Give it a little time for things to work themselves out; might be a little hard to believe now, but they generally do. One thing that might be beneficial to you is to get to know the home routine - they usually publish a little calendar of daily events and activities planned for residents. Get familiar with meal times, bath/shower/hairdresser days, art and craft sessions, music programs... sometimes planning visits around times when there is interaction with other residents takes the burden off you in carrying the ball. Also, get to know the staff, make sure they see you. It helps them to know you're your mother's best advocate. Let them know little things about her, what she liked and didn't like, hobbies and pasttimes, etc. If they have a little personal information, they have something to distract her with when she's feeling angry and alone. If your mother likes music, make sure she has a radio. A few well chosen family pictures in her room, a favorite quilt or throw. I have to admit, as gut wrenching a decision as it was to have our mother placed in long term care (I was her live in caregiver from mid 2001 until late 2006 and watched her slide from moderate to severe Alzheimer's), we were spared any real drama. But over the 11 months she was in LTC, I witnessed plenty of drama with other residents and their families. And I participated in (still do keep up with those) a couple of different care givers support groups - really good for information gathering/sharing, moral support, etc. It was all a real learning experience - and now looking back on the whole thing - one I wouldn't trade. It was a priviledge and there's a kind of sweetness about it.

Carol, DF would not be able to sell the farm without DM's consent, and so that would not happen secretly. He has only a small portion of what was the original estate from 1870, as it got divided a couple of times, but he lives on the original homestead and is listed in the Texas historical registry for continuous one family ownership for more than 100 years. My brother in Texas wants to continue the ownership, and his son will probably want to take care of it after that. I tried to call Mother yesterday, and DF answered the phone, which was a bit of a surprise. He said he was doing fine (which he isn't) and that Mother had gone to town to pick something up and had left him in the house alone (also not true). He then told me that someone had stolen his pickup and that it was probably in Mexico by now. That was pretty much the extent of our conversation, and then he told me that he would have DM call me when she got back. She did call me a few minutes later while Kevin and I were on the phone with our sister, and DM told us that she had never left the house but was merely in a different bedroom - where I guess she had gone to get away from DF. He seems to be driving her crazy, and she has very little patience for him. She told me that she threatened to leave him if he didn't stop telling her the same wild stories over and over, and so I guess he has the idea that she might leave at any moment. According to DS, someone is with him 24 hours, as he cannot be left alone for any stretch of time. I'm sure that my brother and his wife are doing everything they can to speed up his entrance to the nursing home, which is where everyone agrees that he needs to be - that is, everyone except DF. He would try to drive his pickup if my brother had not taken it away, even though he is almost completely blind. My mother gets tired of hearing him ask to be taken home and keeps trying to convince him that he is already at home. DB and his wife will be moving back into their own house in a couple of weeks, and this will make it more difficult for DM. At this point, I am just trusting my brother to make the right decisions, as I am not in a position to move back to Texas to help with the care. Speaking of sheriffs - DF threatened to call his local sheriff to have him come and pick him up and take him home unless DM takes him - he thinks he is being held hostage at times. Linda, what do you mean by "calling hospice"? I'm not sure what that is. It's nice that your son visited you from Sweden, but I think you are a long way from having to worry about death. It's very nice that you visit nursing homes yourself - I haven't been since my grandmother died. We gave our mother a big 80th birthday party and also a big 60th wedding anniversary party, and that was the last good family reunion we had, I think, except for maybe my nephew's wedding, and I can't remember when that was. I'm trying to figure out if and/or when we should plan another trip to see our family. We were there last December, less than four months ago; DF's birthday is in June, and he will be 89. Lars

Wait, I am a bit confused. So you didn't think BM was going to take SS to practice, but you did think she would pick him up at the stated normal time, right? And now DH has told her she can pick him up AFTER practice, which I am assuming means YOU will have to drive him to practice, and drive him home and then BM will get him? Just making sure I understand. I totally 100% agree with you that if DH is going to make changes to the schedule--HE needs to be around to deal with them and the potential fallout. It is unfair of him to make the changes, but then expect you to sit around and deal with them. Ditto on the fact that the judge may throw his hands up in the air, too. If DH wants a set schedule and times SO badly, but then constantly disregards it, then it's obvious (to a court) that it's not *that* important to him. Reminds me of a friend of mine--she has two boys with her ex. A six year old and a three year old. Never married to the ex, and the second boy was conceived during a brief reconciliation, and then they broke up not long after. The ex is a shady character---was into drugs/drinking for awhile there, and my friend, who is totally on the straight and narrow, working full-time in addition to majoring in Molecular Biology, didn't like having her boys go over to his place. BUT--she was in a bind all the time, needed him to help with the boys while she worked or was in class, and she would still let him keep the boys. THEN she would complain to her attorney that the boys weren't safe with their dad. Her attorney finally said---LOOK, if you do not think they're safe and you want me to pursue that avenue in this custody battle, then STOP sending your kids over there. You lose credibility when you tell the judge the kids are not safe but send them there anyway! He had a point. This was three years ago, and the dad ended up cleaning up his life and the two of them now share joint custody. Same kinda situation, though. When your DH changes things, he loses credibility. Just want to make sure I am understanding.

We have had the need, to have our adult son in nursing homes for several years. I have never found one decorated like was discribed in the op, but some of the older ones could use some updating. Older doesn't mean less clean. Most we have used, are very tasteful. Some run better than others for sure, but a nh is not a place to dump someone off, and not keep an eye on their care. I want a place with good oversight and speaking from our experience, I find Medicare/Medicaid are very good about inforcing regulations. As someone else said, M&M pay a set amount and if the charges are more than that, the family or resident makes up the difference, unless you can negotiate a lower cost. A nursing home has skilled nursing care, and assisted living does not. Most places are not the nh homes of past, because they fail inspections and they don't get paid. The records of all inspection in a M&M facility, are readily available, listing violations or concerns with the plan and date to be rectified. I have found that some of the most caring and professional caregivers, are to be found in nursing homes and hope those of you that have the need of one can find something suitable. They are there. Having said that, it is up to family to make sure it does go well. I show up unannounced at different times, day and night, and advocate for him if there are any issues. It is still people running them, and there can always be some breakdown in procedure etc, but when brought to attention should be addressed immediately.