i envy those of you who have the privilage of doing it your own way.

Hope your DH's dark aqua truck wasn't too conspicuous.

Ha! Imagine this color with a little bit of sparkle.

As close as I could get by memory. Happy to say no photos were ever taken of his truck.

Very interesting to read how we each do our thing.

I realized reading this over that I did not mention that while I did pretty much all the decisions and selections for our kitchen, we had already established some of the changes we'd make such as the type of sink. When I couldn't decide on a countertop, DH came with me to the granite yard and I showed him a few of the potentials. He immediately selected one which has been great.

Also when putting in vinyl plank flooring, I showed him a few and he selected that ( from the ones I had brought home).

For the master bathroom, we had already determined that the shower needed to be bigger, and that we both feel a single sink vanity would work better for us than the existing double sink.

So I don't totally go off without consulting.

If I have a hard time picking something,, and I really am fine with any of the selections, I will ask him to pick.

I 'm going crazy with the paint selections but they are all rather similar and I know he will not see any difference...(he's not color blind, but just not really "attuned").

^^😂❤️😂❤️

That's funny, Allison!

I love that dark aqua truck - aqua/turquoise is my favorite color, and I also like trucks that have sparkle in their paint.

I think it is great that so many people share decorating with their SO's - I think that indicates a higher level of compatibility, as well as willingness to compromise.

Neither of my parents were good a decorating, and so I did most of it for them, once I was old enough. After finishing my design degree (for which I had moved to Texas temporarily), I renovated the main bathroom in their house, and I did it in a 1980s style color scheme of red, black, and white, plus some gray.

I designed the 4x4" square wall ceramic tiles in a pattern that resembled a crossword puzzle (which my mother loved) and had a rectangular red tile border at the top and sides. I picked out a very subtle silvery Chinese style wallpaper (from England) for the upper part of the walls that had a tone on tone bamboo pattern that was visible only because of the texture of the wallpaper and looked different depending on how the light hit it. I also went to Japantown in San Francisco and bought a couple of Japanese masks of women to hang on the walls

My father hated these masks and said, "I don't want Chinese women watching me take a bath," and he would take them down every time I put them up. I told him that they were Japanese and not Chinese, and he said, "That's even worse - those are the people we fought in WWII." I ended up taking the masks with me when I moved back to California.

My parents were never that compatible, and I definitely was never compatible with my father. When I lived in San Francisco in the 1970s and early 80s, most of my roommates were artists and had compatible tastes with mine, including musical tastes, which I considered very important. My parents had opposite tastes in music - my mother liked opera and classical, and my father liked C&W, which my mother hated.

This has been an interesting thread!

We're a good pair and for the most part make the decisions together. Over the years we've joked that he sees the forest, I see the trees. I'm fortunate that he is involved. We've built 2 houses, renovated 2 more and he has been invaluable in all these undertakings. I spend far too much time reading, researching, checking reviews, making notes and visiting showrooms.

He has an innate eye for color which has been helpful when selecting paint and fabric. I'll look at paint samples until my eyes are crossed and he can pick the right shade quickly. DH is far more creative than I am - he has designed jewelry, planned additions to 2 homes, sketched landscapes, sings, paints and cooks. He's also knowledgeable about construction and mechanics.

I'm adept with kitchen design and worked with the cabinet companies in planning our kitchens and choosing appliances. DH originally wanted a Wolf range and thanks to this site I knew to avoid the chipping blue enamel. He's thrilled with the BlueStar that I showed him.

We've been in this house now for 7 years and I'm still pleased with how it turned out.

I guess being 'lucky' depends on your SOs taste and how far off it differs from your own. Ours has always been pretty in sinc. I chose my spouse well!!

@Elmer J Fudd Very interesting observation. With all due respect, I had a different take on the majority of the responses. That is, that most of the couples sharing a home, bring their innate strengths and talents to the home project table. The most important part of any project is the planning & logistics. I thought most replies revealed a good amount of joint participation with each partner contributing their talents & or skills as needed. Even with smaller projects, the issue of ”too many chiefs” could be a problem so I suggest that the reason so many have success with their home projects is the frequent behavior of one partner deferring or offering compromise to the other. I prefer to think of ”…the old fashioned and stereotypical domestic relationships…” as a fair and equitable division of labor - when done properly of course. A wise person once told me - relationships are always 100% but they are never 50% / 50%. I learned that was good advice to remember. 😊

My DH is involved in every decision. Every single one. It used to annoy me, but now I love it because he really does have excellent taste. And he really cares about his surroundings. Like salonva, we are doing a master bath renovation. In the process of purchasing products for a mid April start date. He goes with me on every shopping trip and spends significant time searching for things on line. He has more patience for the on line search than I do. I tire quickly if I can't find it. He's like a dog with a bone and will do an exhaustive search.

