I don't have any information, Lisa, but just want to say that I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish you the very best.

If you have health insurance start there on its website. Also, what city are you in? Someone here on gw might know a therapist. Good luck.

Oh Lisa, I'm sorry. My ex and I went many years ago and I don't even remember how we found the marriage counselor. We stayed married for ten more years with his counseling, though. If you are both willing to do the hard work, that helps. And the ten years were important ones when our son moved from childhood to high school graduation. I hope you will keep us posted. Sending you hugs and positive energy.

Ask your/a healthcare provider. They make a lot of referrals to therapists.

A friend has been married almost 40 years and they have been to counselors off and on in the different locations they've lived in. Her DH suffers from severe depression and of course that affects the marriage. It hasn't been easy for her. I think she always started with recommendations from her primary care.....I think they may give you more than just one name.....and she said if one wasn't working or they didn't like them, they would move on to someone else. Just don't give up if you don't like the first one...you may have to try several before you find one you click with.

I'm sorry you are going through this and hope you and your DH find the right therapist and get back on track.

I appreciate the responses so far, but I will not base my decision on who's covered on our insurance plan or who my healthcare physician recommends. Based on our current healthcare model, I wouldn't ask a psychological counselor for a recommendation for a doctor who performs annual ob/gyn exams or cholesterol checks. I don't understand this trust in very different professions to make recommendations across physical and psychological borders because they usually don't factor in one another. Unless you have different healthcare experiences, my experiences are that physical healthcare providers focus on bodily health and prescribe pharmaceuticals for mental health. I don't see that my physical doctor has any expertise in mental health and relationship counseling.

I'm seeking feedback from those who have sought relationship counseling.

You may not believe that asking your doctor for a suggestion is a place to go to - but they are interested in your overall health. If you're stressed out that is going to eventually cause you physical issues and that they want to avoid. They are tapped into what is going on in your community and most, not all, get feed back from their patients, the hospital, the clinics. etc.

You're looking for suggestions but are discounting a lot of avenues so I wonder how vested you are in solving your problems. What do you have to lose by asking your primary care giver. How I know this isn't anyone's business.

I'm sorry things are difficult in your marriage. I do think finding a therapist that "fits" can be a crap shoot, because regardless of who is referring; their needs and priorities are going to be different than yours. I think I would start with someone credentialed in an area of expertise that you may see as important. I would think you can get consultations with several therapists until you find someone you both feel is a good fit.

You might be able to narrow down the options by looking at whether you both feel comfortable with one sex over the other. Some men feel more comfortable with a woman; however, some men don't acknowledge the authority/expertise of women. Same the other way; I know I would never feel comfortable in marriage counseling with a male therapist, just because of the power differences between men and women. I would feel very emotionally vulnerable with two men in a counseling situation. I have seen a male therapist I liked very much, but it wasn't couples counseling - it was caregiver issues.

I hope you find someone who can help you.

Most primary care docs will admit they do not have expertise in relationship counseling; that is exactly why we refer patients to colleagues. We often hear back from patients if they liked the referral or not.

DF got a referral to a great neurologist from her PhD therapist. The therapist knew the neurologist from one of her other patients.

Another way is to look for a therapist on staff at an academic healthcare institution where vetting of credentials may be more stringent.

I do not believe that a conventionally trained physician who has examined my blood pressure and cholesterol has any expertise to recommend a doctor who could examine my brain and my relationships. I am well-versed in our conventional medical approaches.

I'm seeking feedback from those who have sought relationship counseling.

I do think there are a lot of great providers out there that don't use the Internet. That said in the absence of being able to ask around, the Internet would be the first place I would start, because you can get a sense of who's in your area and read up about their approach. I recently searched around for someone, not the friend I discussed in another thread, and it was amazing how much information you could find. Some people even have Google reviews or reviews on rate MDs.com or whatever.

You mentioned you have read up on the types of approaches counsellors use in relationship counselling and you may find one clicks more than another. Although certainly the way the person applies the approach is important as well.

