Remember when music wasn't all about politics, relationships and sex?
7 years ago
last modified: 7 years ago
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Politeness/ Different expectations question about a friend
Comments (20)Hi, Meredith!! This is my first post in ages. I know you're honored (LOL!!!). Here's my take: although everyone has their own unique idiosyncracies (ie: spontaneous vs. need to plan ahead) and every friendship has unique circumstances (best friend lives next door vs. across town), my personal rule of thumb is that friendships work best with less "requirements" instead of more. So, respecting the differences between you means tolerating different styles, otherwise it's just too much work. The key to a great friendship is immediate and automatic forgiveness and acceptance of the little stuff. She made a special dish for you as you asked (how nice!) but forgot about your special needs and didn't give you warning a day in advance to save your energy/back for dinner (oops!!). You are both miffed....NO PROBLEM!! Why? because there is nothing wrong with your feelings. You shouldn't even be debating whether yours or hers are any less or more valid. There's no right or wrong here. It's really all about how much you tolerate and ultimately forgive your friend. And vice versa. The way I'd handle it is: you call and tell her how sorry you are that you missed your favorite meal, especially since she went to so much trouble for you (any leftovers?). You love and appreciate everything she did. Your back sometimes interferes with your ability to be spontaneous (isn't it a bummer?) But if you get a day's notice, you can often rest your back enough to do what you want. Thank her profusely for going to all that trouble just for you (which she did, unquestionably). End of story. Don't tell her what to do in the future (save that for some other time when there's nothing in the air between you), or expect her to say anything like "I'm sorry". That would be imposing a requirement on her in order to soothe your feelings. If she does it, great!! But if you love this friend, and you are willing to tolerate the differences in your respective styles, it shouldn't matter that she occasionally forgets about your style. Yes, my suggestion sounds like a one way apology...and in some ways, it is. However, you are really acknowledging the special effort she made for you, her friend. That acknowledgement is important, because people need to feel appreciated. She did something for you, but blew it in the execution. Like any other gift, it's the thought that counts. My guess is that with acknowledgement, the whole thing will quickly defuse. And if I know you, you've already had that conversation anyway. So don't do anything more. Keep your feelings to yourself. Someone really wise once told me that in every relationship, including marriage, the parties decide every day, subconsciously, whether they still want to be there. This is part of it. Anyway, that's my take on friendship. It comes from knowing, in my heart of hearts, that I am very imperfect, yet my friends still love me and want to be my friend. I try to......See Moredaughter and friend love/hate relationship
Comments (9)I've been there! My daughter and her friend (Lisa) have been friends since the age of 5. They are both 16 now! We're also neighbours. The girls were together every single day. Then at the age of 10, they went their own way till the age of 14. They just had different things in common. Now, they're the best of friends again! I remember one incident that is so very similar to the one you described above. I had had enough too! Lisa's mom called me to tell me what happened between the girls. My daughter told me what happened. Some things just didn't add up. Since I had had enough, I decided to nip this in the butt. My daughter and I went over to Lisa's house so that we could all discuss this together. Lisa's mom was so happy about this. Anyways, Lisa was caught in a lie and was punished. My daughter also saw that their friendship was worth more than gossip. That if they had a problem with each other, they were friends long enough that they should ask each other if the gossip was true. Everything worked out well and because we were all together, everything was confronted once and for all. Re your daughter leaving when Susie comes over. I'm not sure about this one though, because yr daughter cannot always run away from conflict. She needs to deal with it head on. You see what happened with my daughter was that "Jessica" was causing conflict between my daughter and Lisa because she was jealous of their friendship. Whenever Jessica and Lisa were together, my daughter would exclude herself and thus, was alone. She'd see Lisa on the street and was about to go say hello, but decided not to when she seen Jessica with her. I told her to go talk to Lisa and that if Jessica had a problem with her there, then Jessica could leave. It took my daughter awhile to work up the nerve to do it, but eventually she did and it gave her more confidence in herself to handle things. I've also had to deal with a mother who thinks her kids can do no wrong. I did the same thing as above. We drove to that kid's house and confronted him with the parents there. The boy denied everything, but his sister said that my daughter was right about how it happened. He was bullying her. His parents asked him how he could do that to my daughter since he had the same thing done to him and if he remembered how it felt. The issued got resolved! I strongly believe that confrontation with all parties involved is the best way to get resolved fast. This way, all the parents hear what each child is saying, which is lying, etc. Maybe it will open some eyes too! When my daughter had some "ownership" in some of the conflicts, I explained how her actions contributed to the conflict. Sometimes kids don't realize or see what the consequences of their actions can do, especially at the age of 8....See More?'s about friends of the opposite sex
