"If you see something, say something." Feel free to call out any disrespectful unhelpful comment.

Keep in mind that you are reading a forum. Everyone's opinions may be different and the method of delivering that opinion is often different. (I have seen harsh words by some of the "Pros".)

I am someone who has spoken out negatively about the quality of Ashley Furniture. I am sorry if my words upset you, but please don't take what I've said personally. If someone asks about the quality of a brand that I know about, I am liable to give my opinion. Good or bad.

Louise, I read a post this afternoon that hit all the items you mention. I'm tired of a particular color, e.g., gray, being dismissed out of hand because it's no longer "trendy." Who cares what they think? That wasn't the question anyway. Some are "Pros" and some aren't. Often it's the same people. Too bad there isn't a blocking feature on Houzz.

ETA: Maddielee was posting when I was. I think it's fine to speak out about quality issues with products.

I am guilty of mentioning gray is past its sell-by date. I try to always mention that I say that only for people who are looking toward being trendy. Gray used because it is the right color in the right place for the right person is very different from gray used because it is all you see on HGTV. I for one mention what I see as the trouble with gray because I worry people who are not very sensitive to design might be absorbing a trend without noticing and then once the trend is done they will be left with something that looks outdated to them.

What is so ironic to me is that some of those who are the worst offenders at pronouncing anything they dislike to be "dated" have shared their own work in the forum and they are by no means on the cutting edge of today's current style. Quite the opposite, in fact.

I agree, Louise, about not asking a question on those forums. I don't post here often but I do read here a lot. And I have learned a lot. I always thought that if I were to pose a question, I would just create a new temporary profile and use that. It is also annoying when people are belittled for not wanting to spend, for example, $80,000 to redo a kitchen. Crap, I didn't even pay that much for my whole house!

Understand, it is annoying when other posters pro and non-pro are negative toward others, putting poster’s rooms down rather than being encouraging. Not the spirit of the forum that most of us want to see. Having a functional and attractive room does not require following the most recent trends or buying heirloom quality furniture.

However, many pro’s earn their money designing with the latest trends and when the poster is wanting to be trendy, it can be helpful for a poster to learn that grey as a trendy color is on it’s way out. That is assuming the poster has not already purchased a boatload of grey furniture, if that is the case it should never be mentioned. The poster will likely see it soon enough on another thread.

For those of us who have had one of their favorite decor colors pre-trend, aqua in my case, become trendy then fall out of favor it can be discouraging. Especially when we never wanted our color to be trendy in the first place, but it is what it is and we either continue our love of aqua or grey, or move on.

I really hate that word “dated”! And it is annoying when a “pro” comes along and posts about a room in a way that’s mean spirited or patronizing. People go there for a little support or sharing of ideas and they get slammed. It’s not cool. Between that and the other issues that evolved since Houzz took over, I rarely bother with the decor side anymore.

I get wanting to create a beautiful space, I’m all about that too, but our homes and the decor inside of them is supposed to represent our individual personalities regardless of how old or new it is. Once I stopped paying attention to what others would think and focused more on what spoke to us as a family instead, I was a lot more comfortable with my choices.

I miss those Gardenweb days too Shee. :c(

My favorite is when they say, You have to hire a pro! Really?

I've toyed with putting "Pro" with my name....but, wisely I feel, I haven't. I know a TON about paint, techniques, problems, yada-yada.

But..... nobody asks about that stuff anymore. The Paint forum has just devolved into a "Help!!!! I need a color by tomorrow.....!!!" blab-fest. Curb-appeal crap has now infiltrated that section too! Aaauuugghhhh!

Siiiiiiiiiiigh...........

Faron

What I want people to realize is that most of the posters and likely all of the lurkers do not have the luxury of those very luxuries. Most people do not have $3,000 for a couch. In fact, most people do not NEED a $3,000 couch. Yes, my couch is Ashley, it is an absolutely fine couch for a single older woman who is not particularly overweight and has held up just fine for twoish years. And, horrors, it is grey/gray. I managed to do the update of my kitchen for under $10,000.. The appliances cost about $1,200 (on sale, of course) and that was for stove, frigerator and dish washer, and the cabinets were repainted. $60,000 for a new kitchen sounds ridiculous to my ears but then my current kitchen is my (teeny tiny) dream kitchen.

