Bbstx, maybe not quirky but....it sounds like my friend who was diagnosed with Barrett’s Esophagus. What your friend ate sounds pretty much like my friend’s diet.

When we go out to dinner with them she will explain that she is on a restricted diet, no citrus that could be hidden in a dressing, no tomatoes etc.

Getting back on topic, sometimes if I remember I carry a few English Breakfast tea bags in my bag.

i guess I’m becoming an “old lady” but sometimes I don’t want to settle for something I don’t like while out dining, I would not do this in an upscale restaurant, but one that is casual and local and for lunch not dinner.

Mtn ”But I said yes, and then slipped out and drive to our local liquor store” this is soooooo you!

I typically brew a full pot of coffee when I host. But I know not everyone will want it. As a host, these are my friends. I want to easily accommodate all requests.

By "as a hostess" I mean that, since "as a hostess," I would certainly hope that my guests didn't think that just because I went to a lot of trouble to make a nice, formal meal, I would judge them for asking for a cup of hot water. Since that is my view "as a hostess," I am assuming that any hostess would feel the same when I am their guest. If a hostess thought making me tea was too much effort, I'd say they don't really want to host me at all.

Perfectly said, @Zalco/bring back Sophie! I was thinking about this a minute ago. The original question was framed as what would we do as a guest. And a lot of what I would do as a guest depends on the level of “guest-ship.” Am I at my sister’s and its a family dinner? Am I at the home of a mere acquaintance or is it someone I’ve known for eons? The level of formality and the degree of friendship would greatly inform my actions.

FWIW, I don't consider bringing one's own teabag and using it at a dinner party to be rude, I consider it to be tacky.

I'd think it simply ... eccentric?

I don't consider it tacky. If you love this tea after dinner and don't expect that the host would have it, why not? It's not like bringing your own sandwich if you fear you may not like the host's cooking.

I still think that it all depends on the company you're with. Would you pop out your own teabag if, say, you had been invited to dine at the home of your new boss? That's a completely different scenario than bringing your drink of choice to your mom's or best friend's house. Ah, but the scene that was set by the OP said "dinner party", so we're each bringing our own experiences "to the table" when we answer, and maybe that's really ok. This is one of those questions that it's impossible to have everyone agree on, as circumstances and experiences, and even the way we imagine this hypothetical "dinner party", will vary widely.

So true Ida! In my area a dinner party would be either slightly more formal or very formal compared to an invite for a cookout. A cookout even has different meanings but normally if one says come over for some burgers it means casual, you could wear flip flops. Come over for steaks on the grill, still casual but nicer casual, sundress or shorts with dressy top and normally on the patio (I’m in S. FL). In the grilling scenario it may or may not be okay to seek hot water for your own tea if not offered. Do you know the hosts very well? Will they mind if you get in the way?

At more formal settings with food courses I would accept or decline what was offered to me. If the host was offering chicken I wouldn’t ask for shrimp. Sometimes a lot timing goes into creating the ultimate home dinning experience and it would be rude to throw the hostess off her game.

I think the only thing that isn't okay is making a big deal of it either way. Gracious hosting and guesting means people being put at ease and enjoying themselves. If someone makes a reasonable request at a reasonable time (don't ask me after I just sat down and you could have asked me 5 minutes ago and let me get it while I was getting everything else., etc.) - no big deal. If someone fails to offer or says no they don't have it -- no big deal. If it was, it was on you to deal with it before the event.

If I didn't want the coffee, I'd just say no thank you. And if I did need some liquid, no one ever objects to someone taking a glass of water. (If I have a couple hours to drive home, I'll take the coffee, but if it is closer, I'll just decline.)

I do offer tea or coffee to guests - unless I already know their preferences. Very local folk don't want coffee at night because they want to sleep shortly after leaving here. Otherwise, it all depends.

To clarify, runninginplace said "OMG that's beyond rude!" and I was responding to that.

And I do agree with lascatx that best etiquette practices are about making sure people feel at ease.

