And of course there's the fear that I'm just afraid of intimacy.

Why is that a given (of course?) because you didn't describe anything that suggests intimacy or the fear of it. From what you did describe, he sounds like a whiner. Should you not work? Should you not go to school to better yourself? And then not do the required homework.....from just one class? And I don't see anything wrong with going out with the girls once a week or twice a month. I hope you won't allow him to convince you to stop doing any of those things, most especially concerning your job and graduate studies. Watch out or he will have you entirely dependent on him, which is a terrible place to be. Please remain your own person and independent. I can understand you posting from feeling nagged at, but I get the feeling there is so much more to the story because none of what you mention is anything to complain about. He's either a selfish whiner or he's setting you up. Guilting you into surrendering yourself to his control. These are the warning signs. Give in now to your own detriment later on. You're waking up after one year to find you may have married the wrong person. Very wise of you, but don't let that stretch into another year or 10 years to wake up and find yourself in an abusive relationship where you're not allowed your own thoughts, can't do anything right no matter what you do, and always second guessing yourself. Constant criticism very easily does exactly that well before you know what happened. Most women find themselves trapped and unable to leave.

Has your behavior changed since you got married? Are you home less now than before?
Do you find yourself needing to 'escape'? Or do you view your nights out in that light?
Did your husband expect you would 'settle down' once you got married? And is now disappointed that that hasn't happened?

It's *possible* you are avoiding intimacy by maintaining such an active and independent life.
But it's also possible that this is just how your husband feels and you are only being true to yourself.
Was the whole 'fear of intimacy' idea yours or his?

I said it an another post, but it bears repeating here:
- There's Selfish ("Your needs don't matter")
- There's Healthy Self-Interest ("Your needs matter, but my needs matter too"), and
- There's Selfless ("Anything you need -- don't worry about me.")

You should maintain a healthy self-interest, and in a healthy marriage, your husband should want that for you as well. Are you being selfish and withholding? Or is your husband being selfish, controlling and needy? Only you can tell...

Sure, there are adjustments during the first year. And finding the right balance between togetherness and independence is one of them. But the success or failure of that balance-finding has much to do with communication also. Who wants to hurry home to a man who says you were selfish for leaving in the first place?

To me it sounds like his idea of a marriage, or family life, is a bit different from how you perceive it. But he needs to clarify this in his own mind and talk to you in a way that is not confrontational, so you can both decide how to organise things.

You say you get on will with the SD well that is fantastic, and presumably you would like to spend time with her when she is over at your house, all together as a family.

Has your DH been married before ?

I didn't have doubts in my first year, I think because I was much younger than you (22) and did not have the "rich" life that you are having. So we both just worked and hung around together, growing into the marriage.

You seem to be very independent and I guess some of that independence would have to change into a partnership, when you married.

"...how did I let myself end up here? "

Reasonable question. None of this came up during courtship?

Do you enjoy doing things as a family when SD is with you? Do you have children of your own? First marriage for you?

"And of course there's the fear that I'm just afraid of intimacy."

This struck me as strange inclusion compared with the other concerns you described. Seems unrelated....but there it is. Why "of course"? Not sure what this means or where it fits in. Is there lousy sex along with everything else?

Newly -
You are me.

I'm a go-getter, innately comfortable with busy. Super social. Very very independent. I'm in a band, I work 15 hours a week, involved with church and friends and school and you name it.

Our first year was absolute hell.

I too have addressed a fear of intimacy - in fact, two therapists confirmed it (it's not about sex, asolo) - but to use the word "fear" suggests something whacky - it's more like a discomfort with intense closeness...so instead, that intimacy gets spread around to lots of people.

You're in a familiar vicious cycle - you distance, he gets upset and tries to control and change you, you resist and get busier, etc -

I didnt' handle it well - pitched a fit, in fact, and gave up on a lot of things that mattered to me, to avoid the fight - then I grew up and decided that 1. I wanted to be happily married and 2. I needed to maintain my identity - and decided that balance, sacrifice, and self care were all necessary to achieve both goals.

I started making extra time with my husband, and clarified what I would not be sacrificing. The music stays. The girlfriends and single life went. The baby showers and candle parties went. The church and school were balanced, and I got a great job that provides a lot of money and personal satisfaction - and limited it to school hours.

We're all happier - 16 years later. It was well worth it, but I would not want to be back in those early adjustment years. I feel for you!

For the record, you might be one of the lucky few who has a husband very interested in a partnership. I'd not toss that off to him being controlling so much as saying what he needs.

I would not like you spending a night a week with single women, fair or not. If you got together at one their homes to make a quilt that would be different. LOL Marriage is not easy and I would not have stayed with my husband for 33 years if he went to bars without me. No way!

Are there areas in your life that you can devote less time to so when your SD is there she can be the focus for both of you? Doing things as a family? I have to admit if my husband was busy Sunday, Monday and Tuesday and then wanted to do something else without me on Wednesday I would also be ticked off. Maybe see your girlfriends twice a month for nights out or for lunch during the work week to keep in touch. No reason to drop them completely, they are your good friends. Just look at the things you do and see if you can't compromise some how. That is if you want to...that whole fear of intimacy comment makes me wonder if you make yourself so busy on purpose. So you don't have to think about or be intimate. If that is so then why did you marry? Your life seemed pretty full to begin with. Adding a husband and stepchild to the mix was just asking for trouble if you expected to keep up the same busy lifestyle you had when you were single. NancyLouise

maime.i really would really hate to be married to you ,you are one REALLY insecure woman.NOT HEALTHY.

