I think it's fine to miss the celebration of life due to a previous commitment. A nice card and a floral arrangement/donation to a charity he supported/or whatever the family has requested be done is a perfectly appropriate way to convey your condolences.

If the deceased were a close family member, it would be different, but for someone you didn't socialize with and didn't see outside of work, I wouldn't worry about not being able to attend.

Is there someone, who is attending, that could express your regrets and say a few words on your behalf?

I agree it's fine not to attend. Just send your regrets and maybe flowers for the occasion. You can honestly say you will not be in town at that time.

I think you have a valid excuse to skip the memorial service due to the long-standing 'prior engagement'. You might write some thoughtful memories of the man to be shared at the gathering. I would be effusive in conveying my regrets at not being able to attend and offer sympathy to the family *in person* before you leave town. (Wipe your DH's opinions from your brain; they have *nothing* to do with the family's sorrow.)

Is this part of the actual funeral? When you say "business partner" do you mean you own 50% and they own 50% of a company? Or do you work for the same company and work together?

If it is the former, yes you need to attend. Can you fly there for 1 day and fly back to conclude

If it is the latter and you just work together, no it is not necessary for you to attend.

Do you want to attend? If so, your husband should not interfere. If not, don't. But, depending upon the business relationship with the family, as stated by others, it might affect the future dealings.

If this person was your business partner for 30 years, he was an important part of your life, whether you liked him or not and whether you socialized or not. I think it would be a big mistake and highly disrespectful for you to not be there. Whether you want to go or not doesn't matter. Whether you have an "excuse"'or not also doesn't matter.

What's happening to his interest, are you buying it? Any employees? Any customers that will be there who know both of you? For people who know both of you, what kind of a sign will your absence be interpreted as and what might the consequences be?

Your camping trip is every year. This guy will only die once. Which is more important shouldn't take but a few seconds to determine. It might be inconvenient for you to attend. His death is inconvenient for him too.

I agree with Oly. I don't think I've ever gone to a funeral (or celebration of life) for anyone who was not a close relative. Your relatives come first, and considering how your husband feels, I do not find it necessary for you to go without him. However, I do think you need to clear up the questions about "business partner" and how the business will operate with him gone.

Some people and some cultures find funerals extremely important - I do not.

Thank you for all the replies. :-)

We worked for the same small company for 30 years. In the last 10 years, the company was slowly dying due to technology. When the owner passed away 8 years ago, he left the dwindling company to the 2 of us. Eventually, both of us found other work as what we made from this one would not pay the bills and continued to lose clients. We didn’t even share an office space for the last year+.

Although I will know a few of the people at the gathering, I will never see any of them again unless by accident. I really do not want to go, but I do want to do the right thing. If I was not out of town I would go – just not sure I want to cut the vacation short, or drive separately from my husband so that I will have a car to come home with. Not sure if flying is an option or not...

Funerals, and other services for the dead, are for the living/survivors. Your business partner will not consider it disrespectful for you to not attend--he will be completely unaware. If you had concerns about his family's feelings, employee etc. that would affect your future interactions negatively. Since that is not the case, and you do not want to attend, I wouldn't in your shoes. But then, I think most people's attitudes about death ceremonies are odd, and prefer to remember my shared times with those that have died, rather than memories of their death ceremonies being the most prominent.

Based on your further explanation of your relationship with this business partner....and the fact the business is really on its way out........I think you are completely justified in not attending. However, I would contact the widow and/or family, offer my condolences and explain why you will not be there (prior engagement out of town).

When confronted with similar scenarios, my rule of thumb has always been “Family first ALWAYS”. So unless there is an emergency or I absolutely have to work, I wouldn’t cancel or cut my family plans short for pretty much anyone. I think sending a heartfelt note or card that lets them know you’ll be out of town on that date is sufficient. I wouldn’t apologize, feel guilty or go into detail about my plans, I’d just say they’re in my thoughts and prayers and then let it go.

