Kitchen/Marriage help!
Danielle Hammel
5 months ago
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Melissa R
5 months agolast modified: 5 months agoRelated Discussions
Need advice/help for a crumbling marriage!
Comments (12)Thanks for all the responses! Here's just a couple quick replies: @sylviatexas I did not intentionally "catch" her doing it. She would go to bed at the usual time at night and I'll usually still be up 2 hours after she's already sleeping. I accidently catch her because I'll be ready for bed and she'll be doing the "deed." To me, it's not invasion of privacy because I didn't know she was doing it and the fact that I'd like to sleep in my own bed. As far as my mood swings, keep reading below. @scarlett2001 As far as me being a manic-depressive, again read on below. As far as you analogy goes, I agree with you for the most part. I did seek help for myself, and it helped tremendously (again, read on below). She's still trying to resolve herself. I posted this on the internet to see if people with simlilar problems might have some insight and maybe give me some advice about the current situation. I don't see anything wrong with comparing notes. The follow up: I was seeing a therapist for a good 6 months after this post (between July-December 2013), and she "helped" me a lot. The reason I say "helped" is not because she directly helped me, but because she was more there for me to vent off my issues. She gave me a minimul amount of advice in return, which I didn't mind, because again - she was there to just listen. I do vent to friends from time to time, but you can only be negative to a certain extent without pushing them away. I stopped seeing her after 6 months because the cost was slowly draining my finances. I started making sure I began seeing a more positive side to my life. I have great kids that I love dearly, and they show it back. I have good friends that stuck with me for a good while with everything that has been going on. I have a family that cares for me as much as I care for my kids and wife. I started doing hobbies and recreations that I used to enjoy (fishing, racquetball, generally being out with friends and family). I'm enjoying life more than I should have, like a piece of an unfinished puzzle that's been missing for the past 6 years. So as far as being a manic depressive and having mood swings, they're pretty much non-existent. As far as me and my wifes relationship goes, it's still a bit rocky. She has her own issues to deal with that she has expressed to me that "it's not you, it's me." As cliche as that sounds, that's what she believes. I try to not to take things so personnally anymore. I will always be there for her no matter what. We still feel like borderline room mates, but we're trying to get past that. The way we are trying to work things out is having basically a weekly session of what's on our minds (good and bad). She has been pretty shut in since my last post, but she's slowly working on opening up. We're trying to make a date night, but money is tight and it extremely hard to find a babysitter. We try to make up for it by having a couples dinner and/or a movie here and there. I'm hoping it works out, only time will tell....See MoreHelp! Was your first year of marriage really tough?
Comments (16)I am new to posting on the marriage forum. But this is my $.02. In every marriage, there is give and take. I can see that you have a very busy life and it was that way before you married. I am not sure that you and DH didn't have different ideas about what happens after you get married. I kind of get the feeling that you weren't expecting much of a change and that DH was expecting a lot. First, if you were doing these things before you got married, then DH knew what he was getting into. Second, if you were doing all of these activities, How did you have time to date the man who became your DH? You made time for him before, right? You need to make sure that you still do that now. Just because you are "married" doesn't mean that it will be there if you aren't. Married should be a verb and not an adjective. That is when the real work starts. Finally, IMHO, if you got married and want to stay married, it is time for a sit down meeting to hash out what both of you are expecting. If you knew enough to marry him then DH's expectations should not seem to come from no where, meaning that you should have noticed that some of these have been coming for a while. It is really hard to be in the adjustment phase of being married. No one really lets all of the baggage hit the floor until they are sure they are staying. You have to sort out what every one wants and still make sure you don't lose yourself in the process. Honestly, I think you are having a case of "I wish I were still there 'itis". Basically, you are still mourning a part of your life that you had to step away from. It is not unusual to miss your single life. I know for a fact that I did. It isn't wrong, but if you wanted to marry DH then, there were reasons and do they still hold up? If marriage is something that is REALLY important to you, then you have to make sure that you are willing- not to put his needs first- but to make sure he is being heard and to try to make sure he is hearing you. If he is making you uncomfortable about seeing your single friends every week, maybe you should compromise. Could you invite them over, on the week when the SD is not there of course? Being married means that he should be at the center of your life, not your whole life, and you will need to encourage him to meet you half way. Don't give up the things you love, don't lose your passion for life, but don't leave him behind like a long date you wish was over. He obviously still wants to be around you. Have you thought about why you don't have the need to be around him as much. I am pretty sure you saw him more when you were dating than you are now if he is complaining. Maybe you need to look more closely at the situation. Please feel free to tell me if I am way off base... I am a big girl, I can deal with it. LOL....See MoreHelp! Save our marriage....granite color