In all seriousness, why would anybody come back to either respond or post a new topic when so much of what they see is that snark and nasty? I SO wanted to respond to a "pro" that HER house is incredibly dated and, imo, quite ugly. But I didn't. My mother taught me better.

its a bit like parenting. We all want the same outcome. Happy children and lovely spaces. I think that can be achieved with a little kindness and compassion. And encouragement. We ALL need encouragement.

Thank you all for responding.

And Aqua happens to be one of my colors too. Is it in or out these days, Jill?

I completely understand how you feel, Louise. The recent thread in which a young woman shared a photo of a wall that she'd draped with lighted garland made me incredibly sad, as the comments she received were overwhelmingly thoughtless and condescending. She followed up with comments of her own, saying something along the lines of this obviously not being the place for her. She said that she loved the garland she had hung up, and IMO it should have been clear to anyone capable of processing a thought that she wasn't asking to have it figuratively ripped apart. There weren't even helpful suggestions in many of the comments -- just snotty "Oh no you DI''N'T" type responses.

I've called out the rudeness and recently went a couple of rounds with a regular pro who rushed to the defense of another pro who is one of worst offenders when it comes to just being a buttinsky (and then the "defender" deleted ALL of her comments in the thread). It probably does absolutely no good, but makes me feel a little better to call them on their cruelty. I'm so sick of bullies. Of course, calling out bullies sometimes feels like running the risk of being considered a bully yourself. It's particularly mind-boggling when an OP comes back and claims that they don't mind ALL of the input. Then it definitely feels like an exercise in futility.

Everyone has a different communication style, and sometimes things just don't translate well in a forum such as this. I do think, though, that consistent rude comments probably say a good deal about the person making them. If it's habitual, then they are intent upon being ugly.

I think what people need to be mindful of is to answer the question at hand. If someone wants to know if this rug works, or what white paint you would suggest, stick to the question.

I think if kindly done, someone could say that although there are many whites in your particular case with your exposure X might work better.

Ida, you are being kind in saying that Everyone has a different communication style, and sometimes things just don't translate well in a forum such as this.

Most times it is obvious that the person is being condescending.

Yes, the snark bothers me. Also, not answering the question asked. This one the OP wanted suggestions for a living plant over the frig. She came back several times to repeat that in different ways. People still posted other things.

https://www.gardenweb.com/discussions/5434041/the-perfect-plant-to-place-on-top-of-a-fridge#22787476

Floral_UK stated it best:

"The OP wants a living plant. The alternative suggestions are imaginative and well meaning but to me they are like suggesting to someone who wants a cat that they get a picture of one instead."

Fortunately, the OP had a good sense of humor and weeded through all the off topic suggestions and found one that worked.

The argument often given against just answering the question (I would say this is most often given in the Bathroom Forum followed by the Kitchen Forum), is that it's difficult to just ignore what might be the bigger problem you see. (There is a particular obsession with waterproofing in the Bathroom forum where people are insistent that it couldn't possibly have been done correctly or at all when I feel like they have no way of knowing for sure what was done.)

But I think to a large extent one could just answer the questionat hand in the Decorating Forum.

There is one thing that I would like to alter about this statement, personally:

"Feel free to call out any disrespectful unhelpful comment."

I don't know. I feel like if this is an actual personal attack or bullying, sure, and if we were kids, sure.

I don't however, feel that it is particularly productive to call out someone for making fun of your sofa.

I would say "Feel free to completely ignore any disrespectful unhelpful person".

I say this because I bet if we asked everyone to compile a list of the top five condescending and snarky people, many people would have similar to identical lists. And everyone on that list had been called out on their behavior repeatedly and it has absolutely no effect. I think completely ignoring them would be more effective than continually responding to them. People like that want attention, even negative attention. Don't give it to them.