Thankfully, we have very similar taste so decisions are usually easy. Our shopping styles, however, are very different. I see something I like and want to immediately purchase. He likes to 'look around more'. This also used to make me crazy in the beginning of our relationship, but almost every time we found the same item for less money, or we found something better. I've learned to be more patient.

One example that my friends to this day cannot get over about how much he cares (all my friends' husbands could not care less) -- Early in our life together, I needed a new tea pot. The kind that will sit on the stove top. I was at a store one day and they had one I thought was OK and it was very inexpensive. Purchased and brought it home. He hated it. Absolutely hated it. Declared he cannot look at it every day. Ha! Fine, I returned it and we found something we both liked. So you get the idea of how involved he is.

@Elmer J Fudd

I commented that I don't ask my dh's opinion when working on a project or with decor. Years ago he purchased a set of power tools for me as a valentine present. I have told him many times that those tools unlocked the beast in me💪😂. OTOH he can barely change a lightbulb without incidence.

Cooking is his domain. He announced last week that he would no longer be cooking white or brown rice. He has been researching red rice and that will now become the staple in our home. I couldn't care less what kind of rice is here as long as I am not responsible for cooking it. If I am responsible for the rice it will be the frozen variety at TJ's. 5 minutes and done. I am happy with whatever he serves. I cook with the primary purpose of staying alive. He cooks for the taste, art, and creativity of it all.

I think most couples fall into performing the tasks that they are most interested in and comfortable with. There is no rule that I cannot lay tile because of my gender. Likewise I deem my dh pretty sexy prancing around the kitchen (with cabinets I refaced and painted) in his apron and Speedos. The costume adds to the flavor of the rice and makes the entire meal more satisfying 👄.

I guess you might say our roles are reversed.

Interesting, Elmer. I think some of the confusion is that when I said "in your home projects" it was because there is no plural for the you. So I meant as in the shared house one lives in, how involved is the other person who lives there with you.

I do think your observation about stereotypical roles, is , from reading the replies here, holding true for decorating..

A number of adjectives come to me but the one that immediately fits is that many of you seem to have old fashioned and stereotypical domestic relationships as regards what's expected of and done by men and what's expected of and done by women.

In relationships, whatever works for the two adults involved is what I say. My DH has been the primary caregiver (albeit with domestic staff), since our 3rd was born. My friends applauded, saying he is more "maternal" than I am. And he is. He is also a pretty serious ice hockey player. The division of "labor" in our house is based on interest and aptitude, not gender. That said, being a product of our time, we both tend to have learned interests and developed aptitudes along traditional gender lines. The good thing is, like most people today, we feel free to examine, and then accept or reject that.

Gosh Elmer,i didnt take it that way at all. the question says ’SO’ not husband. There were some males who also answered. In our household, chores and whatever are a joint venture. Yes, thats pretty much whatever works for the two of us.

The truth is, the majority of responses on this thread are women! Elmer you know that as a regular on The KT!

This thread was written by a women who knows the majority of responders, as do I, and they are women. Our regular male contributors, Lars and Pal, always follow the flow seamlessly.

I don’t understand why you continuously derail conversations with your rhetoric. It is tiresome and always negative.

" The truth is, the majority of responses on this thread are women! Elmer you know that as a regular on The KT! "

Yes, of course, Of course. Does that mean that everyone's domestic and household lives follow gender-stereotypical roles that prevailed in the 1950s and earlier?

My reaction would have been exactly the same if it had been a thread of predominantly male comments saying that they watch football games on weekend days while their wives cook, clean the house and take care of the children.

I did not take the responses as stereotypical 1950s at all. In fact, I think the exact opposite. Many of the responses are that the male of the household is extremely involved in decorating decisions which is contrary to stereotypical 1950s households. It also seems to me from reading here that most folks' households are not that stereotype at all.

I can tell you that I, the female of the relationship, watches football while my SO, the male of the relationship, cooks. I can also tell you that he changed a heck of a lot more diapers than I did back in the day. But I do 99% of the cleaning. He's a better cook and I'm a better cleaner, so it all works out well.

jsk - well said!

Each person was talking about THEIR SO. What holds true in their relationship. Sharing what is happening in their specific household, not society at large!

And your reaction to hearing men speaking that way of their female partners would be what?

Not to overstate the case, I just feel sorry for people who feel that way strongly enough to speak about their partners so unkindly.