We have access to free telephone counselling through our work and I did use it for a family matter a few months ago. it was OKish but if I had had a very serious pressing problem I would definitely want to have seen someone in person. Actually I joked about it at the time because the issue was that someone in my family have revealed a deep family secret that was extremely stressful at the same time I was going through a bad miscarriage so I was just stressed out to the absolute max. And the counsellor recommended that I just basically smush it down and never talk to that person about it, pretend the conversation never happened, because it wasn't my business or my problem to solve. As an extremely repressed person it was perfect advice for me! Maybe not the healthiest but perfect. PS the matter did not involve anyone being put in harm's way, no abuse or anything like that.

if it is within your budget, it might be helpful to also have your own therapist on the side to help support you through this difficult process. So you have a neutral referee person and also a personal support. I have seen various counsellors over the years and I do think it is possible to have a poor fit. So I would not exclude outright the idea that you may have to shop around a bit. I have had everything from people that I would worship at their feet to very offputting cold people where you wonder why they got into the helping professions. And I would call myself a pretty easy patient as I am very communicative and try to be very honest.

Best of luck and best wishes in tackling this issue.

As someone who has pursued relationship counseling in the past, I would suggest reframing this as a positive step to strengthen your marriage and not necessarily as a last ditch effort to save it. In that way, it may be more acceptable to seek recommendations from trusted friends. That is the way we found a wonderful professional who helped us through a difficult time together and separately. Yes, the marriage didn't survive but we were able to separate and continue to co-parent in a healthier way with this valuable experience.

My heart goes out to you - this is hard stuff. But you both are to be commended for taking this very positive step! Good luck and take care of yourself.

I went through something similar. My marriage was in trouble, but we decided to go for individual counseling. For me, I was 99% sure I didn't want to stay married, but wanted to divorce "the right way" (if there is such a thing..) The first one I went to was from my insurance--I went only once because I thought she was not that bright and I knew I would try to manipulate her into saying what I wanted to hear. This second, whom I found after reading all the bios of marriage counselors near me, wasn't A good fit.. He was smart, but said his goal was to keep couples together. Wasn't necessarily my goal. The third was a charm. Not covered by my insurance, but laid-back and easy to talk to. He made me take a hard look at what I wanted out of my marriage and life and gave me the tools to move forward. The second and third therapist that I went to, I found through a Google search of "marriage counselors near me." Number two was a psychiatrist and number three was a licensed social worker.

good luck. I know how tough it can be.

Jo

I found our counselor via my health insurance list of local professionals that would apply the cost to our deductible. We interviewed three. Our first hit was a good match the other two were a bit too new age for me and it does help to go. she listens and offers some advice but she never acts as a judge and jury who can settle our grievances. She only offers generic ideas for avoiding conflict in the first place and a few ideas how to resolve ones that will still arise. What she does offer is a place where we can calmly address our issues in a non heated environment away from the children on a regular basis.

Good luck I understand first hand how hard keeping a marriage together can be but I also know first hand that broken pieces glued back together do not always fall apart after all.

Lisa, I agree with Mtn and others who say to start with your primary care physician. They are people first and also experience all the regular needs as we all do throughout our lives.

She/he might even recommend someone they themselves use or have used in the past!

Don't discount providers on your plan. As Joanie mentioned, you need to find one that you click with.

Years ago DH and I went to counseling after experiencing a dramatic health scare. I am still surprised to remember how differently this affected individually and a a couple. Therapy helped us through.

This is what I would do: Most regular therapists also do "couples therapy." I would ask friends who you know have been in therapy for a therapist recommendation. They don't have to know you want help as a couple.

A good therapist will likely be a good therapist, regardless of whether the therapy is for an individual or couple.

I'm sorry to hear you are in such a tough situation. Keep in mind that life is fluid, always changing, ebbs and flows, and that can work in your favor here.

I heard you in your OP, and I completely agree with you about "religious based marital counseling", but I do want to suggest not closing the door there. Why? Because there is some incredible clergy out there who do amazing martial (and other) counseling w/o fire and brimstone and God and all that, but rather feet-on-the-groun, right-here-on-earth counseling. But what (good) clergy have in these situations is a very deep and profound understanding of the meaning of marriage, the dynamics between couples, the impact of ego on a marriage...and how to rise above those things which can do a lot of damage to focus on the other and a bigger picture, which is a tool. Of course, I say this since my father was an Episcopal minister who did a lot of marriage counseling, but it was not in any way "religion on your sleeve" stuff, which I think a lot of people think "religious counseling" is. I's no different than seeking out a good therapist. A lot of quacks an annoying jerks out there who are professional counselors. and there are some really great ones. No different with clergy. I'd consider Episcopal and UCC - progressive, wise, inclusive churches which are not in the model of I think what you are thinking about.

I think you'd be amazed.

My ex and I went for counseling (obviously didn't help) , but we found the counselor through a program at a nearby Ivy League university. I know this will sound crazy, but I belong to a community Facebook page where many issues are discussed and questions asked. Many people have asked for and gotten recommendations for therapists. The question may be posed as "asking for a friend not on Facebook" or even create a FB account under a fictitious name. Of course, you may not connect with the first person you meet, so don't be discouraged. Good luck. I have been there and done that.

