It wasn't all that complicated Carla, so I'll list it here -- and I'm only suggesting it for someone married to a narcissist. 1. A narcissist will need to feel like he's won, so my best advice is don't even waste your time trying to "take him to the cleaners" or "make him pay," because to "win" in the traditional monetary sense, you would have to spend more time, money and emotional energy on lawyers than you could imagine. And since most narcissists are so good with their 'public faces,' you are unlikely to be able to convince the judge that they're awful unless you have aLOT of hard evidence. The differance between a "fair" and "you-win" settlement is not likely to be big enough money to change your life. So go for FAIR - not more. Go for half of the marital assets, your state's "standard" support arrangements, and a pleasant, quick, settlement. He will *need* to be able to walk away feeling like he's won. Remember that for you, walking away IS winning. 2. Since he will need to feel like he's won, find out what it is that will let him feel this way. Realize that it *might not* be anything you would even want. It'll probably be something visible - might be money, the house, the 'good' car, artwork, furnishings, even certain child custody provisions that preserve the appearance of him being a good dad. You'll need to know what he wants, and if it's something that's not particularly important to you, don't tip off your hand that you don't care about it. Again, it's not so much that he needs to win -- it's that he needs to be able to *feel* like he won. Let him "win" something visible, and make a loud and visible show of him winning-you losing. (You know how much he likes that.) 3. Deep down, most narcissists feel really lousy about themselves. At some level, they feel they are worthless frauds, and this is why they work so hard to buff up their public images. In my opinion, their greatest fear at this point in time is that you will somehow reveal to the world what a fake they really are. So don't do it! This will be very difficult because you will probably have years of pent-up anger at your abuser, and venting that anger is cathartic. But make a list, build a file, gather your evidence and ammunition -- anything that would embarass him to the world and invalidate the picture he tries to paint. (sexual performance issues are biggies, social embarassments, career slights) Then sit on it. Tell him that all you want is a FAIR settlement with no mudslinging public trial that allows you both to walk away with your DIGNITY, SELF-RESPECT and PRIVACY intact. Let him act like it's you who would be embarassed if all your secrets came tumbling out, because that's important to him. But realize that if you expose him to the world as a fraud (like the world cares!), you've blown your best weapon. That's my two cents --

Nope. The shoes remain in my closet. DH got another text from grandma... this time all sweet & nice since being nasty didn't work... telling him to have SD wear them back & they will keep them there for her to use. At this point, they've made such a big deal over those stupid shoes that it makes it harder for me to give them back when she does earn them. I really want to avoid the appearance of BM or grandma being the reason SD got her shoes back. That is what really pisses me off about the whole situation. We are trying to teach a lesson & they are too wrapped up in fighting with us to see that. If they are going to undermine everything we try to do, I've been inclined to ask DH to let BM have custody so it can be her problem. BM is teaching SD how to behave, but then complains when she misbehaves at her house. Our influence goes out the window when BM tells SD that what we say doesn't count. One thing I noticed when going through all our court documents from the past four years is that when DH asked for support & BM started making accusations that I am abusing SD, she also said SD was doing terrible in school. This was just toward the end of SD's 1st year with us when she was finishing 3rd grade. In reality, SD was actually improving. She had problem at the beginning of the year, I think because she was so devastated that her mom moved away. But, I worked with her a lot throughout the year & she was doing pretty well that year. When we pointed out she was actually doing better, BM's argument that she needed custody because we weren't helping SD with school went out the window. Coincidentally, when SD came back for 4th grade and immediately began failing. Five months later, she admitted to her counselor that she was failing on purpose so her mom could win custody of her. Hmmm, I wonder where she got THAT idea? I could have argued a little harder & gotten him to give me the money Judgment, he had no legal basis to deny it since she admitted she wrote it and offered absolutely no justification for it. It wasn't about the money at all because I would not likely ever collect on it anyway. It was about her being told what she's doing is wrong and hoping that by having a Judge telling her, not us... that it might sink in. That's two Judges in two weeks that have told her. She still told the Judge, in a tone like I was the bad person, how SHE put her phone on speaker while I was saying bad words to her and her kids heard the commotion & came running in to hear it all. She really expected the Judge to admonish me? Her attitude was like "how dare Ima talk to me that way in front of my kids!" but the rest of the world can put it together that SHE put the phone on speaker, knowing what I was saying... SHE left it on speaker when the kids came in & she allowed the kids to keep on listening because she wanted the kids to hear how bad Ima talks to mommy. What the kids heard was Ima telling mom to "be an F-ing mom to your kid!" and if SD has a problem with me for that, then I can live with that. I have only tried to do what I hope is best for SD & while I probably should have hung up when BM got on the call, I feel I said stuff that needed to be said & it was in standing up for SD.