If my DH said, ”I made this potting bench from scratch. She’s not very good at math”…. it wouldn’t offend me in the least. It’s true. Not unkind at all.

And I sure do love my potting bench.

If he said, ”She’s a stupid idiot woman who can’t do math, like all women, so I have to make everything myself” … THAT would be offensive.

It’s all about context.

Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses.

I see no disrespect towards partners here at all.

I was following your point to an extent, Elmer, but you quoted me with

"we both have recognized that visualizing is quite far from his strength".

I am discussing decor and projects. I fail to see how that is sexist or even unkind;

It's a stereotype I've heard before. You haven't?

It's a stereotype I've heard before.

Not really, in fact I recall the opposite -- that men have better spatial-visual intelligence. I specifically recall that researchers posited this could be because of their greater physicality especially in youth. E.g. if you are physically interacting with your environment a lot you get better at visualizing.

Simply put, visual-spatial intelligence is intelligence associated with the ability to easily perceive visual trends, conceptualize shapes and objects, and interpret images and diagrams. This type of intelligence is commonly found among those who excel as architects, artists, and engineering.

Two of those are traditionally male-dominated fields.

@ Elmer J Fudd, there are stereotypes and there are truths.

After the 50's and 60's stereotypical housewife became the working woman most women continued to take care of the home and family along with working a job. Men continued to view themselves as the primary breadwinner and didn't pick up the slack.

Over time, men have begun to do more around the home, but often refer to doing the dishes or laundry as "helping" their wives. It is still her job and he helps even though she works just as many hours outside of the home as he does.

I do see that some of the young men today (my younger nephews and the husbands of my younger nieces) are much better at being partners and sharing in the responsibility of managing the home, but this is a fairly new phenomena.

Time studies of married couples show that women do far more hours of housework and family care than their male partners.

So if the men don't take on the responsibility for managing the household, or do equal amounts of work they don't have much say in how the household manager - chief cook and bottle washer - wife - decides to manage the household projects. He can help her, just like he helps her when he washes his own clothing.

The last comment was just for Elmer - he likes turmoil, so I gave him something to be upset about.

My own experience is that every person is unique and every relationship is different. We have to figure out who is best suited to doing the many tasks that running a household entails. Some people are better organized than others, some are better at managing money and some are better at picking colors. Some couples sit down once a week and pay bills and go over the finances together and some have one person who pays the bills and manages the finances and tells the other person how much money they can spend and then there are the couples who each have their own money and split the household bills.

My ex wasn't interested in the inside of our home as long as he had a comfortable chair to watch movies, an office and a comfortable bed. When I met him he had an efficiency apt. He had a roller blind on the only window in the place and a solid navy bedspread on the bed and a navy recliner in front of a very nice TV. He had unplugged the fridge and had never turned on the stove. He saw no need to run up his electricity bill running a refrigerator when he didn't cook or keep food in the house.

He was okay with anything I wanted to do. He didn't pretend to be interested, didn't want to shop for furniture or pick colors or fabrics. He also was not mechanically inclined and didn't know how want to learn how to fix anything. I did most of the home repairs and when I couldn't do something I had to hire someone. He was not a bad husband or a bad person, but just had no interest in our home.

My current SO does stuff around my home every day and he doesn't live here. He mows my lawn, shovels my driveway has cut down trees and pulled out overgrown bushes, put my toilets and faucets in, fixes whatever needs fixed. He likes to go furniture shopping and gives me his opinions and points out things he likes. He also likes to watch HGTV or DIYTV. If he doesn't know how to do something he will get one of his many friends in the trades to come over and show him or help him fix whatever needs fixed.

Two different men, two very different personalities and two very different interests.

True story- when I was a young woman, first apartment, I let the guy I was dating know I wanted and oriental lamp for my living room. I was thinking something like this:

Christmas morning I opened this big box that was under the tree and found something very similar to this:

The owner of a local Chinese Restaurant helped him get an authentic oriental light.

I kind of like both the lamps. Maybe not in the same room.

My husband could not decorate himself out of a paper bag. This old house is all me. He has no opinion on any decision and is actually colorblind. I designed our kitchen over 20 years ago and love every aspect of it all these years later and would not change a single thing. In fact, after the blinding white kitchens with granite counters, I am seeing my kitchen appearing on HGTV shows. Thankfully both my kids don't take after their dad. Both are creative and artistic.

I don't enjoy baiting the troll but I know some people do and I'm okay with that but he would actually go away if he was ignored.

I do more of the decorative aspects and DH does the "engineering" as that was his profession. He is color blind, but I find that helpful in some instances as his color blindness lets him see differences in shades and tones I can't see when looking at paint colors.

