping in when she needed help. She didn't think anyone would be there for her. After caring for three elders until their death, I have no fantasies about old age or the rocky path toward death. It isn't usually pretty and I watched my MILs sons look to me for their Mother's care. They even looked to me for the way they should act around her. I told my MIL that her cancer had returned in front of them. (They thought she shouldn't know, rather than tell her themselves.) They supported me to take care of her and I have a lifetime of points in reserve because of the awesome care she got. If you alienate your DIL, you will also alienate your son. He will chose her over you, as it should be. Your best hope is to make your DIL love you. She will be wiping your butt, not your son. Trust me.

Today is a new, and better day. She was in such rotten shape yesterday and is much improved today. It's soooooo hard not to be there and to leave everything to sister. Sister cares much, but doesn't have a ton of patience. I talked to Mom this morning and slowly approached the subject of where to live. She really wants to go to a care home down the street from my sister and I'm not sure how to check it out, other than a visit. (Yes, a surprise visit is a good idea.) It's a crime that these places aren't rated and I don't know whether inspections are open to the public, and how hard they are to find. Chisue, I've thought of you and your husband a lot lately. Mom was put on Wellbutrin to counteract depression the narcotics bring, and that was a pain getting there. The "fabulous" neurologist" put her on another one at first that caused severe nausea as well as.....worse rsl. Way to go, big doctor--It took me 5 minutes of surfing to find out that drug increases symptoms. The neurologist has been of little help as well. I asked ds to ask her regular physician about Abilify, but he was against it, even though I told her what you had told me--I'm afraid I've forgotten the reason. At this point, I don't think we can mess with the meds too much as we try to get her more stable. Azzalea and Jim, thanks for the suggestions. You're right, I think she will be ok in assisted living. Sister really has been such a trooper and had to deal with a whole lotta unpleasantness yesterday. I have to not let her make a snap decision, which is a little tough because she's the one who is doing all the work. We all love our mom dearly and want what's best for her, for sure. Susan, prune juice is always a good idea but didn't do the trick this time. I'll keep you posted, if anyone is interested. THANK YOU again, for all your help and suggestions.