This brings back wonderful memories of me helping my Mom host dinner parties as a child. We would have dessert usually around the large coffee table in the living room. Mom had two big plastic trays, which she would fill up with her china teacups and china dessert plates and the good silverware usually. She's put a big kettle on the stove for hot water, and I'd have to ask and count the folks who wanted coffee or tea. I come from a long line of exclusively tea drinkers, but of course others are exclusively coffee. Mom would put a tsp. of instant coffee in the coffee cups and a teabag in the teacups, and then pour the hot water in all of them. I'd carry the tray out to the living room. The tea drinkers were identified by the teabag in the cup. Back then in the 60's instant coffee was not considered the gauche thing it is now. It was a marvel of the modern world, lol! The second tray would be some type of Sara Lee cake, Mom was not a baker. We had a good friend who was diabetic and he always brought his own treats. Our cat would make an appearance for everyone to admire her, and sometimes attempt to flip a teacup off the coffee table with her tail if she didn't think she was getting enough attention or no one had decided it was time for her to retreat to the basement with the door shut. I don't think decaf was the issue back then that it would be for me now. These folks were young back then and it was a weekend so they would stay up late, long past my bed time. My brother and I would sneak back downstairs and hide behind the curtain covering the stairwell so we could listen in on the fun. If the cat hadn't been put away, she would usually rat us out. In the morning I would help mom clear the trays and wash and put away the china and silverware. How I miss those days!

Ipinkmountain, your lovely memory reminded of a routine by comedian Sebastion Maniscalo that I love to watch.....and so will you.

"Doorbell" routine by Sebastion Maniscalo

Pink, I love that story/memory!

I don’t have a coffee maker and don’t plan on buying one unless I came across a cheap used one of quality. Gauche or not, my guests will get this, Trader Joe’s instant coffee. I enjoy it once in a while and think it very tasty. Otherwise, I’m a tea drinker but nothing after 4:00.

As a guest at a dinner party I would not ask for tea if only coffee was offered. As a host, I offer coffee and tea with dessert. At that point in the evening I’m clearing the table and am in the kitchen making coffee so it’s just not a big deal to boil water for tea. I keep a variety of teas on hand, but can understand that this might not be the case for some. If we didn’t drink it maybe it would be otherwise..Often we serve a dessert wine, but I still offer coffee and tea.

Rhizo, love that.

BTW I love how we can create controversy here, out of thin air, over minutiae. Honest. It's kind of a relief.

DLM and Sue, I'm sitting next to you at those "dinner parties." I've been at and have hosted many a dinner, but we don't call it a dinner party. When our "guests" arrive I always offer them something to drink, whether it be tea (cold), coffee, or a soda. After dinner they get it themselves. If the dinner is buffet style, aka the kitchen countertops, they get seconds all on their own too.

My parents had dinner parties but I don't know what went on because I stayed upstairs in my room. They probably had coffee and liquor. :)

We loved when our parents had dinner parties or hosted bridge night. We got to watch tv in our parents room, in their bed, then went to bed in our own rooms. In the morning, some remnants of the party were still out and we’d suck on sugar cubes while watching tv, because the parents were still asleep!

My answer would totally depend upon who was hosting the party and how well I knew them.

So my vote would be it depends on the circumstances. There are times I know the people well enough to gauge whether such a request would be fine. However if it was a formal event, and/or I didn't know the person very well I would keep my mouth shut and just really enjoy my water. :)

I do not drink coffee, and I only have one guest who asks for it, and he is fine with instant coffee, which stores well in the pantry. I drink one cup of tea in the morning and none after that. When having guests for dinner, I generally do not make dessert but instead offer a small cordial of liqueur, and I have a huge selection of those. My guests are fine with that. When I was in my 20s, I baked desserts for a restaurant in San Francisco and got to take home free samples of my work (so that I could see how they came out), and I would offer these to my guests back then. These days, if I have a dessert, it is usually fruit or a sorbet, but I almost never have dessert after a meal when I am out of the house.

I think I am past the coffee-and-dessert-after-dinner stage in my life. Of course I would decline to have coffee after dinner at someone else's house and would prefer not to be offered dessert, as I would feel obligated to eat some of it if offered. I would be happy if Terrilynn offered me a cordial of Frangelico, however.

I grew up in a tea drinking family. We only had instant coffee in the pantry. When I was young, guests usually got beer or wine or some alcoholic drink after dinner, and in my house, tea was the only hot beverage on hand. No dessert, too poor. Now, ironically, I have a bladder condition and can't drink wine or tea, only coffee which for some reason doesn't bother me. And sweet wine. But I look at a dessert or sweet wine and gain weight. Most of my friends have various things they can't eat or drink either, few can have dessert like Lars describes. A request for a special beverage due to some type of health concern seems to be the norm now. My life changed when I got an instant hot water pot. I can heat up water at a flip of a switch. No more melted tea kettles from forgetting, even with the whistle. Also nowdays we have microwaves for the random cup of tea, not like back in my youth.

No one I know even has dinner parties. I'd love to go to one. I haven't been in over a year when a friend invited me. She was a good friend and would have made whatever we wanted. Luckily we all agreed on decaf coffee. I haven't been to a formal dinner party in over ten years. I can only imagine if I didn't know the folks well I would try and keep a low profile.