When someone makes an unkind comment, I will try very hard to make a kind/positive/suppotive comment of my own. Spending time calling out the unkind comment does not make the person whose house is being trashed feel any better.

"Feel free to completely ignore any disrespectful unhelpful person".

This should become the Houzz mantra.

The problem of not calling out an unhelpful comment is that people on the kitchen forum are often one time visitors looking for help. Once their kitchen is finished or they have the information they don't come back. Those of us who are there on a regular basis are able to tune out those who are snarky or rude.

There is a thread over there right now and I would love to call out the pro but I won't. I wouldn't be surprised if the OP gave up and didn't come back. The comments are rude and unhelpful and aren't contributing to the conversation. It would be nice if the pro made some helpful suggestions rather than scorn.

Re gray - I would never do gray BUT I live on the CDN side of the PNW and we're gray from November to April = why oh why would I put it in my house. :)

But - I do want jewel tones to come back. I love jewel tones and not a watered down version of them. I love the vibrancy of them.

Hmm, I see what you are saying, but if you said "OP please feel free to ignore unproductive negative comments" it would be directed toward the OP and not a direct response to the troll.

Blfenton, I also love navy, burgundy, dark forest green, deep pink, true purple, ect. I do not like the green that is popular now at all.

Pal - that's a good suggestion.

I will share that for one Pro, I have developed a particular coping mechanism. This Pro shows two names and when she/he gives information that is on point and useful, I think, "Ah, good advice S___. You may have really helped this OP." When, however, the comment is over-the-top rude, snarky, and/or condescending, I think, "Oh, W___, what's going on today that made you say such a thing. Are you completely lacking in empathy?" I think if you collected these comments by type in two different documents, most people would not realize they were coming from the same person.

There was a thread a few weeks ago in Building a Home where a Pro complained about the advice given by the non-Pros. I posted that the culture is different between GW and Houzz, and since we merged with Houzz, I mostly post in Hot Topics now, where the people are nicer. I was only half-joking.

That is what I have done Pal. But I really do want to snark at a couple of pro posters. It bothers me so much that a one time poster ends up being a permanent one time poster. And I despise cruelty. Especially the kind of cruelty that is about "making a point", even if that point has zero to do with the OP's question.

Venting here and reading such wonderful responses has quite cheered me up. So THANK YOU all!

When I said "call out" I wasn't referring to being snarky. Although like Louise it would be how I was feeling.

I meant that you could restate the issue at hand while also letting the "pro" know what your take on the advise is. It can all be diplomatically.

And, it can soften the blow to new comers.

I really like the suggestion to direct a comment to the OP about not taking snarky comments to heart. I am not singling out any one person, but it has occurred to me that it's quite possible we are seeing some signs of mental illness in some of the posts. Unmedicated bipolar comes to mind. That is not to excuse the ugly and thoughtless words, but I'm going to endeavor to be aware that some participants may be suffering in ways that we cannot begin to imagine, and that is manifested in what they do here.

thank you Louise for the thread.

I'm answering randomly, since I just saw it and read comments.

I don't know..my involvement -usually-doesn't make me feel better. First I get really upset because I think an OP is probably upset..then I'm upset that the others are upset, and maybe because of my defending post, among other things..then I try to make them less upset..then it feels like everybody is indeed less upset (but what do I know)..but who's for sure is more upset when all said and done-it's me. It feels like I took everybody's upsetness, either very real or imagined by me, and internalized it-and it's a bit heavy to carry. And I feel like a fool.

And I also want to feel better, I mean, who doesn't:)

But I know I'll get involved-won't happen. Lol. "Feeling better" thing.

