Becky, I've had a tough year too. I get it, but it's time to -- in the words of my late father -- get an attitude adjustment. I hated it when he said that. ;-) I hope you will understand what I am saying and know it not said with judgment, any harsh thoughts or desire to cause you pain. Sometimes there are things e probably already know, but it helps to hear someone else say them. That's where I'm coming from -- with a desire to help you over a hurdle. I see so much to be grateful for and to celebrate in your posts. Isn't it wonderful that you found that happiness and know that life has so much more to offer you than you had before? Eighteen months is not years or decades, but it is hundreds of days -- hundreds of sunrises, hundreds of sunsets and everything in between. And what about the fact that you were married? You may be a widow now, but had you not been married, you would not be next of kin and would have had no legal relationship or rights. He could have just as easily have passed before you were married and you would have had no say on his final affairs. You did say goodbye -- you tried to save him and pull him back, then you laid him to rest when you couldn't. That's more than many people get, Trust me, even when death is years in coming, you don't get to plan the moment or the way you say goodbye. You make the most of what you get and you give what you can for as long as you can. What do you want your late husband's legacy to be? What would he want the gift of his time with you to be? Sorrow? Being oppressed by his memory as you were a previous spouse? Or joy for everyday you had together and the things you know are possible? First tings first -- stop kicking yourself. You are not God. You didn't give him the heart condition and you couldn't save him. You said some things you regret -- doesn't everyone? And don't you think the one who loved you knew that better than anyone? If he didn't then, he does now -- more than you. Most of all, I want to suggest you try to spend some time each day counting your blessings. Maybe first thing over coffee, maybe in the shower or as you get ready for sleep -- it may be the first spring bloom you saw, a favorite tune you heard, a kind word said, a checkout line that moved quickly, that you didn't get any bills in the mail -- or at east anything unexpected, hat a friend shared a happiness with you or you were able to do something for someone else. Find a few new things each day and reflect back on one happiness from days gone by, Say thank you fr each one and don't take them for granted. The events in your life may not change (maybe they will), but how you feel about them will. I bought a greeting card when I was in college and planned to send it to my parents when the time was right. Instead, I enjoyed reading it and still have it. It had a Sandra Boyton hippo on the front and he was saying he was on a new diet. He used to eat when he was unhappy, so now he only ate when he was happy. You open the card and he comments, "I haven't lost a pound, but the change in my mood is remarkable." Loved that card and it still makes me smile. Then try to reach out to others who are lonely or in need of help. There are so many elderly who need companionship, meals or assistance with simple tasks, people who need tutoring. blind people who would appreciate reading books for them or taping them, children and adults in hospitals who are bored or scared, animals in shelters who would love to be touched and loved, walked, etc. You might even decide to adopt a pet and give them a new lease on life and let them give you purrs or wags. Helping someone else up always lifts you too. You can't replace your late husband, but you can lose out on a lot of life and happiness wishing he was there. Instead, take what he taught you and what he shared with you and go apply it in a life he would be happy to be watching you live. Give him that gift - now and should you meet again. I've shed a lot of tears too They are unavoidable, and they can be cleansing. Cry when you have to, but don't let them take over. You were given a wonderful gift. Live thankfully.

your daughter is going to have a hell of a time dealing with it, I'm sure- it's hard with a person who'd been struggling. it's sometimes harder with a person who didn't LOOK like they were struggling. and because it isn't a rational situation, there is rarely a rational response to things...everything is conflicted and complicated and tends to turn in spirals. anger, fear, guilt, love, blame, jealousy, all get mixed in to it. I can offer this, though... dante was wrong, and even in the case of the most devout, imaginative, lunatic fringe devotee of brimstone and fire...the only punishment visited on the suicide is to be sat down, and have all the missed opportunities in their life pointed out, one by one. and all the love and beauty that they could not see laid out before them. it hurts like pouring bleach over ivy poison, but there isn't any of the nonsense that some religions have found so useful for scaring their flocks. you might want to clean the room. take things you can outside, and leave them open to the sun and the wind for a bit. wash the walls down (again, a bit of rough salt in the water helps attract old energies) and maybe paint, or rearrange the furnishings. add a little table in a corner for a memorial. and let yourself dream of him, healed. beyond the reach of your arms, but healed.