Yes Rhizo I have seen Maniscalo's routine about having special things "for company." I grew up like that, although I only tasted Enteman's when I visited a big city. Sadly I think Enteman's and Sara Lee both declined in quality and are either out of business or no longer the business they once were. I still like to bake but can't hardly eat anything that isn't direct nutrition, I have to practically stay hungry all the time to avoid gaining weight these days. Subsequently, I usually have some of my own baked good frozen now, since I can't eat a whole recipe before it spoils. But alas, my opportunities for company are rare. Makes me sad, since I recall having lots of company as a kid. My Dad and Mom were both very social. I'm social too, but no one I know is social, so no one to even invite. Very hard to get my sandwich generation friends together these days. Maybe when and if we ever retire. But a lot of my older friends are raising grandkids these days . . . no dinner parties.

The weirdest thing that happened to me is when some good friends visited, stayed for 3 hours right around dinner time, and wouldn't take anything, even a glass of bottled water! I had set out some corn chips and salsa, grapes and cheese and crackers, with various sodas to drink, it was summer. No water even! And they had a five hour drive home, so obviously they weren't comfortable even drinking bottled water at my house, I couldn't even get them to take some water for the road. One of my best friends. Oh well, love them but that was very weird.

We rented a beach house for an after party for after our wedding reception since the venue was a no alcohol one. Most folks had to hit the road, and the ones who didn't didn't hardly drink one thing, health, tired, etc. It's sad how restrained my parties are these days . . . oh well. There's a song by one of my favorite singer/songwriters Greg Brown called "Who would have thunk it." One line goes, "We used to say I could walk all night, and we could and we did. Down that gravel road, to that tiny town, and the door always opened. Now we say I could walk all night. It's not true. We can't walk all night, no, because we don't want to. We want a bed and a blanket, some light breakfast, sometime tomorrow. And I sing it now, hey hey, hey hey, who woulda thunk it" Pretty much sums it up for me, sadly.

rhizo_1 (North AL) zone 7 OMgosh! That was our house exactly in the 50's. Except after the guests left, and her party voice gone, Mom would fuss about people showing up unannounced. LOL

I don't think I've been to a dinner party at someone's house for 10 years either. When I gave parties, they took place in the afternoon in my back yard, and I served no desserts and no coffee or tea, with the exception of home-made ice cream.

People in Los Angeles tend to have "parties" at restaurants, which I hate, and all the guests have to pay their percentage of the restaurant bill. The restaurants always add 18%-20% gratuity, and each guest pays the same amount, regardless of what they order. This is not my idea of a party.

In Mexico City, one friend would give dinner parties on a regular basis, and he would never allow anyone to contribute - he provided everything, but then he was a multi-millionaire - in dollars, not pesos.

I think people are working so much these days that it’s hard to commit to having a dinner party or going to a dinner party. I think it easier for the young or childless young and retirees or when one of the parents is a stay at home. When I was child there were only a handful of mom’s that worked full time. Also, kids did activities together mostly unsupervised and in the neighborhood. Kids walked or biked to get places. It was less of a third job running them around. Oh, better add this...we walked miles and miles in the snow to get to school lol.

Yes, my folks' circle of friends with kids entertained a lot when I was young. They left us totally unsupervised, with the rule being, "Don't bother us and for-sure don't make us have to leave the party to discipline you, then you'll really be in trouble." Tattlers were dismissed and shooed away. We handled our business, lol! I survived relatively unscathed, although I did spend a lot of my time as a kid dodging attacks by brothers, or with kid's I didn't particularly have anything in common with or like, or worse than that, bored. Good life lessons in all of that. Ironically, we all have pretty fond memories of those days, whenever I encounter one of those people who were kids in the pack back then. Don't know if we would have felt the same if you had asked us when we were kids though . . . funny how that works.

I threw a housewarming party three years ago and half of the guests were no shows. I had a ton of food left over. Most of my friends socialize almost exclusively with family from what I can tell. The lure of grandkids is strong. Wish we had some close by . . .

A bit of a digression, but are Supper Clubs just a southern thing? Supper Clubs are usually a group of friends who get together on a regular basis for dinner and take turns hosting. The host prepares the entree and the other members bring sides, salads, desserts, etc. It is NOT potluck, it is planned. From there, it takes all sorts of variations. I have a friend whose Supper Club group (6 couples) meets every other month, usually in someone’s home. But from time to time, they will go to someone’s beach house for a long weekend or out to dinner if there is a new restaurant they all want to try. My SIL’s supper club has themes, like Mexican night.

