Do you feel forgotten..........

JoAnn_Fla

Now that you have no spouse? Does it feel like everyone has walked away and doesn't care anymore now that you are alone?

Why does this happen? When we need friends and family the most they are gone or can't be bothered.

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bleusblue2

I had heard that this happens. It didn't happen to me for several reasons. I live near a busy street but in an old neighbourhood. I could go daily to the neighbourhood café where the people knew my husband and me. I have several close friends in the neighbourhood and we would meet in the café at least once a day. I had and still have a lot of work to do around the estate, and I can't remember there was so much to do. I don't have children so I don't have this kind of social life. Maybe it's because our life centered around our work and friends? I know my mother's social circle was her sisters and her children. She had a business too. But my parents weren't in the habit of spending time with acquaintances. I do think that it also has to do with where you live and sometimes it's a matter of luck whether you have the kind of friends who will be ready to help you through hard times. Once you find that you've gotten through this by yourself or with very little help, you'll probably want to be a friend to other people who experience that, don't you think?

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JoAnn_Fla

I live in the country so that may be part of the problem. I haven't found many friends in this area, and the ones I did have moved away or passed on.


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bleusblue2

At any other time, people would be advising you to reach out and make new friends but what you really need is just to be comfortable with people who care about you. I'm sorry that you find yourself alone at this time. I hope you can find some way to get through this hard time. One thing I know, you have to distract yourself, otherwise 24 hours a day you may be going over and over the past -- at least I did. Even when with people I'd find myself drifting off, but still a five minute break from tears is a five minute break. The breaks get longer as time passes. You have to distract yourself. Can you do that?

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JoAnn_Fla

I distract myself all the time. I tried and tried to find new friends also but no one is interested. Maybe its where I live, a age thing, or they are all fine just as they are. I try to stay busy but there are times its still hard.

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marylmi

I know exactly how you feel as I feel the same way. I live in the country too and though I try to keep busy every so often I really get the blues. People are going on with their lives with their spouses (and they should) and they just don't seem to realize those that lost a spouse could use a phone call or a visit more often. I have friends that I meet with from time to time but they live 25 miles away. They are widows also. Wishing you well.

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mustangs81

Yes I do!

He was "the man" locally and around the country plus he was an incredibly nice guy. Married to him for 49 years. To give you an idea...his passing was featured on the FRONT page of the Tampa Tribune. What I receive in the way of support and condolences was to honor him and not really support of me...that's okay as I was the bitch.

I am starting my second Grief Support group in hopes of finding the magic bullet.

The good news I have learned how to respond and support others who go through a loss and not just say "I'm sorry about your loss".

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JoAnn_Fla

I haven't found that magic bullet yet either. I have come to believe it doesn't exist. I always thought there had to be a "key" but I am doubtful of that also. I think we just have to ........do it alone and not even look for any help for others. At 6 yrs it seems so much harder and lonelier.


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l pinkmountain

I was single up until I turned 50. Even without a lost spouse, this is how you feel when you are single a lot of the time. The only solution is to reach out and get together with people whenever you can. I have a friend who makes lunch and dinner dates and never misses a theater show and has a regular volunteer gig. She's depressed over the loss of her husband, but is working to keep it at bay. It's difficult making new friends in a rural area and when you are older, but not impossible. My dad goes to the senior center. Forces himself to go. It isn't always terrible there. Some people are the kind who will reach out, but they are few and far between. It's just the way our society is now, self-absorbed. Don't be afraid to be the one who does the asking. Others out there may feel as you do and be glad for a social opportunity.

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Mrs. S

JoAnn, your post touched me. My own mother is basically living with me now, and seems depressed and cries all the time, and my dad passed away, oh, about 10 years ago!!. She comes alive during social events, but never wants to initiate them--she hardly wants to initiate anything at all, and most (but not all) of her pastimes involve lonely activities like Sudoku, TV watching, newspaper reading. I understand this is NOT your situation, but I don't want you to go down her road.... but you living out in the country like that, and clearly needing some stronger social connections.... says to me that it is time to move. You need a fresh start, and please do something while you are still young enough to enjoy life and make purposeful changes in your life. Set yourself up to have a happier NEXT 10 years....rather than wait around while things do not improve for you. NOW is the time!!! Perhaps it's time to go get a condo in a more bustling suburb, where there are community centers, a YMCA, senior centers, a community college, and places where people get out and DO things together. You are NOT alone, but you seem stuck. I'm glad you reached out here, and I hope that something speaks to you. Blessings, and good luck.

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JoAnn_Fla

Thanks Mrs S, but I would never move. My son lives on my property and he is all I have. I work part time so I do get out. I have tried everything I can think of to meet people but its just no happening.


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dowlinggram

Are there other widows near where you live? They'd be feeling much like you do. I suggest you have a soup night and invite them to it. All you'd need is a big pot of homemade soup. Print up some invitations on your computer and send them out. You could call it widows meeting widows.

There are 4 widows in my neighbourhood including me. We take turns having soup night once a week. The soup is secondary to the companionship but it gets us out of the house once a week and with people who understand where you are coming from. Sure we all have other things to occupy us but soup night is special.

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Mrs. S

Hi, JoAnn, I'm sympathetic, I am. I know how hard it is to make a change. It sounds like you are very dependent on your son? Is that working for both of you?

An idea that I have is volunteering in a local school. They can use help, often. And there's nothing like boisterous kids to make being alone feel peaceful.

What are your hobbies...or are there any you would like to explore?

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JoAnn_Fla

No widows around this area, an believe me I have tried to find friends here. I work so I don't need to do anything else. I have explored everything I know of. Thanks


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