I have no interest in doing the DNA testing. My mother found a blood relative by accident many years ago. Their last name is rare, especially because of the particular spelling. Turns out he was a distant cousin, my mothers father and his father were cousins. The man's brother in law in The Netherlands ended up doing our family tree (it's his job) to see how we're related. He traced our family tree back to Armenia. From there our ancestors travelled and lived in Turkey for quite a while. Then off to France, then Germany and finally The Netherlands. I am the first born Canadian of Dutch heritage. That's just my mothers fathers side. I don't really care to find out about my mothers mother, or my dads side (although we do know they too were in France). I am me. I am Dutch/Canadian. And that's all I need to know.

My "Daddy" raised me, my Bio Mom did her best. I know the man who I at time questioned if he might be my bio dad...Seems like it might be. My Dad will always be my father but I also could have four more siblings and their kids...I will reach out and at this point respect wishes of "him" I would continue to have contact due to the small town and my work. I am trying to respect all feelings but shouldn't siblings know siblings? (I know these people but shouldn't they know if I am a sister>(

I would tell him your suspicions and see if he confirms. If he denies or doesn't want to create a family relationship with you, I would honor his wishes until he dies. Then, all bets are off. I'd then contact his kids about it and then see about DNA tests with them to prove or disprove your suspicions.

I can't imagine there being "rumors" about parentage without there being some good reason for them.

I agree with Oly.

If your results are on the ancestry (or whatever) site, and you found DNA matches on that site... those with the matching DNA can also see your results. They were likely notified that they had new DNA matches, along with predicted relationship to you.

Biological relationships and love are two different things. Expecting this man to say he loves you is pretty ambitious. Please be careful.

My DH knew that his Mom had him at 16 and the she was unmarried at the time. She married his "dad" when he was 10 and he subject of his real father never came up. He didn't want to ask (he didn't want to broach the subject if she didn't) and she never told. He did ask an uncle who was older and he filled in one of the blanks. Seems the dad was Jewish and that the parents did not want them to marry. He couldn't remember the name. He did a DNA and indeed is half Jewish and found a fairly close relative -- we corresponded although she thought rather than her mother's uncles it was her grandfather's brothers . . . but the ages wouldn't be right. We told her that we just wanted an answer and nothing more. She had her mother take the DNA test and she and DH were first cousins. Her mother had two uncles so his father is one of these -- both uncles have passed on. One of the uncles sons is going to do the test -- that will indicate which of the brothers is DH's father. We're not after a relationship with these folks -- as a radio personality said he was just a sperm donor -- "dad" was his Dad. If, however, they want to meet we will meet with them but DH will not instigate a meeting. We're more curious as to what his "dad" looked like in his later years.

My 2nd cousin and I have been in contact with a man who is somehow related to us, about at the same level - 2nd or 3rd cousin. Since he is connected to both of us, we understand what part of the family is our connection, but we can't figure out exactly who and how. He was born in another country (from which our ancestors came) and given up for adoption. We can't think of any male family members who would have been there at the right time, so maybe it's from part of our family that did not emigrate? We are stumped.

I agree with Debby. But I need to know less than her. I'm me. A citizen of the USA. That's all that matters to me, today.

Through DNA testing I have been made aware of 2 first cousins and several first cousins once removed. Probably won't ever meet them but have had email correspondence with them. The first cousins were put up for adoption by my aunt. I wonder if my deceased mother knew what her sister did, if so, she never said anything.

If you read the information on the site it traces the mothers ancestry not the fathers. It will show some of the father's in yours but if you are thinking your great great grandfathers will show up it is unlikely. You would need a male relative to do so. There are other DNA tests that you can do that can prove if someone is a parent but Ancestry one is not for that.

ancestry does an autosomal test; both male and female. You have to put the puzzle together and figure out which matches belong to which side of the family. To do specifically mother or father you will need familytreedna. What makes you think your dad was not your bio father? To be sure you will have to have the potential dad tested. Or a child of his. Has anyone in his family tested? If so they may show up in your matches as a cousin/aunt/uncle/grandparent. I think I would work on finding possible family members of his family to see how they match with you before I said anything to anyone. And he may not have any idea at all that he has any relationship to you.

