We just went through this last month with DH's mother. There was an immediate family only graveside service and we plan on having a proper memorial at a later time. We live across the country and didn't attend for fear of infecting DH's 89 yo father by being exposed during our travels. You have my sympathies, the death of a beloved family member is stressful enough, all the covid worries just add insult to injury.

I am sorry you are going through this, but if it's any help, the virtual arena was pretty ok.

The idea of it is stranger than the reality was at least for me.

Last month a somewhat distant cousin died. I had mentioned this that it was my first funeral via zoom as well as the shiva. It was actually - given the situation- a pretty comforting (to the family ) tribute and it did allow anyone who wanted to speak, a chance to do so. (the actual graveside was private and I understand that it was limited to I think 3 people but I might not have that totally accurate and maybe that varies by state).

i am hoping for a positive outcome, Gardener. Last month my my dh’s stepsister lost her father-in-law to this horrible virus. They are Jewish and sat Shiva via Zoom. He was a pillar in his community and over 250 people “stopped by” according to the signin count on screen. Family members were called on one by one to share their thoughts. There were 18 of them who spoke. The rabbi orchestrated everything. It was beautiful and reverent. I truly hope you don’t have to use this information. ❤️

We have had two friends of the family pass away during this pandemic. Both had the zoom funerals and private graveside service. A friend of a friend passed away and they had a private graveside service but are planning a memorial service (celebration of life) as soon as they are allowed. So sorry you are going through this.

Everyone that I have know or know the family of those that has died since this epidemic started died from causes other than the virus. I can't imagine how hard it is for the immediate family to not receive the comfort and care of others. As Tina said I would wait and plan a memorial service as soon as they are allowed.

I very much appreciate everyone's kind words. Jojoco, how did they manage 250 people? Did they post the link someplace and people joined in? Was it Zoom? I imagine there is a maximum meeting size?

Praying for a positive outcome. It's sad enough to lose a loved one but not being able to share the grief and the joy of having had that loved one in your life makes it even more difficult.

Gardener- I don't know the limitations for zoom, but for my family, yes they emailed and I think maybe posted the link. For shiva for example they said it would be from 6 to 8. Most people did not "Stay" for the full 2 hours but so many people were able to communicate. I think at any given time the most I saw was about 40 screens.

Can you put together a video or slide show of pictures throughout his life? Share it with friends and family. I truly hope he recovers and you don’t need it now. Maybe give him a laugh that he can attend his own funeral,when he recovers.

in all seriousness, I wish you and him well. Most people seem to be postponing memorial services until the appropriate time.

We opted to postpone. I agree than virtual events can be surprisingly satisfying (look at this wonderful forum!) but we want a memorial service where people can hug and sit next to each other and share a meal and memories. I am hoping on the 1-year anniversary that might be possible.

I wish you and yours well.

I think you're making a good decision. In having a later memorial some of the shock & sadness wears off and that time together, even though it's for a sad situation, can be more enjoyed.

Gardener, I am hoping and praying for a positive outcome. He sounds like a remarkable and very admired man.

As for the limitations on Zoom, there are upgrades that will allow for 250 (or even more) participants. It is getting into the paid subscription category for both number of people and amount of time you can conduct the meeting, with add-ons for recordings (audio or video). I’m quite sure a church or synagogue, for example, would have such a paid plan if they had a larger congregation. There are several levels other than the free, 40-minute version.

Greetings gardener123 ... who may be uncertain about rows 4, 5 and 6 ... but knows for sure that wewantsophie,

I am unsure, given your concern of reality coming at you like a freight train, as to whether you are somewhat expecting that your patriarch's continuing life in this dimension may be coming to an end. That is a very difficult issue that in the ordinary course of living we don't like to contemplate: including this character who, in reasonably good health, is (slightly) closer to 100 than to 80!

Then you speak of should your worst fears being realized and proceed to consider post-death planning, which leads me to think that you are considering your worst fears to be his death.

