Since you sincerely like this couple, and enjoy their company, you are doing the right thing by not letting it spoil what could be a great friendship, if you are able to roll with the flaws in human nature, that remind us that we are not perfect, and can disappoint others, when we do not really mean to. Perhaps there were circumstances they are unwilling to share. Like they got into a huge argument and neither were in the mood to go and fake it at a party. Or they are easily distracted, and are embarrassed, because they sometimes really do "forget" and are horrified. A friend recently told me that she had a dentist appointment. The dentist called and left a reminder the day before. On the day of the appointment, the dentist office called and talked to her, to tell her they were running 1/2 hour behind, so to come at 10:30 instead of 10:00. She hung up, and left to run a couple errands. She said she was thinking about other things, (a problem with one of her kids) and totally forgot to go to the dentist, even though she had just been on the telephone an hour before. She was horrified, that she could totally "forget" when she had just talked to them. And she is only 41. When she called to reschedule, the office was miffed, and charged her for the appointment anyway. She said she was really embarrassed, and cannot imagine how she could do such a thing. In regards to you being offended that they have never invited you to their home, you must understand that some people do not entertain in their home. There can be many reasons why. Perhaps behind the beautiful exterior, lurks a big mess, that would take hours or days to get in order. Have you seen the show "Clean Sweep, or the English ladies who come in when things are in awful shape? The people on these shows are often attractive, and successful in other areas of their life, but cannot keep a home in order. Many people have phobias about entertaining in their home, and do not enjoy it, or feel like it is not worth the stress and work involved. Or perhaps they do not enjoy cooking for others, because they are not very good cooks. Some people love to entertain in their homes, and others would rather have a root canal! Smile. There have been many articles written about many people who have huge fears about entertaining in their homes. So do not be offended unless you know for a fact that they entertain regularly in their home. I once saw an interview with Martha Stewart and she talked about how others would not invite her to their homes, and she longed to be invited into the homes of others for dinner. Everyone was too intimidated, because she did everything so well. They also thought she would be judging them, and it was just too stressful to even contemplate for them. So do not take it personally, unless they entertain frequently and do not include you. They may have "personal issues" you may not be aware of. Or you may just be so awesome (like Martha Stewart) that they are afraid they could never measure up. I think most people mean well, but they are human. And flawed. If you can accept them, flaws and all, you will be rich in friendships, throughout your life. And isn't that a tremendous gift? Isn't it more valuable than material riches? I have read that if when you get to the end of your life, and have one true friend, you are fortunate. But for someone able to overlook some of the flaws in human nature, and love others in spite of their shortcomings, I would imagine them surrounded with friends, and they would be fortunate indeed.

