I hope so Dawn. I have a brother who is 18 mos older than me and we were buddies growing up, even in high school surprisingly. I (we) also had older siblings 6, 10 & 11 years older who now I'm much closer to as an adult than when I was a child.

The family dynamics are different for everyone. There's 6 of us, 5 boys and myself. I wasn't really close to any of them growing up but now myself and the twins that are younger than me are very close. I'm not so close to the three older ones, nor are the twins. Yours are young yet and right now they are just thinking of themselves. Keep at it though and when it's time, it will happen again.

Their reconnecting as adults is very likely. At their present age, the age of self discovery, they have very little room for anything else; pretty self absorbed. They must be yanked out of the me me me mode every once in a while, ha.

and true about family dynamics. DH and his sis are on good terms and always will be but I wouldn’t characterize the relationship as close.

It’s the age. My sister is going through the exact same thing, girl, boy 17 and 14. I agree, every family is different as is every kid. I still believe there is a lot you can do as the parent though that will help to keep a closer unit. Having a routine that includes family dinners where conversation takes place is a good start as is family outings. No phones, no electronics, just each other.

Step, if they were close at one time, I am predicting they will become close as older adults.

There is no way you can facilitate a relationship between the two of them. Just keep doing what you are doing. You can only work on your relationship with each of them.

The teen years are hard. They are not kids, yet not adults. They are each finding their way and place in the world.

My kids are quite different from each other, but as adults are good friends. They live in different states, but when they come home for a visit, they really enjoy each other, and in fact the others will try to show up when they hear one is going to visit. They are in their late 30s and 40s and we feel that we are blessed to see them grow so close.

I have a daughter and a son, two years apart. They were very close as little ones, separated a bit during the elementary/middle school years and became closer again in the high school years. By the time DS was 15 their roles had reversed. Instead of DD being the protective older sister, DS became the protective younger brother. That was something they both had to adjust to. Both had interests outside of school that put them with people that were somewhat to quite older then themselves. Today they have a strong adult bond. Live entirely different separate and different lives but stay connected. Trying to stay connected as one family is hard but we are all connected to each other. Our family dynamics are fluid. I am currently "closer" to DD because of the grands and seeing her more. but DS is right there if needed.

There are two years between my sister and me, Iam the younger. We are not close, very different people. I have always seemed a bit too odd for her, (I am socially awkward and introverted at times, not the easiest thing to deal with), she is outgoing and normal and she is mom's favorite. As we grew up she and I went in different directions. By the time we were teens we both had our own lives apart from one and other. There were only so many times you can be ignored or dismissed before you get it. I think as her own kids became teens and time and perspective shone a light on the people she was close with she may have realized that these people were not all she thought they were cracked up to be. But it didn't change anything, Iam me, will never be anything like her, and she will never change either. We are family not friends. It is fine, actually not having someone in my life that makes me feel bad about myself is a good thing. Not saying she is a bad person she is not, judgmental yes, tried and true to the norm. So why am I typing a negative reply when the op wants positive feedback. My mom had no idea, she knew we didn't hang out or do things together. I think she figured we were sisters and would be in each others lives. She still to this day doesn't understand why I don't want to be in my sisters life. Although she had complained many times that my sister lives her life so differently then how she was raised and mom feels judged at times because of this, she doesn't acknowledge that my sister had an equal share in the reasons why we are not close. So my point is to the OP how closely have you looked at the relationship of your kids. Did you favor one, or does one or the other think you do? I wouldn't expect your kids develop a friendship there may be a reason they don't hang out together, or it could be as others have suggested this is just another perspective

Whether for siblings or equally for friends, I think affinity and bonds come from shared experiences and time spent together.

To get them thinking about the three of you as a team (I guess no adult male present in the home?) start taking family weekend trips. It needn't be anything more elaborate than tents and sleeping bags. No smartphones allowed. Hike, talk, explore together. Be sure to give them time together without you. Talk to each individually in advance and tell them what you expect from them behavior-wise during the "family retreats".

I respectfully disagree with Elmer. Forcing the issue when the kids don't have any real desire to "hang out" - either with each other or with each other + you, could have extremely negative consequences.

I'm a true introvert, and if I'd been forced to hang out with anyone, no smart phone (although those didn't exist back in the day), no technology - just "talking" with other people who I have (had) no real common interests with would be sheer hell. That sort of "activity" would have backfired tremendously.

Leave them alone and let them sort it out. YOUR desires for them are not THEIR desires for themselves.

While still in their "growing up" years, kids should be allowed space to make decisions. That doesn't include matters that affect the whole family or disrupt family functions. Family activities are normal and have many benefits. Our kids looked forward to them and now as young adults (most early 30s) still talk about them fondly. All have close relationships with each other and with us.

