Nope, you're not the only one who practices politeness. I watched Captain Kangaroo too ;-)

I have a feeling that I use both Yes, please and Yes, thank-you. So for me there must be a situational difference but I'd be hard pressed to come up with examples.

Personally, I think that there can never be enough "pleases" and "thank yous".

I think I mostly say 'yes, please', as in 'please do', since I haven't received it yet, then I say 'thank you' when I have, but I'm sure I've said 'yes, thanks' too.

Either way is much better than neither, IMO 🙂

I use both as well. And I go further and say it for someone who is oblivious to pleasantries, making sure they notice. :) Probably obnoxious on my part but it really bugs me when people do not say "please" and "thank you". It's so simple to do.

I think Yes, please is short for Yes, if you please. So I don't find it an odd use of please.

I think of it as yes, please do what you are offering. Is that the same thing?

“The only times I say "please" are when I'm asking for something….”

please may i take you up on that offer.

When I was in high school I worked as a bus girl at a reasonably high end restaurant. In addition to clearing dishes and remaking tables, I was responsible for refilling water glasses and asking if they wanted more bread. I worked very hard, and the waiters/waitresses loved me because I did most of their grunt work. It paid shockingly well, especially for a high school kid. (I got a small cut of the tips along with an hourly wage - I left at the end of every night with a wad of cash.)

I also never felt so invisible in my life. I was surprised how many people would ignore me when I asked if they would like a refill. I was polite, I did not interrupt conversation - I would stand there with a smile on my face...and far too many people would ignore me.

As an adult I go out of my way to acknowledge wait staff, and I can guarantee none of them care how you say yes or no - just treating them politely puts you above a whole lot of other people.

Anyway, after revisiting that little memory (LOL) - I believe I generally use these phrases as TV outlined.

@Ally De - I always go out of my way to acknowledge and thank all staff politely. But really, no need to ask me if I’d like my water refilled. If anyone at the table is approaching or below half full, go for it. All of us!

It's a little off topic but I do wish the wait people would ask before bringing another glass of whatever I am drinking. It's usually pop and one glass is enough but if they bring another one, I usually end up drinking at least part of it. But if they would ask, I could say no.

We are all working on the grands about manners. We are using yes please, and no thank you. 2 and 1/2 year old even says YEF Pees

Completely off topic, but @ladypat1's comment reminded me of a 2-year-old I saw recently at a family event. She was giving people hugs and would finish one and then say, "Who's next?" Cracked me up.

"To me, please is a request, and thank you is the response to something offered or given."

I've said "yes, please" or simply "please" when someone offers me something. These are generally social situations, like a waitress in a restaurant offering me a refill.

Please is a request, as you noted. If what you're telling someone is not optional (i.e. it's a directive), the word please should not be used.

I used to tell my (healthcare) interns that you should never write the word please in your order sets. You're issuing a directive, it's not a request and staff must comply, and using please diminishes your authority. Example: Never write "please order XYZ....". Instead, write write "Order XYZ...". A lot of my female students struggled with this, I was constantly correcting them, but not the male students.

The same applies in a business-type work setting. I never use the word "please" when I'm telling someone to do something and it not optional. There is never any confusion over what's a request and what's a directive that way, there is no "out" for them if they don't comply, the directive cannot be miscontrued as a request if the word please isn't used.

While I understand your reasoning, porkchop, I strongly disagree. “Please” is all about tone, not about whether something is a request or a demand. My landscaper texted me yesterday, asking me to please mail a check to his business. Had he simply demanded I mail it, I might have needed an extra week or two to buy a stamp.

" the directive cannot be miscontrued as a request if the word please isn't used. "

Yes it can, because language is more than word choice, and because communication takes in both the deliverer and the receiver. Tone and body language play a part, as do history, expectations, and power differential between the parties. There are many times when a request is not a request, and when a demand is not a demand.

I may say "get this for me, please" to a staff member and it's technically a request, but it's clear that the consequence for not fulfilling that request will be disciplinary action or firing - and it would be no clearer if I didn't say "please". It's still a request, but it's a request with significant consequences if it's not fulfilled.

I may demand that I get an appointment at my salon tomorrow, without the word "please", but it's really a request because I have no standing to demand such a thing; in fact, I'd be more likely to get an appointment tomorrow if I asked rather than told the receptionist to give me one.

The devil is always in the details.

Yes, the devil is always in the details but I stand behind what I say -- please indicates a request with no requirement to comply. I'm referring to a work setting here, not getting an appointment at a hair salon. And IMO the word please when issuing orders (as in a medical setting) diminishes the provider's authority. It's just how I see it, you can disagree with that all you want. I want the students that I train, especially females, to be looked upon with the respect that their education, skills, training, and licensing demand. IME it's women who over-use the word please. To be clear -- I am a woman.

How about this senario. I object to parents giving their child orders to do something and then decorating the order with please and thankyou. They think they are teaching manners but from my perspective they are weakening the meaning of those words. Wouldnt it be more honest and I think better training to teach them the difference between an order and a hopeful request? As a literal child I found hidden agenda messaging very confusing. Learning to give orders in a polite way is good training vs having to figure out what is meant.

Geez porkchop - I adore you and still feel badly about your tree. 😆 However I strongly disagree with your reasoning here. Kindness and respect works best (and I will argue is only sustainable!) as a 2 way street. And of course context matters too. In a written record perhaps brevity is best....sometimes.

But I lived and died by emails in my professional career, and you can count on 2 hands the number of times I needed to truly strike a stern tone which needed to be devoid of please or thank you.

To be clear, I ran several programs in private industry and had roughly 18 direct reports. And absent a very compelling reason, please and thank you were often said by me to them, and were heartfelt. Good people deserve respect regardless of supervisory authority.

