I love wisteria. I kept mine away from the house. It had about fizzled out because a pecan seedling I let grow is shading it out. There are a couple of pics on the internet of wisterias that show both sides of the beast, how beautiful they can be. One shows one that looks like it has spread over acres in full bloom, and anther one shows how they can literally move a house off its foundation. I'll see if I can find them again.

I'd tell her she better go and snoop herself. Why would she send you instead of doing it herself anyway? And, why would he leave a prescription for Viagra laying around/wouldn't it be at the drug store or in his wallet? What could you tell from the "phone records" without doing a little more research? Don't they have a trash service at his office...or does it just not get taken out if he is out of town? Why wasn't your friend waiting with baited breath to see what you found if she knew you were going to be snooping? Guess I have more questions than answers to give you. Anyway, offer to watch her kids, and tell her she better go take a look herself.

SHE MUST GET OUT. Period. This person could kill her - I am not exaggerating. The sooner and faster the better. Physical abuse is a deal breaker. Having said that, I realize that she won't leave him on her own volition...right now. But here are some suggestions: 1) Do some research for her - find a women's shelter that puts women in protective care and keeps their whereabouts confidential...the kind that basically helps them "disappear," and offers counseling on a daily basis. Have it ready if/when she's ready to consider it. 2) Unless she is convinced that she must leave, she will almost certainly return, even if she were to leave for awhile. Find a counselor in your area who specializes in women's issues and abuse issues, and encourage (STRONGLY and CONTINUALLY encourage) her to visit. 3) Call the cops. Ask them what you can/should do as someone who knows what's going on. They can advise you on what - if anything - you may be able to do if the situation you described happens again. 4) Keep her trust and be her friend so that you can be her confidante. You may be the only person she's telling and she needs to be telling someone. Even if you "push" a bit to get her out of her home, always let her know how much you care about her, and that you're there for her. Get her talking about the abuse (ask her how she feels when it's happening, ask her if she thinks it's okay for a husband to beat his wife, etc.). Also talk to her about how she sees herself - chances are she has a very low view of herself and you can help "re-frame" her views by telling her how valuable you think she is. Sometimes an "a-ha" moment is possible for a person when they begin to hear themselves talk. And keep telling her - with as much urgency as you can - that she should never be treated this way by anyone and that she needs to get out ASAP. 5) Find out if she's talking to anyone else about this. If she has family that are reliable and who know what's going on, consider putting together an "intervention," wherein everyone sits her down for a "come to Jesus" talk about the danger she's in. It's good that you want to be her friend. She's lucky to have you.

I think even if you share a household, you need to learn some boundaries. To protect yourself, mostly. But also because it's right. True, your mom is too "lazy" to make those albums. But maybe that's just a pipe dream; maybe she thinks she "ought" to put photos in albums, and just can't admit that she doesn't really WANT to. That's often behind people's laziness--the fact that the benefits of that thing are just not apparent. If people don't do something, I believe it's because they don't genuinely WANT to. No matter what their mouth says. (and frankly, there is NO empirical benefit to putting photos in albums w/ fancy paper and stickers. The fancy paper and stickers are make-work, and should be done only by those people who get some sort of artistic satisfaction out of doing it. Your mom obviously doesn't get enough satisfaction to bother with it. She's ALLOWED not to want to actually follow through on her albums. Of course it would be nice if she could be honest with herself and say, "I'm content w/ these photos in boxes, and I'm going to stop kidding myself that I'll really make albums," and then toss the excess scrapbooking stuff. But having only recently been through that process, I can tell you that it's not an easy one. It involves creating an entirely new self-image.) I think you need to stop taking responsibility for "fixing" your mom--whether she's morally deficient ("irresponsible and immature") or ill ("psychological disorder"). You *can't* fix her. She's a grownup, and if she's going to change, it will be only because she wants to. You can't even make her go to a psychiatrist to see if medications would help her (say, if she has OCD), because she is NOT your legal dependent. I think you need to just NOT focus on her, and her stuff. No more going "room to room" and making lists of all the ways she is deficient. I know you live there, but it's not your space. Focus your energy on getting out, and on making your life be what you want. Try to maintain calm and order in the places where it affects you, and then, regarding all else, close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears, and say "la, la, la!" Try to have your own life settled so that if you *need* to "be there" for your little sisters, you can, but don't take on that responsibility too rapidly. A 17-year-old can watch over a 12-year-old, and your dad is part of the family too. Few people have actually died because the corners of the living room are stacked full of out-of-date textbooks, etc. Also, you need to spend some energy, not on fixing things in your parents' marriage, but on getting OUT from "in between." Stop taking ANYBODY's side in any of their disputes or problem. LEAVE THE ROOM! I'm not trying to be snippy. I'm just trying to make you see that you are reaching beyond where you ought to. And your basic assumption--that *you* need to "fix" all these problems in your parents' lives--is wrong. You need to "declutter" that assumption--toss it in the garbage. That assumption is YOUR equivalent of old issues of magazines, etc. You can't fix those problems. So stop trying to. You'll find it amazingly freeing.