are you in Jackson Heights? Just wondering, w/ the private garden thing. (that's where I live, but in a 1921 bldg w/ 10 units)

I have no respect for people who complain about you on the very day you move in.

I don't know how to help you get her out of your head, except maybe to say that time will help with that. Especially as tme goes by without her banging on the floor, it'll be easier to forget about her.

And maybe to work on feeling sorry for her, if you can do that by giving her back the responsibility for dealing with this. YOU deal with it; your neighbors get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and you don't mind. You cope. She's a grownup; she can, too.

Maybe take it away, mentally, from the "she's wrong, I'm right" argumentative tone it sounds like it's got now, and make it a "feeling sorry for her," "being vaguelly sympathetic" one? Because anger clings, but those softer emotions don't? As long as you can do that without switching into "i have to fix it for her" mode.

It is sort of too bad, that she hasn't had enough people over her head to get her used to the idea of hearing you walk around

Can you develop for her the goodwill you have for the folks upstairs? They bother you when they walk, but you see it as something they can't help. True, she could "help" not writing you letters, but can you see her initial sensitivity as something she needed time to adjust to? And make the same mental "I'm going to decide to be patient" decision you've made?

(is it at all possible that she had no one, or else someone very sedentary, above her for a long while and just wasn't used to having anyone there? That happened to us--we had this very sedentary old lady upstairs for years, then she died and the place was empty for about a year until a new person moved in--we really did have to adjust to a very different noise level--maybe she just could find it in her to be as patient with the adjustment period as we were?)

I have great sympathy for you; I often tell my DH that the thing that will drive me to buy a house (though I prefer an apartment) is if I have to worry about every step I take in my own home. I don't mind hearing my upstairs neighbor in the least--hey, it's an apartment, and what is she doing? Walking from one room to another, having her family over for dinner (though I hate when they suddenly laugh at the dinner table over my head, bcs I didn't get to hear the joke!).

But if I have to tiptoe, I'm be furious.

Give it time, I guess I'd say. She'll get used to it eventually. And hopefully it'll start to fade for you as a few more years go by. I know that it did eventually for us, w/ our downstairs neighbor (who banged on the ceiling when I vacuumed for the first time in months).

thanks for your reply - and yes, I think we must be neighbors!! It's nice to hear that maybe I will get used to it with time, because I really can't afford to move. I got a great interest rate, help from my family, etc etc and I really can't sell at this point.

The last person who lived in my apt was also a young single woman (call her Sarah) who travelled often but when she was staying in NY, she often came home late at night (2am). I heard from other neighbors that my downstairs neighbor would often come up and complain when this woman would walk around at 2am. I assumed (probably wrongly) that she didn't remove her shoes and also that she didn't have rugs, and that if I followed these two things that I wouldn't be heard underneath. According to the story, when downstairs would come up to complain, Sarah would basically yell expletives at her. I thought Sarah must be a horrible person but now I see that maybe Downstairs Neighbor was driving her to it!! I am not an angry type of person but maybe I could be driven to that someday!!

Actually I think my problem is that I am TOO sympathetic and empathetic. I always think of how other people feel about everything. This does not always make me the most successful get-ahead person in life -- because I am afraid to be confrontational or say things I think others won't like (generally). This is a case where I think I need to stop thinking of my downstairs neighbor and feeling sorry for her because I am bothering her. I KNOW I am bothering her. But the result is I am hurting myself, probably more than I am hurting her.

definitely more than you are hurting her.

I have found over the years, that I've had to "let go" of the urge to make everything right. People are grownups--they can deal. And it is OK of me to expect them to.

So, my point wasn't that you should try to fix the problem, but that you should say, "gee, yeah, that is too bad" and move on. And be sort of mildly understanding in your MANNER, while letting her have the responsibility of coping with your reasonable noise.

And to switch from the anger to a sort of pity. Maybe pity more than empathy. Because pity is patronizing and doesn't seek to actually help anyone--which is where you want to be.

Or, think of yourself as the day-care working, dealing w/a difficult child. You're not going to change the rules for the temper-tantrum thrower, but you aren't going to escalate anything either. That might help you from dwelling on it mentally.

Good luck!

Older people often have trouble sleeping. But she should visit her doctor, not you. I mean in NYC - there are probably auto and truck noises. A nice pill, and a set of ear plugs would be the answer for her. Maybe you could drop a set of ear plugs, or a CD of wind noises into her doorslot.

I thought of you over the weekend. And what I meant to say about feeling sympathy for her is NOT to feel sorry for her that you're loud, or that her sleep is disturbed.

But to feel sorry for her that she can't adjust, that she's so unreasonable.

Thanks everyone for the messages. I was away over the weekend and just got back and will work on tuning out this problem and just live my life normally.

To Txgardenlady - I agree with you completely and when I wrote the letter to her, I made the point that her medical condition (insomnia) pre-dated my arrival in the building and that it is her problem to fix, not mine. When I visited her early on, I recommended a brand of earplugs and let her know that I have used earplugs for 20 years ,ever since I lived in a college dorm in bunk beds with a roommate who got up and got ready for the day at 5:30am.

What's weird about this apartment-- and totally unexpected for me in NYC -- is that there is essentially NO auto and truck noise after a certain hour. That in fact is part of the problem - no ambient noise. Our apartments look out onto a private garden, and this block is totally residential (no bars or other establishments open late).

Anyway, thanks again for the comments and wishing everyone a peaceful day.

