Wow, that's scary and amazing at the same time (scamazing?), Jenny! Glad to hear your basement was ok, too. What the heck was with the water lines that day?? Brenda

Iamamommy, I am so sorry that you have experienced so much in so little amount of time. There is nothing to say to make it go away. I am a member of another grief forum where I get a lot of support. My 30 year old son died almost one year ago...I've been having a terrible time and without the support of the people on the website I think I would have already lost my mind. If you are interested, go to www.missfoundation.org and they will ask you a few questions in order for you to become a member. At this place, there is no blame, nothing but support and compassion for what you are going through. You can say what is on your mind and likely someone will have gone through something similar and can offer some advice, support or comfort to you. Again I am so sorry for your loss, and that your grandson has lost his mom and your son has lost his wife. I hope you find some peace. Tammy

I'm a 28 year old only child (not a parent yet, so I can't speak from that perspective).Here is an inside perspective of the good and bad of being an "only". One thing I will concede, is that a child with atleast one sibling probably does develop better socially. I've always felt rather "socially awkward" around peers w/few exceptions,and tend to relate better to older people. I don't see it as a negative, but just the way it is. I was never the "bratty" type, I suppose because I was taught good manners. However, I do NEED privacy. I never had any desire to live in a college dorm for instance. I just couldn't handle someone always being present/no personal space, sharing a bathroom, etc. I have not married yet, I suppose a husband would be the exception, though even then I'm sure I'll need alteast some time/space to myself. At the same time, I also lack the concept of "divided attention", so I dont do well in groups, tend to only go out with one friend at a time, and usually have few friends. I suppose I get a bit obsessed in romantic relationships, and even in platonic friendships,can't understand why I'm not someone's "best friend." I have gotten better handling this with age, as I realize that most ppl don't want to feel suffocated. So, I guess I'm one extreme or the other, I either want total alone time, or I want your undivided attention (as I always give my attention undivided). There is also the issue of caring for aging parents one day alone (mine are divorced yet...), though siblings don't always guarantee help with these things. So, those are the biggest quirks/negatives, but otherwise, I feel it's a good thing and wouldn't want it any other way. Being that my parents are working class ppl, I know I have a ton more materially/financially then I would if I had siblings, however i'm sure not as much as "kids" from wealthier homes have. I also received a ton more attention growing up, and was quite overprotected, which when I was a child felt was a negative, but now I see it's bc my parents love me so much, and if anything happened to me, they have no other children. Well, I hope this provided some perspective, good luck regardless of your desicion.

See...I totally disagree when parents "encourage" the child to do one or the other. I suppose if I were more of a "step-mom" it would probably be more insulting to a "real" mom. The truth of the matter in my situation is that BM doesn't act like a mom and never did. Even when she was with my husband, she used sit home and email/text all her ex-boyfriends while my husband worked 3 jobs so the kids could go to daycare while she sat home "looking for work" as she called it. He later learned what was really going on and after learning of the occasions of cheating, finally gave up on the marriage. (Yay for me!) Now, at almost 30 years old and a mother of 2 children, she lives with her parents and younger brother in between his many transitions (and her parents pay for everything for her from food, gas, car and insurance to alcohol, cigarettes, and tattoos - she doesn't even work!) She pawns the kids off on her mom and my in-laws any chance she gets during the 8 weeks she has them. When they were in her primary custody, she NEVER signed them up for sports or activities, encouraged friends or playdates, partook in any arts/crafts/activities with them at home (let alone anything educational!) Instead, she used to sneak off to the basement to smoke pot with her brother and father and avoid them altogether. There were multiple neglect issues from not being fed or bathed, to not getting medication for an ear infection; and the youngest was even burned by a cigarette next to his eye! We called child services on her and were about to file an emergency custody order when she decided that we could have them if she didn't have to pay any child support (in the first go-around she actually tried to get us to pay her during the 2 months she has them!) We have a temporary order lasting 2 years (because she didn't want to rewrite it a year later) but we are fighting to change custody as soon as they are back with us in 7 weeks. My husband and I have them for 10 months straight without a dime of support from her (and no visitation) and I am a stay at home mom to them (aka chef, maid, taxi-driver) and do ALL of the things for them that she is not capable of. If they see me as more of a "mom" than she is, that's her own fault. If she put half the effort into mothering that she did into trying to get everything for nothing, she could be "mom of the year". I guess in my situation (which is why I say all of our situations are different) I truly feel that she simply carried my children for me (they even look exactly like me and nothing like her.) I understand how a child having "2 moms" could be insulting to a biological mother but the truth of the matter is that just donating an egg doesn't make you a mom. Adopted children don't call their parents by their first names. If I were an every-other weekend warrior with these boys and SHE did everything I do, than I could see the harm of it. But as far as my family, friends, and even the youngest's therapist sees it (and says it)- I AM the mom. BTW, he sees this therapist because of concerns about sexual abuse and inappropriateness in that house as well as for the damage his "mom's" behavior has caused emotionally. BM herself has said that she is fine with them calling me "mom" and went as far as to say that she was concerned about my DH when he was deployed (we're military) because he is the "father of our children." She doesn't want the work of being a mom, she just wants the title and to hang their pictures up on her myspace and say "look what I made, aren't they cute?" so I think she's actually grateful for me. Even if she wasn't OK with them calling me "mom", my answer to her would be "then step up to the plate and ACT like their mom." But like I said, that's just my situation.