A cry for help: Domestic Violence hand signal
4 years ago
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- 4 years ago
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when is it time to go? (LONG one, but please help)
Comments (10)Definitely...get out. Don't waste any more of your precious life with this man, and get your son out of a situation that he very well might repeat when he marries. Not necessarily the alcoholism, but how he thinks relationships should be. Not to mention the obvious effects things are having on him right now. Two suggestions: 1. Find an Al-Anon meeting in your area and GO. Even if you don't like the first meeting, GO again. Attend at least 4 or more meetings, you will get something out of them. 2. Get one or both of Patricia Evan's books: The Verbally Abusive Relationship and Verbal Abuse: Survivors Speak Out. If they don't have them at a bookstore near you, you can get them on Amazon. When I read them, it was as if *my* marriage was being described. Here is her website. Your line: "When I try to explain to him how I feel, he either ignores me or gives me all of the reasons why it is wrong for me to feel that way." is SO typical of what abusers to to their victims, telling them how to feel, and that their perceptions are wrong. They also have a great talent for twisting things around so the issue at hand is YOUR fault. I wasted 10 years of my life hoping/thinking my soon to be ex would change. Never happened, because they DON'T CHANGE. They enjoy what they do, and it works for them. He's now got his sights on wife #3, who I'm sure will also divorce him. I would love to warn this poor woman, but I know she won't listen. He is SO charming and wonderful at first. Don't let your parents or anyone else influence you. YOU are the one living this! YOU are the one suffering. YOUR SON is suffering. I am pretty sure your husband doesn't treat anyone else like he treats you. Everyone else thinks he's a great guy, right? Finally, please re-read your post. In the first two paragraphs you describe what is really an intolerable, unhealthy and dangersous situation. In the last paragraph, you make excuses for him and actually blame yourself somewhat. Really, you do. Please recognize that none of this is your fault. He CHOOSES to be this way, and if you don't think so, consider that he only treats *you* badly, not anyone else. So he can absolutely control his behavior, he simply chooses not to. And you do not OWE him anything because you are a SAHM. Don't ever let anyone (including yourself) think that way. Please seek some help. Go to Al Anon. Read some books on Domestic Violence. Call a local women's shelter to get information on resources in your area. Look at the NDVH website. Just because he hasn't actually hit you makes no difference. He is abusing you emotionally, and in most cases, this will escalate to physical. Besides that, most agree that verbal and emotional abuse is much worse than physical. Finally, use another computer for this. If he has access, he can see what you have been doing, including websites and email. He can easily install a Keylogger, which will record everything you do, and they are undetectable. That might sound alarmist, but better safe than sorry. If you can't use a friend's computer, your local library has them. Good luck to you, and never forget, HE WILL NOT CHANGE....See MoreAm I in an Abusive Relationship, Please Help!!
Comments (17)Asolo, I am not planning to stay eight months, I am LEAVING sooner than you think I thought that this forum was supposed to supportive and non judgmental. I thought wrong, I shared my trouble to help guide me into the right direction, sorry that I shared. I do know how to write a paragraph, I just did not focus on grammar and the correct format my passage should be. I am sorry that my husband has taken everything else away from me and I am trying to hold onto something that is dear to me that will make my children�s life better financially! I have plan�s on talking to women shelters to see if I can still pursue my degree because I am so closed to finishing!! I have only taken one picture of my child�s arm and this is so that I have proof!!! I want to make sure that my husband will never be allowed to have custody of them, NEVER!!! So I am trying everything in my power to get out of here and have proof to protect my children�s FUTURE!!!! This is the first time I have ever posted this information about my life on a forum and this will be the LAST!!!...See MoreNewb here Need help, didn't know how hard this would be.
Comments (26)If you mean by peace maker, giving in and ending a stand off and if standing your ground results in the same behavior my daughter tried on me when she was 3 years old to get out of trouble (and it didn't work!), those are not very good options to choose from. I'm voting for 'cutting your losses'. In fact, you aren't just cutting YOUR losses, your cutting your son's losses because as much as you might love this woman, she is poison to your child. (and your relationship to him) Anyone that thinks the way to resolve their problems at age 27 is to put a pillow over their ears or hold you on the ground and change your mind with kisses or sex, does not have the skills for an adult relationship. Too bad you didn't see it sooner, but really... people don't usually change and you can try to stay as long as you can put up with it, but eventually you will 'escape' and by then, how much damage will it have done to your son? Will he be able to forgive you if your relationship with him is destroyed or damaged? Would it be worth it? R*U*N Vbunch R*U*N*!!!!...See MoreOh Please Help Me
Comments (17)sorry, I did know that you were picking up your daughter, too, just didn't think of it. "I do agree that as I work through my issues, particularly my pain from my mom's drinking/abuse, it will help me to not be as bothered by BM." wrong wrong wrong. You *need* to be "bothered" by BM. She's a danger to you, & the part of your brain that is in charge of self-preservation *knows* that. There's an excellent book called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. The core message is that people, especially women, get beaten, stabbed, raped, shot, & murdered because we allow our "rational" brain to argue with our perceptive brain *& win*. One little exercise he does in his safety seminars is: Say you're working late in your office in a high-rise office building. You're the only one on your floor. You leave your office & lock the door & punch the button for the elevator. When it stops & the door opens, you see that there's one person inside, a man. What do you do? He says that every woman in his seminars knows the "right" answer; you don't get on that elevator. but when they discuss it a little further, almost every one of them will sheepishly admit that she'd probably look at the guy & try to figure out if he looks dangerous; then she'd realize that he knows that that's what she's doing; then she'd feel embarrassed that this no doubt perfectly nice man thinks she's the sort of person who suspects somebody without "evidence"; *& then she'd get on that elevator to show the guy that she's a nice person*. This woman is dangerous, you know it, & you keep trying to make your perfectly healthy response (terror) into something that has nothing to do with the threat she poses. This assailant "hugging" you is assault & has nothing to do with your mother. If you haven't broached this subject with your therapist, you need to do so right now, & if you have broached it & the therapist & s/he hasn't supported your healthy response to threat... get a different therapist before we hear about you on the news. I wish you the best....See More- 4 years ago
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