DH has incredible visual-spatial skills, whereas I have had him teeter on joists raising and lowering a ceiling pendant because I couldn't visualize it.

We just got back from visiting DD and SIL in their new to them home. DH installed a new exterior door and cut through plumbing to install a water filtration system. DD was enthusiastic through many big box trips and decisions; SIL seemed bored out of his mind. DD grew up with these projects, SIL did not. SIL simply lacked many of the prerequisite building skills required for him to be helpful and DH didn't have enough time or doors to teach SIL how to use a hacksaw and how to install this door. I think that sometimes our lack of interest in an area can reflect that we just don't have a competency, and round it goes.

I agree that we are influenced by and often unaware of how our childhood gender expectations have influenced and molded our interests. Initially, I asked DH's opinion on few decorating choices. I do so regularly now because, unlike my visual/spatial sense, his exposure to those questions has resulted in a shared decorating interest and fluency. Decorating requires skills and they have to be taught and learned, no matter the initial interest level. I also think it's fair for a person (ahem, me) to monitor whether they're guarding competency because they want control.

i am reminded of the time i redecorated the living room in the house i shared with my first husband. while i was hanging wallpaper, he volunteered to paint the window trim. i jumped at the chance because i knew it would be tedious work and i'm really not fond of painting anyway.

he gets the ladder out and prepared to do what i thought would be such a helpful thing. as he's painting, he's mumbling and i'm wondering what the problem is. i look over and i see him dripping paint all over the carpet, totally missing the tarp i had put down under the ladder. when i called it to his attention, he blew a gasket and exclaimed rather loudly that "i didn't go to (expletive deleted) law school for 3 (expletive deleted) years to become a (expletive deleted) painter!!!" next thing i know, the paintbrush left his hand and flew across the room as he stormed out. THAT was the END of THAT! 😂

my second husband (may he rest in peace) was a builder and had his own business. when we were redecorating our home, he was there every step of the way happily helping me pick out wallpaper, fabric, trim, everything. he did it all with a smile on his face and a level in hand because heaven forbid a picture on the wall might be a bit crooked or the stripes in the wallpaper weren't perfect. 💗

I agree that we are influenced by and often unaware of how our childhood gender expectations have influenced and molded our interests

Until I was 20yo I grew up in a furniture store family, but I did not realize I was influenced more by my father's decorating than my mother's. While she would buy something for the house here and there, and accompanied him to market to furnish several homes, it was my dad that did the floor planning and selections. I did not realize the extent of what he had done on his own in their homes until our house build was finished and they were building another second home nearby. Dad came over when I was trying to figure out the fireplace area furniture in our great room, and he started talking about his choices for their new house and how my mom wasn't interested in helping. Never had been. She would get excited about and love the results, but was not involved as much as I had thought.

Growing up, Mom taught me how to use small tools around the house, rewire a lamp, refinish furniture and more. Once I was married, my knowledge grew learning from DH during remodels, additions and repairs. I was more ofteh than not his right-hand man during these. Dad was good about buying tools, but not using them.

He might be slightly color-blind, but his knowledge and DIY ability (teaching me through doing with him) has been priceless.

""He would never come to me and say, hey, I was thinking we need a new coffee table and I found this one, what do you think? (I would probably make him a dr appt if that happened.)"

Elmer, sexist or not, that's funny as hell right there.

I'm a bit of a sexist myself in the sink replacement business. No way do you drill faucet holes where the male of the household says without SO confirmation.

"I can't believe my wife went with the subway tile backsplash" said no man ever.

I usually ask my DH his opinion but he seldom has one. He cannot visualize the finished product from a floor plan and samples. He doesn't get functionality. Unfortunately neither one of us has a natural sense of style for decor. I struggle every project to pick out finishes and decor.

We have renovated a few houses and built a couple commercial projects over the years. I'm usually the owner GC and DH just waits for the finished product. To be fair, I grew up in the commercial construction industry and my parents flipped houses for years so I have more of a background. To my DH's credit, he backs my decisions and is always appreciative. He learned very early on that change orders are very expensive! LOL

I miss having Hot Topics ... I didn't participate in it ... but its disappearance made some people "homeless" and they are now regular squatters in other forums! ;-)

VgQn and I make a Great Team for home projects. I'll do the technical stuff and she handles the everything else. For example, With the help of 2 friends I built, wired, plumbed our new addition to the house, she planned out and found the new washer & dryer, double tub stainless steel sink, various cabinets, tables, flooring, and several other amendments to make it a functional addition. Below is just example in our addition below where she found an old dilapidated Hoosier and I repaired it...

vgkg, that is beautiful! Wow!

