Ak, you are such a kind person. Given all the info though, you have to say no.

I would say, "I am so sorry but my answer has to be no." No extra explanation.

You do not owe her an explanation as she is not a true friend. Yes, you feel bad for her, and her situation and maybe you can help her in other ways.

You also will have future possible guests waiting in the wings. And, I know you don't have control over those. You need to stand up for this one, one where you do have control.

I know how much you value your private space.

First of all, it is an unreasonable request and based on your needs and your husband's, you have to say no.

You can just say something vague, like I am sorry but I cannot do that. If you felt the need to explain (you don't need to IMHO), you could cite your anxiety. If you wanted an excuse and DH didn't mind, you can blame him.

Sorry for the stress of this! Your home is so lovely, I can imagine why you have to fight them off! : )

Eld and Mtn thank you! Mtn, you are funny and very kind. I appreciate you both responding.

You're kind, but your life and your marriage come first. It's sad for her, but I've seen other people go against their gut and take in friends/family, and it created drama in lives, when there had been peace of mind.

I know it sounds terribly sexist and weak in this day and age, but I blame my husband for all sorts of things I want to extricate myself from socially.

Thanks dyhgarden and Rita. I am going to wait and see if my DH will let me use him as an excuse. I wished I could just be honest but sometimes, honesty is not always the best policy.

She needs to learn to make it on her own. She has the ability she just won't do it. (She is 45 and has sole custody of her daugther) and she has put that kids through hell...bringing countless men into their lives and sobbing in front of her daughter constantly. I wished her ex husband and his wife would file for sole custody just to give that poor 8 year old a chance. I would take her happily if she was there for me but she is always in it for herself. I mean, to not hear a word except when she needs something makes me not want to say yes in any way.

I would say having a guest would be too much stress for us. Plain and simple.

No, I'm afraid I can't do that. Sorry!

Her :Why?

You: I don't feel like getting into that now, end of discussion.

Her: you can't tell me why?

You: Silence (you already ended the discussion).

Her: Well I guess I'll just end up homeless on the streets. I thought we were close.

You: Silence (you already ended that discussion).

Wait

Wait

More silence

Wait

Once she gets off that topic and onto another you can start talking again.

Ok... done. I told her that my husband and I agreed a while back not to have anyone live with us as it is stressful and puts a strain on our marriage. I told her I was glad she had other options and that I am here for her if she needs me. She in turn said "it's ok, she expected that answer." More passive aggressiveness. She is so good at that. Oh well....

That was the most honest answer I could give. Thanks to you all for your suggestions and support!!! I love this forum!

I'm not even sure how I found your question; however, I feel compelled to answer. And, for the record, if we were chatting in person, we'd be sitting on my porch drinking sweet tea, and you'd hear all this in a friendly Southern drawl. :)

It sounds as if the person asking (IMHO, 'friend' is a misnomer in this case, because friendship is a two-way relationship) knows how to be assertive, a bit aggressive, and definitely good at making you feel guilty. Take a deep breath, and just say 'no.' If you begin or finish with 'sorry,' you will only open the door for 'why not?' Be quick, be firm; and if you can't do it face-to-face or over the phone, send a text or email. Do not worry about losing a friendship, because she is not a true friend. You are not under any obligation to enable her choice of lazy lifestyle. If she is truly a friend, she will understand. If you need words, try these:

"I've discussed your request with my husband, and we cannot accommodate you in our home. I wanted to let you know now, so you have time to make other plans."

Hope this helps and good luck! Learning to say, 'no' is one of the best life skills we can acquire. Makes one's life so much happier! :)

Whoops...I was typing and didn't see you've already handled this beautifully. :) Well done!

That was a great answer and the best part is that it's now over! Interesting that she claims to have expected that answer. I hope she fully accepts your decision and doesn't try to make you feel guilty about it.

That had to be hard to do, but it was totally the right move. I'm such a jerk, I probably wouldn't have replied.

Ak, your difficulty may be that you think of this person as “a close friend” but I don’t see any indication that she is, if she only calls you when she needs something. I’d be torn if she were a thoughtful person herself who would do the same for you as what you wish you could do for her. More than the messiness, your husband’s mild dislike for her and her emotional problems, it is your description of her as simeone who only calls when she’s in need that would help me decide without any compunction.