Our kids weren't given the opportunity to tell us what to do or set their own rules. In return, we respected their privacy (usually) and were fair and considerate. There were very many situations and circumstances when we decided we needed to give them guidance, direction, and only a few or sometimes even no options, I would call that "parenting". It does work.

I agree with Imstillchloecat. The OP's kids are 18 and 17. One is an adult and one is close to being one. They are not children who mom and dad can cor should control with family time. My kids were planning their own trips by that age. I was thrilled when they asked me to join in an activity.

My kids played a lot together when they were very small. My older boy is 4 years older than his sister, and 5 older than his brother. As teens, both the older kids couldn't stand being in the same room as my youngest. He was a handful! It wasn't until my youngest was in his mid 20's that he and my older son went outside for a smoke together and sat outside on the front step smoking (yeah, bad!) and talking. I looked at my husband and said it was so nice to see them FINALLY bond. It took my daughter a little longer. She warmed up to him almost five years ago when he took three days out of his life to drive 14 hours away with my husband and me, to pack up her apartment so she and her boyfriend could move back home. He didn't complain once and he drove the U-Haul! And then he became a father. While he's still not 100%, he's come so far. Both my boys live in the same house, with my sons girlfriend and my grandson. My daughter looks up to her little brother for finally seeing how his life was going and turning it around on his own. (he went up to my husband one day and said, "you're right dad! When you said, 'when you hang out with stupid people you become a stupid person'". He stopped hanging out with the 'stupid' people, stopped doing illegal drugs and turned himself around all by himself. Now my kids get along so well! They're all in their 30's now and it's wonderful when we have Christmas/Easter/Thanksgiving dinners and nobody is fighting with anyone.

Kids go through stages. And they always seem to come around.

Now, as for my immediate family...........that's a whole 'nuther story....... :(

I don't think mom talking to the kids and planning a few days away together is forcing anything. Sounds like the kids drifted apart possibly age related and different likes, friends ect. There's been nothing said to lead us to think these two would not want to spend a few days in each others company. Unless I missed it.

How does anyone know their desires are against spending time together during a family outing. Because they go their own directions at home doesnt mean they dont care or love each other nor does it mean that they would feel forced to spend a few days together.

Kids becoming teens does not mean we stop parenting.If we do the best we can than were fairly confident our later aged teens can make mostly good decisions and choices but we should still be there to parent when the need arises.

I have 2 boys who are now 31 and 29 and while they are very different, with different interests they are both drawn to the outdoors and will ski together and backcountry ski as well. However, when they were about 12 and 14 they were constantly bickering and calling each other names until I finally had it. I just yelled at them that "you guys are brothers and when your dad and I are dead you will be each others family so smarten up". It worked. That was the point that they started to become brother/friends.

But kids do go through stages differently. When the older one started university there was a bit of disconnection in their experiences, when the younger one went away to school it was the same thing, when the older one took a year out again a disconnect. But they remained family who eventually regained that connection of closeness as they became adults and settled into careers and relationships. They began to have more in common again - you know, all that crap that comes with being an adult. :)

I suspect that will happen with you always1stepbehind - especially because they see siblings as friends being modeled by you and your siblings.

I don't agree that an 18 year old is an adult. That's still many years away. An "adult in training" whose training has just begun? Yes for some, no for the majority of others. In my experience.

"Control with family time?" Hardly. We made it so fun, they looked forward to it. Always. And we all always had a great time.

I guess I have been blessed.

My 4 kids DD 46 and 3 DS's 38 , 40 and 42 years actually like each other! They have a planned trip for all of them, my 4 kids, the 4 spouses and my 7 grandkids are all renting a house in the Outer Banks this summer for a week.

They invited us, but we declined, I don't like hot weather. I am just so happy they want to spend time with each other and the cuzzies ages 4 years to 14 years can have some quality cuzzy time!!!

I can relate to this. My brother is 4 years older than me and we don’t speak. Haven’t in almost 13 years. Even before then it was maybe once a year if we ran in to one another. He left home when he was 15 and I was 11. To me he always felt like a stranger. We are just very different people who lead very different lives.

Honestly, they sound like normal people in a normal life pattern. When your kids were younger, they had less choice in their activities and companions. So of course they were closer. Now they are older, and with that comes more experiences, more people to meet, more activities to try,hopefully, more FREEDOM to change and grow. Your kids SHOULD have different interests and friends. As long as there is no bad blood between them, i don't see a reason to worry.

