I just read this post and wanted to respond. I was interested in the responses that you recieved V. Some were helpful. I have a few thoughts on this subject as well. I found it amazing that someone would have the guts to post that if you can't feed them don't breed them. As if by asking the question about how to prepare for the future, you are not doing your duty. It sounds like you are doing a great job feeding them, if you will, and are now looking toward the future. Good for you. I also found it interesting that the debate came down to a pick one scenario for everyone who did respond. You are crazy to pay for their college and not take care of yourself or you are selfish to take care of your retirement and not help your kids. I put forth that you have set two goals and want to know how to make both of those goals work. Without knowing more about your financial situation, no one can tell you how to do this or if it's possible. What I will tell you is about myself. I am a stay at home mother of three. My husband is ten years older than I am. He wants to retire in his early 60's (62 at the latest). Our children will just be going to college at about the time he wants to retire. I want to pay for college for my children. These are both valid goals. We gathered all of our information together and went and paid 400$ to a financial planner. It was the BEST thing we ever did. We are not rich. But we thought it was well worth the money to have someone help us look at our overall financial well being and help us draw some basic predictions (conservative predicitons) towards the future. He looked at our insurance and our finances. We found out we probably needed more disability insurance, if something were to happen to my husband, there is no way we could have held on to the house and made things work, even if I went back to work. We found out that we were doing fine with retirement and needed to think about college funds. I have the peace of mind now, knowing that if my husband were to die or get injured we could keep the house, maintain our style of living and be OK. And I won't have to go to work. That is important to us. We can retire in our 60s but it will most likely be age 65 (instead of 62) and pay most of our kids college expensis. I would strongly suggest that you think about going to a financial planner. Pick one wisely but know that they are worth the money in my book. Some things to think about- you can save for the local state university and your child will end up in Harvard. Then what? For us, we decided to save as much as we could towards helping our children get a basic four year degree. If we have enough to pay for their college, great. If they go to Harvard, Yale etc- high expensis, they will have to work and get student loans and scholarships. Or you will save for college and they won't go to college. Then what? This is one reason we have not put anything in their name that will equal a large chunk of money that will be theirs at age 18. Although they are adults at age 18, we know that they are still young and still lack the in depth decision makign skills they might need. We would hate to see our money spent on a nice car at the expense of college. The choice will be theirs at that time. What college to go to? How to help pay for it- live at home, work, not go? They will be well on their way to adult hood and able to make decisions that impact their future. Even now, our children are encouraged to save for college. (ages 4,2,5 months). We take any gift money sent to them and put it in the bank in their name. We give them a small allowance and help them split it up to tithing, spending, savings (my 2 and 5 months old don't get it yet, but they will). We are setting a policy now that any money they get in gifts at least 1/2 will go to the bank. This will be their money towards college and other expensis they may have as they grow and leave home. (Down payment on a home? Down payment on an appt? Down payment on a car? college?) The other thing we did- we took all of our money (except for a little bit) and put it in our accounts. We have not seperated out college vs retirement vs a big wedding. We figure it is all ours and if something comes up that we have to spend it, we want to be able to do so with out feeling like we are spending our childrens' money. WE earned it and we want to use it the best way we need to at any given time. You just never know what will come up (accident, job loss, etc.)... So it's in one big pot with our name on it (except for a very little bit). Closer to college time we will sit down and figure out where we stand- how much we have total, how much we can help each child out with college, how much we need for retirement etc. Then we will help our children. It is my belief that we had these children and along the lines of if you can't feed them don't breed them- we want to help them along in their adult hood the best we can. It seems a shame to force them to take on student loans when we will hopefully be in a position to help them if not pay for their college totally. I have some personal reasons for wanting to help my children through college based on my history. But there you have it. On the flip side though, we do not want to hurt our retirement or not retire to help our children. As someone posted earlier- $30,000 at age 30 is easier to pay off in the long run than the same debt at age 60 on a fixed income. I maintain that there is probably a fine line between these two goals that you can walk. I would put forth that with some research and budgeting, most families can be in the position we are now in. It's not ideal- we scrimp a bit and we don't do everything (many) of the things I'd like to do (like move to a huge house, go on more vacations, fly etc). But I feel good about where we stand. We know we can take care of ourselves and our children now and for many years to come. We know we can retire and help our kids through college. A 529 is a great option. We have one for each child. There are other options- roth iras, coverdale ira, schwab accounts, drips, etc. You get the idea. This is one reason we went to a financial planner. He helped us untangle the information and then backed off and let us make the decisions that we felt were best. Good Luck. Ginger