He is a past business partner...right? I would not change my plans for this. Has there already been a funeral that you attended? If so then definitely, I wouldn't give it another thought.

It's always okay not to attend. Funerals are for the living. If one if the living would see no value or comfort by attending such, they should feel no obligation or guilt. Send your condolences, and enjoy your trip.

With the additional info, I agree your attendance is optional. By all means send flowers or make a donation or whatever the family said they would prefer.

Given your long association, could you write a heart-felt note to the family, perhaps suitable for public sharing at the celebration of life, if they so choose?

Thank you everyone! I greatly appreciate your input. :-)

You will be far away, so you are not obligated to attend. But do send a plant or flowers, and a donation if there is an appropriate charity.

I agree that we go to these events to comfort the living. If you believe his wife and children will gain no real comfort from your being there and you will not then don't go. You will naturally call or visit the widow and make your explanations (without details) and send flowers to the event if they are wanted or a donation to their charity of choice.

Perhaps it is just here but plants and flowers are not sent when there is a memorial service that is not connected to a burial unless you want to send them to the home. Cards are sent addressed to the family or in a situation to the spouse with the additional notation "and family".

I would since he was a partner call and express my sorrow for the loss.

There is also the thing that is happening in this area and the area my husband is from that a monetary memorial is sent in leu of flowers as so many families may have traveled some distance and it presents a difficulty if there are live plants on what to do with them.

If the celebration of life ceremony is not within a short time of the death there is no need to attend. Do send a note to his widow, and a big contribution to the charity of choice or to St. Jude’s Research Hospital in his name.

I'm surprised at some of the attitudes expressed in response to the original question but I guess so too some of you may have had a similar reaction to what I said.

That's what makes conversation interesting,

If it were me, I would send an appropriate expression of sympathy and not attend. I would not offer an excuse as it is not necessary. Your business relationship with him is in the past and you had both gone in other directions.

How much time will there be between his death and the gathering? Was there a wake, funeral?

I did reach out and talk with his wife the day he passed. I found out from my daughter who saw a post from his daughter on social media. They are not friends, but do know each other. If there was a funeral, I was not informed. The celebration is about 6 weeks after his death.

This family is very active in their church; do people make donations to churches???

I have yet to learn of a religious institution that will turn down a monetary donation....

My only thought was, considering the length of your relationship and being "partners" (even if unsuccessfully), if your absence would be seen as a slight or disrespect by others in the community - business or social - you may need to make an appearance. But since you weren't even made aware of his death other than by happenstance, that probably isn't a concern.

jeri, that's a nice thought. You could call the church to ask if they have a fund to receive donations in someone's memory. Most churches I'm familiar with have secretaries who answer the phone and can either answer basic questions or direct you to the appropriate person.

(I assume of course you are comfortable enough with this church in a general way to give them money.)

Stay on vacation and send a card with flowers or something. Does not sound like something I would disrupt my vacation over.

Based on all the information you've shared, I would stay on vacation, but on the day of the celebration, pen a letter of remembrance and share some nice memories. Mail it to his wife so she knows that on that day, you were celebrating his life, too.

Agree with comments to not interrupt your plans. People miss events for all kinds of reasons, if anyone says anything just respond with, "SO SORRY I could not attend."

If you were not even notified of his death (found our from your daughter and social media), then this is clearly not a close business relationship. Take your vacation but do send a not before explaining why you won't be there.

YES it is often ok not to attend!!! Your situation is one reason it is 100% acceptable not to go. Since you are feeling uncertain than of course you will send a note or make a phone call apologizing for the conflict that is keeping you away. Now go pack!!!

If your friend was a church-goer, I think it’s a fine idea to call that church and inquire if there is a memorial set up for him. Here in Missouri, that’s common. There might be a fund set up for, say, a new organ or choir robes, a church addition/remodel, or whatever.