"And absent a very compelling reason, please and thank you were often said by me to them, and were heartfelt. Good people deserve respect regardless of supervisory authority."

You won't get disagreement from me on that. I would also argue that showing respect goes far beyond simply words. I have had supervisors use please and thank you that showed a great deal of disrespect in multiple ways (including toxic positivity). Work relationships are complex and often quite nuanced.

The two examples I cited from my own work life were pertaining specifically to written communication -- perhaps that wasn't clear in my post.

(p.s. I'm glad you still adore me -- back atcha! But my poor tree...)

If you are a boss who says, ”Please have these reports to me by 5pm,” and someone interprets this as optional, then that disrepect towards you is rooted much deeper than you having said please.

There are ways to convey a stronger emphasis on the deadline without omitting please. ”Please have the reports to me no later than 5pm.” Like it or not, as much as you consider it a demand and you might dole out punishement for failure to act, it’s STILL a request. Because you want/need that report on time. Or you want your child to clean up their room.

Since the topic of gender was brought up, I’ll point to the unfortunate cliché where a tough male boss is called tough, and a tough female boss is called, well, something else. I’m not suggesting there’s not a legitimate societal issue in that, but I might suggest that omitting a simple nicety with the intention of wielding authority, might feed it.

"...I’ll point to the unfortunate cliché where a tough male boss is called tough, and a tough female boss is called, well, something else. I’m not suggesting there’s not a legitimate societal issue in that..."

Agree. There's definitely a societal/workplace issue at play here; this is an unfortunate truth.

"....but I might suggest that omitting a simple nicety with the intention of wielding authority, might feed it."

Here's where I disagree. Women do themselves and other women a disservice by not being clear and direct in communication; it needs to be normalized like it is for men. Using direct, clear communication is not tough, mean, rude, or whatever negative word you want to attach to it, whether it's by a male or a female.

For example, "This report is due by 5 p.m. today" is not mean, tough, or rude -- it is simply a statement that the report is due by 5 p.m. today. If I yell at you or say I it in a nasty tone then it's mean; if I tell you this and it's unreasonable for whatever reason (maybe not enough time) then it's tough; if I say it with snark and roll my eyes then it's condescending; if I tell you it while you're on the phone with a client and throw the folder on your desk then it's rude, etc. The statement by itself is none of things, though. I think you get the point here -- it's all in the delivery of the statement.

What about a direct "I need these by 5pm"? There is no question about the request/order.

"I need these by 5pm"

To nit-pick -- YOU may need them but I don't and I might have other things to do that take priority. I should hope that the relationship is such that I would feel free to clarify ("I have a high priority item I'm working on, can it wait until tomorrow morning or does it take precedence?"). Besides that nit-pick, how the spirit of what you suggested different than just saying "These are due by 5 p.m.?" I don't think it is. As a general statement, if a female said either of these, she is by far more likely to be labeled negatively than if a male said it simply because she was direct in her statement and didn't fluff it up with please, thank you, I appreciate it, etc.

" ”Please have these reports to me by 5pm,” and someone interprets this as optional, then that disrepect towards you is rooted much deeper than you having said please. "

Exactly, which was my point - it's not just about what words you choose. If they disrespect you, saying "get these back to me by 5pm" would be considered optional as well.

" And IMO the word please when issuing orders (as in a medical setting) diminishes the provider's authority. It's just how I see it, you can disagree with that all you want. "

And, as a medical professional who has worked with and trained new grads, I do disagree with you. I will instruct and encourage them to stand up, look people in the eye, don't apologize, and don't ask questions even with the tone of their voice, but the specific word choice is the least important communication tool in achieving and maintaining authority, IMO. You can disagree with that all you want :)

I am a woman too, and I have to frequently encourage both staff and new grads to stop apologizing (it's a Canadian thing). I never encourage them to stop being polite - even in a professional work setting.

Shocker - I also thank the staff for their help when I leave at the end of the day. It has never resulted in my being disrespected or poorly thought of.

"I will instruct and encourage them to stand up, look people in the eye, don't apologize, and don't ask questions even with the tone of their voice, but the specific word choice is the least important communication tool in achieving and maintaining authority, IMO. You can disagree with that all you want"

I agree body language/nonverbal communication is important when communciting verballs; very important. What I disagree with is that words are the least important choice. They're not. Words matter -- you actually alluded to it in your statement "don't ask questions, even with the tone of their voice"

Regardless, in my post up-thread regarding orders, I was referring to written orders in the chart, and I maintain "please" does not belong in an order.

"Shocker - I also thank the staff for their help when I leave at the end of the day."

What does that have to do with being clear and direct in communication?

ETA: BTW Yes I know sometimes I get fluffy and/or rambly in posts. My excuse is I don't work with you all :0p (the board is an outlet for us, after all)

I love hearing Please and Thank you and I do use "Yes, please", "Yes, Thank you" and "No, Thank you" Can't think of a time when I would use "No, please", but I may say "No, please don't" bother or "No, please don't" make a fuss . . .

The No, Please kind of needs the don't for it to make sense, where Yes, please is kind of like shorthand for Yes, please do.

Sometimes, "Yes, Thank you" feels more appropriate - "Do you want me to hold the elevator for you?" - " Yes, Thank you" as you are stepping into the elevator. You are thanking them for something that is completed or "Are you warm enough?" - "Yes, Thank you" you are thanking them for showing their concern.

If being asked "Can I fill your glass?" - "Yes, please" ( Yes - please do) followed by "Thank you" when they have finished filling the glass feels right to me. I am requesting with a "please" and acknowledging their kindness with a "thank you". Saying "Yes, Thank You" would feel a bit lazy to me. I would hear my mom in my head sayint "Remember to say Please and Thank you". It never felt like she was saying to remember to say one or the other, but to say both.