I suppose the cookbook club I’m in is similar, except we don’t include spouses and we use a luncheon format. There are 8 of us. We meet 8 times a year and have 8 “courses” each time. We cook out of one cookbook each year. This year it is Everyday Dorie. The hostess chooses and prepares the entree. The other courses are cocktails, appetizer, soup, salad, side, and dessert. Whoever was hostess the previous month brings the wine.

Don’t know Bbstx, I'm in the fake south (south Florida). I used to be a member of a Bunko club that would meet every month. Hosting was done in turns, lots of informal food and free flowing wine. Always best to sit next to as opposed to across from those with long fingernails. Bunko people will know what I'm talking about.

Having read some of the posts about the increasing rarity of dinner parties, it might be that times are changing as far as folks understanding manners and even the manners they consider proper. Almost everyone I know is taking a more casual approach to just about everything, from entertaining to work attire to decorating. Not that there aren't exceptions. I learned manners and developed my entertaining style by helping my mom as a kid. My mom, on the other hand, learned hers from books (she was a librarian) and women's magazines which were at their heyday when she was a young housewife. The younger set is getting at least some of their cues from online, both short videos and text articles. Lots of "oversharing" if you ask me, and a focus on "you be you." Not much on accommodating others. So if you would combine that with some issues around beverage preference, I can well understand why someone might make such a request. I wouldn't, because if I was visiting someone else's house, it would not be "all about me." But isn't "it's all about me" the new ethos of our times? Seems that way to me. Considering others' feelings is viewed as being a "snowflake." Again, not saying this is the case with everyone, just tossing it out there as a possible explanation of why people nowdays are so insistent on a whole variety of food preferences.

Also, my husband is introverted, and he often insults people without meaning to, he cannot even wrap his brain around some people's preferences and feelings as being valid if he doesn't think or feel the same way. He's just not wired to consider other's feelings. He aims to please as far as being a "doer" of tasks, but is often rude in his body language or behavior in social situations. He'll come to your house, do all your yardwork for free, and then piss you off because he won't stay to chat over coffee after. My brother is the same way, very introverted, very awkward in social situations, and very particular about what he eats and drinks due to having a lot of food sensitivities due to bad allergies. My brother is in his 50's, and a life of self absorption has left him very limited in his social skills. And he gets very defensive when confronted with how his behavior might affect others. Think Sheldon Cooper from the Big Bang Theory . . .my brother has friends but they are very easy going and accommodating/understanding of quirks.Again, just tossing that out there as another explanation of why someone would do things that are a tad rude.

Bbstx, in Wisconsin there are supper clubs, but they are a very different thing than in the south, I guess! They are more like a restaurant.

I’m curious. Justerrilyn What’s that about long fingernails and where to sit?

IMO, supper clubs are old school social activities that never went away completely and can go by different names now. My parents were part of a gourmet dinner 'club' in 60s/70s, and always entertained a lot. Sometimes a bit more formal, more often what was considered 'casual' back then, which meant a buffet/potluck instead of a sit-down dinner. And of course holiday meals with family and friends. Always cocktails/drinks and noshes beforehand.

Kids were welcomed, but I often wound up back in my room, since I am an introvert as well.

Additionally, I think about how we were taught hostess etiquette in Home Ec back in the day - every girl was subject to that and when it was later phased out of school curriculums, I think that's when knowledge about & practice of such things began to decline, since not every kid has a family who can, or will, teach them such things.

So how are people defining dinner parties? That would seem key in deciding whether or not you have them. Maybe most people's "dinner parties" are casual. I agree with PinkMtn's observation: Almost everyone I know is taking a more casual approach to just about everything, from entertaining to work attire to decorating.

When I think about situations where we have people in our home for a sit down dinner, with table settings, alcohol, and multiple courses, that is a "dinner party." When I think about why we have and attend them, there are three main types. One, friends, new and old, who like to cook. Two, donors of some stripe ... ie we are giving the party on behalf of a charity/non-profit and trying to get more people involved. Three, family, when it is a special occasion. Four, rarely, business colleagues.

The interesting thing is my parents rarely entertained formally. I remember my Dad's boss or colleagues a few times. Other than that it was casual. Maybe it skips a generation? LOL

I love having dinner parties, and am quick to find an excuse to have one.

I read a piece about how civility in DC declined with the death of the dinner party. People from both sides of the aisle used to mingle and get to know one another socially through dinners at one another's houses, now the politicians head home to their districts many weekends and this avenue for forming relationships across political parties is gone.

Zalco, that seems like a chicken & egg situation. Did the dinner parties decline because of increased partisanship, or did the decline of the parties ramp up partisanship?

I tend to think it might be more of the former, rather than the latter...