One would think that a forum about houses will be a more..relaxing place.

and yes, this.. consolidation of cultures ..doesn't always go smoothly. Between Houzz and GardenWeb. I wish they'd leave "Design Dilemma" as something one can't cross-post wth ..it's really so non-specific everything gets jumbled in there. I understand old posters from Houzz are attached to it-ok so leave it for them(or for whoever wants to use it), as a separate forum. Right now it artificially inflates traffic. That's all it does. The rest is harm.

as for individual circumstances etc..well it's like in this book by Amy Tan. "You think your sadness is unique? everybody has their own sadness".

I perceive it as a given..I don't know what else is happenning in others' life.

Sometimes it's about passion and faith. Like with colors)) I understand they evoke plenty of different emotions in us. But. Gets really hard to discuss. While it should be pleasant, for the luck of the better word, and fascinating to discuss. But nah. Sometimes, feels like politics..))

I think the reasons certain people/pros are so (relatively) nasty are varied.

Some people just seem to utterly lack any sort of tact and don't seem interested in learning any. They seem to want to project that they are the arbiter of good taste and are here to drop pearls of wisdom on the unwashed masses. :)

Others who seem to be repeatedly cringe-worthy have some health challenges, and/or seem to be somewhat home-bound. I think their snark and meanness is a sign of a deeper problem. Which is all well and good when you've been around for awhile so you know, but it makes me so sad for new people who have no clue. I read the posts of some new folks and think, wow - you're about to get pounded.

Lastly, Forum Fatigue is real my friends. Anyone who has ever spent a lot of time in one place has seen it happen. Some people post a ton and then burn out for whatever reason. As they burn out, some of them get more strident.

Palimpsest, I think you're awesome. :) I love reading what you write because I often learn something. I know you've taken your share of lumps here too and I'm just glad it hasn't driven you away.

Forum Fatique is very real. I have been part of various forums over the last twenty years +. Just this year I took a break from one forum that I had been a member, in different forms, over those twenty years. I am friends with many of the women on FB so I still "keep up" with the news. And I may rejoin some time later this year.

My "make up" is probably very different than most posters here. Even though I live in America, I am not American. Politically and socially I am European/Irish. I thought posting about houses and decorating could be a kind of "neutral" space but, for me, neutral can be a hard place to find. I take full responsibility for sometimes getting too involved and not being neutral. I really like the suggestions so many of you have proffered. I will use them and stay "neutral" and avoid that snark.

Louise, I dont usually post on this particular forum, but, your post is a very good read. Thank you for speaking out. I am a gray lover too. I dont much love the beige that is being recommended everywhere right now. I am also an aqua lover and have had for the last 60 yrs, some aqua in every room of my house. Trends are not important to me. Many many years ago, I went to school for interior decorating and limited design. It has been so many years, that what I learned is obsolete. Therefore there are a lot of things, that bother me. Lack of color in a room, bothers me, telling every one to remove things from tops of cabinets bothers me, telling everyone to remove things from countertops bother me. No, I dont mean, that junk and other things that are not useful in a kitchen should be left on countertops. I believe that kitchens should be clean, and look like someone actually uses them. My couch was bought new (and was cheap) back in 1994. Color doesnt go with anything I own anymore, but, it wont wear out, so it has a slip cover in gray. I rarely buy a magazine anymore, because, after my husband passed away, money is very tight. However, the other day I did buy one, and I found a saying in it, that explains, exactly how I feel about home decor. It says "Your home should tell a story--a story about you,. So Collect what you love and put those things out for all to see." Just maybe if many would read that saying and put it to use in their own homes, the homes we see on these forums, would look like homes people live in, rather than places, that you cant even find a table near a chair to put a cup of coffee on, and if you do, the chair is too darn uncomfortable to sit in to enjoy the coffee anyway, and the room, although beautifuly and perfectly done, is too darn boring to want to stay in for longer than 5 or 10 minutes. A house is just a house, that needs to be turned into a home, not something that is ready for a magazine photo

Cat, that was an excellent response. Thank you!

"Your home should tell a story" will be my new mantra :-)

Well, I stepped in it. Not sure how long this will be up

https://www.gardenweb.com/discussions/5453408/can-anybody-identify-this-furniture-style#n=12