When we built our last home, I never mentioned it to my relatives. But, when it was listed for sale, my sister sent pics of it to our mother as proof that my family did not have a need for any inheritance and it should all go to her and her family. I resisted the temptation to comment. Our mother, sadly now gone, made no changes.

Nothing brings out the green monster faster than an obvious, even if unintentional, display of bourgeois accumulation.

Some "friend" you have there.

It's jealousy.

There was an old, and long, thread about this exact subject. Probably worth reading.

If you are totally house poor after the last 4 years, then your friend might have a point with her comment, specially if you have made comment about how expensive everything to do with construction is these days. Just mentioning that there might be two sides to this story.

From that old thread, the bottom line was that most friends were bored with your build after a few months and it was better to keep comments about it to the immediate family or that one rare friend that was into design. Many people came to this forum during their build to share good and bad with others that were also building and could commiserate. For many this is the only place were they could talk about it.

My mother is very into design and even her eyes glazed over once in a while when I went on about different choices!

Thats too bad. Although I know that feeling. We lost our house to a forest fire. Lost everything we owned. And didn't have insurance. We had to rebuild with a bank loan. We previously had no house payment, we owned outright. When we had to rebuild it seems some folks felt we were given something. When we had to go into debt again, and without those special items that meant something to us.

We are currently building our retirement home, out of pocket. Everything except sheetrock has been purchased. We do not need debt. We worked very hard to make it to this point in life. And even family members don't seem to want to help. We, I pretty much have to do everything. I do have the skillsets and have gone to college for 2 years for RHVAC. So familiar with all aspects. And I ran a custom woodworking shop for 10 plus years.

I can't tell you why. But can empathize. Be proud of your accomplishments ! You have worked hard to get to where you are at. And you should be proud to talk about your accomplishments on your home. You can not control how others think, don't let them bring you down. Be happy about your life and how much you have been able to do. It doesn't matter if you are building a million dollar home or self building out of pocket. It's your home, enjoy the experience ! And you stated your last build. Us too.

I would say that you are very blessed to be able to make claim to your success in life

Go on nice vacations and come home to a nicer home.

We restored a 1955 Carpenter Modern (American Shelter : An Illustrated Encyclopedia of the American Home by Lester Walker) ranch house. Our closest friend's attitude went from bewilderment to amazement.

Yep. People don’t want to talk about it or know about it really. Partially jealousy, partially busy and just don’t really care lol. We ended up making a private group for sharing info with our parents who did want to know. Friends feet happy once we were in the house and love celebrating events here with us. I’m grateful we have a big home to enjoy with them all.

If you give out your address with the date and time of the house warming party, you will have automatic best friends that will supportive of your build. The better food and drink you serve, the better the new friends.

Thanks for your replies, everyone. This house is an upgrade for us. Its not mansion by any means but we went from renovating a 1920's home that had ZERO CLOSETS and storage to this brand new home. We will have a higher mortgage than we're used to so we won't be going on any vacations for a while- but I'm happy to have a home I love that is functional for my family. We haven't spoken of it much to anyone unless they ask and I'm reluctant to host a house warming party. I guess people will think what they think. @keen B you hit the nail on the head there. Some people want it all-and thats totally OK. We'll get the vacations eventually but for now, I'm so excited for my home and to start creating memories there.

I will still supportive of your build, even without the housewarming.

It's difficult, but sometimes you just have to do what you need to do and ignore the comments. Even if they're supposedly your friends.

I don't see the negativity in your friend's comment, and don't understand the assumption almost everyone on here has about it being jealousy. Your friend prefers spending money on vacations to spending money on her house and said so. You prefer spending money on your house to spending money on vacations. Some people eat steak and lobster and drive mundane cars. Other people eat rice and beans and drive fancy cars. Everyone chooses how to spend their money, and it isn't because they're jealous.

Glad it’s an “old” friend.

Maybe after 4 years she’s just tired of hearing about it .

I remember that old thread and came away with this advice:

1. If I ever build a new home, I should keep it under my hat as much as possible. 48% of other people don’t care about hearing about my good fortune.

2. Also, 48% of other people will resent my good fortune and will deliver withering and/or hateful comments about it.

3. 4% of other people are genuinely happy for me, until the second or third time I complain about all the choices I have to make and how much it costs to build. Then they’ll turn into the people in #2.

@bichonbabe she never heard about it. She heard the initial conversation that it was going to happen and once I sensed her attitude and disapproval for my choice- I learned my place and I never mentioned it again. I do not and have not discussed my build with anyone, unless they specifically ask about it.

@catbuilder its negative because instead of being happy for me she went right to how its a bad choice. I never asked for her opinion-she just gave it. Which is why i never brought it up again.

It's just like new parents gushing over their baby and the childless people are like "ho hum, move along, this is dull".

I have a teeny farm with horses so people think I have money but the truth is that I have a teeny farm with horses so not only do I not have money, I’m exhausted.

