sal60, I hear you on getting tired before it is all done. I used to able to tear through the house like a cleaning machine, do all the yard work, put dinner on the table and still paint a room before I go to bed. I used to go, go, and go some more. I was, for the most part, a stay at home wife and mother and did EVERYTHING taht had to be done. I still am the one who takes care of the garage and all of the fixing of anything. I even used to get on the second story roof and take care of home maintenance.

But, he is the one who is going to take care of things like the insurance and taking the car for repair.

Now, like you, if get through just one part of any of that, I am finished.

One thing about getting old is that I don't want to leave this life with a bunch of stuff for anyone else to contend with and I am very reluctant to start anything that I can't finish in short order. There are no long term projects on my horizon. I don't have that kind of remaining time, or energy. And, with Covid, you could be gone next week. Of course the reality is that could be true all of the time, but it is much at the fore right now.

I think summersrhythm said it well. For those of you who are married or in long-term relationships, either you or your partner will continue to live after the death of the other. It's a certainty. It's never to soon to plan, arrange, learn and discuss in advance what the survivor will need to have, need to do and need to know.

When my husband was sick, I thought, geeze, things just can’t get any worse. Wrong. No need to be scared anymore because for me, the worse has already happened. You can prepare for it, know the ins and outs of bills, maintenance and so on but loss is the trade you make for love. You can’t have one without the other. My DH took good care of me and I him. Outside of his presence in general, that’s what I miss. After his diagnosis, we had 8 years to stress and be scared and that’s my biggest reqret. I wish we hadn’t allowed his disease to dominate our lives as much as we did. It literally sucked the life right out of us.

Instead of focusing on fear, try to redirect the energy into making the most of every single minute you have together. The one thing that brings me peace is knowing that my DH knew how much I loved and appreciated him. I made sure of that every single day.

It works both ways. I was better at finances and knowledge of mechanical things. My husband was more of a people person. I was told that the doctor had concerns about my health. I made certain that my husband at least knew where the financial things were. Some things like where the various shutoffs are located are best to be known by all members of the household. Make a list of those things that you think you may need to know about then find out about them. Make your SO also find out about the things that they would need to know about.

If you have friends that already lost their SO ask if they are comfortable talking about "life after" and what changes they would have and did make both before and after.

There will be surprises and those surprises may include that your SO has a life after your death if that happens first. Make certain that they know that you want them to have a full life just as you hope they want you to have one if they die first.

I was with my husband for 30 years and married for 23 of them. But I relish being alone. I am perfectly content to be on my own and only reach out to other family members or friends when I feel the need, which is surprisingly not that often, although I do check in on them all regularly by phone or text.

I also adjusted my lifestyle so it was manageable by an aging single female :-) I agree that the stamina and ability to do as much as we did when younger declines with age so I eliminated those types of activities that are now currently beyond my ability. Sometimes personal homeownership is a smart thing to let go of..........

It sounds like you can handle the household things. Annie Deighnaugh post rings a bell for me. Try not to dwell on the scary these things as they can consume you.

Give yourself permission to worry five minutes each day. Preferably not at night,.

Then, move on. Give yourself one project to accomplish every day. Who doesn't have closets to clean out and organize, pantry to go through etc?

If you can, get out of the house every day. Since you shared you are financially stable and don't have to be too concerned about combining errands, do only one a day. This way you know there is a reason to get out and also not too taxing on you.

Plan something to do with your DH. Go for a walk, drive to a scenic park and relax on a bench.

Watch a movie together or tv show.

Not usually, but right now I have something weighing on me. My husband has a lung disease and gets progressively worse. He was recently in the hospital for 10 days. The amount of oxygen he needs now, is so high that it is difficult for him to leave home. He needs to go to the VA in Houston for an evaluation. I don't know how we can keep his oxygen level as high as he needs to go there and back. We have a huge oxygen bottle, but it weighs about 50 lb and is difficult to take with us, and if it runs out, we have nothing that can produce the amount of oxygen he needs.

I have already had to take on all the extra work here. I can do most of it, but it is a strain a lot of the times.