Well I'm new,but I'm gonna side with maime.Bars really are not places for married people.They are meat markets filled with drunk people looking to hook up.Honestly,not a good place for any marriage.
On the flip side,does the husband go out and have time with the guys?

Umm....OP said nothing about bars or anything else about what/where with her girlfriends. Maime tossed that in and forwhenitrains is feeding on it.

Read the OP, folks! There's enough in there without making stuff up.

I am new to posting on the marriage forum. But this is my $.02. In every marriage, there is give and take. I can see that you have a very busy life and it was that way before you married. I am not sure that you and DH didn't have different ideas about what happens after you get married. I kind of get the feeling that you weren't expecting much of a change and that DH was expecting a lot.

First, if you were doing these things before you got married, then DH knew what he was getting into. Second, if you were doing all of these activities, How did you have time to date the man who became your DH? You made time for him before, right? You need to make sure that you still do that now. Just because you are "married" doesn't mean that it will be there if you aren't. Married should be a verb and not an adjective. That is when the real work starts. Finally, IMHO, if you got married and want to stay married, it is time for a sit down meeting to hash out what both of you are expecting. If you knew enough to marry him then DH's expectations should not seem to come from no where, meaning that you should have noticed that some of these have been coming for a while. It is really hard to be in the adjustment phase of being married. No one really lets all of the baggage hit the floor until they are sure they are staying. You have to sort out what every one wants and still make sure you don't lose yourself in the process.

Honestly, I think you are having a case of "I wish I were still there 'itis". Basically, you are still mourning a part of your life that you had to step away from. It is not unusual to miss your single life. I know for a fact that I did. It isn't wrong, but if you wanted to marry DH then, there were reasons and do they still hold up? If marriage is something that is REALLY important to you, then you have to make sure that you are willing- not to put his needs first- but to make sure he is being heard and to try to make sure he is hearing you. If he is making you uncomfortable about seeing your single friends every week, maybe you should compromise. Could you invite them over, on the week when the SD is not there of course? Being married means that he should be at the center of your life, not your whole life, and you will need to encourage him to meet you half way. Don't give up the things you love, don't lose your passion for life, but don't leave him behind like a long date you wish was over. He obviously still wants to be around you. Have you thought about why you don't have the need to be around him as much. I am pretty sure you saw him more when you were dating than you are now if he is complaining. Maybe you need to look more closely at the situation.

Please feel free to tell me if I am way off base... I am a big girl, I can deal with it. LOL.

If you play in a band, go to school for a grad degree, work fulltime and go out with friends--when do you have time to do homework, check your social network pages, email, grocery shop and pay bills? Marriage is full of things you have to do also--listening to your husband, eating a meal together, going for a walk/movie/camping trip/road rally/ listening to music. I guess you are going to have to sit down with a calendar book like the rest of us who have a career/family/kids/ and start prioritizing.Some people plan romantic dinners, etc. even if they have been married 10 or 20 years.
If you aren't happy to put him and/or stepkid into your calendar book--let somebody else have him who will be happy with a nice guy.

Huh, lots of interesting points of view, and you all have given me lots of really good things to think about. I don't think I can address all of them here, but thanks for your thoughtful comments.

I've recovered a bit from that emotional high from the big fight, and I think I've got things a little more in perspective now. The impetus of the fight was my wanting to go to a friends house after having a busy week, and I've come to recognize that was insensitive of me. Not that it's always insensitive, but yes to that particular case. A couple of you suggested scheduling, and I think that's something that might help. I think if I can prepare in advance for how much time I need to take care of all my relationships--husband, girlfriends (one of whom is my sister, got to make time for her) then it could help in making us both satisfied in that realm. Sometimes it's easy for me to villainize my husband when yes, possibly, I have a hand in it too.

I do need to carve out time for him, to remember how it was when we were dating. Some things from my life sat on the back burner then, and I was happy to leave them there but they've come back around I guess. That'll take a little work to figure out how to handle it.

To Amyfiddler, interesting to hear from someone else who played in a band. Thanks for the insight.

So I know I have some work to do, but he's got a lot to do himself. I think the way he talks to me when he gets upset isn't quite right. Not yelling, not cursing, not calling me names, it just doesn't feel right. But I've talked to him about this, and we're in counseling, and we'll just have to see. Meanwhile, I'll have to work on my "I wish I was still there"-itis, which I'm pretty sure I have a pretty big case of (peanutmom).

This has been a positive experience, thanks.

First year was *extremely* tough. I just posted a thing about how tough it was under "Second Marriage - happy story." It got better after that first year.

I think in second marriages, the first year is especially difficult. So much compromising and trying to bend without breaking. But it does get better.

Rose

Tracy I guess I am a little insecure, but why in the world would that make you so angry? Is it you or your husband who spends time in bars. I think you may be more insecure than you think you are. My husband happened to agree with me, a bar is no place for a married person unless they go as a couple.

I think it is normal to go out with girlfriends, but once a week, every week, seems a bit excessive. I do not have young children, my DD is away to college, but I have neither time nor energy to go out wiht girlfriends weekly . that does seem a bit strange.

and also if you have that little time for your husband why did you marry? and especially a man with a child? if you'd rather be with the girlfriends?