Mine just keeps going to the movie advertisement.

Oh that is wonderful - thanks jojo. I've read similar things over the years of course, but this one is a great reminder. Without mentioning which numbers, 3 of those really resonate with me at this time in my life and no question I need to be more mindful of them.

Here is the article:

10 Ways You’re Making Your Life Harder Than It Has To Be

By Tim HochUpdated August 19, 2020Drew Collins

1. You ascribe intent.
Another driver cut you off. Your friend never texted you back. Your co-worker went to lunch without you. Everyone can find a reason to be offended on a steady basis. So what caused you to be offended? You assigned bad intent to these otherwise innocuous actions. You took it as a personal affront, a slap in the face.Happy people do not do this. They don’t take things personally. They don’t ascribe intent to the unintentional actions of others.

2. You’re the star of your own movie.
It is little wonder that you believe the world revolves around you. After all, you have been at the very center of every experience you have ever had.You are the star of your own movie. You wrote the script. You know how you want it to unfold. You even know how you want it to end.Unfortunately you forgot to give your script to anyone else. As a result, people are unaware of the role they are supposed to play. Then, when they screw up their lines, or fail to fall in love with you or don’t give you a promotion, your movie is ruined.Lose your script. Let someone else star once in awhile. Welcome new characters. Embrace plot twists.

3. You fast forward to apocalypse.
I have a bad habit of fast forwarding everything to its worst possible outcome and being pleasantly surprised when the result is marginally better than utter disaster or jail time. My mind unnecessarily wrestles with events that aren’t even remotely likely. My sore throat is cancer. My lost driver’s license fell into the hands of an al-Qaeda operative who will wipe out my savings account.Negativity only breeds more negativity. It is a happiness riptide. It will carry you away from shore and if you don’t swim away from it, will pull you under.

4. You have unrealistic and/or uncommunicated expectations.
Among their many shortcomings of your family and friends is the harsh reality that they cannot read your mind or anticipate your whims.Did your boyfriend forget the six and a half month anniversary of your first movie date? Did your girlfriend refuse to call at an appointed hour? Did your friend fail to fawn over your tribal tattoo?Unmet expectations will be at the root of most of your unhappiness in life. Minimize your expectations, maximize your joy.

5. You are waiting for a sign.
I have a friend who won’t make a decision without receiving a “sign.” I suppose she is waiting on a trumpeted announcement from God. She is constantly paralyzed by a divinity that is either heavily obscured or frustratingly tardy. I’m not disavowing that fate or a higher power plays a role in our lives. I’m just saying that it is better to help shape fate than be governed by it.

6. You don’t take risks.
Two words: Live boldly. Every single time you are offered a choice that involves greater risk, take it. You will lose on many of them but when you add them up at the end of your life you’ll be glad you did.

7. You constantly compare your life to others.
A few years ago I was invited to a nice party at a big warehouse downtown. I was enjoying the smooth jazz, box wine and crustless sandwiches. What more could a guy want? Later in the evening I noticed a steady parade of well-heeled people slide past and disappear into another room. I peeked and saw a large party with beautiful revelers dancing and carrying on like Bacchus. Suddenly my gig wasn’t as fun as it had been all because it didn’t appear to measure up to the party next door- a party I didn’t even know existed until just moments before.I do this frequently. Those people are having more fun. Mary has a bigger boat. Craig gets all the lucky breaks. Ted has more money. John is better looking.Stop it.Always remember what Teddy Roosevelt said: “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

8. You let other people steal from you.
If you had a million dollars in cash under your mattress, you would check it regularly and take precautions to insure it is safe. The one possession you have that is more important than money is time. But you don’t do anything to protect it. In fact you willingly give it to thieves. Selfish people, egotistical people, negative people, people who won’t shut up. Treat your time like Fort Knox. Guard it closely and give it only to those who deserve and respect it.

