As far as going to "the professionals" my wife and I at around 10 years of marriage were having MAJOR problems. In a 2 year period we went to 3 different marriage counselors. The 3rd one said maybe we should get a divorce. No thanks. I said forget the marriage counselors and we've been married over 30 years now - and have a great marriage. We just had to learn how to resolve our conflicts. As for your wife - people don't just "fall out" of love or stop loving someone out of the blue. It's the accumulation of a lot of angers, hurts, and disappointments over a period of time. Especially your wife - at least the way you describe her. If it's hard for her to express her wants, feelings, etc., then emotions are going to build up until they finally need to be dealt with. My wife is also the type who won't say what's wrong until she lets things build up - (actually she's much better about that now, but it used to be bad). Usually when someone says they feel like roommates it means there's no longer any intimacy. She more than likely feels like you don't do anything together and don't have the same interests anymore. The ideas (above) from Karen10125 and LauraNJ are profound in my opinion. Years ago when my wife and I both were at our worst, we'd gotten so bad that almost every time we opened our mouths it was to fight and I didn't know what to do. Counseling hadn't helped (a little disclaimer here ... I'm not suggesting counseling wouldn't help the two of you, in fact it's probably a good place to start, just don't feel like they're the only ones with answers if you're not getting help). One thing for sure ... I felt we needed to give each other a lot of space. I was hoping by creating space we could re-establish a relationship where we could at least be friends again. Anyway, my older brother told me I should try "courting her" and letting her know how much I cared. I didn't think it would work because of how she was feeling about me but thought I didn't have much to lose at that point. So every day she started getting something from me in the mail. Cards, a music tape, little gifts, souvenirs, notes etc. Then it was phone calls (out of the blue) during the day, and then it was us doing things together again and somewhere along the line she started having feelings for me again. Oh yeah, every bit of that was surrounded by a lot of prayer as well. (our convictions about God kept us together through some very tough times). I've always loved my wife, which is what made it so frustrating not being able to resolve our issues, but we finally learned what we needed to do. Anyway I went on for a little while but I hope it helps out in some way. Again - remember Karen and Laura - those are both women speaking and it sounds a lot like what my brother advised me and it worked. Not saying it'll be a "cure all" but it may be just what you need to get things turned around in the right direction.. One last thing. I'm going to recommend a short ebook report by Michael Eastwood. It's got some excellent principles which in my opinion are exactly what a marriage needs to work. It's helped us a lot in the area of resolving conflicts. It's short, reads well, and there's no charge for it. Here is a link that might be useful: Save Marriage Tips

Well, as im reading, all of you have such great input on what the actions i should take, but im not sure everyone understands the situation, i can suggest counseling and some other types of help we can get, but it doesn't seem to matter, because if i suggest it, she will say "your right YOU do need it." just like the other day she was telling me that i needed to back off on our son, MY argueing is affecting him, as if she never done anything wrong, its not just my argueing, its hers too. but she doesn't see it. that way, another thing, our son backing her up in the situation of our argueing she doesn't see anything wrong with that, even though she knows our son is in the wrong, and for her to admit that shes wrong would crush the whole essence of her being right all the time and she couldn't live that down. Thats why i say im in a NO WIN situation anymore. I can admit when im wrong, she cannot, even if she knows she is. and that alone is affecting me. Bottom line, no matter what happens, between anyone in our family, no matter whos fault it is, SHE SEES THAT SHE DOES NO WRONG no matter what, and the blame goes to me. I rather just not even talk to her anymore, its pointless, i can't win. she is also emotionalless, i mean that to the extreme, she has no emotion anymore, but she also doesn't see that as affecting our lives. In fact her quote was " i don't have to have emotion to show that i care about someone" if im not mistaken, isn't caring an emotion. Im so frustrated, and i honestly don't know what else i can do. In her eyes, im root of the problems.

I watched it last night and watched the Today interviews as well. She knew, or at least suspected, and I think the only thing that they regret is that all came to light. I noticed the change in her appearance, did you? On Friday she looked more made up, there was a lot of comments made about it. Last week she looked well maintained and I noticed the clothing as well. She is not a fool. I think the same about the sons. Why would you not insist on being shown ALL the operations of the company? Fear or suspicion, they were not fools. I feel the same way about the way the book is being presented. These people are sly, I cannot figure out why the fiancee was even there, she never opened her mouth and the author of the book is Laurie Sandell, not the fiancee. Tho I too am positive that Matt Lauer made reference to the fiancee having written the book. I keep thinking about the people they bilked. And nothing, no one, would ever keep me from talking to those I love the way Ruth claims that her attorney did in keeping her from her sons. There is way too much wrong with this story to me.