Wow, I know exactly how you feel~ I am a nervous wreck trying to not make any noise in my apt. I just posted about my situation, which differs from yours. I'm sorry you're dealing with this~ I hope your neighbor will stop being a witch and will leave you alone. I know the self-consciousness and feeling like you're walking on eggshells is something that only you and I have control over. If you figure out how to stop that, let me know before I drive myself crazy! ;)

hey there! NYC too. actually just moved to Queens (after 13 yrs of Manhattan- go figure).

i have a Q for you senaca_nyc & plz don't take this the wrong way. what struck me about your post is this: is this about the lady downstaris (of course it is, but...) or is it about your not feeling worthy of this apt??

you mention it's a 1st purchase (& congrats btw!) but something about your constant need to be considered 'considerate', which i think you are, strikes me as insecurity on a higher level.

forgive me if i'm wrong. i know for me, (we just moved into a new apt building) i find myself trying to be 'really quiet' so no one complains about us. we have a dog & it was really hard, stressful, and expensive for us to move. and we're the 'new tenants' so we're on trial for the next 60 days. my DH & i 'feel' like this place is too good to be true & feel insecure ourselves. we're very considerate people but we have a right to live here too.

having said all that, kudos to you on your writing that letter. and i agree w/ you: if you don't like it - move. we did. i HATED my old apartment (upper Manhattan). severe noise & lack of light had really thrown me into a tail spin of a massive depression.

i finally decided i needed to do something about it. and we've moved and we're happier. but i took us 10+ years to figure that out for ourselves.

and finally one more thought.... hello? we live in a major city!!!!! if your neighbor below doesn't get that, she has bigger problems.

i'm all for being nice to your neighbors (my DH drives me crazy w/ his nice guy stuff to the neighbors) but sometimes when you give people an inch they take a yard. know what i'm sayin'.... you have every right to be there too. you ARE a considerate person. you ARE allowed to live your life there too.
best wishes.

Maybe there's some kind of meditation you could learn to rid yourself of that inner scolding voice--'you're walking!! you'll wake her up!! shame!!' Like when you catch yourself w/ such a thought, think of a beach, a symphony, a bank vault locking, or something.

Trying not to internalize others' complaining can be tough--I even sometimes catch myself having internal arguments w/ the complainers about how it none of their &%&^ business where I put the brush pile. Sheesh.

thanks to nokeysyet and housenewbie for responses.

I don't think it's that I think the apt is 'too good' for me, but maybe the apartment is not appropriate for me. Maybe I belong in a place where people are making a little more noise (within reason). I realize I miss my brooklyn apt because there was always happy noise from the street below. Here I feel like I am the only one making noise and it makes me feel alone, but also takes my anonymity away. (If I make noise and people can hear me and know it's me, it feels like they live in the apt with me and know what I am doing every second).

I have a considerate personality in general, but know I need to draw the line and not let someone else take advantage of this. I am working on it.

And in terms of meditation, the one thing I can think of is that I picture my apartment being on the ground floor with only the basement below me. If I do this, I don't worry about walking around. It works for a minute but it's too easy to realize I am pretending. I'll work on that too.

What I want to know is whether she called the police/called in the National Guard/had a heart attack/shot a bullet up through her ceiling and through your floor/etc when you were moving in, as in actually moving stuff in. I mean, if she reacted that way to your "noise" (which is just nothing AT ALL to complain about), then how the hell did she react when you had to move in your furniture/bed/sofa/desk/tables/dresser/etc? Or even If you had to move in a PIANO or something...??! Sheesh! Glad you seem to have gotten her off your back. My advice would be to just practice excellent self-care and try to reinforce in your own mind that you are and always were IN THE RIGHT in this situation, and she is and always was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, and pretty damn RUDE too. I know that sounds simplistic, but really and truly just try your best to reinforce that fact, that reality, in your head. Internalize it until you actually know and believe it. And then, you can finally LIVE it too. I mean shit, you've done nothing wrong (unlike her)... And shit! You're not even renting the place. You BOUGHT it and you OWN it. She'll ave to adapt, get over it, become a little more human, or move. That's her responsibility, not yours. Peace to you, friend.

I had the same problem. It was horrendous. We were harassed by a nut who lived below us for 4 years in our apartment building, and who called our walking "stomping". We are an older quiet couple, don't entertain at home, have the entire apartment covered with 2 layers of rugs and walk in our bare feet. Like the above, we go to bed late, but our main habits are reading, TV at low volume and getting bedtime snacks. But this was not good enough for the neurotic man below us who gradually escalated his complaints every time we tried to be even quieter, and we were already quiet - nobody in our entire lives had ever complained about us and we have lived in apartments all our lives. We never play loud music, and we as I said walk in socks on two layers of rugs, wall-to-wall rugs. In the end as we decided to consult a lawyer and fight back, he moved out! What a relief! And the strange thing is, this couple actually caused US problems beyond their harassment of us through emails, verbal complaints and trumping up complaints to the Board. Ever since he moved in, the bed we slept in had strange sensations running through it. It's hard to explain but the only apt analogy is Havana syndrome. There were odd sensory movements coming through our mattress, and interfered with our sleep on a daily basis. A couple of months before they moved, my husband finally got the nerve to question him about if he had any electronic equipment right under our bed that might be causing these strange sensations. He completely denied it and showed us their bedroom which had a work area (hidden) not quite directly under our bed. I know this person had a background in science and don't know what he was up to with his computer under our bed. I know this sounds absolutely nuts, but after they moved out these sensations abruptly stopped. I'll never know what caused these weird sensations in our bed, but they were extremely disconcerting. I never complained publicly because how do you explain this? One more thing, I was always wondering when we lived there if he was trying to intimidate us, as older people, out of our apartment, because we own one of the prized top floor apartments in the building.