9. You can’t/won’t let go.
These are getting a little harder aren’t they? That’s because sometimes you have to work at happiness. Some hurdles are too difficult to clear by simply adjusting your point of view or adopting a positive mindset.Do you need to forgive someone? Do you need to turn your back on a failed relationship? Do you need to come to terms with the death of a loved one?Life is full of loss. But, in a sense, real happiness would not be possible without it. It helps us appreciate and savor the things that really matter. It helps us grow. It can help us help others grow.Closure is a word for people who have never really suffered. There’s no such thing. Just try to “manage” your loss. Put it in perspective. You will always have some regret and doubt about your loss. You may always second guess yourself. If only you had said this, or tried that.You’re not alone. Find someone who understands and talk to that person. Reach out for support. If all else fails, try #10 below.

10. You don’t give back.
One way to deal with loss is to immerse yourself in doing good. Volunteer. Get involved in life.It doesn’t even have to be a big, structured thing. Say a kind word. Encourage someone. Pay a visit to someone who is alone. Get away from your self-absorption.When it comes down to it, there are two types of people in this world. There are givers and there are takers. Givers are happy. Takers are miserable. What are you?

I think you can just close the movie and it goes back to the article. It's an interesting perspective and I certainly see how the kind of thinking he describes would lead to unhappiness. I always think of myself as a happy person and the article helps explain that as well.

Excellent - thank you for sharing this. I'm with DLM, in that I instantly recognized myself in more than one of the scenarios described, and intend to start doing something about them right now. What a timely reminder.

I do think that some of us simply have temperaments that are hard-wired to be pessimistic. I don't intend to ever lose that side of myself and become anything remotely like a Pollyanna, but I do think I can separate my nature from nurturing thought processes that I know are causing me to feel needlessly unhappy (if that makes any sense).

This is great! My parents preached to us kids about #7. I think I have pretty well taken it to heart. One thing they said stands out - no matter how good someone's life looks on the outside, there are always things they deal with on the inside (that we don't see). No one has a perfect life. No. 9 is a hard one. Forgiving someone is usually doable, forgetting what they have done, not so much. But number 10 rings so true to me and I know I get this from my mom. I was preaching it to my brother not long ago (and he probably thinks mom has come back to haunt him LOL). When you are low, do something to help someone else. I have always felt it helps me as much as it helps the one you are helping.

Thanks for sharing. I'm also going to print this out.

#7 has become worse with instagram. People only post the good things such as having drinks with friends at the newest place in town, but neglect to mention that their boyfriend broke up with them last night. I heard it referred to as the A side and B side of life (for those of us old enough to remember 45"s) It gives people a false sense of how well everyone else is doing and has developed into FOMO (fear of missing out) for many.

I am very guilty of #3.

Closure is a word for people who have never really suffered. There’s no such thing. Just try to “manage” your loss. Put it in perspective. You will always have some regret and doubt about your loss. You may always second guess yourself. If only you had said this, or tried that.You’re not alone.

This really spoke to me. I'm estranged from a friend with whom I once was quite close, and I tend to frequently revisit the series of events that led to us being at this place. I have spent countless hours tossing it around in my head, until it becomes a big ol' *sh__ salad" of regurgitated feelings and regret. And while my tendency to do that has subsided with time, it still happens. I have been advised to "get over it", to move on, to somehow find that closure -- but that's so much easier said than done. I'm coming to appreciate that it's ok to have my feelings, to sit with my feelings, to even roll around in my feelings if I'm compelled. There's no time limitation on pain, is there? So the statement above does sooth me.

ETA: This article is also timely for another situation I'm aware of, and I have shared it with a colleague. Thank you!

@blfenton no question things like Insta can contribute to that comparison but even here - or just life in general talking or texting with my friends I can easily succumb to mind set that everyone else's life is better and mine sucks. For the past year it has mostly revolved around how far away my kids are and the pain (literally physical pain at times) of not knowing when I'll see them again. My granddaughter is 3. I haven't seen her in person since she was 18 months and skype with a 3 year old is, well you can guess.

Similar to #3, one of the hard lessons that comes from therapy - especially therapy relating to moving forward with a loved one after rehab - is to stop forecasting, stop anticipating (usually negative) behavior and live in the moment, granting the loved one space to be well. Sounds easy but it's very, very hard.

Except for loss and closure which is a word I despise, the rest is nothing compared to the bad stuff that happens to people.

