Hi Dorothy, I don't ever come on the forum but for some reason today I did - I saw you post and wanted to write. I have my two grandkids living with me, and have for the past 9 years, ages 9 and 11. When I first took the kids, (my daughter was into drugs) I thought it would be temporary and she would come to her senses. That was 9 years ago. I love my grandkids deeply and can't even imagine my life without them now, but at the beginning it was very hard. You are basically giving up your life, I quit working (the baby was less than 2 months old) sometimes I think - who am I - I have lost myself totally. But then I see how happy and secure the kids are and I know that this is where they belong. The see their mom a couple of times a year, she is not into drugs (although every once in a while she goes off on one) but she just doesn't have that motherly feeling, she loves the kids but it doesn't bother her a bit that they don't live with her, nor does she want them too. Anyway if you ever need a shoulder to lean on I'm here. Julie from FL

Hi to all, God Bless you. I hope I have the faith and courage you all do when the time comes. I have been lerking in the shadows for weeks now. Reading and hoping to see the magical answer to the question our 21 year old daughter threw at us last month. Our 3rd grandchild (second grandson)will be born in Septmenber. She has decided she doesn't want to raise him after he is born. She has had a tough life for a young adult. Cervical cancer was discovered the week before her 18th birthday. She has had several surgeries to remove the cancerous cells and has very little cervix left. They said sh'e never get pregnant (other female problems too) and if she did she'd never carry till term. She is determined to have a healthy baby boy, but doesn't feel she's ready to raise him and wants her father and I to take him immediately after he is born and raise as our son. A million warning lights flash in my head. 1) We are too old 43 and 44. 2) Our youngest child of 5 is 16 and very active in school and will go on to college in three years. We'll then have an empty nest and were looking forward to it. 3) Our oldest two are raising their children. 4) We like being grandparents. Can send the kids back when we get too tired. 5) What if she changes her mind after she grows up and wants him back? 6) I just got a wonderful new job last July. Don't know about raising a child and working full time. Adoption by a non-relative is out of the question. My youngest brother and SIL have not been able to conceve and are finally after 3 years getting their baby boy from Guatamola in August or September. My older brother and SIL had "help" conceiving and have two beautiful little girls. Our family is very close and I am unsure of what the opionion of others would be if daughter gave baby up. I haven't even begun to think of what my mother would say. I know I am rambling. I'm just so glad to have somewhere to bounce my fears and ideas off of. My husband is very supportive and will do what ever needs to done for the good of our grandson. P.S. Daughter just moved to Florida. We live in Michigan. Would love to hear from you all on how to prepare for this lifestyle change. Take Care.

How frequently do most grandchildren spend the night with grandparents when they live in the same city, a mile apart? As often as they are invited. It's TOTALLY up to you to decide what works best for you. Health reasons or whatever reasons! It's definitely NOT a competition -- that's a very unhealthy way to view it. I'm wondering why your other daughter even felt like she needed to get involved. It's totally not her place. Why doesn't she, as aunt to the children, invite them over to her house for sleepovers? What is her relationship with her nieces/nephews? What qualifies her to advise you on your relationship? OK, can you tell? I think the whole thing is a lot of hooey. When I had kids, I asked my mother to take care of them when I had someplace I wanted to go. The key word here being ASKED. My mother could say yes or no according to her whim. Mostly she said yes because she adored my kids and was a wonderful grandma. But sometimes she said No for whatever reason. That was her right and privelege. When my first son was a year old, she decided she wanted him to spend the night every other Saturday - totally her idea. At some point after my second son was born, her health began to fail and she cut back on visits. Again, the visits were ALWAYS up to her. I'm not saying the kids shouldn't ask to come over, the fact that they do means they love you and love spending time with you. But it's still up to you IF they come, WHO comes, and for how long. Just in case you're wondering, my MIL was in very poor health and unfortunately could not take care of my kids at all.

If you're too busy to spend time with your grandparents, you need to re-think your priorities and perhaps re-order your life. I've got three daughters in their 20s. When they were growing up, their grandmother and grandfather (paternal grandparents) treated those children like royalty. In this life, we just don't get that many people who show up and say, "I'm going to love you unconditionally" and yet that's exactly what these paternal grandparents did. And - as I told my kids - when we do get people who love us unconditionally, we should drop to our knees and thank God above for such a great blessing. I didn't have grandparents when I was growing up PERIOD, and my father wasn't around, so I do NOT understand how anyone can have grandparents and not be supremely grateful for such a blessing. So, now my kids are in their 20s and last year their beloved grandfather died. Now Grandma lives alone and only my eldest daughter pays attention to her. I don't get it. And Grandma is healthy and fun and independent and mentally sharp. What's going to happen if she ends up being less than healthy and not-so independent? I shudder to think. I'm divorced from my children's father and yet I still plead with my children to show their father's mother some love and attention. Despite the fact that they rarely take the time to even call her, she *still* treats them with so much love. When my kids were little, there was NOTHING those grandparents wouldn't do for my children. They were the best grandparents a child could possibly have. I always taught my children that family was a priority and I told them - a thousand times - that they were very fortunate to be surrounded by such a loving extended family. I only hope that one day those lessons will sink in. My own mother is dead, so Grandma J. is their last grandparent. Thank goodness my eldest daughter "gets it" and lavishes love on her Grandma. Rose