I am the youngest of 6. I am closer to some siblings than others, but i am GOOD with all of them. It is incredible to think how different we ALL are in terms of likes/dislikes/choice of partner/jobs/lifestyle. I talk to my mom/sisters in group texts almost daily,although i don't do much with them. My brothers/dad and i don't talk at all, aside from family gatherings. But we all get along fine and have fun when we are all together. (There are certainly choices that each of us have made that the others may or may not agree with, but in MY case, as long as they understand that they can disagree all they want, but if i'm not directly affecting their quality of life, their opinion means pretty much nothing, then we're good. That is the attitude i have regarding some of their choices as well. If its not detrimental to me, and it makes them happy, whatever.)

Don't try to force it. Your kids aren't babies anymore. Just keep your relationship with each of them open, and let things work out naturally.

Elmer, I think you were incredibly lucky to have children who were so agreeable!

Sadly, though, not every family has such a good "mesh" of personalities! I do agree with you that they're "adults in training" (only because they still live at home), but if they don't get along at home, I could probably place a safe bet that forcing them into some sort of contrived "mandatory fun" event would backfire. :)

My DH has been on his own since he was 17 - working, renting a place to live, buying groceries, etc.

Our DD has been on her own since she was 18 - also working, renting, going to school, etc. It was much better for our family that she moved out at that age, and she (now 27) will tell you the same. We do go on trips together now (most recently to Paris, even!), but it's a mutual decision, and it's never tech-free. haha

Who says they ..don't get along? That's a bit different from what was actually said.

Off Topic, but I just wanted to say that I wish more people had amylou's attitude towards the choices other people make. I've been working on this with my own views about what others do and I'd certainly appreciate it if some of the people in my life would do the same!

I'm not referring to any of the posters in this thread, so please don't anyone take it that way. Her comment just made me think about some of the people I know and interact with in my own life.

Thanks for all the input. I don't think trying to force time together would work. Creating opportunities to hang out/do something together, sure. Even when we have family gatherings and they sit there likes lumps on a log like most teenagers do....I don't force them to engage with others. On their own they wont initiate conversation, but if someone else initiates they will engage.

Mamas right, I didn't say they didn't get along...I should have added that to my original post.

I don't ask why, but whenever my son comes home and his sister isn't home, he always texts me "where's sissy" (it's cute he still calls her sissy ;-) ) At least he cares right!!!

There’s almost a 5 year age difference between my brother and I, and while I would have loved to have had a closer relationship when we were growing up, or as teens, or once we were young adults, at least giving it a shot while we were both in our 30’s - it didn’t happen that way. He’s now mid-40s and I’ll be joining that age group soon enough myself, much to my dismay ;). With a cross-country move on the mister’s and my part, the family is now just a short drive away from each other. My brother is kind of like my dad when it comes to calling on the phone to have lengthy conversations - they’re not into it. But we text a lot, sometimes we group-text with our dad since he ‘gets’ our dark sense of humor which we ‘inherited’ from him. Our foster kiddos have met his 4 kids and nobody cried or fought with anyone in the group.

I think the key to what changed things in my relationship with my brother was time. Time - getting to the part of life where one thinks about their connections with family, the time when they begin to build a family of their own, and when the passage of time has changed the way they view past conflicts, old hurts, and themselves.

"Elmer, I think you were incredibly lucky to have children who were so agreeable!"

Agreeable? Not out of the box. They were like any other kids, mostly malleable with the proper direction but in need of structure. I think some of the comments highlight differences in approach between proactive and planned parenting steps with desired outcomes or the opposite, seemingly unplanned and reactive parenting. The first works, the latter, not so much in my experience. Nothing happens by standing back with arms folded, waiting for an outcome.

I think some of you missed the conversation, it didn't start out having anything to do with how we as adults get along with OUR siblings or parents.

always - that is good that he asks. I have a sister 2 yrs older and at times we were in the same school together but we didn't hang out together. we had our separate friends and activities. in our late teens / early 20's we were a lot closer and even shared a house together for a yr or so. she was recently divorced w/2 kids and i was still single. it went well and only changed because I got married. Our older 2 sisters were usually only a part of our life when there was a family gathering - a few times a yr (holidays and family reunion). In the past 20 yrs or so I've been closer to one of the older sisters (4 yrs older than I am) - she moved to AZ yrs ago, where I've lived for 35 or so yrs. She started out visiting me in the winter months and eventually moved here. for the past 20 yrs she's lived just down the road from me. We used to have dinner together every Friday but now sometimes we don't see each other for a month or so. that's just because we can't seem to not be sick, tired from doctor apts etc and normal life at the same time. we're currently trying to find a time to have lunch and have a pedi - it just seems that most often, it is a bad time for one of us.

make time available for the 2 to be together at home and interact, in time it'll all work out.