I am 70. Both parents are dead. My older sister died more than 25 years ago and my younger brother died about 15 years ago.

I am who I am. I do not agonize about who I am and what I have done with my life.

I haven't felt that way because it seems to be the natural order of things, but my father, who is the oldest sibling, has lost two of his younger siblings and two of his nephews recently and I can see that those losses have emphasized his feelings of his own mortality.

Texas - My condolences to you on the loss of your grandfather.

My identity changed recently and today is a very hard day for me. I am an orphan!

I'm sorry for your loss.

My dh's uncle called it being an adult orphan.

So sorry about the lose of your granddad.

I had this discussion with a cousin of mine. I lost both parent's while in my 30's, but I never have considered myself an orphan. To me an orphan is a young child who has to grow up without parents.

Texas Gem, I once watched a show about parent's losing children. One woman said that now she was no longer a mother. The therapist disagreed and said that she would always be a mother.

Certainly different ways to look at things.

I'm sorry for your loss and for the struggle and pain your grandfather went through.

Becoming an orphan is...very sad for most. It's a very strange feeling.

I don't have any parents, grandparents or a Husband, that really changed my life.

sorry for you loss Tx gem

I recently heard an NPR host interviewing Amy Dickenson ("Ask Amy" columnitst). In their discussion about loss, the host said he believes you never quite feel fully an adult until your parents die. I think he means that it just doesn't hit you until there is no longer anyone alive to whom you are a 'child' -- no one who with memory of you as their precious baby, toddler, and so on. Maybe only an only 'child' like me -- or the eldest in a family -- has that feeling.

I was in my 20s when I had only one older member of our branch of the family tree. That was my sister, who is older than I by 15 months.

Even though I was 20 when our mother died, and 21 when my father died (they died a month and three days apart and my 21st birthday was in between), I have never believed that I am an orphan. As Eld6161 said, orphans are young children who grow up without parents.

I will always be a daughter. I will always be a niece. Although my parents, aunts, and uncles are no longer alive, the relationship cannot be severed.

Yes, no buffer, that's a good way of describing it. My mom's death was not a surprise but what was surprising to me is that I kept mumbling to myself: "I don't have a mother", "I don't have a mother". Don't feel alone but definitely feel w/o buffer.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts agreed with what others have stated, your dad will always be a son and you will always be a grandchild. All of my grandparents and my dad and both in laws have passed on. I miss them and can't see them here but they are still my grandparents and parents.

I'm so sorry. When my last parent died, the best word to describe how I felt was untethered. I have no siblings and all of a sudden I felt completely alone.

It is a strange feeling.

I can relate to what you're saying. When my mother passed last July, her sister is in essentially the same situation as she is the only one left from her generation.

Funny too that even though I'm an adult in the same age group as your dad, (50 something?) I'm still not used to the reality that both of my parents are gone now. I don't however agree that one's identity changes just because they experience a loss. I am and always will be my parent's daughter and they will always be my parents. I will always be a grand daughter, niece and so on to our grandparents, aunts, uncles and loved ones. From my perspective, nothing in that regard ever changes.

ETA: I waited to read the responses until after I finished mine. It's comforting to see that most people feel in many ways the same way I have. And Texas Gem, I too am very sorry for your loss (((hugs)))

I'm sorry for the death in your family. And I'm sorry for all of you who lost parents and close relatives too early in your life and in theirs'.

Everyone deals with these changes differently, I was interested in your choice of the phrase "changing identity", TG. I guess for some that's the essence of these events but there can be so many other reactions too.

Many relationships in life are fleeting, whether it's friends or family. The better relationships always end too soon and sometimes the not so-good ones last too long. We all should try to make the best of what we have and never take anyone or anything for granted.

My own feeling is similar to Jim's. I am who I am. I've never defined myself as being this person's this or that person's that. .

What struck me after my parents died within a year of each other was that my sister and I were now the elders of our family. It's kind of an odd feeling to go from being the kids to being the elders, maybe felt more strongly by us because neither of us have children, so there is no younger generation that will take our place someday.

Texas_Gem,

I, too, am the oldest person remaining in our branch of the family. Both parents and all four grandparents have died.

However, your place in your family doesn't change. You can't say you're no longer a granddaughter. Your relatives might not be living but they'll always be your parents, grandparents, etc. Your grandparents have passed on but you're still their granddaughter. See what I mean?

Just because someone has passed away doesn't mean they never lived. They're not alive and walking around but your familial bond hasn't been broken in any way.

Kessala

I did not have an identity crisis when my parents died. My father passed away at age 82. I did not expect the passing, but was not surprised because I knew his health was failing. I lived in another state and did not have day to day updates.

The next event was the passing of mother's last sibiling. She came from a family of 10 siblings. That one was my last uncle. My aunts had already died. This was taken hard by mother. It made her feel so alone.

Several years pass and then mother passes away at age 96. Her passing was no surprise since she was visibly failing and had several events of passing out if she raised her arm over her head to adjust a curtain. It was not a full pass-out, but enough to cause her to collapse and fall. With her passing, my sister and I became the oldest members of our nearest family. At the time, we had cousins who were a bit older than we were.

These events did not cause a crisis with us, but did put a stamp of reality on our own vulnerability and advancing age while closing out mother's estate. There was a moment of this when we discovered Dad's WW1 uniform, and a shoe box of family memorabilia documents dating back to 1822. That box of papers represented all that we had left of our family. We, then, realized that in the not too distant future, we too would pass on. It made us reflect on what would be our legacy that we might leave behind. What, if anything, would be our contribution to society? Would it be worthwhile, or would it be the hole in the surface of a bucket of water after pulling a finger out of it; merely a ripple that quickly fades.