(((((Hugs Marilyn))))

Scared is not the word for me but concerned is. There is a pretty big age difference between SH and I, that almost guarantees that I will be left alone and I do think about how I will be able to manage everything on my own. I do have 2 sons that live kind of close to me, but they have busy lives taking care of their own families. They sure as heck can't run over when I can't get a jar open or fix all the little things my handy husband takes care of. Will just figure some of it out as it comes.

Marilyn, could you call the VA and explain the situation. Perhaps they could help find a solution.

I do worry sometimes not so much about being alone as I am an only child and used to going solo. I would be heartbroken to lose my soul mate. I can do what needs to be done house wise though it will be exhausting. My parents built the house so I know every inch of it and all its mechanics.

The scary part is we own a business and he is the most important part of that business. No one has the breath of skill sets he has but we have been trying to amass a team of people to cover all his skill sets. We were doing well recruiting until COVID hit and now no one wants to work at any price regardless of benefits. It has always been difficult to recruit workers as it is blue collar work and we run 24 hour emergency services but now it's crazy. Best we can do is, I have him well insured. Not ideal but it would be a stop gap at least.

Happened to me already. My DH died of cancer before he had a chance to

enjoy retiring from a job that he did love and doing some traveling that we had planned for so long. My life-saving and strength

came from having our strong daughter. We have 2 grandsons....one who was born

after he died and he never knew.... the other was just under 4 years old..just

a little guy, when DH died. Hard...and I was angry for awhile, but soon felt some relief to see him out of the terrible, terrible

pain. I did learn to be grateful for all the good years we had. And the way

that he loved life and had a good one. I think good thoughts and say a prayer for anyone else not to have to

go through this kind of loss though.

As I had always been the "bill payer, appointment maker, etc., that wasn't a problem

to deal with thankfully. But..he had always taken care of any and all car issues, always! And doing that drove me crazy at first. Then I begin to chuckle a little and

if I needed gas, something went wrong, trade-in time, etc., I learned to just mutter

to "him". Still hate taking care of the car though. LOL Hugs to all of you. Enjoy every single minute you

can...time goes so very fast ..and remember ,"we weren't promised a Rose Garden".

DH and I are both realists, so we've talked and planned, and know where we each keep our forum passwords, lol. But all the planning in the world, how can it prepare you for being alone when you've been together so long? DH goes away for a weekend with his buddies, and I feel all adrift. If it's me left behind, how will I anchor myself again? Well, same way so many others have, I guess -- one day at a time.

What I *do* find distressing is the possibility of developing Alzheimer's. I've seen enough loved ones lose their grip, that I flinch every time I can't remember a name, an event, find it difficult to multi-task like I used to, etc.

I could have written this thread. Yes, I am scared too especially this year. I met my husband in high school( he was in college then) and we have been married a gazillion decades. We live in an 1840 clapboard ten-room farmhouse filled to the brim with antiques I collected for 40 plus years. He also has a defective heart valve which will need to be replaced soon. He manages the money although many bills are automatically paid online. I do inside chores, he does outside. We have two koi ponds which I have not a clue how to maintain. He has had a long retirement from his real job as a forester for the state retiring at 59 and has worked at a golf course all the 22 years since then. I can't see myself living in a retirement home. I have five animals and am not a super social person. The older you get, the more worries one has. As I have said before I force myself to hike four miles a day and I eat healthy as a vegetarian but stuff happens anyway. So I get all of you feeling the same way.

I'm not afraid of being alone. I lived alone most of my life, and enjoyed the lifestyle. I was a first time bride at 61. But I'm terrified of dementia. My mother had Alzheimer's. She was very healthy -- a yoga teacher -- and her body kept going for 14 long years as her brain slowly dissolved. I was always very proud of taking after my mom. Now, every time I forget a word or something I did, it scares me.

I have not read all the responses yet but just had to respond to op. I have been a widow for twenty years now. When my father in law passed away and DH saw how lost his mother was ie didnt know where the deed to the house was or the title to the car and didn't know what was in both names or only the deceased, he made up his mind to be sure I had a good grasp on things. Although at times I didn't want to be bothered as I was busy with other things he gently and firmly made me sit with him to go over mortgage, broker accounts, will, etc even though I had been involved in setting all these things up. It was a good refresher for me.