Lisa sorry for your troubles.

I want to say that a friend and her husband went through a very rough patch and therapy really helped. However it got worse before it got better and took committment on both their parts. It's work. I wish you much success.

Sources for referrals to relationship counselors could include practirioners in family law. Also your school: our school has CSW. Another avenue is community groups. I volunteer at our local Ronald McDonald house and we have family/relationship therapist list readily available.

Lisa, I'm sorry. My ex and I went thru counseling many years ago. I don't remember how we found a counselor either but I think it was via the phone book. I think I picked the first one (a female) and he accused me of finding a 'woman who didn't understand his viewpoint', so I told him to pick another one (he did). That one spent the entire sessions trying to talk me back into the marriage. I tried to get the ex to switch counselors again and he never figured out there was a problem. So I gave up the counseling idea and we divorced.

So now that I'm older and wiser, I think the idea of using your primary care physician is not a bad idea. Of course ours is wonderful and has sent us off to many wonderful specialists for other problems, so I'd trust his judgment. There are many other ways to find a counselor that will meet your needs, but I'd suggest interviewing several to see how you will click as a couple and how one will meet your expectations.

I recommend that you take a look at Imago therapy. So many times, we don't know how to communicate and developing that skill is crucial to understanding and empathizing.

I hope you find a wonderful counselor and that you can both find peace and happiness.

Getting The Love You Want

How many marriage/family counselors are in the geographic area that you will consider? If you start out by calling a dozen of them, at least half (probably more) will not be taking new patients, or not have hours that agree with your schedule. The rest should be able to talk to you on the phone for 5 or 10 minutes, and you should get an idea of how they will work with you. Start making a list of interview questions. Remember, you are hiring someone to do a job, so it's in your hands.

Unless you are in a big city, I'd start with the phone book or internet equivalent. Some will have Facebook pages (not everyone is on Facebook) or web sites, and try a Google search and look for Yelp and other reviews.

Good luck.

Have you checked with your insurance for a list of available counselors?

Lisa....I havent read all the responses but wanted to say that health care professionals work together and your Doctor most likely is " in the know" as to who the good therapists are.

Lisa, I've received some of my best tips from my endocrinologist, who for a period served as my primary care. Several years ago DH was going through something of a career crisis, just as he unexpectedly lost his brother. And, he wasn't talking, but was doing the tough guy pretend thing. My endo gave me the name of someone I could talk to, knowing DH might resist, to show me some better ways to deal with drawing him out. My learning, not his.

She introduced me to a surgeon when I had hip issues and I will be forever grateful for her wise choice.

She made an appointment for my SIL who she has not met to this day, and lined her up with one of the best (and few) foot surgeons specializing in revisions of former surgeries on this coast. Another excellent outcome.

I don't think you are getting the direction you had expected to hear, but a good primary care should have a circle of other professionals around them who they trust and can confidently recommend. I wish you the best.

I found a therapist through a Psychology Today website--https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/state/CA/Los+Angeles.html

Of course, you can search for your particular location.

It's a great resource because you can contact them for a free consultation-- a brief exchange regarding your concerns and therapist can also explain his/her approach and other pertinent information. I "interviewed" through phone, email and in-office consults. I went through approximately 10-12 before I found a compatible one--decided to go with my best "gut" feeling that we'd be able to establish a good rapport.

One way or another you need contacts who have more exposure to opinions - good or bad - about therapists/counselors than you do. I wouldn't write off health care providers. We aren't talking about surgical skills where the results can mean life or death. It's simply a place to start identifying candidates. You and your husband will still need to interview the therapist and agree to proceed with them.

Many years ago, I wanted to work on a specific issue but was wary of therapy. The best recommendation came from someone I neither liked nor particularly respected personally or professionally. I knew that the person had more information than I did, so it was worth asking. The therapist was a psychiatric social worker. Her approach was very tactical and goal-oriented, which was a good fit for me. My interest wasn't marriage counseling, but I thought it was interesting that she and her husband worked as at team for marriage counseling. That seems like a good option to avoid either person feeling "outnumbered."

Wishing you and your husband flexibility and growth as you work your way thorough this difficult process.

Thank you for the information and sharing your experiences, everyone. I will not write off my physician and in fact have to call her tomorrow for another matter. I will ask for a recommendation.

