My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman "Where is the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

George Carlin

Annie Deighnaugh, those attorney/witness excerpts made me giggle. The last time I was up for jury duty, the defense attorney asked some similarly inane and incorrectly phrased questions during voir dire of a prospective juror. Under my breath, I muttered a smart ass reply ending with "you, idjit." I think the attorney must have heard me, though, because he was much more on point and informed during the second day's voir dire. Of course, maybe the judge was equally unimpressed and told him to get it together outside of our hearing.

I hope he gets a can of dog food for dinner.

Olychick, Oh no, not on the pierogis!

Oh yeah...not the pierogis!!

Reminded me of this one:

An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"Back off!" she said. "Those are for the funeral."

Annie D, had to share this with my Polish family and friends! Love it!