It is scary to be left alone (I had an 11 year old daughter) and it is difficult but there is support and lots of others in the same "club". It is most important to enjoy each and every day that you have together. Don't let the fear keep you from enjoying today.

If it's me left behind, how will I anchor myself again? Well, same way so many others have, I guess -- one day at a time.

for the first few months, it was one minute at a time for me. the first year, i was in a fog. the second year, i tried to tell myself this was my new normal. it wasn't until the third year that i finally accepted my new normal was permanent although even after 13 years, i have never reached acceptance of his death.

this may sound weird and strange but if one of us had to go first, i'm glad it was gary because i would never want him to have to go through this sort of grief. he always said he would never be able to live without me.

Men all say that they can’t live without you. The truth is there are plenty older fishes in the sea. They will find their matches again in no time. LOL You will find yours too. :-) Cheers

Wow, summersrhythm. Just .... wow. Your post is, to me, a widow, terribly insensitive.

"Men all say that they can’t live without you. The truth is there are plenty older fishes in the sea. They will find their matches again in no time. LOL You will find yours too. :-) Cheers"

Marilyn my sister was in the same situation prior to her death. She had to arrange transport by ambulance well stocked with oxygen to provide the high amount needed. You may have to do that for your husband.

Sure I have concerns about our situation if one of us gets ill or dies. Especially today when my good friend passed away this morning. Her daughter is facing a completely new life without her mother and best friend.

It's never an easy thing to get through.

I agree with Mystical Manns. That comment from summersrhythm was ridiculously insensitive.

Some people are strong, positive, full of inner strength, others aren't. It's not all or nothing, it's a continuum. I think summerhythm was expressing the positive end of the spectrum and one I think where many people are. Not everyone.

Two of my mother's sisters became widowed at somewhat young ages. One in her mid-40s, with a young child, one in her late 50s, with grown children. The one with self-confidence was positive, got on with her life, made new friends and developed new interests and lived happily. The other, with a rather different and tentative personality even beforehand, spent her remaining years in a morose state of mourning. Almost as if a form of PTSD, the death of her husband defined her attitude and the rest of her life.

It was depressing to visit her. This went on for a couple of decades until her own death. She kept his clothes in the closet, his car in the garage (until it started leaking oil after many years) and all of his things around. As if he were coming back.

Life is what you make of it. And also what you don't make of it.

summersrhythm's post may be considered to be insensitive but for many men at least it is true. Many have no idea how much their wife has been doing for them and find that they can not cope. It is much easier especially with friends and family urging them to find someone than for them to learn how to take care of all the comfort things that they miss. Of of the oddities is while friends and families urge men to go out and find a new spouse seldom do they urge women to do the same.

Marilyn, does your husband have a primary care provider at the VA? If so, they should be able to get him evaluated outside the VA if you are too far from the nearest VA hospital. Or, here is the phone number to the Mission Act to see if they can help: 1-844-698-2311. It is supposed to be easier to get help closer to your home than previously.

Regarding the original question to the this post: no, not afraid, I am alone and have been for a long time. I am worried what will happen to my dogs if I die suddenly at home. It'll be awhile before someone comes to find me.

"summersrhythm's post may be considered to be insensitive but for many
men at least it is true. Many have no idea how much their wife has been
doing for them and find that they can not cope."

Source? This is unsupported gender bias, it sounds like you're describing Archie and Edith Bunker.

Many widowed/widower seniors find new relationships and marry or simply "affiliate" in their later years. Last time I looked, a male/female partnership takes one of each, so somehow women have gotten the same memo as the men have and conduct themselves accordingly. I've heard stories that in retirement communities, because women outnumber men because of longer life expediencies, newly arrived single male residents are besieged by females looking to start new relationships. If you looked at that situation and then applied it to the comment I quoted just above, you'd conclude that it's the exact opposite of what was said.

