Thanks to all who have shared on this thread. I too am an estranged mother from an adult son. I used to be the one saying to other estranged parents that they must have done something wrong to deserve it. No child would ever willingly want to cut off good, caring, loving parents. Then, it happened to me and I was in shock and disbelief because I am always the one OTHER people turned to for help with their children. I am a therapist, after all, and I know about interpersonal relationships - right? I spent my whole life teaching others "how to do it correctly and in a healthy way"! How shocking and shameful it was when this happened to me! Not me!! How and why could this happen?!? The past five years have been grueling to say the least. I do understand the suicide attempts by some and the difficulty moving forward with life. I read everything I can find from children who have cut off parents to try to figure out what I can do to fix it. I read the comments by those on this thread that tell us what we have done wrong. So, I have apologized repeatedly for anything and everything I have done to make my child hurt. I have repeatedly reached out to him as have multiple family members and his best friend and other friends to try to heal the rift. Every time I reach out, there is some new reason he and his wife are hurt. Some of the things they accuse me of are not true. I know they are not true because they are about how I feel - that I don't really care about them or that I don't really love them or I behaved in a certain way because I wanted to disrespect them. I can honestly say that all I want from them or anyone is to have a nice time and to love each other. They misinterpret everything I do. I still apologize but only I know how I really feel and what my true intentions were. They can't tell me that. Still, I apologize. Finally, my husband and adult daughter and other son told me to stop apologizing. They said it was making it worse and not better. They saw my pain and desperation and helplessness and it was destroying them. So, they told me to stop because they could not take the pain. So, I stopped. With regard to what CJH Design wrote about gravitating toward pleasure and away from pain, I will say this. My parents have not been easy to deal with. They are controlling and focus only on themselves. I am expected to do everything for them and they still complain. No matter how much I do, it has never been good enough and they always expect more. I have tried and tried to make them happy and I have become a major people pleaser and caregiver in my life, sacrificing everything for the wellbeing of others and especially my family. My father is older and my mother has died. I take care of him every day and it is very difficult because of how critical he is. It is not pleasant to be around him most days but I still do it. I don't do it because it is pleasurable. I do it because I love him and that is what love is. It is unselfish and it is giving, even when it is not easy or pleasant. I also remember how many times I did this for my children when they were difficult to deal with and it was not at all pleasant to care for them, give up dreams that I had, deal with the pain of their behaviors, and work full time to support them. I could have left them and gone out for more pleasurable times when I was young like some parents do instead of hanging in there, parenting when it was very difficult and certainly not fun to deal with temper tantrums, snot, sickness, and endless needs. Not fun at all. Parenting is the most difficult job on the planet and it takes a dedication to stick with it and not run from it toward a life of fun and pleasure. I believe that being unselfish and giving to others is an important value and I try to do it in my life. I also have empathy and compassion for my father because of what he has been through in his life, which I won't go into because it would take all day. I would never dream of cutting him off. My heart hurts too much when I think about the pain it would cause him. I could never do that to him, no matter how he treats me. He does not have to be pleasant all the time for me to be around him, care for him, and stay with him. I think that is what love is really. Another example: In my work I go into jails to help people in trouble with the law. I hate being locked in when I go to jails because I have a phobia. I get paid very little and the courts are not nice to me. It is definitely not pleasant. I don't do it for the pleasure or money. I do it because I want to try to help and because I believe that doing things that are right is not always easy. People do things for pleasure but I have found that meaning and purpose can come out of things we do that require a willingness to set our own desires aside for someone else or for a greater good. This is what I have learned from my estrangement from my son: Karma: I recognize there is a lesson in this for me. What am I being taught by the universe? I have struggled with this long and hard and I think I have learned that I needed too much from my son. I think I relied on him to make me happy because of the difficult relationship with my parents. I need to let him have his own life and make his own decisions. I need to move on and figure out what I need myself and not rely on him so much. I also think I learned that I have been too critical and judgmental of others in my life. I need to try to be more understanding, compassionate, and less focused on who is right and who is wrong. Money: I gave my son everything he ever needed. I paid for his degree, paid for him to travel all over the world, and paid for several cars, and for anything else he needed ever. He now has a good job and is making far more than I ever did. I had to work several jobs to give him what he needed. He does not need my money now but the rift did seem to be about money as far as I can tell. Here is what I have decided I need to do to find meaning in life: I am going to use