This one was on the table at a book club potluck last week. Everyone raved and wanted the recipe. I'm going to cross post in new recipes. Zucchini Pickles - Heidi Swanson, 100 Cookbooks There are quite a number of ways to play around with the personality of these pickles. Sometimes I shave the zucchini paper-thin, resulting in a whispy tangle of pickled zucchini and onions. Other times I want my pickles to have a bit more bite, structure, and definition. In those instances, I slice the zucchini thicker, perhaps 1/8-inch, and let them drain as long as possible, sometimes overnight refrigerated. Also worth noting, when I make them for our personal condiment stash, I used a brown natural cane sugar. It gives the pickle liquid a brownish cast that, quite frankly, weirds people out if they don't know what is causing it. So, if I'm making the pickles to bring to a BBQ or something, I'll make them with regular organic cane sugar - one that is lighter in color.
 3 medium zucchini (1 pound / 16 oz / 450 g), thinly sliced
 1 medium white onion, thinly sliced
 3 shallots, thinly sliced 1 1/2 tablespoons fine grain sea salt 
1/4 cup (small handful) fresh dill sprigs 1 small fresh red chile pepper, very thinly sliced 1/2 tablespoon yellow mustard seeds 3/4 cup / 180 ml cider vinegar
 3/4 cup / 180 ml white wine vinegar
 1/3 cup / 1.75 oz / 50g natural cane sugar 
Toss the zucchini, onion, shallots, and salt together in a colander and place over a bowl to catch the liquids. Cover the bowl and refrigerate for at least a couple hours. Toss once or twice along the way. You're aiming to get as much liquid out of the zucchini as possible.

When you're finished draining the zucchini, shake off any water. At this point you want the zucchini as dry as possible. Place in a 1 liter / 1 quart jar along with the dill, chile pepper, and mustard seeds. Alternately, you can cram them into a 3/4 liter Weck jar like I do, but it's always a bit snug in the jar. Combine the ciders and sugar in a small saucepan over medium heat. Bring to a simmer, stirring until the sugar dissolves, and continue to boil for a few minutes. Pour the liquid over the zucchini and seal the jar. Let cool, then refrigerate. The pickles are good for a week or so. 

Makes one large jar. Prep time: 120 min - Cook time: 5 min Here is a link that might be useful: Quick pickled zucchini

we have thunder parties. when there's a storm coming, i get a whole bunch of yummy treats and we play a game...every time it thunders, i get up and dance and sing the thunder song (something i just made up with silly words. you know..."we LOVE thunder! YAYYY THUNDER!!!). and then every single time it thunders, i pop a treat in their mouths. my dogs are SO food motivated, it's easy to get their attention. the more i sing and dance (thank GOD i live alone and don't have neighbors!!!), the more playful my dogs get. they have almost come to enjoy storms instead of cowering behind a chair or trying to both crawl up in my lap. a total of 340# of dog doesn't fit me so well. having them happily anticipating the thunder/treat routine has made storms a pretty blah thing around here. it's actually kinda fun, even if i have to listen to my horrible singing voice!!

This is a very tough situation to be in. It is very disturbing to hear of the sexual abuse and the dead puppy. If I were you I'd be very concerned this boy doesnt have alot of contact with your young daughter. Unfortunately many abused victims do in turn become "abusers". Seeing as though you have tried counseling and everything and nothing is getting better,I can understand how you feel about wanting him in foster care. Can I ask...did it come out in counseling that his mom sexually abused him? If so,then have charges been pressed against her? It sounds as though she has had alot of men around too,and any of them could have abused the boy also. Of course your husband may blame himself.He feels he should have protected the boy from this ever happening. Still,my number one priority at this point would be making sure this does not happen to your daughter. You never said how old the boy is? I also do not see how DFS can tell you that you cant spank your kid. As far as I know spanking is not illegal. I'm so sorry that being a stepmom has turned out this way for you. I think for our own biological kids to do things like this is bad enough,but when step kids do it we feel more powerless in the situation. Is there a grand parent,or a aunt or uncle the boy could stay with? One that maybe does not have children who wouldnt mind being a sort of MENTOR? Hopefully you will get some more great advice from others in the forum. I can mainly only offer my sympathy...