You handled it superbly!

Nicely done. Now cross it off your list of things to worry about!

Aktillery....way to go! It’s very hard to say no in a situation like this but you handled it very well.

About 15 years ago a college friend (I met him senior year, we were just friends and I subsequently became friends with his wife) got a job in our area. In hindsight, I stupidly offered for him to stay with us for a few months while his wife and kids stayed behind to finish the school year, pack up the house, etc. As great of friends we were in college, it was difficult having him here long term. All families/people have their own vibe, ways of doing things and it’s hard to mesh on a long term, live in basis. This experience cast a pall on the relationship and things were never the same afterwards, although we still see them occasionally.

I think the only time I would open my home to family or friends other than a (short) visit would be for a true emergency.....their house burned down, a snowstorm knocked out their power, etc. it’s stressful when you can’t really be comfortable and at ease in your own home because of long term houseguests.

You did it, yayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

I am happy that is behind you. Nest time you have to do this, it will be easier ;-)

You handled a difficult situation very well! I just feel sorry for her daughter.

I’m glad that you were able to find a way to work it out but most of all, I appreciate that you were honest with her. On a separate note, and this is just food for thought but after reading your description of her and even the way she responded to your honesty, I have to ask, what motivates you to keep someone like that in your life? (And/or to even offer to help her in other ways?) My question may sound cruel or even mean when you first read it, but it really isn’t. IMO, friendships are a two way street and involve give and take from both sides. If she can’t even answer a text or call unless she needs something from you, what exactly is it you get from the relationship and what makes you want to be there for her?

Lukki,

We have been friends since we were 12 yrs old. She has not always been so selfish. She has, in the past, helped me in very meaningful ways. We moved from Texas to Atlanta together, lived together etc. We have so much history that it is hard to put her friendship out to pasture. However, I see your point, especially given what I wrote.

Ak, my only question to you is that you sometimes do have people who live with you (usually your DH's family etc.) so how will it fly in the future if this friend finds out others are accommodated?

Unless of course a precedent is set and you now both agree to the no long-term house guests?

Now my problem is a close friend who has more than a slew of problems... she quit her (very well paying) job a year and a half ago and is living off medicaid.

Qualifying for Medicaid is complex for adults in many states. One is permitted to have certain assets, such as a home. That is a specific asset, looking at their rules it appears to mean ownership of a home, not just the cost of a place to stay.

However, once qualified for the program, an increase in assets/income can disqualify a person. Staying with someone for a few days is a visit. However, if one stays for months the value of the housing might be counted as a form of income. If she is receiving a certain amount of $ through various programs,(Medicaid, disability) it is possible that the monthly value of staying at your house might be enough to disqualify her.

So you may have ended up helping her by not allowing a long term stay. I suggest that she consult someone in the program she is in to help determine exactly what she can and cannot do to retain her benefits.

Eld, my husband and I did agree that we would not have any future long term guests. It is just to stressful.

Oh, that is great then! So glad that decision was reached for you!

Side story: I too have a long time friend. My issue with her is that she turned out to not be as good a friend as I thought she was. Very disappointing when she didn't step up to the plate when I needed her the most.

I, like you, have such a long history with this friend, but if I think most here would tell me to let it go if I explained all the details. So I do understand what you were feeling.

So glad to hear you escaped this situation and any more "live-ins" in the future. That would drive me crazy. We adhere to the fish rule as visitors and with guests. "Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days".....Benjamin Franklin. I don't like staying at someone's home any longer than that and I don't like people staying with me longer than that. It's probably different for people who have had a houseful of kids but since it's just been the two of us for 40 years we're not accustomed to having other people living with us.