Marilyn just a suggestion to talk to the doctor about. Consider an oxygen concentrator. Your husband's doctor may have to make a special request for the concentrator because some insurance will not pay for it unless there is an urgent medical need which your husband would have. Your husband may need more oxygen than is provided by a battery pack oxygen concentrator and having a backup battery or two with you on the trip to the VA.

I have read the VA is now allowing some care to be done outside of the VA system with the VA paying for it. It may be possible that your husband's doctor's billing office is aware of this.

Sorry Elmer but too many friends in both situations. Men and women of a certain age went from parents home to married home without living on their own. If the men were lucky they may have been in the military and learned how to take care of their immediate surroundings. Women were taught to take care of the inside of a home but not how or what is needed in taking care of a house. When that generation, which I am on the edge of, finally die there will be less people who are unable to cope when they loose their spouse. Then there is sex.

Sal, I'm sorry you feel scared of being alone. It's a very different feeling to live alone when you are not used to it, nor are not looking forward to it (some people with difficult partners long for the time they will be alone). I think, besides often feeling inadequate about accomplishing many chores that men often are responsible for, women can feel very vulnerable about living alone, especially when older. Another person in the home alleviates a lot of that anxiety.

My husband died when we were in our mid 40's. I am an only child and so was used to being alone and actually relished times when he was gone so I had the house to myself. We had a real partnership about things like finances and most household things (he was raised helping around the house and cooking). I have always been a car nut, so was used to knowing what was needed to maintain a vehicle - I didn't ever do it myself, but knew what needed to be done and where/when to take it. I've always been an intrepid driver, so no worries about being stranded in bad weather, etc.

He did most of the outdoor things (although I would mow and trim some of the time), including keeping the gutters clean, the stove pipe cleaned out, etc. We heat with wood some of the time, so he always managed the firewood, but I spent many hours with him in the forest watching him cut and split firewood. I could help haul but never used the chainsaw, but I was always interested in his techniques. When he died, I knew I had to figure out firewood. I couldn't start his McCullough chainsaw, so did some research and bought a Stihl that is easier to start. I knew from watching him, how to operate it safely. I began chopping/splitting and hauling my own firewood and discovered I LOVE doing it. It made me feel so competent and not worried about how I would manage.

Luckily, I have enough money that I can pay for some of the things he did that I'm not willing to do, like get on the roof. But I can jump start a car, charge a battery, change a flat tire, etc. I think the more you can learn to do or at least learn about what needs doing so you can call for professionals to help you, the less scared you'll feel.

Maybe start investigating other living arrangements, so if the time comes that you don't want to remain alone in your home, you can move into senior housing somewhere. Still have your own space, but be surrounded by others who want more social interaction. You don't feel as alone if there is someone on the other side of the wall, even if you are both in your own apartments or condos. I think it's difficult to make new friends when you are in your 80's unless you are surrounded by others who are in the same situation, also missing their old friends.

Covid19 makes it seem much more difficult, but that's not going to be forever (hopefully). Maybe look for a group online that focuses on one of your interests, whether gardening, books, cooking, etc. Like here, but just more outlets for you.

maifleur, you're either describing people who are quite a bit older than I am or there's some regional component because I can't think of anyone I've known over the years who moved from their parent's home to the home of their marriage, nor men who learned "to take care of themselves in the military", nor women who were raised to be a domestic servant and who didn't train or get educated to prepare for gainful employment on their own.

You say you're describing people you know. Don't generalize too broadly, your sample size is quite limited.

On the other hand, I believe the majority of the female retirement community ambush culture incidents I've heard about over they years have taken place in retirement communities in Florida. People from the West Coast don't move to Florida in their retirement but people from the Midwest and East Coast do, so this is maybe a function of something else.

Men all say that they can’t live without you. The truth is there are plenty older fishes in the sea. They will find their matches again in no time. LOL You will find yours too.

that is the second most insensitive comment i've heard in 13 years. the first came from a woman who, going through the receiving line at the funeral home, said to me "you look awesome in that outfit, you should wear it when you start dating again".