I know I came across as pessimistic in my posts above but I am quite hopeful and going into this process with a better attitude than perhaps I conveyed. I appreciate the kinds words and support here.

I'm sorry you and your husband have found yourselves in this situation, but I'm happy that you appear committed to see if you can do something about it. I have a fractious relationship with my mother and a few months back was in the same boat as you are -- wanting to find a counselor/therapist of some kind but not having a clue as to how to do it. In my internet searches I stumbled across listings that providers have in Psychology Today. It tells you what areas they specialize in, insurance accepted, costs, and usually has a blurb about the types of modalities they use. Of course this isn't the same as a recommendation, but it's a resource worth reviewing, I would think. We have hot and cold running counselors in my city, so it helps to put a face with the name and get a little info. Of course, things got worse with my mom before I had a chance to try to make them better with a counselor. So I can't attest to how it all worked out.

Recently my husband and I have been having issues, too. It's a terrible thing. I haven't yet approached him with a request to seek counseling, because I still have a lot of ducks I need to get in a row before I'm ready. But I'll probably start with the listings above.

Best of luck to you both.

eta: Nannygoat beat me to it: the Psychology Today listings.

Lisa, I don't have advice for finding a couples counsellor but want to send you best wishes. I had to make a decision to stay or go myself about 4 years ago and a fluke ended up making me stay-but I had to do some work on ME before I could make the permanent choice.

We did try couples counselling years before but it was a disaster-the session was too short for both of us to get our points across-he ended up painting me out to be the bad guy and walking out while I cried through the remaining time. After that we never went again, but later, when our marriage was at the crossroads, we both did a lot of soul searching and had some very, very raw and honest talks. And it took a lot of agreeing to accept blame-we both had our faults. Mainly it took a lot of accepting of our own faults and agreeing to try to work on things.

I wish you luck. You might have to interview several before you hit the right one, and honestly, going to a therapist for yourself can be a big help too.

When I needed to find a therapist, I checked on my insurance company's web site to find one that accepted my insurance, then looked for ratings, then set up trial visits. First red flag, they don't want to do a trial visit, then forget them. I rejected three due to just not liking their approach, and one didn't fit my schedule. But honestly, it is like looking for a needle in a haystack to find a good person so if you don't click after a couple of visits, don't waste anymore time. I have been helped by a couple of therapists on a couple of occasions, but mostly . . . The two people who did help me gave examples of research and the schools of thought and explanations for their opinions. That is really important, that the therapist be open about why they think what they think and where they are getting their information.

pinkmountain - Your last two sentences is really good advice. Thanks for posting that.

My only recommendation (yes, based on experience) is to find a therapist/counselor who will work with you both individually as well as together. In any relationship, what we each have to contribute can be helpful or harmful, and we usually need to gain some insight and perspective into our own selves so that we can do the same for our partner. This approach does take longer than some couple therapy models and requires buy in from both partners, but it is the best for the long run.

Ask,your Internist/Doctor. They probably know a good, decent marriage counselor.

LisaD82,

I don't have any helpful advice but it sounds like you are getting lots of good info. Please let us know how things are going if you feel comfortable with that. The nice thing about this board is its anonymity and ability to find people who have been where you are.

Best of luck!

One reason to start with your primary care doctor is that some problems related to behavior are actually based on physical changes/illnesses. All the counseling in the world isn't going to help if the issue is based on an unrecognized but treatable physical change.

My advice would be a bit different(sorry didn't read all the comments though..)..try to find out about a family therapy/marital counseling program near you..some universities and colleges offer that. Google the program, and google the professors there. The teachers are usually people with tons of experience..and usually very smart too. If they are not open to seeing new clients themselves-they will know whom to recommend. If that somebody is less experienced-know that he gets a lot of instruction and insight..and even sometimes if he himself is a big name already:) That's how it goes in this field.

The person sitting across you should be very smart..and you should have a chemistry with him/her so to say..something intangible. You'll feel pretty soon whether you want to continue or not. Don't quite give up if not-no two therapists are the same, thus, no experience would be the same.

It's often that in case of group/family therapy you can have two therapists, not one.

You can get lucky just going through your insurance provider's list. You never know.

And last but not least: their role is not to "save" your marriage. Their role is to help you to arrive to a decision, whatever it is. `

Sometimes you'll see what they try to do, it will be very transparent. Which is okay-it can be helpful the same way as if it was a magic wand:) Sometimes you'll be puzzled. That's great too.

The important thing: if you're both there and both want to continue to come..you're on the road. Together. Because it's not a given, not at all.