Behavior #1 - sits in the living room with headphones on and plays video games for 4 to 14 hours. To me that is normal. Not the 14 hours but certainly the 4 hours or longer. Under the same conditions as your stepson, about to be on duty on a submarine, at his mother's house where he did not grow up, no friends in the area, that is exactly what I would expect my son to do. There are 21 year old men who play video games to unhealthy extremes but a 21 year old in the Navy on leave in my opinion is not in that place. Behavior #2 - I must be missing something here. That doesn't sound like eavesdropping to me. He has his earphones on, he can hear you with the earphones on, he laughs at a joke he overhears. That would not bother me and I wouldn't consider it eavesdropping if my son did that. Scratching his privates, monologues, not making eye contact, not saying goodnight or be right back, BSing, awkwardness petting the dog, chewing with mouth full, not waiting till everyone has their food, leaving a messy room, some young men are like this. I have known some awkward young men who turned out to be perfectly nice when I got to know them better. My son does not do these things but plenty of normal young men do. I realize these things are disconcerting to you. In our family we say goodnight or be right back...except my daughter for some reason didn't do this and I just let that one go, not worth it to me to bring it up. I think you are being unreasonable to expect your 21 year old son to observe and fall into that custom. The BSing will probably take care of itself over time as your son spends more time in the Navy. Other Navy men or women will probably call his hand on that one I would think, and that would be way more effective than anything your wife would say or do. The only thing that would really get to me on that one is the pacing up and down during dinner if that's a frequent occurrence. The note thing when he left sounds reasonable to me, at least at his own mother's house. I would expect my kids to write a nice, appreciative thank you note if they were guests in someone else's home but not at my home. If my son was in the Navy on leave, realized he had some things he needed to do and needed to get back to base quickly I would kick his butt for pausing to wake me up or write a long note. I wouldn't expect my son to wake the family up if he needed to leave unexpectedly. Behavior #3 - Your family is gregarious, he is not, he stifles the vibe at your house. You would be doing your daughter a favor if you teach her not to let those things bother her (and you). She has a lifetime of being around difficult people - college roommates, co-workers, possibly in-laws. It would be better for him if he learned how to join in, but it would be a gift to your daughter if you taught her that she cannot control others but she can control herself. It is also a gift to your daughter to learn to be inclusive and draw out difficult people in a way that is not overbearing. Not only is it the kind and decent way to be but also some people earn more money through their excellent soft skills. Behavior #4 - The person causing this problem with your daughter is your wife. As mentioned above, you, your wife and your daughter need to get family counseling for the 3 of you. He is your daughter's half brother, she shouldn't have to *entertain* him very often. Also, your daughter needs to be communicating these issues with her mother if she isn't already doing that. Your daughter sounds melodramatic to me for the situation you are describing. 16 year old girls (boys too) can be real drama queens, even if they were not that way as kids or young teens. Keep in mind your daughter will feed off your feelings and actions and our kids are very, very, very good at sensing what our feelings are even if we think we have kept them hidden. Families are messy, people are messy. This is a golden opportunity to teach your daughter how to deal lovingly, kindly, compassionately with awkward people while still doing what she needs to do to keep her own life reasonable. It is so much better if she has had experience with this before she goes off to college while you are there to act as a sounding board and sometimes a buffer. Sometimes our kids are in stressful, awkward situations that we want them removed from when really those very situations are going to prepare them for something down the road. What if your daughter has a stepson with Aspberger's one day, or a child with Aspberger's. Or a roommate or coworker. If I were your wife I would not sit down and talk to my son about Aspberger's or even much of this behavior you describe and I would embrace family counseling with you and your daughter. If I were you I would couch this to your wife in terms of going to a counselor to learn how to best help your stepson and also to help your daughter deal with this. For one thing it's true, your wife does need to go in order to learn how to best support your stepson and your/her daughter. I know you said previous visits over the years went fine but now they're not. That could be due to a lot of things. Maybe the visits are longer now, in which case you would see more issues bubbling up no matter how delightful he is. Maybe he is stressed from his college difficulties and now joining the Navy, perhaps doubting his path in life. Perhaps before both he and his brother visited together and he was more comfortable then or perhaps having his brother there masked some of his issues. I think your wife is correct that it is not her place and not yours to talk to him about possible Aspberger's Syndrome at this point in his life. It's not your place or hers to ask him to go get evaluated or tested; the time for that was years ago. It doesn't sound like any of you have a close relationship with him. The thing to do now is to build a good relationship with him. He probably really needs your support right now at this point in his life so this is a golden opportunity to build that solid relationship. Welcome him, love him, respect him as a person and a member of your family. If you do that then later on the time will come when you or your wife can broach some of your concerns. I am not hearing that he says mean things or sexually inappropriate things, not hearing that he steals things or destroys things. Not hearing anything about drugs or alcohol, nothing about him offering your daughter drugs or alcohol. Not hearing about him taking your car and wrecking it or constantly hitting you up for money. This does not sound like an awful situation to me, just a situation that is awkward and uncomfortable. You know, your daughter is going to have awkward and uncomfortable situations with family in her future whether your stepson visits or not. What kind of person do you want her to be? If you want her to believe that family is important even if it's awkward or uncomfortable then model that for her. What if her husband doesn't like you, do you want her to expect that her husband will still be thoughtful and considerate to you? If so, then model that for her with your stepson. Last, if I were you I would go to counseling with your daughter and give her some time to talk to the counselor by herself. Your daughter could be melodramatic because she's feeding off your emotions, because she's just going through a drama queen phase right now, because she's upset about something else in her life and projecting it onto this situation. But there could be things she isn't telling you or your wife that are valid concerns. Whatever you decide, I hope and wish the best for all of you. It's not easy knowing the right thing to do sometimes.