Cold feet and engaged

HU-73784766250664

I'm engaged and I'm having cold feet. I love him and he's an amazing man. However, we are so different. He's extremely opinionated about everything politics, people...just everything. I found that over the years I have become extremely quiet and don't really state my opinion because I normally will walk away feeling dumb because I don't have facts to argue my opinion ....so I don't. Which has made it hard for me to really open up at all about feelings or thoughts on anything...which makes it hard for us to feel close or create that closeness. I keep hoping it will change but I don't know how to open up with someone so opinionated and I feel like I'm not myself anymore because of this. Any advice? Or someone who has been through something similar and how they change it?

SaveComment11Like
Comments (11)
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
colleenoz

Why don't you have facts to back your opinions? There must be some mechanism by which you came to have these opinions, what was it? I used to tell my DD when she was growing up, "You're entitled to your opinions, but you need to be able to say _why_ you have it. It's not enough to stop at "I just like it/don't like it."

I think that unless you're willing to do some reading and some serious thinking, you are always going to feel outclassed by someone else who does, or at least someone who puts up a good show of it. Bring partnered by someone who makes you feel inferior does not make for a happy marriage.

1 Like Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
HU-73784766250664

I agree with you. Its just hard because he has an opinion about everything and has such a broad generalization about it. For example he will say most homeless people are drug addicts and don't want a job. And everytime we see a homeless person he makes a comment like that in a negative way. It's just not needed everytime we leave the house. And to me I don't have much of an opinion about that but it gets tiring hearing that everytime we go out and sometimes ill push back saying not every person is like that and he feels he needs to defend his opinion which most of the times it's with facts. So I'll walk away from it feel like I shouldn't have said anything..so I don't and just become quiet a lot of the time. But like you said I guess I just need to put more reading and serious thought behind my statements.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
sushipup1

Just understand that he's on his best behavior now, and will almost certainly get more hard-line after your marry. I'd take it all as a big Red Flag.

5 Likes Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
tackykat

Listen to Sushipup, When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

You state above - I don't have much of an opinion about that but it gets tiring hearing that everytime we go out and sometimes ill push back saying not every person is like that

You do have an opinion! (and I agree that the homeless are homeless for a variety of reasons) It is good to back up an opinion with facts, but of course you can't cite a fact for everything you say. You are, however, entitled to have an opinion and have an opinion that differs from his!

You told him your opinion. It sounds like he does not respect your opinion.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
susanzone5 (NY)

I divorced a man like that. He always talked to me like I was stupid. Now I'm very happy with someone else.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
colleenoz

>> he feels he needs to defend his opinion which most of the times it's with facts<< Well, if you don't know the facts, you don't know if your fiance is actually quoting facts or making stuff up out of thin air.

But, this guy sounds like something of a bully and as has been said, he's on his best behaviour now, it will only get worse. I'd bail.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
bleusblue2

You should marry somebody who makes you feel MORE like yourself, not like you are less like yourself, losing yourself!

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
laceyvail 6A, WV

I hope you haven't married this man. He's a bully and he'll bully you. An "amazing" man? I think not.

1 Like Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
popi_gw

Well my opinion is that he is making judgements, not opinions. An opinion is a thought that can be supported by facts. If people say things, that cannot be supported by facts - then they are just being plain judgemental.


Being judgmental, in my opinion, is not a good thing, it can lead to bigotry and mostly people are speaking out , because of some sort of emotion.

In the example that you gave, about his comments about homeless people, that rings alarm bells to me. He is making unsubstantiated comments about helpless people and it shows that he is not capable of compassion and understanding.


I would be concerned, if I were you about your future life with such a person, who doesn't seem capable of empathy and compassion and a clear understanding of the good values in a person.

Please rethink you path in life.

Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
purslanegarden

I won't say don't marry him --- but I will say, don't marry him yet. You two still need to go through some things first, including possible pre-marriage counseling to work through these problems that you are experiencing in the relationship.


It's Ok that both people have different opinions, but it isn't OK (in the long run) if one of them makes the other person feel worthless to give those opinions.



Save    
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
winker58

Maybe its not so much about your come-backs or if you are right or wrong but more about him being too opinionated about controversial topics or just the fact that he always focuses on things that could be considered negative. Maybe you just like to enjoy the moment and not always feel the need to judge something.

1 Like Save    
Browse Gardening and Landscaping Stories on Houzz See all Stories
Small Spaces Life Lessons From 10 Years of Living in 84 Square Feet
Dee Williams was looking for a richer life. She found it by moving into a very tiny house
Full Story
Gardening Guides 8 Top Cold-Hardy Evergreens for Container Gardens
These tough beauties look good year-round and add consistency to container arrangements
Full Story
Gardening Guides 10 Cold-Hardy Succulents for Cool-Season Interest
These attractive plants shrug off colder temperatures, and many can be brought inside in containers in extra-chilly climates
Full Story