I am not being used as a chauffer or babysitter. I offered... it was my decision. I saw it as helping the two of them see each other more often. But I guess then I didn't realize the harm that it could be doing. As for mom, she is kind of a strange parent. It seems as though a lot of you women have a strong maternal instinct and wouldn't even let your DD SM pick your daughters up. However, BM has asked if I could pick up her daughter (we meet in the middle of our houses) because it was more convenient for her to drop her off at that time. If we don't accommodate her schedule she often tells us then she won't be able to drop her off at all. She's never around to receive her daughter either. Most of the time dad brings her with her grandparents because mom isn't around. This weekend was a perfect example. Mom told us she would receive her daugther at 6pm on Sunday. She called and told my BF that she left town and wouldn't be able to pick her up until Monday sometime, and that either she would pick her up with dad at his work or mine. HAH. So dad didn't go to work in the morning because mom decided she had better things to do than pick up her daughter, and he ended up bringing his daughter to her grandparents because mom wasn't answering her phone. Sometimes she leaves to the beach for the weekend and decides not to come back until Wednesday, leaving her daughter with her parents, and no one to bring her to school. Not very motherly if you ask me. As for our relationship, it's fine. I am not getting involved in baby momma drama... we see each other, say hello, everything's cordial, then we talk about the girl, say goodbye no name calling as far as I know etc. I never say a bad word about her mother to anyone.. ever. As for my bf we met 11 years ago in the US. I came here to Mexico to be with him a year ago. Maybe I use the term soulmate in a way you don't understand. I know I could find someone else if I wanted to. I don't. I'm here to stay with this man and this girl. We may not be married but we are committed to each other as if we were. We are talking marriage... and it will happen some day. What else... oh to answer a question dad and mom divorced when daughter was 2.5. Sooo... 1 year and half before I showed up into the picture. Their relationship sounds like it was verbally and emotionally abusive, probably from both parts but she also sounds like she was physically abusive towards him... but never to their daughter. Dad never had a serious girlfriend after that before me. I don't think dad ever introduced any women to his daughter before me either. But I don't know that for sure. As for the bed thing, I know. Dad and daughter used to sleep in the same bed before I arrived. I think it's weird. So when I came into the picture and she was over on the weekends, dad had daughter sleep in the same bed as us. I put a quick stop to that. NOT OK. I expressed to him that it's uncomfortable and he talked with her, though I don't think he really understands why it's a problem. He sometimes asks if she can sleep with us still... I don't understand why. As for this weekend little girl was throwing up and had a bad temperature in the middle of the night so she came into the bed in the early morning so dad could keep an eye on her. I didn't think it was inappropriate in that case. I don't want to be an in your face sm. I honestly feel like dad is trying to force the situation and really I was over doing the favors just to try and get to know the girl and make it easier for them to see each other... to be nice. I know that I need to back off now. Anyways I left and did my own thing on Saturday and part of Sunday and when I came back things were much nicer. I think the girl does like me when she wants to see me, but I was around too often and intruding on daddy daughter time. Today she was very talkative to me, sweet... gave me a little kiss goodbye and they left. I think I found my answer. I agree with the playing house thing being a rush, I'm not moving out now... so I have to find other ways to fix this. To answer someone's question it is not the house of his previous relationship... and when I say house I mean apartment.. a small one. I think it's kind of hard to stay out of each others business when we are all there... leaving is probably necessary to give them proper alone time.

First, please understand that loads of 20 year olds fail at taking actions to foster close relationships with their family members. They are still so in the me-me-me stage at that age that they (usually) don't think about others. The "out of sight, out of mind" mode is really common at that age. That she interacts fairly well with them when face-to-face tells me that there's no maliciousness on her part that is causing her to ignore them the rest of the time. So, I suggest that you teach her how to develop relationships with her siblings when she's long distance. Start by telling her that you want to be sure that she doesn't miss out on the joys of sibling relationships and that the five of them can be such great source of support and love for each other over the years if some effort on everyone's part is taken, including her. Give her a calendar of everyone's birthdays and email/call her a 7-10 days in advance of each birthday for a couple years to remind her that the special date is coming up so that she can get a card in the mail. Be sure that the other four kids do their part to recognize her birthday, too. Then, state that you want all five to start celebrating each other's good news. Share news of the four's accomplishments with her. Encourage her to share her news with them. Facilitate by holding Skype or FaceTime sessions once every month or so. This will help them all to get to know each other well and to develop the habit of supporting one another. When all five are physically together, plan activities so that it's just not a lot of sitting around. And, if you can afford it, plan annual family vacations so that the five can build memories together. Fly her out to visit your home and do things in your city as often as you can also. Definitely don't ignore this situation any longer, but be patient -- it'll take several years for all five kids to be as close as you want them to be.