Real happiness would not be possible without loss? Manage your loss? Sorry, easier said than done.

Tim Hoch is funny but I'd like to know where his expertise lies regarding how to manage loss. Maybe he means he lost a multi-million dollar case. :)

I think that in experiencing loss, it can help us to truly appreciate the good things, to appreciate happiness. I have to disagree with his thoughts on "closure" somewhat. In my own life, I will say that there are losses where I do now feel closure. Does that change things? You still have to move on with your life and deal with the loss. Nothing takes away the loss, but I do believe there can be closure. It takes effort, it takes time and it takes support and love. But I do believe you can get to a point where you feel closure.

I agree with you, Tina. Not all losses are created equal, and we each experience our unique circumstances -- well, uniquely! I too can think of "losses" in my life with which I've made peace and definitely moved on (and I'm using "loss" to encompass a whole lot of different things that happen in life that separate us from someone or something). I have also had times where I've thought I'd moved on, but something came back up to remind me, or take me "back there" mentally/emotionally, and I've realized that some losses remain processes in progress.

I'm not sure that real happiness isn't attainable without loss, but how would we ever know, since that's something that just doesn't happen to human beings. We don't escape loss, ever, so there's really no hypothetically assuming that it sweetens happiness. There's no way to quantify that.

This is a very good reminder about perspective and staying mentally healthy, thank you for sharing it.

There are a few of these I need to work on, for sure. I think my brain and emotions have become kind of stagnant and exhausted with everything going on in the world — I need to reset the buttons. :)

Re: closure. I agree it can be had in some cases and others not. I will never have it regarding a couple of traumatic, life changing experiences. I’ve just had to learn to live alongside the grief; it will be my constant companion forever. I try to compartmentalize it in a healthy way so that it doesn’t swallow me whole every day. It’s certainly hard to accept the unacceptable.

Like you, Ida, I lost a good friend (after becoming widowed) and it sure did hurt like he** for years, what she did to me, and when she did it, but I truly think I have found closure on it. I hardly think of her anymore — the anger, hurt, and confusion gradually turned to indifference. I’ll never understand her motivations and cruelty, and that’s ok, it is what it is. I don’t hold grudges, I hope she and hers are well, just stay away from me. :D I agree with you that we all have to do things in our own time.

10 is great and I don’t think anyone here has to work at that. From what I’ve seen on this board over the years is that all of you just do this naturally. You want to, and do, help others. I can’t think of anyone here I don’t think is a good person. It comes through very clearly. ❤️

Thank you again for sharing this jojo ... this one really resonates. And I’ve enjoyed reading everyone’s thoughts very much.

Daily meditation and its emphasis on mindfulness has helped me more than anything except prayer— which itself is a kind of dialog of mindfulness. I cannot control much of what happens in the future and I cannot change what has happened in the past. Choosing to live in the present is a gift I give to myself and to my circle of influence as it has made me a better partner, mother, daughter and friend.

That was a wonderful article! It seems absolutely spot-on. Thank you for posting.

Thanks for sharing. It hits a lot of nails on the head of someone I know.

The word "Closure" gained speed after the OKC bombing. "They caught the bomber, now families can have some closure." What b.s.! I'm laughing as I say that. Victims families were begging the public to stop saying that word.

Instead of closure, what about peace? I'm at peace with fill in the blank. Because you know you'll still think of whatever happened and still feel bad. There is no closure.

Ida and Jinx, I too have had that happen and to this day I have zero understanding of what happened to my dear friend, but she basically put her face on the description of intense cruelty--I mentioned it on here once before. Many years later, I've come to the place of "having to accept the apology I never got" and let it go. For my own sake because I've spent thousands of hours of my life trying to understand another person's mental break (what I've had to call the event because it makes no sense). I'll never know. I have trouble holding grudges and would often revisit the good years in my mind, then have the sudden out of nowhere cruelty that went on flash back. Accepting the apology I never got got me over a several year's long hump. I was able to break the rumination cycle on something I had no part in, but was the receiver of. You never know what's going on with someone and maybe you are just in the right place at the right time for a dumpster fire of emotional burning.

Thanks Jojoco for sharing the list. It's a good one.