Amy, Are y'all of Greek descent? It must be a tradition for the Greek churches to have festivals in the fall, because when we lived in Fort Worth they did the same thing, and I think it always was in October too. It sounds like y'all had fun and the weather sounds lovely. We still have tons of grasshoppers---take a step in the grass, and a cloud of grasshoppers arises from it. Usually they are gone by now, but we are so hot that I guess they just keep on keeping on. These are newish ones that hatched after the July and August rains. We didn't have many until after the rain finally fell. Nancy, I think animals know so much more than they can communicate to us and they'd teach us what they knew if only they could make us understand. When we have a pet die, we always let the remaining animals see the deceased one, sniff it, etc. We do that so they will understand where their beloved animal companion went instead of thinking it just disappeared into thin air. I also think the animals often know when one of their animal family members is sick because I've often seen the other animals snuggle and cuddle up closer than usual to the dying animal, as if to comfort it. I absolutely think that the remaining pets grieve for a deceased one after it passes away. When our beloved dog, Biscuit, was dying, he took me down to the 'graveyard' where we had buried his much-loved companion, Sheila, a couple of years earlier. He loved on the rocks that covered her grave, he walked circles around it, he looked me in the eyes and laid down there. My heart sank. In all the time she'd been gone, he'd never done that, and he had been in a slow, steady, recent decline, so I felt like he was telling me that it was time and he was ready to go. I told him no, that I couldn't leave him out there. So, he got up and relocated to the shade of a cedar tree about 15 or 20' away, scratched out a place beneath it, and laid down there in the shade. I let him lay there a couple of hours because he refused to come up to the house with me. As twilight approached, I went and got him and told him he had to come up to the house with me. I knew he was lying down there to die, and I was afraid that if he died slowly, the coyotes would get him that night while he still was alive. I couldn't bear the thought of that. I called Tim and told him that Biscuit was ready to go and explained it all. When Tim got home, we fed Biscuit his final meal, and we gave him 2 cans of canned cat food (because he loved stealing cat food out of the cat dish) and we knew he'd love being fed cat food on purpose. He did. He wolfed down that cat food enthusiastically like the treat that it was, then laid his front paws over the dish and laid his head down on his paws to signal he was done. Tim carried him up the stairs to our bedroom to sleep, and the next morning we made the final trip to the vet. It was so hard to let him go (his photo all these years later still is the wallpaper on Tim's cell phone) but he told us as clearly as he could that it was his time, he was ready and we needed to get with the program. The vet agreed. We buried him right beside Sheila of course. So smart, wasn't he, to know he needed to tell us it was okay for him to go? Then, several years later, when our Honey developed a brain tumor, she kept taking me to the doggie graveyard where Sheila and Biscuit were buried, and I kept telling her no, no, no. I wasn't ready to let her go, and the vet wasn't sure it was a brain tumor. He thought it might be canine vestibular disorder and suggested we take our time and treat her for it. If he/we were wrong and it wasn't CVD, she'd get progressively worse and we could decide then what to do next. When it became clear it was not CVD and was a brain tumor and we knew we had to let her go, I walked her down there and told her it was okay and that we could let her go because we didn't want for her to suffer (she had just had her first seizure as the brain tumor grew). We took her to the vet the next day. She now rests beside Sheila and Biscuit. I still am in awe of those two dogs, their ability to know it was their time, and their method of communicating to us that they were going to depart and we needed to prepare ourselves for it. When Honey's son, Duke, developed heart trouble and his end was near, he let us know---he stopped going for our daily walks--he'd always loved to walk, walk, walk, and just decided he was done, probably because his heart was weakening. I guess he couldn't do it any more. A couple of weeks later, we buried him beside his mama. It sounds like a lot of deceased dogs, but all of them were old and had been our pets (and they had been one another's family) for many years. That's how we went from 8 dogs to 4 dogs over a period of several years and it was hard to lose another dog every couple of years, but they don't live forever. I think Sheila lived the longest--about 18 years and Honey the shortest--about 8 or 9 years. Jet is Honey's sole surviving child and he is 12 years old and really gray-haired now---not just his muzzle and face, but his paws, chest, etc. I wonder how much longer he'll be with us. Jersey is 10.5 years old and she was our 'baby' for so long, but she is now white haired, having skipped going gray and going straight to white. One more thing about pets. When Princess and Ace showed up together, I told Tim I was worried that we were about to lose two dogs. He asked why and I told him that God always brings us a stray dog or two, or a cat or two, right before some of the old ones die. Sure enough, shortly after Princess and Ace showed up we lost Sam, who was about 15 years old, I guess, and then Honey, only a few months apart. No new dogs or cats have shown up lately, so maybe the pets we have currently will be with us a good long while yet. Shortly after Pumpkin showed up three years ago, we lost Spotty the cat, who was 15 or 16 at the time. It is almost eerie, but it reminds me that the universe works in ways we mere humans do not always comprehend or understand. If Titan is like our dogs, he'll grieve for his lost companion too, but also will be accepting of a new animal companion. I think our dogs warm up to a new cat even more quickly that our cats do, as odd as that sounds. I know you'll miss Daff forever, but what a blessing she was to all of you while you had her. Dawn

Omar- I actually had 2 cats and the second died when he was 19 about 4 years after Chuck died at 16. I cried for days when they died. I'm tearing up now writing this and this all happened about 15 years ago. I swore off getting another cat because I knew there was no way they'd be as awesome as those two and it hurt so bad when they died. Well Dale's son spent a year in Afghanistan and we cat sat Root Beer for him while he was gone. It reminded me of all the great things about having a cat. So when a friend called about a homeless kitten she was trying to find a home for, I went and looked. I distinctly remember holding her when I decided to take her home and thinking "this is going to hurt so bad when you die." I guess that's part of the difference between having pets in your 20's and having pets in your 40's. But it's worth it. She's different than my first two, but still a great cat. We have three dogs now- all "dump dogs"- people have dumped them in the country and they showed up on our doorstep. We've fostered out at least 10-12 others over the years. I doubt I would ever buy a dog with papers- there's plenty of people looking for them at whatever price is charged. But there's thousands of rescues looking for homes in shelters. Some of them have papers if that's important to you. Why not get a rescue dog and save a life? Omar- rethink having a pet. Yes you'll probably outlive them and it will suck. But waking up every morning to an animal that has nothing but unconditional love for you is something very special. Lisa