Comments (38)I am so GLAD that you ladies all feel the way I do. I was starting to think maybe I WAS just being insecure and jealous but it seems to be the general opinion that no one would dig this situation. That being said heres the follow up. I went home that evening after we had our little row over the phone about this woman. I was bracing myself for a cold shoulder or comfrontation because I had been STRONG in some of the words I chose. LOL. Anyway, when I walk thru the door the house was nice and clean. Laundry was being done and dinner was already on the table. The girls had already bathed and a glass of tea was waiting for me at the coffee table by the couch where I always nurse Layla. The conversation never came up. It was like it never happened. He was suppose to help her move furniture around her shop for some $ the next day but when she called he didn't even answer the phone. She called four times and left a message. He didn't even return her call. So I'm wondering what the hell clicked in that three hours between our conversation and me getting home. When I checked our shared cell phone I noticed he had called his dad after we hung up. He had called his dad to b*tch about me and his dad must have agreed with me!!! HAHAHAHA. His dad must of said something to him that clicked. The conversation still hasn't come up but 50 bucks says he won't go to the shop anymore. I do honestly believe he was only being friendly for someone he thought was a nice person having a hard time. He's like that. He is even MORE like that now because of his new found devotion to trying to be a better Christian. He has turned to faith because his situation with work has him feeling beat down. He is looking for guidance and some hope. He prays alot and reads a bible where as he never did before. He gets us all out the door to church every Sunday and bugs me to pray and read my bible as well. It wasn't him I didn't trust...it was her. If the situation had been a little different I wouldn't of had the issue I had with it. Of course he didn't want to validate my concerns which only pissed me off more. Apparently hearing it from Dad was enough to make him rethink the situation a little bit. I wish I knew exactly what was said. As far as the work issue, he has passed out tons of appliations and resumes this past three months and has gone to Workforce I KNOW at least a dozen times. Nowhere is hiring. It's just plain scary. He is feeling very much so like a loser right now and has expressed this to me many times. His self esteem is extremely low. DO I think this is why he was helping this woman so much? No. I think he feels if he strives to be more godly than he will be more open to gods hand stearing him in the direction he wants him to go. He was wanting to help out another Christian and in the process wasn't thinking of all the factors involved. He isn't a bad guy looking to get laid. Just a good guy who doesn't realize that some women can not just be friends with a man or sometimes the risk just isn't worth it. It was the same thing with the computer. He honeslty felt that he was just friends with all these old aquintances. He didn't see it any different than talking to the old guy friends from High School. It just never accured to him how messy things like that can get. It can go from friendly and innocent to complicated in the matter of one typed sentence. He has a bad case of the male ding bat syndrome. A woman could straight up standing in front of him batting her eyelashes and wearing I ighn that read "I WANT YOU SLEEP WITH YOU" while wearing nothing but a ball cap and he would just "She was nice don't you think?" He is just that oblivious. He can't see underlying intentions untill they have smacked him dead in the face. In the case it would be he wouldn't see it untill a friendship had turned into something else. By then it's too late. If you love your family you don't leave yourself open for these things to even have a CHANCE of happening. You avoid the situation all together which seems to be what he has decided to do....THANK GOD!...See Morehe wasn't talking in line, so he gets milder punishment
Comments (30)I personally would prefer a teacher be overly strict rather than let things go. The fact that a whole class gets punished doesn't really bother me.. sports teams are treated that way all the time. It teaches many leassons about real life... team playing, unfairness, the fact that some don't own up so everyone suffers, etc.... When these kids grow up and get out in the real world, they will understand and be able to deal with unfairness and taking one for the team (and may undersand why they don't get a bonus when the company didn't have a good year even though they did). Of course if mom goes complaining about everything, a child will be confused and not get the correct point of the punishments. I let teachers punish how they want unless there is really something wrong. I have no problem with the oh so boring punishment of having to write things numerous times. The bigger problem is parents not supporting their teachers. It may not be your personal preference for punishment; but it's the teacher's class. Just like you may not like to be told you have to use time outs inside of putting your kid in a corner, or that you should or shouldn't spank. It's not really up to you to decide classrooms punishments as long as they are morally ok - it's just not your call. Sometimes, I may secretly roll my eyes when my kids tell me some way a teacher handles something, but I generally say "She's in charge; she gets to decide." The kids need to learn respect for a teacher and second guessing her tactics with the children may just teach disrespectfulness towards her. And, my kid is 10; if he called another kid "fluffy" when he was 9, I would expect him to get punished; I'd probably punish him myself too. No, it's not the end of the world and I agree most kids that age do say stuff like that from time to time, but that doesn't make it right or unworthy of punishment....See More- 7 years agolast modified: 7 years ago
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cearbhaill (zone 6b Eastern Kentucky)