For me, it isn't a question of formality or lack thereof. It is hospitality, and my hospitality extends to those whose generosity I hope to gain as well as to my friends and family, whose I hope I already have.

This conversation reminded me of Hyacinth Bucket (pronounced “Bouquet”) and her candlelight suppers.

Haha - and I can imagine Hyacinth's reaction if someone asked her for a beverage she hadn't offered 😆

OT sorry...

Carol, That is so interesting; your point about politicians no longer socializing. This article below does a good job of explaining it.

It's a real negative IMHO. I know IME if I were not "forced" to talk to "the other side" by dint of existing relationships with people I know and respect and with whom I share mutual goals I would probably demonize (the other side) or should I say demonize them (even more).

https://www.courierpress.com/story/news/2018/10/14/congress-doesnt-live-here-anymore-secrets-hill/1265733002/

I’m curious. Justerrilyn What’s that about long fingernails and where to sit?

Michele, It’s been awhile but basically you have the option of adding Scramble to the bunko/bunco game. It’s where the teams all move to grab the dice for points. I found it best to sit next to the person with the most dangerous looking nails on the other team instead of across from. You can side body block lol. Claws racing across are harder to fend.

I go to casual dinners at my neighbors often. She does not allow political conversations. I think it’s a good thing. My husband and I are of a few heterosexuals in the whole group. I might be guessing but think we may be odd couple out on our political party. It really would ruin many a good time if we all used the party to further our own personal political views. Since it’s not allowed we just have fun.

YIKES! Our country club had ladies bunko once or twice a month in the afternoons. I went two or three times. While I liked the camaraderie, I didn’t care for the game. I do not remember ever having a Scramble!

I tried bunko a few times and just detest it. I know the objective is merely socializing but it is so.terribly.inane, i cannot.stand.it.

Being a competitive person, a game that is 100% chance simply frustrates me.

Oh but Mtn did you add the scramble to the rules of the day? I was a little slip of a thing then but strong. I could side body slam someone twice my size away from those dice (if sitting on the side).

I wonder about the geographical differences in dinner parties. I grew up on a farm in central Texas, and the only formal dinner parties we had were for family gatherings, at Thanksgiving and Christmas, when my mother would use all of her crystal, china, and sterling silverware - all of which I think she received as wedding gifts. She also had a collection of linen tablecloths, but she stopped using those after a few years, as they were more difficult to clean, or perhaps were more easily stained. As a child, I loved formality, especially since it allowed me to use different forks and spoons for different courses.

I have Irish linen tablecloths with matching napkins now that I bought for cheap on eBay and have not yet used, but I hope to use them some day. I do have tables for them in Los Angeles, but not in Cathedral City, as I do not have a formal dining room there, and the only large dining table I have in CC is an outdoor table. Definitely dining in CC is much more informal than it could be in L.A., but I have found that many people, including friends, find formal dining to be uncomfortable, although that is not the intention at all. I am most comfortable with formal dining, and that is what I prefer, but I find that most people today are not. I guess I just like the ritual aspect of it. As a child, I liked the structure and rules of it.

Bbstx we were in a supper club for over 30 years and I credit that experience with cultivating my love of food and wine.

Lars, do you stay cool as a cucumber when hosting a formal meal? I haven’t had a formal dinner party in so long I’d probably get all worked up. Back in the day I was much more detail oriented and would spend much time on my table, linens, centerpiece. I always set the table the day before and would start cooking some items days in advance. Also, I had a full bar, wine and cordials.

There was always one couple that would arrive over an hour late, usually an hour & a half. It didn’t bother me as much with regular dinners but when it happened for a Christmas or Thanksgiving meal that required so much planning/timing GRRR!!!

I actually do stay rather cool when hosting a formal meal, although in the past I have noticed some of the guests being not quite so cool, especially in Austin, but then it was difficult to stay cool when the indoor temperature was 78° and the candles in my wall sconces were starting to droop. It always did take me at least two days to prepare dinner, as dessert could take an entire day, and I always baked fresh bread as well. I never had a full bar in Austin, but I did serve wine. In San Francisco, my roommate often took over most of the details.

@Bonnie are you in the South?

Whenever I read about people preparing food ahead of the event (make no mistake, I do as much make-ahead as I can), I always think of the Ruth Reichl book where she talks about her mother making food ahead, not having room in the fridge for it, and just leaving it set out at room temp for days at a time!

From The Washington Post:

Reichl described ... the incident she writes of at the beginning of "Tender at the Bone" in which Miriam sends dozens of party guests to the hospital from food poisoning. In Reichl's memory, her mother was comically flippant about the episode