AK your situation is eerily similar to the one I was in and prompted the question. I’d known my friend since kindergarten. Our dad’s were “buddies” and our Mom’s worked at the same bank together. Once we were grown, we were best of friends for many years and things were fine. However, while in our lates 30’s she started to change, making odd self distructive choices and neglecting her kids. I tried to be supportive and keep an open mind but at the same time, I often felt as if I was compromising myself to do that. Then shortly after I married my husband, she asked if he could do some computer work on the side for the company she owned. He agreed to do the job on her terms, (payment when completed) because he trusted the friendship we had. The job took a couple of months but when it was done, she ultimately stiffed him out of the money. Even though we were struggling and needed that money for bills, to me, that was secondary. What really got my goat was that he hadn’t been in the US for very long, she knew he had a very kind (and unsuspecting) heart and she totally used that and the friendship to her advantage. That’s when I said enough and cut ties with her. It was a hard lesson to learn but ever since then, we’ve been a lot more selective about who we let into our world. I hope your friend appreciates the support and kindness you are willing to provide to her.

Lukki, that’s horrible. I’m so sorry that happened to you and your dear husband. I’d cut her loose too.

There is one thing that she did recently that made me question if I could stay her friend.

A common and close friend of ours recently divorced. They were married since out of college.. so for over 20 years and have two kids. My friend and I both know our now divorced friend since we were in college.

My friend that wanted to stay with me for the summer (lets call her Cathy) slept with and started a relationship with my other friend (we will call her Sara) with Sara's husband right before the divorce was final. I told Cathy that she would lose Sara's friendship forever and that if someone did that to me (such as Cathy with my ex husband) I would never forgive her and could not be her friend. Well, she did and ruined the friendship. It is hard to look at her and not feel sick over this. There is so much more that is really just sickening about this story but I will keep it brief.

Sorry...figured I would vent some more since you all are such great listeners!!! Love this forum!

Thank you. It’s sad to see people we care about go down those paths; at least you are engaging with your eyes wide open. My friend just kept doing things I never DREAMED she’d ever do. My mistake. LOL

Lukki, I have lost too many friends to mental illness and sheer petty bs. It has been hard and my number of close friends seem to have dwindled each year. I always thought that this kind of thing happened when you were younger..... not as an adult. Guess you learn the hard way.

Time and time again my bff and I have discussed the bottom line issue here. People at times ask too much. They are rude. The most honest answer, the one in our hearts we want to give we deem as rude or cruel or embarrassing, so we let the initial rude request win. It is ok for THEM to be rude but not us to respond truthfully because WE don't want to offend. I am not talking about being snarky or mean I am just saying why is it the "nice guys" resist being assertive and standing up for themselves?!! You have every reasonable expectation to say what you did. Life is messy but that is no reason to be a door mat!!!

“I am not talking about being snarky or mean”

Arcy, that’s why for years now one of my favorite sayings has been, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it”. Knowing how to be kind but assertive is a tool a lot of people never learn but can be so freeing once they do. No matter how hard being honest can be at times, anything but an honest answer doesn’t really help the asker and in the end is only self compromising.

Aktillery, they say you become more like yourself as you age, so perhaps your friends are just becoming more concentrated with those behaviors as they are growing older. And many of us become less able to tolerate BS from others as we come to realize life is short, too short for other people's drama. At least that's what's happened to me!

Lake to this.

21/2 yrs ago my sis ask to borrow $5,000. She is on SS has not worked to supplement her income. Had no way of paying it back.

i thought about it overnight then called her and said it was the hardest phone call I’ve had to make in yrs. she apologized for asking for money.

She was trying to buy a house. Banker helped her get financing through USDA. Better deal for her.

Interesting that sometimes by refusing, better things have a chance of occurring.

Sometimes better things happen but not always. My nephew whom I will call A Lost Boy was living with us for many years. Until. I began to have a very bad reaction to his cigarette smoking although he kept it outside. We had to ask him to leave. Because of his disability problems he has been unable to approach anyone for help and lives in his car. He works periodically which he had always done but cannot take the next step. Our nephew hardly speaks with us anymore after 10 years of living with us. We miss him. He accepts the birthday and Christmas money though :-) I will continue to do that until the day I die.

I'm glad you were able to find the way to say no to your difficult situation. All the best for your figuring out that relationship.

My personal bells went off when you said " left a very well-paying job and is living on Medicare".

I don't know exactly how old you are, but someone with a well-paying job should have enough savings to at least survive for a reasonable period of time on their own.