I would download the raw data from ancestry and upload it at GEDMatch and at FTDNA. They have the tools to compare chromosome placement. You could upload to rootsfinder, too. They have a tool that will do the triangulation for you. I've just started playing with that. I'm going to concentrate on those returns just because it's an even better matching than just the DNA matches. Once you get beyond 2nd cousins it starts getting much harder. You both need a paper tree. And don't skimp on the people you add. You need all the siblings from every generation and their spouses. That's how you find those mystery people who "aren't mine".

Just keep in mind you have had some time to digest this. Whoever you contact will need some time, too. They may have a knee jerk reaction.

I wrote a great post and then i hit the wrong key!

I am waiting for advice from my oldest known sibling until she comes back from vacation.

I want the truth without hurting anyone...impossible I guess.

I want him to be honest....did he know, do we need a test. He is a good man and if my bio father is alive I would like to be in his life. Will he replace my Dad...never but he can be a part

Chisue, I thank you. My husband slowed my roll but I am having panic attack after panic attack. Can I PM you?

I worked for the Dept of Adoptions and this was always a minefield. Birth parents were given the option of future contact and some opted not to enable the child to locate them. The most common reason was that they wanted to put this behind them and not worry about someone popping into their lives in the unforeseen future. Others felt tremendous guilt for giving up their child and did not want a living reminder of their decision. As pointed out, it can cause tremendous disruption in the family schema if a new member suddenly appears. OTOH, some reunions have been very successful with a positive outcome. Perhaps you should seek the advice of an adoption counselor or someone trained in the field so you can manage your expectations before you proceed.

Thank you nannygoat18. Just to be clear, I was not adopted. I think your advice is still valid but just wanted to make it clear. My mother was my birth mother. The question is was the dad who raised me my bio dad.

Please, please take a deep breath and slow down. I think that nanny goat, far from being confused, was sharing her excellent perspective about what can happen when bio parents and bio children find each other. Please be careful.

I did my DNA testing, but not to find relatives. I'm enough like my Dad that I don't question that I'm his daughter. Ditto my mother. My uncle did extensive genealogy on the family tree, both sides (before the days of DNA testing), which I found fascinating. It is possible -- probably very likely over the generations -- there were some questionable parentages, but they'd be far enough back that contacting them wouldn't be possible anyway. Uncle turned up a couple lines of distant cousins we've never had contact with.

I did the testing simply for ethnic background, and the genetic health questions. And, yes, curiosity as to how much Neanderthal I might have (3%). I also wanted to confirm the niggling suspicion my parents had that they (or at least, Mother) had Akhenasi Jewish blood that older relatives always denied - apparently, I do, on my mother's side. (One chap, from my uncle's research, was born Abraham in Germany, but walked off the boat in America in the mid-1800's as Eberhard.)

There was an unpredicted but not really surprising amount (11%) of Scandinavian in there. Not surprising if you consider the history of the British Isles. Otherwise, it all matched up the family notes.

All the genetic traits that I am supposed to have that they (23&Me) checked for, except for one, match up. Supposedly, I have a sweet tooth. I guess my teeth never got the memo...

At any rate, Anne: approach the man privately as others have said, and give him time to consider what relationship he may want to acknowledge. He may indeed care for you a lot from afar, but if he doesn't wish to tell his current family, it would be awkward for him to develop anything closer than he already has with you.

Best of wishes!

I wish you well in this Anne. It may go well. Sadly, it might turn out that this very nice man that you already know, may devastate you and tell you that he already knew he was your bio-father and deliberately walked away. He may not want any intrusion on his life. Please don't build up your hopes too high. You could be walking into anything. Best of luck.

I have a niece that was given up for adoption at birth. She and her mom looked for us when she was in her mid-teens. It was a locked, sealed, in a cement drum glued tight file, yet a PI found us no problem. So much for that.......... I'm glad she found us, it's been 25 years. She wanted to know who her father was and her birth mom finally told her. She managed to contact him several years ago and he blew her off big time. Wanted nothing to do with her. I suppose he thought she was after $$, which she has plenty of her own as she was raised in $$. She had a wonderful full life. She let him go, and was hurt but completely understood. About 2 years ago, she thought she would reach out one more time. She found his obit on line, it was too late. She has a really good attitude about it.

The only way you're going to know how he will feel, is if you reach out. Don't expect a lot. That way you won't get hurt.