We just finished our dream home and I kept all comments and thoughts right here. :) Isn't that why we're all here???

The place to go for sharing the good and bad before/during/after your build are the monthly building threads on this forum. These are the people who will understand every emotion you are having during that time.

I'm blessed to have our family close. Our 2 kids are our neighbors. And having them

always willing to help all that they can. And our son is currently adding a 28x40 addition on to the home they built 7 years ago. On an acre of land we gave them as a wedding gift. We have each other's back. Literally, I will need him to be in the attic between trusses and blowing in the fiber cellulose insulation. 2 2" Near R 65-7 0. So a few hours. And then help sheetrock the lid.

Today I am plowing an area to stack the trusses that will be delivered later today for their new home. In our front yard. Family is great. Some family. Glad we have kids. Other family seem to not want to be bothered. Too bad. Society has changed a lot.

Also blessed to have a good friend who will help me install 200 TnG pine boards for the cieling on our remote cabin. So not everyone is the kind of person that gets negative. Still a few folks that can be proud for others hard work.

So yes we have friends and family that are supportive of our build. But not like life was like 4 0 years ago. Society changes, and the internet let's folks take cheap shots from folks that don't know the whole story. Glad I still remember mom telling me. If you don't have anything good to say than don't say anything.

I will say that I'm proud for you and all the work that it takes to take a project like building your own home is.

it's j-e-a-l-o-u-s-y

You will enjoy your new home not matter what your friend said, but I know it stings. You wrere smart never to mention to her again. You cannot change the way someone else feels when it comes to this.

We buiilt a custom home in 2005. We always swapped Thanksgiving and a day around Christmas with DH's youngest brother and his family. First year in our new house it was my turn in November. Everyone came, seeing the house for the first time. December rolls around and no phone call from my SIL, so we hosted again. Next November, they were refreshing their kitchen (not a remodel), so we hosted a third time. They were an hour late arriving. My SIL and I have never been close or our children either (age difference), so I did it for him and his brothers. I decided to stop hosting the Christmas gathering after the next December. Six years later I was still hosting each Thanksgiving. Then I mentioned in front of DD2 that I did not understand why we were not ever getting invited to their house. DD2 said on our second year in the new house she was told by my SIL that we were never going to be invited over to their house again. While we did not have a close relationship, we did get along. I had never said anything negative about their house, and would never, so I just moved on, and DH still has a good relationship with his brothers.

ETA: I did not talk to them during the build, so it wasn't that she was tired of hearing about it. I also never "come let me show (you) around," and only have when someone asks.

That's really sad Allison that family would feel that way. While we have a beautiful home, my sister's home is more than double the size and cost 4 times as much in one of the most expensive zip codes in the country. When you visit you their town you truly see how the top 1% live. I would never for a minute begrudge their success. I am happy for them and their home is *stunning*. I love staying there because I feel like I am staying in a 5 star hotel lol.

To the OP, we have dealt with those comments our whole lives. We custom built our home at a young age (still here) and we have a beautiful 2nd home at the beach. Our close friends tell us the town gossip that people wonder how we have it all. I ignore it, and our close friends always defend us. I am always grateful and gracious. If they are jealous, it's on them.

I wouldn't defend that comment but perhaps " four years in the making" had something to do with it. Some people just don't care much about their house. Fortunately for me, they rarely hire architects.

Most of the time, it isn't jealousy. It's boredom. No one is interested in your MRI of your pancreas, unless you happen to run into someone who has had pancreatitis. Even they have a limit as to the details ad nauseum.

I think you know what is going on with your friend or it wouldn't bother you.

Quit talking about your house around her. She may be very envious, she may be very tired of hearing about it, or she may feel you are bragging. Whatever the reason, we are not perfect creatures. Your choice is how much you still want her involved in your life.

She will probably be less negative once the house is done and no longer "new" because there will be less discussion of it.

If you do want to keep her around, I suggest you spend your conversation time asking about what is going on with her--what vacation she has planned, what good grades her kids just got at school, etc. Focus on her life successes, even if they are rather mundane by comparison.

Being a family member that is skilled& licensed at hvac we have been asked to help family with new homes at no labor cost. couple yrs later they sell for big profit & want ”help” again on next build

Are you sure she is a "friend"? People today throw that word around too casually. I have hundreds of "associates" in my personal and professional life, but only a handful I would ever call a friend. Even family does not fall into that exclusive group since you are forced into that relationship. People also think proximity and frequency equal friendship, which it does not.

A real friend is a person that cares about you and your well being without any benefit to themselves. These are the people that stand by you when even you feel not worth being stood by. They could easily walk away but choose to help you stand back up and take satisfaction of you having a good life. These people are priceless and should never be taken for granted. You don't need many friends. One true friend is better than a hundred associates that only care what they can take from you for their own benefit.