the money I earn and have to give to others in the world who don't have anything. I am going to travel with organizations that help others and use my money to help them. I am going to give of myself also, because that is more important than just giving money. I am going to try to improve the things for other people around the world who have far less than any of us. That is going to give me meaning and purpose and is something that I always wanted to do when I was raising my children. My daughter has indicated that she wants to do this with me and she shares in the vision. It gives me so much joy and pride to have her with me on this journey. I hope that some day my son will come back and have a relationship with me and with his family. His sister and brother are very angry with him and he does have a spouse that encouraged the cut-off from us. I hope that we can heal eventually but I am not sure if he even values his family at this point. What I have learned is that it is his decision and I must let him figure out his own life and not expect him to be there for me. I can accept this now and I am starting to have some peace so I must be on the right track. Life is a struggle and we all need to work to figure out what we are supposed to learn about ourselves. What you all have written in this thread has helped me a lot to continue figure things out myself.

My own father died at age 55 (mom was 53) and it never occured to me to think that my mother should spend the rest of her life alone, while she has never remarried (her choice) she has had a SO in her life for 21 years (he happens to have been my father's cousin who lost his wife six weeks before my father died). Dad and mom had been married 33 years. Is it *you* the daughters object to, or would the idea of any woman still bring on such anti feelings? If the males sons think it's okay, maybe they and your partner can have a long deep discussion with the daughter/sibling and help them through dealing with the fact that the girls are being pretty selfish in their thoughts. You don't say if the daughters/sons are married are not, but it would be a good point to ask the children at their now young age "if your spouse died tomorrow would you plan to spend the rest of your life alone and single"? If it is money/estates they are worried about, there are always pre-nups that could be considered if that would be something that prompts their anti feelings. It is wise that both the gentleman and you realize that if you continue your relationship that a different home is best, it's one less thing for the daughters to get hung-up over and it will truly be *your* home. Could the idea of being uprooted from the home the still athome daughter is in, part of her worries? Have you and her dad discussed where/how the daughter will live if you sell the current house? Are the girls worried over what happens to mom's things if the home is sold? Any of these things may or may not be fueling their feelings with the anti. Dad pretending you don't exist with his daughters and pretending they don't exist with you, can not go on forever, that is not a solution and is unfair to you and all but puts you on a standby mistress status.

I wouldn't use the word "wrong", but I would call it perhaps short-sighted and lacking in awareness. You seem to have no idea HOW or WHY the problem between your children, your husband and yourself developed. Why is it that you don't have any insight into this? Have you ever tried counseling or even a good heart-to-heart with any of your kids? have you sat down and pondered what might be underlying their distance? (I'm not presuming you haven't, I am just asking.) The children you gave birth to are too important (and not just them themselves, but to YOU as their mother) to not probe this deeper. By insisting that you delve int the source of the problem, I am not necessarily assuming that your kids have a great reason for keeping their distance from you and your husband. Their reasons may range from completely valid to terribly selfish, or --if they're like most people--- some combination or somewhere in between. They would certainly not be the first children of divorce in blended families to have such mixed feelings, or to find it hard to connect with their role in the newly blended family. They also wouldn't be the first to have some unresolved anger, or an attitude about it, not necessarily because you or your husband have done anything so awful but simply because of the fact that their family is not what it once was. Often, unfortunately, this kind of deep-seated upset can manifest by the kids choosing ---consciously or unconsciously--- to keep their distance, knowing no other way to effectively deal with feelings they may not even fully recognize in themselves. You are asking for a reasonable amount of consideration from your kids, but I would ask on their behalf for a reasonable amount of consideration on your end as to what their underlying needs and feelings might be. I don't know your kids, but maybe you don't know them as well as you could, either. It's possible they truly are despicable oafs who are no longer worth your time or consideration. But wow, what a thing to say/feel about your own kids. Is that really how you want it? I doubt it, or you wouldn't be on here asking about it. I might also ask you at this point what sort of input your husband and stepchildren have on the matter of your kids. Do they encourage you to explore the issues or seek counseling or literature on the subject of blended families? Do they express any empathy for what it may feel like to have been in your kids' shoes, post-divorce? Are they welcoming when your kids are around? Basically: are they a force for trying to build bridges or do they encourage you to build walls? Again, I am not assuming they are or are not one way or the other... just that this can have a big impact on the cohesiveness of the blended family and either ease or exacerbate tensions and distance...