Anne, as Sylvia indicated, I am aware that you are not adopted and was offering insight as to reasons that some parents may not desire secrets to be uncovered. It's important that you have a stable foundation to withstand the negative or positive impact of opening this potential Pandora's box.

Consider this

http://www.legalgenealogist.com/2018/04/15/the-bc-mismatch/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TheLegalGenealogist+%28The+Legal+Genealogist%29

Anne -- This is emotional stuff! Of course you are upset. I would put Stop to this until you can settle yourself. Give yourself time to consider how to approach your probable birthfather confidentially. Remember, too, "Who wants to find an emotional wreck on his doorstep?"

Can you find a counselor to help you achieve equilibrium? I doubt you'll find anyone outside of the adoption triangle who will have had experience or training with 'the unknown parent' aspect, but most can help you center yourself, define what you want to achieve, and help you prepare for various outcomes. (Is there a self-help adoption group in your area?)

I seldom encountered a birthparent with that "I don't want to be found" attitude. I worked with hundreds of adult adoptees and birthparents in search of family members. A birthmother and I (adoptive mother and spouse of an adoptee) co-led a self help group for over a dozen years: Truth Seekers in Adoption in Chicago. (I will say that the older the found birthparent, the more likely he or she was to have been steeped in fear and shame.)

I'm sorry nannygoat, but in my experience, I seldom found a social worker with any -- or only outdated -- training about adoption issues. Training has long been centered on facilitating placements -- including this presumption that birthmothers want confidentiality *from their own children* when it was always imposed upon them.

The belief that anyone can lose a child, then 'forget and go on' is ridiculous. Every social worker knows the destructive force of Family Secrets.

A faction eager to perpetuate this concept has been adoptive parents. They are usually completely focused on finding *Their Baby*. They want to believe in the myth of blank slate/anonymous babies. Once they are caring for a child, and the Baby Hunger subsides, they begin to love that individual for his or her self -- much of which is inherited. Then, many regret that they don't have direct, non-filtered information to provide their child. They are comfortable being An Adoptive Family. They no longer require the pretense of 'only ours'.

Adding: It has been my sorrow to see adoptive parents only finally relax about this after an adult adoptee has found birthfamily -- and still sees them as Mom and Dad. Wasted fears over all those years!

Agree, albert.

It's slightly different but there's a similar experience I had. When one of my parents died, a distant cousin + family came out of the woodwork and flew cross-country for the funeral. We'd never met them before. I wasn't sure why they came. Conversations over several days and group events were awkward and there was little affinity. We had little in common.

I was never sure what they were after but when everything was concluded and it was time to say goodbye, I thanked them for coming. They asked "do you think you'll be able to come visit us sometime?", I politely said "You've given me your phone number and I'll call you should that happen." That was 10 years ago, there's been no further contact and, honestly, I didn't keep the phone number.

Relationships develop from spending enjoyable times and having shared experiences with other people. Strangers are strangers, there's nothing inherent in having a biological relationship or common ancestors that leads to affinity or even interest. You may not be able to get more facts or even talk to this guy. But even if there's a biological link, he may simply not be interested in knowing you. Isn't that how it's been up until now? He knows the facts, only you don't. Hopefully you can understand and respect that.

albert_135, my husband knows he has siblings from his bio-dad but he has no desire to meet them. I don't think he would tell them where to go, but he won't go looking for them either. My ex has two kids from 2 other relationships. I gave my son their info. He spoke with one for about an hour and that's the last he's heard from him. But his older brother and him still get in touch quite often and they've met face-to-face. His older brother had no idea he had two younger brothers. He was raised an only child and loved the idea of having siblings.

chisue, I wish I could "like" your post 100 times. I've been reunited with my son for 27 years, attended support and therapy groups, had private therapy in the beginning and now facilitate a support group for first (birth) mothers in reunions, so know you speak the truth.

If anyone doesn't believe the power of blood, the power of knowing or not knowing about your family and heritage, or children lost to adoption, spend a little time watching Long Lost Family on TLC. I think they do a pretty good job of capturing the emotions involved for people around many of these issues, including family secrets. While I believe the show is a shill for Ancestry.com, they do seem to use dna info to find family members.

I remember reading, many years ago, a book called Lethal Secrets about sperm donor families. I just watched an episode of Long Lost Family where two adults conceived by sperm donor were seeking their donor father(s). It was kind of heartbreaking to me to imagine that now people are using sperm donors, egg donors, surrogates, etc. and what that is going to mean for the children trying to make sense of their identities. I think our technologies have too quickly outpaced our moral and ethical values/considerations. It kind of sickens me to think of the consequences to real people for some of it.