Almost as if a form of PTSD, the death of her husband defined her attitude and the rest of her life.

It was depressing to visit her.

She kept his clothes in the closet, his car in the garage (until it started leaking oil after many years) and all of his things around. As if he were coming back.

not to make light of the most often used reason for PTSD (i.e., combat), losing the person you thought you would grow old with actually is a form, at least for me. i don't think it's a stretch at all to make the comparison and unless you have been through it, you cannot possibly understand it.

i keep a couple of his favorite shirts in "his" closet along with his cowboy boots. just seeing those things bring back sweet memories. i keep his tool belt hanging just inside my door. it has his carpenter's pencil, tape measure, some sort of little metal thing i have no idea about, his favorite hammer and several cigarette filters. he always tore those off before he smoked, don't ask me why. seeing reminders of him brings me comfort, they don't make me think he's coming back although i wish it every day.

if you haven't ever lost your once in a lifetime love, i envy you.

Actually being widowed is something no one can comprehend unless it has happened to them. And anyone who hasn't experienced it shouldn't be voicing opinions. Just be thankful if it hasn't happened to you.

Nina two weeks after I buried my husband I received the "do you have a boyfriend" comment. At that time my husband had been in the nursing home for three years. Interesting that among the 20 or so women in the group most do have a male friend. One of the men finally married his girlfriend of about 5 years but they waited a year after his wife died, out of respect of course. One of the things discussed in the caregivers group was whether or not once a spouse was in a home if it was alright to seek companionship. Interesting most of the women said no but the men almost all stated it depended on the circumstances. This is something that spouses should talk to each other about before the time comes.

Not scared really. I dread it though. SO is almost 18 years older than me, smokes like a chimney, doesn't eat right, and works too much. He has talked openly about how I will be "fine" when he goes. In some ways I suppose I will. I have a BIL who is a contractor that already takes care of things that need fixing at my house, as SO, as I said, works too much to really tackle them. He(my BIL) and my sister have 6 children and some of them at least have shown interest in following in his footsteps. I will then always have someone I can trust to hire to fix things. I make sure the bills are paid. He just hands over what I say i need to cover them, and I pay them. In the day to day managing of practical things, I will be fine.

I do not fear being alone, per say, but I will miss him DREADFULLY. I have never had an issue with being single, and indeed, it took a lot of persuading for me to enter into a relationship with him. I will not miss having someone, I will miss HIM. If he goes first, I will be that woman who keeps her mans stuff in the closet as a source of comfort, not as a shrine though. I very much doubt that if he dies before me, I will want a different man in my space, making noise and bothering me.

On the same note, I told SO that if something were to happen to me , I understand if he wants to be with another woman. I also told him that he better take my life insurance money and buy her another house, because if he brings her into ours, I will haunt them both.

Nina two weeks after I buried my husband I received the "do you have a boyfriend" comment.

maifleur, it really makes you wonder how many brain cells some people have!

Maifleur, I also know many people that went from their parents home to their marriage home. I was one of them. And it just isn't just the older people. With the cost of rent and homes more and more young adults are staying in their parents homes to save money for when they do marry. My son and DIL commuted to their separate universities and lived at home to save money for a home of their own after they graduated and got married.

My 3 BILs, a nephew and several cousins kids went to the military from their parents home.

I think men are more self sufficient in this day and age. When my parents were retirement age they started attending AARP meetings. My mom use to say that the widowers were like bucks during rutting season. They wanted a woman to take care of them. To clean their homes, cook their meals, wash their clothes. The widows wanted no part of it. They been there, done it, and weren't going to doing it again.

function your mother voiced what I have seen all of my life. I have been wondering about the younger people who are not leaving their parents home sometimes not even when they marry but that is something to be seen in the future.

Maifleur, how can they afford to leave their parents home with the prices of homes and rents.

"how can they afford to leave their parents home with the prices of homes and rents"

By preparing themselves through vocational training or education for good paying jobs and then getting one upon completion. Or by pursuing a career in the military

To clean their homes, cook their meals, wash their clothes.

Oh, my goodness, not even in my grandparents' generation could I imagine such thinking. Wow.