May I offer an alternative suggestion? Some aged people, having undergone a very serious illness and having pulled through, are left so seriously disabled that they consider their continuing life to be of very little value, with little prospect of improvement.

In this current covid situation, which is especially hard on old people whose auto-immune systems are low, many have been left with serious lung issues on a continuing basis, making breathing extremely difficult.

I think that some people left seriously disabled may consider that situation worse than death.

Unaware as I am of your loved one's prospects should he survive, I am reluctant to offer the message above and hope earnestly that it does not give you more fear, uncertainty and pain.

How pleased and thankful you must be to see the many tributes offered by so many people who felt blessed by his kindness. What a fine example he has offered to not only you, his loved ones, but to the community in which he lived, and we are in great need of such examples in these troublous times.

Some have referred to faith connections but I do not find such a reference in your message. While you may not wish to consult funeral practitioners about the size of groups and other circumstances related to death, if you have connections to a faith group, if you consult those leaders, I'm sure that they will be able to offer such information.

As has been said, likely there will be severely restricted numbers allowed at a funeral gathering these days so, especially considering his having touched the lives of so many in such a positive manner, that a celebration of his life at a later time, possibly on an anniversary, might please many.

Thank you for sharing your current pain with us. I hope that you find a measure of satisfaction, community spirit and peace of heart from having done so.

I offer prayers on behalf of all of you at this stressful time and send my good wishes to you.

In our area, news this morning was that 20% of our covid sufferers are inmates and staff of seniors' long term care facilities and 80% of deaths are seniors.

ole joyful

Gardner, as others have said, the link was sent to a list of friends. Everyone put his or her mic on “silent” and the rabbi called on family members one by one to speak. The shiva was two hours long. At the end, friends were invited to speak if they wanted to. We did not stick around for that part. I have no idea how you get Zoom for that many people. As I said, the rabbi took care of that.

best of luck to you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

DH‘s mother died Sunday night and I think the plan is for a small service in the funeral home led by her former pastor for immediate family only, and same for graveside. If a lot of extended family members are invited or allowed to come I will not be attending. That may sound harsh but I have my own 87year old mother to think about. A funeral in Albany Ga yielded a rash of Covid 19 cases that at one point gave the city the dubious honor of having the most cases in the US per capita. Funerals and wedding, graduations and all big celebrations are just not wise right now.

I am so sorry this is happening to you and your family. Will be hoping and praying he pulls through for all of you.

My condolences, Kswl2 on the passing of your MIL. It does not sound harsh at all. Risk vs benefit must be taken into consideration at this time.

So sorry and a sad situation made worse by this pandemic. I do hope the attendees maintain social distancing, but it’s hard not to hug under these circumstances.

My friend died a few years ago after a short, rough bout with cancer, and it was impossible get the word out to all of his friends in time for the funeral. His wife felt like he hadn't really had a proper send-off, so she decided to have a "Celebration of Life" about a year later, on his birthday. She held it in a theater for which he'd designed and had been in the process of installing state of the art sound and projection systems, which made it extra poignant. Perhaps something similar could be done for your family patriarch, in a place that meant something special to him.

(As an aside, my friend had married late in life, just two years prior. He was well-loved with many ex-girlfriends, and a lot of the hundreds of contacts in his phone were listed by initials or nicknames. To spare is wife having to make these mystery calls, I took the job of doing them. I remember one call was to a guy who it turned out barely knew my friend. We chatted about my reason for calling and I mentioned the girlfriends. The guy got all excited and said he wanted to come to the memorial to meet girls! Which, I know my friend would have appreciated.)

My sincerest sympathies for the losses you have endured and shared here, and my endless gratitude for your insight and kindness.

joyfulguy, you made me laugh, then shed a few poignant tears. Of course you are right. You wrote so eloquently on what I know to be true, but what still felt like treachery as recently as yesterday. (Was your post really just yesterday?) Like my gratitude for the sentiments of others who were kind enough to post here, know that your words are well received, and that they bring comfort. My faith is strong, and I leave him in God's hands even as I seek the grace to be at peace with His will.