I had made a comment that seems to have been removed. Feel free to disagree with me, don't feel free to be a cowardly, anonymous self-appointed censor. Someone "liked" my comment so it wasn't extreme.

I agreed with albert and offered a personal experience of meeting a distant relative I hadn't known at my parent's funeral and what a bust it had been. And then I said about the main topic in this thread:

"Relationships develop from spending enjoyable times and having shared experiences with other people. Strangers are strangers, there's nothing inherent in having a biological relationship or common ancestors that leads to affinity or even interest. You may not be able to get more facts or even talk to this guy. But even if there's a biological link, he may simply not be interested in knowing you. Isn't that how it's been up until now? He knows the facts, only you don't. Hopefully you can understand and respect that."

That's my opinion, as valid as anyone else's.

Lots of people have difficult or hurtful episodes in their lives. Things can change in life, in relationships or in non-relationships. I wasn't talking about that, only relating my own experience and the views that and other things have led me to.

People don't instantly bond because of DNA. It's a good cautionary tale.

I think it's very different meeting a distant unknown relative than it is meeting or longing to know a parent, child or sibling. Even with close relatives there are no guarantees but I think wanting to know a parent or sibling is very different than cousins or those even further removed.

I feel like the fact that I know the "parties" involved makes a difference.. I also appreciate those that caution me, I know it may not go the way I'd wish...very rare that things do. I think the truth is important to me. I have spoken to my family that I grew up with and they are as expected very supportive so I will think hard and make a decision. I thank everyone for all your advice. It is good to have opinions/advice from people not so close to it.

what to do after taking a DNA test

http://genealogyalacarte.ca/?p=23403  

https://www.rootstech.org/video/youve-taken-a-dna-test-now-what?__prclt=ixiAatdj

I was adopted as a baby. Both of my parents are dead now. I've often toyed with the idea of trying ancestry just to see if any relatives turn up that way. I'd love to know my medical history and the story of how I came to be. I'm not under any illusions a birth mother would "love me", and honestly I don't need that. My parents are the people who loved me, raised me, etc.. But unless you're adopted I think it's hard to know how it feels to literally have no idea who parts of you are.

olychick, you've described what I think to be an unusual chain of events that have been very important in your life. No one would want to do anything less than to give you a big hug and a "congrats" that things have worked out so well for you.

That wasn't my point. For me, adult relationships are social/interpersonal phenomena and not biological ones. You can enjoy the company of some people and not others, you can have common preferences and views compared to some people and not with others, etc, you know how that goes. Whether there's much in agreement or not, we all develop relationships with people we admire and or enjoy being with. There's not a biological or ancestral component to that in my view.

Perhaps emotionally someone wants to know or encounter or have a relationship that otherwise hasn't existing because of a familial tie but whether or not that develops must surely be majorly affected by other, non-familial things.

I'm not disagreeing with you, Elmer, just saying that I believe there is a greater chance of familiarity, longing for connection/closeness and bonding between close family members meeting than some random cousin. That desire and what I see as an almost spiritual connection can make ongoing and close relationships much more likely. But just like family you are raised with or by, there is no guarantee of actually liking one another. Not everyone who births a child is likeable, nor is every offspring or sibling. People have all kinds of issues that make relationships with them challenging or impossible. But, I believe, if you have a longing to know your family, or the circumstances of your birth, you have a right to try to accomplish that - knowing it could be the greatest thing ever, or a total disappointment. It's worth the risk.

If for no other reason, to know about medical history and possible passed down health genes. I'm not sure I could do it, but needing to know this information is pretty important if you can get it.

I found out from my mom when I was 38 that I had a half brother that she had when she was very young. She was found by that some organization had found her on his behalf. That’s the only reason she told us because she thought that we would be contacted by him which we were. She was very upset by this and would have nothing to do with him he tried and he vent came to her house with his family. Soon as she found out they were she slammed the door. I felt so bad for him and his family but we keep in touch have now for 20 years. I guess it was such a shame back then to have an illegitimate child that she never got over it and wanted to forget it ever happened. my Curiosity would get the better of me, but Who knows!