Thanks everyone. It's weird and hard to describe but I can tell that some of you relate.

I don't feel sad, especially given that it was Alzheimer's and he was gone a long time ago, but it does feel weird. Especially weird because he was the last of that generation. I grew up visiting great aunts and uncles as much as my own grandparents and now all the ones I knew, they are all gone.

I guess I've fully transitioned into "that" role. I'm the one with the kids taking them to visit my parents and aunts and uncles.

My condolences, TX Gem. I am the sole survivor of my immediate family. By being the youngest by so many years, it was really not unexpected.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't feel an identity change. But I REALLY miss my Grandma & Dads stories of old times.

I'll never hear those stories again. And they were part of my history.

I disagree about always being 'a daughter, a niece, (whatever)'. I do not say I *have* a mother or an uncle when the parties are deceased. I *had* a mother and I *had* an uncle. I no longer *have* them, and they no longer exist to *have* me.

One can become an orphan after having had parents for years. When parents are absent, their child is an orphan. Granted, you are not an orphaned *child* after 18 or 21.

Abandonment is perhaps the greatest fear of children. Look at all the fairy tales and books that make use of that theme. Maybe some residual insecurity resurfaces when a parent dies -- long after the 'child' is no longer dependent on a parent for his life and care. That could lead into the idea of only fully recognizing your independence once your parents are gone.

(Dad has let go of the bicycle seat, and you realize you're riding just fine on your own.)

Both my parents have passed away, as have both of my husband's parents, as well as all of our aunts and uncles. I don't feel like an orphan, but definitely miss my parents and feel time marching on as we are now the eldest generation in our families.

This point has been driven home more so the past few weeks as my eldest brother is very ill and has been hospitalized for the past several weeks with a potentially life threatening condition.

My parents were in their late 80's / early 90's when they died, so it was expected. But I wasn't expecting my otherwise healthy brother's illness and it's highlighted his and my own mortality.

I don't have a good explanation for it, but I feel 'old' and alone. It may be that I'm turning 60 later this year and milestone birthdays bother me. In my mind I still feel like I'm in my 30's. I workout regularly, work in a technology industry, ride a motorcycle and like to hike, but the fact is that I'm getting older. Over a year ago, my only child was diagnosed with an incurable, life threatening illness and while he is doing well, it is in my mind every day that we could lose him.

Sorry to be such a downer - thanks for letting me vent.

TG - my condolences on your grandfather's passing. Regardless of age, it's tough to say good bye to a loved one.

My condolences on your grandfathers passing. I did at one time think about this...seemed like there should have been a memorial put in place for this passing...right? It's just your frame of mind right now. That was how it was for me.

I come from a very small close-knit family. Unlike others I
know, with large families, where no one gets along, we really cared deeply for
each other. I was blessed to have them in my life and on occasions such as birthdays,
Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter the main focus was “family”. Within a very short time, all three (two
younger) are gone. Now, I’m not anyone’s sister or daughter. Though I’m blessed
to have had them, nothing is the same. I am alone. It is how I feel.

I was only 8 when my mother died. Brother was 5 and sister about 2 and a half. My brother barely remembers her and my sister only has her in pictures. She took over 1200 35mm slides of our "life" and put them on a DVD WOW, it that great!

When grandparents died, one by one... I didn think about my identity a bit. When my Dad died, of pancreatic cancer at the age I am now, I realized I/we were orphans.

(((texas gem)))

My dad died when I was 43 and my mom is still alive at my age of 63. My parents were still a very important and a necessary part of my life through my 30's, especially my father. I can't imagine losing him earlier than I did. and when he died I felt untethered - that is a good word for it..When my mom goes I won't feel the same but I will be the elder of my family and it is a role that will be nonexistant - I have zero interest in that.

My kids are 30 and 28 and they still call and use us as sounding boards. I really hope to live until my late 70's so that I am around when they enter their 40's.

The father of a friend of mine died last week at the age of 91. My friends mom, (the wife) is 89. In January both her sister and her brother died and now her husband as died. She is reeling from the losses and doesn't know how to process the feeling of being alone. It seems that age doesn't really matter.

I haven't had grandparents since I was a child. Didn't know them even then. Only met one and a step-grandmother when I was very young. Saw my step-grandmother as a young adult when she was in a hospital and my dad and I drove out to New Mexico to help his brother and her clean the houses she owned up. She didn't live another year. My mom died when I was in my early 40s. Now my dad has dementia and I'm pretty sure he doesn't know who I am when I call and talk to him. It's weird and sad that when I tell him I'm going somewhere he doesn't worry and tell me to be careful or not to go at all, because of all the accidents on the road, etc....It was a little annoying when he did that but now I miss it. No one worries about me anymore ) :

Losing my parents made me acutely aware that I am one step closer to my own mortality. And quite lonely because no one will ever love you like your parents did...

You're so right, nyce, about no one loving you like your (most) parents. When I'm sick, I have a strong urge to tell my mom about it since she has always seemed to care the most and I always feel rather depressed when I'm sick. :) She isn't what she used to be now and will only say "That's too bad," now when I tell her I'm under the weather, but it still makes me feel better to tell her. Silly, huh?

I lost my dad when I was a child, my sister when I was in my early 20's, my mom in 2001, my brother not long after her. It was a really strange feeling to know I was the only one left.

A recent New Yorker has a story on loss: "Losing Streak", Feb. 13 & 20 combined edition. Kathryn Schulz lost her father last September.

She begins her article with all the items we lose -- and usually find again or replace: Keys, phones, earrings, hats, gloves, etc.

Then she gets to the completely different import and *permanence* of losing an individual, the profound, endless and forever, 'missing'. She says, "Death is loss without the possibility of being found."