Thank you all for giving me advice. The SD does work part time as a hairstylist. She did go to school for it and does not have her license yet. When she first moved in, my DH (her Dad) told her the BF could NOT move in. He told her that before we moved her stuff in and again once she was settled in. When he told her again that day she said "What?? BF can't stay here too??" He said "No, I told you that! He is 27 and has been in and out of jail and I don't trust him in my home!" Well, she was ticked. So, she said, "Well, I'll just leave my stuff here and we will go over to Mom's to sleep at night". So, that is what they did for a month or so. (DH did not make her pay rent right away) So, after a month or so, DH said "Well, your BF can spend the weekends here only" That went on for another month or so and then the BF had to go serve some jail time for some fines he hadn't paid. So, he was gone most of the summer. We only charged her a small amount to stay here while he was gone. Then he got out of jail and my DH said "Well, he can live here too as long as you pay rent". The rent they pay barely covers the cost of the utilities they use a month. It doesn't cover the cost of the phone, cable, wear and tear on my washer and dryer let alone the inconvience of having them be here. My DH does not let me have a voice in any of these things. I am VERY assertive and I do make him aware of my opinion but in the end he just tells me I need to stay out of it. Here is an example of what happened yesterday: BF left for work (a co-worker picks him up for his job since he has no drivers license) Then SD left for her job. I had a paid day off from work. So, I go downstairs to their "area" and I take a quick look around. In the 9 months that they have been in this house I have only done this 3 times. My DH and I do want to make sure that things are not broken down there or filthy. So, about a month ago I had left them a note to please clean out the frig and clean out the shower-it was disgusting. Well, I looked down there yesterday and not a thing has changed. They totally blew the note off. So, I went and moved all the bottles of shampoo, shavers and etc in the shower to the middle of the shower so they could see how gross it was. There was actually mold growing under everything. That is ridiculous! I have no desire to make them do their dishes or shampoo carpets or whatever-cause I don't want to nit-pic, but some things have to be handled. DH got home from work and we went out to eat. We came back and SD had an envelope on our kitchen counter that said "DAD" So he opens it. She wrote a note that said: Dad, someone was in our bedroom today because the over head fan was off and we always leave it on. Also, someone put all our stuff from our shower in the middle of the shower and I know it's dirty but since we pay rent 'no one' should be snooping in our stuff" So, DH looks at me. I said "Yeah, I did look in the shower and put the stuff in the middle, I told you it's moldy in there but No, I did NOT look in the bedroom" So, he goes downstairs and speaks to her. He comes up and I said "So, what is the verdict? What did you say to her?" He looked at me and said "I don't want to be a referrery between you two". So, he left it at that. He did mumble something about how he would "look at the bathroom in a few days" God, how lame. I have no voice in this crap. No matter what I do, I'm the "bad guy". If SD thinks I'm not going to inspect that area now and then to make sure nothings broken or disgustingly filthy she's got another thing coming!! Yes, my DH and his Ex are at fault for not raising them they way they should. He Ex always wanted to be her girls BF not a Mother. DH got sick of always fighting with her about how she would let them off the hook when he grounded them for doing something wrong. So, after a while he gave up and didn't punish them at all. He knows he is at fault for not standing up to her and doing the right thing.