I already know the family....I think for me that makes a difference. I am hoping they will be receptive.....but if not, I will live with that. My family is supportive....so I guess we will see how the "new" family feels.

I people didn't have an interest in where (and who) they came from, genealogy wouldn't be the second most popular hobby in the US.

If people never felt an affinity for their close relatives, I wouldn't have to warn reuniting adults about an attraction to 'the familiar' that feels like sexual attraction. (It's not opposites that attract, but 'likes'.)

"genealogy wouldn't be the second most popular hobby in the US."

This doesn't sound right, or even close to being the case. What's the source?

Try these for popular pursuits - exercise/fitness/wellness activities, spectator sports, cultural events and facilities, reading, cooking, golf, social media, fishing and other water activities, travel, hiking and camping, and on and on. I don't think genealogy is more popular than any of these, and there are more with time anyone could add to the list. Am I missing something?

Snidely, do you argue and hijack threads just because you can or do you have some sort of problem? Your know it all attitude is boring.

The source is familytree.com http://www.familytree.com/blog/genealogy-is-the-second-most-popular-hobby-in-the-u-s/

You have to click through a couple of links to get to the main source, though.

I followed it through from the USA Today article, chloecat. The source is ONE poll done by ONE college, cited in a 2003 book about genealogy. Love that if you want to, I don't.

"Snidely, do you argue and hijack threads just because you can or do you have some sort of problem? Your know it all attitude is boring"

My user name is Elmer.

I say a lot of different things but you only ever seem to be ready to pounce on me with personal attacks. It's not new. From things you've said, it strikes me that you don't like men, maybe because of experiences you've had in your life. Do you target me for that reason? That's REALLY boring, get a grip.

I'm aware of the source, since I googled it after your question. I was simply linking the same "statement" saying such. I didn't say I believed it or "loved" it.

I found out I was related to Lizzie Borden on my mother's side. I did so with some free brief ancestry.com searches and then some general internet sleuthing. I found the major connection in someone else's genealogy which was that persons own website.

Sorry, chloecat, another too quick comment. I was responding to the link but the "love that if you want to " wasn't referring to you, in saying you. It would have been better and what I meant was "anyone who wants can love that source and consider it meaningful and authoritative, I don't".

According to this article in Time, "ABC news reports that Genealogy is the second most popular hobby in the US.... and the second most visited category of websites, after pornography."

http://time.com/133811/how-genealogy-became-almost-as-popular-as-porn/

ABC news:

http://abcnews.go.com/Business/genealogy-hot-hobby-worth-16b-mormons/story?id=17544242

"According to American Demographics magazine, genealogy is America’s fastest-growing hobby. Depending on what source you believe (and family historians know all about conflicting sources!), genealogy is the nation’s second or third most popular leisure activity. It’s the second most frequently found topic on the Internet."

source:https://www.familytreemagazine.com/premium/editor-s-note-catching-the-bug/

So, it might not actually be #2, it might be #1.

With advice from the family (blood related) that I grew up with and advice from another close person who knows all parties I reached out (to one particular person)....Long story short....recent things have made them also question rumor. I already have contact with many of them just through a small, rural area and thru our jobs on occasion. Got together to catch up and discussed it. Bottom line, my biological father does not deserve the title and these others I know as siblings, and more distant cousins and I agree we all had suspicions. So, it is not perfect but I know and like these people and my other siblings who have no relation agree and support it. I appreciate all the advice, and I know many people have bad, bad results and with bio dad mine was but that isn't on me and I hope to get closer with these people who I already know and like and they like me...It has been from younger years that we spent more time together but they are open to things.

Sorry, oly, this doesn't pass the smell test.

The article says there are 2 million members of Ancestry.com. I'm sure there are many enthusiasts who research their own background but don't belong. How many more?

Let's look at spectator sports. There are 32 NFL teams, so 16 games per weekend. Average attendance - let's say 60,000 (likely higher). Call it one million per weekend. Big Ten football - there are nearly a handful of teams that average over 100,000 fans per game. Call that 500-600,000 per weekend. That doesn't start to include the other major college leagues (ACC, Pac-12) for football and other sports.

Baseball? Maybe 30 teams, so 15 games on a Sunday. 30,000 per game? Another half a million. PER WEEK. Not always different people but often so.

Exercise and fitness - tens of millions. Cultural events? Tens of millions. Ditto hiking and camping, water sports, etc.