Love the crab. :)

This picture and the previous one I posted is so funny because this is not his toy. It is my other dog's toy and I had taken her into the walk-in closet for special alone time and while we were in there he went and got her toy. He never touches her toys and they're in a basket in the living room. But I came out of the closet and heard a squeaking noise.

We had a 10 minute standoff and then I went and got my phone and a pork rind which is on the edge of the red chair. Eventually he went for it and I grabbed the hedgehog!

To give an example of my husband's ineptitude for household tasks. In our previous house , I wanted to put wooden molding around the foyer. He measured the room and said he'd add two inches just to be sure and he was short by over an inch.

Bumblebeez - your dog’s expression is hilarious! It’s evident he knew exactly what you were doing in that closet with ”her”. 😆

@lily316 - He knew what molding is and how to measure maybe (kind of) and was short by less than several feet? Did he install it?

My ex got frustrated when I had an extension cord that was one that you had to twist the top to insert the plug. He threw the end of the extension cord on my lap and walked out of the room while telling me to plug the damn thing in. I was building something and wanted to check that the lights worked before moving on to the next step.

He exemplified the term "mechanically inept".

I should have known when we were engaged and I was visiting his parents home and their toilet wasn't working. I saw his dad going upstairs to fix the toilet holding an 18" long screwdriver. His dad came back downstairs and told his mom that he couldn't fix the toilet and she needed to call a repair man.

The plastic part where the chain attaches to had broken so the flapper wouldn't lift. I was the hero when I knew how to fix it.

My DH’s involvement consists of ”what’s wrong with what we have and what is it going to cost,” followed closely by ”whatever you spend I’m going to spend an equal amount on golf/hunting.” And then ”I hope you have someone lined up to do this because I’m not doing it.”

When the project is all finished, he will say ”oh did you have that fixed/changed/painted?” Or he will brag to his friends (not me) “my wife had thisthisandthat done and it looks good.”

🙄

Beginning with my dad in the 1950's, he had no patience to do any fix it or update it jobs. That was established early. For some reason, when it was time to paint the living room, he jumped in a was excited about a mint, institutional green. Mom painted it, and it stayed that way for years. My husband would try fix it things and end up throwing tools. He was not interested in decor. In my many years of singleness, I gradually learned to approach things needing to be fixed slowly can do some things. I believe I am fairly good at decor, as friends as me for advice and want me to go with them to pick things out. My SIL never learned fix it projects, but he is a superman when it comes to cleaning and laundry. I'll take my SIL every day!

Some of these most recent comments seem to shine a light on odd conclusions to reach or people with odd personalities involved.

I think extension cords with that safety feature have puzzled more than a few people on the first encounter just like other child-proof items. Who gets mad at an extension cord? It has nothing to do with a lack of mechanical knowledge, the reaction is a lack of adult maturity and temperament.

Saying "you spend money on the house, I'm going to spend money on myself"? Who says or even thinks like that? Very odd.

Thinking that a parent's lack of basic home ownership common sense somehow predicted the same odd problem with their son? A lack of intelligence may be an inherited trait or the lack of sensible conduct in the home may have an effect, to a point. But really?

Sorry for those who experience such things, these are not examples of normal adult conduct.

"not examples of normal adult conduct"

Poke, poke, poke. Insert eye roll emoji here.

I like hearing how different everyone's experiences and partnerships seem to work in relation to home projects. How different skills, backgrounds, and interests shape how we and our partners get involved in projects within a shared home. Very interesting.

Home projects and yard projects are usually my idea and desire, so I take the majority of the responsibility for decision making, payment, and execution. My husband is often uninterested in being involved, and sometimes to the point of just really not wanting me to bother him about it. I do try to get his input and opinions since he does have a good eye and because I want him to be happy with the outcome. Nearly all of the remodeling (at the old house) and the few yard projects here, I've done the majority of the labor, tiling, light fixture installation, painting, planting, building a flagstone patio, etc. Sometimes I will ask him to help when the job could use a second pair of hands or more muscle than I can provide alone. Occasionally he'll jump in to help without being asked, but not often. For the most part, my husband isn't really interested in decorating or making things look better. He's generally happy with the end result, but how a room looks just isn't important to him. I do always try to take his needs into account (such as height for furniture purchases, etc) and his tastes (not too many florals or patterns) because I believe it's important that our home is comfortable for both of us. And that's a big part of why I try to get his input. But he has zero interest or patience for going to any kind of stores to shop for flooring or furniture and I try to respect that as well.