Comments (10)oh come on, are there really men out there who care? Just kidding. My husband could care less if we even have a counter top. We just got our granite today. we have been using the raw plywood that thankfully our cabinet maker put on for us. I don't know why he makes them like that, but he does. I ended up going with the cold springs granite, which is very much like delicatus on my perimeter cabs and I did the absolute black on my island. I love the contrast! it is beautiful. my kitchen is not finished yet, and please excuse the granite dust from today. we have to adjust the feet on the stove to raiseit up to the height of the granite, and I am not finished painting, but you can see how they look together. maybe you could compromise with two granites?...See Moredislike stepson - need help to save my marriage
Comments (13)Ok...I don't have teenagers (yet!) and after reading this I might lock them in closets between 13 & 18 (just kidding *LOL*) but truthfully. I've worked with teenagers and agree that some of this is just where they are emotionally (if you remember - it was an awkward time!), some of this is his issues with his parenting (mom leaving, dad making little to no effort), part of this is his testing your love for him. (Ever read the children's book "mama do you love me?" it is all about that test of love for children.) But part of me thinks that you have allowed a level of disrespect from him in the past 4 years and still given him things that please him. Children have the ability to change their behavior parent-according. Like Alstep's SK knowing that dad is a marine who would never tolerate such behavior. I'm strict so my SS(s) pull less with me than with other parental figures (BM, Grandparents...etc.) It is hard to correct behavior that probably should have been nipped in the bud years ago but I would still try. I agree with all the previous posts in that aspect. He is not a lost cause. Most importantly, however, is exactly what others have said. Your DH needs to step up and instead of thinking "this is magically going to change when SS leaves" you need to be thinking "this needs to change now." This is not going to sound very nice but DH's "let you deal it" attitude is a form of disrespect as well. After all - this is HIS biological child - it is MORE his problem than yours (that is not to say that you didn't sign-on as a mom when you married a full custodial parent but I really feel like DH was burnt out on being a dad so when you came into the picture he used you as his vacation from parenting.) I've seen this behavior before. Knowing that you will step up and do what needs to be done has taken a weight off of him (and unjustly put it on you!) And you have allowed it (while secretly brewing resentment and frustration for the past 4 years since you unknowingly volunteered to be a single parent in a marriage.) You need to talk to DH and let him know that parenting needs to be a SHARED adventure (which is sometimes a shared headache!) You may see better results with a counselor because things that are "objective" coming from a third party are "personal" coming from your spouse. Although you have put all of this stress and frustration on your SS ("I hate him"), it is not REALLY about him or his behaviors. It is about the fact that you feel alone in a no-win situation and would like a little help from the other parent in your home. You, and every parent on the planet (biological, step or adoptive) needs respite! Respite can come in the form of what I call "daddy duty" when I just NEED to sleep in, be alone in a store, or have a "girls night out" (we've obviously got littler ones.) It is joint-parenting. I'm very fortunate that my DH and I agree on discipline and that he is very intuitive to my needs. He seems to know when I'm being pushed to the brink and he steps up to relieve me saying "I've got it this time". You are lucky that you are married (I don't know how single parents do it!) You need to UNITE with your spouse and decide how you are going to handle this situation TOGETHER. It is not fair that you probably feel like a single mom who never even gave birth. (My DH is great but I've felt that way myself. Luckily, when I voiced it, he was receptive to it but he wasn't always as instinctive as he is now!) You MAY be frustrated with your SS's behavior but he is NOT the center of this problem. And won't it suck when he leaves in three years and the problem doesn't go with him! Has dad ever given him just dad-son time? It seems to me that this boy is crying out to be acknowledged by his father. He is becoming a man and wants to know how. Your DH needs to show you more respect by stepping up to his responsibilities as an example to his son. If Dad doesn't take on responsibility and doesn't show you respect, why should he? SS could also be anticipating the destruction of a marriage here (he doesn't need to know that you don't make love to know something isn't right!) Maybe your DH could discuss having a weekend fishing trip (or something) with just he and SS but that SS has to earn it by following the rules, doing his homework, and being respectful. There HAS to be something that SS does "care" about. Has DH ever sat down and talked to SS about what he is so down about? Can you level with him at all?...See Morejackowskib
5 months agojust_janni
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5 months agolast modified: 5 months agoBeth H. :
5 months agolast modified: 5 months agoIsabel Carolan
5 months agoRabbitt Design
5 months ago
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