"You are right, but this is about extras, not CS. If SM feels that on top of CS and regular necessities SD requires (during her 50/50) that BM is expecting Dad (and therefore SM) to pay for extras, I can see her problem." The problem is that not only are there bound to be plenty of costs for "extras" that are going to be incurred in raising children (I mean, if we're considering anything beyond food ---but not necessarily FAVORITE food, just food--- and, like, Hanes 3-pack basic white tees as clothing and the cheapest uglist Walmart notebook and Dixon Ticonderoga #2 pencils as "extras")... but that the definition of "extras" is very debatable... "It would feel like BM considers her husband's money as separate and not to be used for her child, but SM's to be part of Dad's available income. Who would be purchasing the sports equipment if there was no SM, and therefore no item to borrow? Assuming Dad's income was the same, and his CS and custody the same, could he afford this item on his own, or would he ask BM to split the cost? (BM could use some of her CS, or ask her husband to help.)If both parents were still single, how would the item be procured?" I just gathered that there happened to be already in existence in the house an item of the kind that was required, which was not being used by anyone else at the time it was going to be needed. In that case, why SHOULDN'T OP's daughter be able to use it? Is it inconceivable that OP's daughter would loan something to her step-sister in a similar situation? Has that never occured before? I mean, yeah, I suppose that for everyone to be perfectly even and everything to be perfectly fair, there should be two of absolutely everything in the house for each of the girls, no matter how easily worked out a sharing plan may be... just so nobody feels like BM is "getting off scot free" or "taking advantage" of the already-purchased hockey stick (or whatever it is). But why spend the extra money (which Dad would be, since he's presumably already paid for half of his step-daughter's item, we can presume he'd be paying half of this item too) or insist or suggest that someone else (BM) spend extra money when there is a perfectly good item right there, which will not be in use, and which the user of (step-sister) has already agreed to lending? It's not costing step-sister or SP anything to lend it, and if it's damaged it won't cost them anything either b/c Dad & BM would pay for a replacement. The only reason would be to (pardon the pun) "stick it" to the person(s) who would be asked to pay for a second one, in one way or the other. Now, obviously, if the item is lost or damaged, or if OP's daughter will be using such an item more frequently in the future, then it's appropriate to purchase another. But to go around and imply that anything shared in the house that's an "extra" has to be purchased separately even for one-time use is just not very family-like. In intact families, no one would dream of proposing a waste of money (on anyone's part) or excessive consumption (and clutter?) of this sort as a general practice... I guess that's what I find so colossally sad in these blended family situations. That, as much as many SP's regard the situation like the SK's are "spoiled" b/c they have two households, it's just as often that they end up getting shafted b/c everything gets nickel-and-dimed and bickered over to death. And I'm not even really thinking about in the *material* sense, but psychologically... How do you think it feels growing up where every little item or expense you require as a kid is argued over, debated, and you're made to feel like you're such a source of financial burden and your parents arguing all the time and the expenses paid for are all conditional on how well you (or your mom) behave? Like someone's sitting there all "ca-ching! ca-ching!" every time you express a cereal preference that costs an extra 80 cents, or scowl ("deduct a dollar for the "extra"-nice notebook b/c of your attitude! I don't HAVE to do anything for you!")... and you may, perhaps, be in the regular presence of a step-sibling who (b/c his/her parents aren't divorced) doesn't face the same kind of nickel-and-diming, or you feel like you have to run a decathalon of requests and requests-for-requests to DARE to borrow the item of its "rightful" owner, whom it WAS procured for, presumably without much hubub... I CERTAINLY can understand the need to budget to the point of splitting hairs (b/c there's no choice) when funds are tight (but in OP's case it didn't sound like that was necessarily the case)... but when the situation is more comfortable, nickel-and-diming is unnecessary and rather depressing. Not to mention an enormous waste of energy and a veritable minefield packed chock-full of potential explosions at every little teensy turn. (Which, btw, ain't so great for the marriage, either...) Come up with a plan, an agreement, based on reality, decency, common sense, and what you think "family" should mean and general principles of what will/won't be split (or set a dollar amount limit, or an age limit, or limit the extracurricualr activities by quantity). Figure out and decide once and for all on the definitions of "extras" you and spouse agree on and everything should fall into place. If this can't be agreed upon between current spouses, it is not the ex-spouse's fault, and they shouldn't be dragged into the mess. If the CS arrangement is unsatisfactory to both current spouses, seek to have it changed instead of whining/nickel-and-diming/b.s. psychological games. If it's satisfactory to one spouse but not SP, or if expenditures just CANNOT be agreed upon no matter what, then maybe consider splitting finances. But acknowledge that it is the CURRENT SPOUSES who cannot agree on expenditures or come up with a workable plan, so it isn't anyone else's fault or burden to bear if you two can't work it out between yourselves.

2022== Childhood Trauma Therapy. NOW before they are too old and cannot be forced to go. Shrink should be expert in Cluster B personality disorders. Those who have been abused can be helped. Neurogenesis (rewiring the brain) is always possible no matter the age BUT the individual has to WANT TO GO and most don't. Save the children from main stream media and social media. They both want to manipulate your kids. It's all about the money and control. Pete Walker author of Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.

Chisue, you bring back memories! Many years ago, I used to have lunch with friends at Steak & Ale every payday. One of 'the girls', Debbie, weighed about 90 pounds soaking wet, but she ate like a truck driver. Steak & Ale had the most wonderful bread: small loaves, supposedly made right there in the restaurant, hot from the oven, fragrant as my grandmother's kitchen, with real butter served on the side. Debbie always carried her big old hobo purse on payday... & kept calling for more bread. We all hoped the staff didn't notice, & we pretended we didn't notice, but one day our waiter said to her, "You know you can have all the bread you want. You don't have to hide it in your purse."