Ditto. zalco.

I know wages are different around the country but a university education is going to get you a starting wage job between 50 to 75 thousand a year here. The average family home is $200, 000. At 20 % ($40,000) down on a $50,000 wage isn't going to get you a home for years. Not until the young person can get established in the company and save up enough money.

function they did what many did when I was younger and many poorer people still do. They found places to live that were much less than what their parents lived in. They shared an apartment sometimes in not quite nice neighborhoods. They simply did without things sometimes those things included food. I took a term off from school and lived with some young women and found out that they counted the number of pieces of bread in a loaf and made certain that the package of lunch type meat or cheese had enough to last all four of them a week. Most were proud that they did and could be adults without asking their parents for help.

Some did what Elmer suggested by joining the military but the time I am writing about was during Vietnam and most men did not have that choice,

A person just starting in their career shouldn't aspire to buy a home immediately. Too many reasons not to, few reasons to. Nor, in many areas, should they expect to afford an apartment without roommates. That's part of a young adult's adventure.

At current mortgage rates, a $160K mortgage at 3.1% is less than $700 per month.

Homes in much of the country are considerably more expensive than the number you cite but again, this isn't something I think a young graduate or job starter should even consider for many years to come.

Not so nice neighborhoods of yesteryear were quite different as not so nice neighborhoods of today. We lived for a year in a not so nice neighborhood when we were first married. I had no fear of walking down the street, being robbed, or my apartment broke into, or having my car missing in the morning. Times have changed.

function, that depends on where exactly you are. When I was growing up, and as a young single woman living in two different cities, I had to be very careful about where I went, especially when I was on my own. My children, who both lived in somewhat sketchy neighborhoods (with roommates) when they were starting out, had no such fears. In those east coast big cities, at least, life has gotten much safer than it was 40 years ago.

You still have to be careful both in good neighborhoods as well as not so nice ones. Both have their problems. There are really few if any safe neighborhoods in any era. The type of crime may be different but each has crime.

Sure, you always need some basic street smarts. But when I walk down a city street these days I usually don't have to worry about being mugged in broad daylight. That wasn't the case in, say, 1980.

The preconceived notions and biases some of you express and some of the broad generalizations that have been mentioned up and down this thread - "this must be how it is everywhere and for everyone because this is what I think"- take my breath away.

I have always taken care of everything in our household. We will be married 50 years this March. Husband was a doctor, hardly home. Long nights, emergency calls, on duty at the hospital. I learned very early, I ran everything.

I was only 21 when we married, he was 16 yrs older. We met at the hospital where we both worked. He is now 88 and I'm 71. He is not doing well. I've become his caretaker. Since Covid, his life has gone downhill. He volunteered in various ways, was a classical musician and involved in a musical group which met weekly. He is also a photographer and very involved in the local photography group. All that changed in March with the virus. So he has gone downhill in a way that so concerns me.

We moved to Florida when he retired. Big mistake! . Now we can't meet with anyone, friends. He is isolated as am I but he has gone downhill mentally and physically.

I've handled everything our entire marriage. I do not worry about being alone as I spent most of our marriage alone.

However, I fear being alone at night. Sounds weird but I truly have a fear about being along at night. We always had dogs, large dogs that we loved and I trained and actually showed. Now we do not have a dog.

I don't want a dog because I am not happy living in Florida. We are originally from NYC and I truly want to move back to be closer to our daughter who lives in Connecticut. I don't need help dealing with my circumstance but would like to be closer to my daughter, and granddaughters who we haven't been able to see since March.

This virus has put us all in a difficult situation. Being cut-off from friends and family. Feeling so isolated. We should have never left NY.

Jane

I am one who moved from my parents home into my husband's (and mine). We married the month he graduated from college and I was a senior. I finished college in the town where his first job was. A year later we had a son, two years later we bought a darling two-story house in a great neighborhood where everyone it seemed on our street had the minimum of two kids. Three years later my daughter was born. But I was nothing like June Cleaver or my own mother. I was actively involved in democratic politics and animal rescue. Still am to this day.